» Letters they'll never read

Dear HBOS, Royal Bank Of Scotland and Lloyds,
It appears that you are collectively £37 billion overdrawn. We appreciate that you have enjoyed the benefits of a small overdraft facility from Taxpayers PLC but you have exceeded the amount of £0 that we have deemed fair in your circumstances. You have therefore incurred a £5 billion administration charge to be paid immediately from your designated 'bonus fund' and you have 28 days to repay the sum of £37biliion to avoid futher charges.

Yours,

The British Public.
(Thu 4th Mar 2010, 14:46, More)

» Will you go out with me?

How the Gibbon got his stripes
I met my one true love just over 6 years ago. I was at a party when we were introduced. I was 17 and a little too young for her but on first impression she seemed to not mind and she certainly looked fantastic. She was lightly bronzed (Which I am a big fan of) and the thing that really struck me was her bubbly personality - but not too much to be like one of those fat, annoying types and certainly not plain or bland. We got on great and before long I knew she'd got me pretty drunk. When we parted that night I knew I'd want to see her again, and every day after that for the rest of my life. I truly believe in love at first sight.

Over the coming weeks, however, I was totally skint and going out with my mates to the pub to see her was almost impossible. She'd be there every night with other men and I was losing some prime opportunity to win her as my own. Luckily I chanced upon an incredibly cushy part-time job and so money rolled back in.

After about 6 weeks I went to the pub with my mates and got myself a pint - and there she was at the bar. She looked even better than the last time, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. I'd forgotten how sweet she could be, how warm she made me feel, and I just felt so confident when I was with her (confidence was a big issue for me before I met her). However, I'd noticed that a couple of other men had taken a liking to her, I wasn't sure if this was a problem but I decided I'd need to act fast and spent as much time with her as possible. I think we both knew that there was some sort of unique connection between us but I was still wary of the competition. Again we parted that night, and although I soooo wanted to take her home with me, it just didn't seem right.

My luck was in the day after however. I was in my local supermarket getting a few essentials when I happened to bump into her. After a little deliberation I paid for my goods and we went back to my place for some fun. I flung her cap off her head with one movement and pressed my lips against her lip. She felt so good on my lips, I just KNEW she was the one. It was over way too quickly though (time flies when you're having fun!) And by this point I was hooked. I loved her and wanted to be with her forever. Ever since then we've barely had a day apart.

Beer, I love you.
(Fri 29th Aug 2008, 10:55, More)

» What was I thinking?

I volunteered to take part in a Bukkake session at London Zoo
I don't know what came over me
(Thu 23rd Sep 2010, 14:52, More)

» Bedroom Disasters

The fart that launched a thousand shits
So It was my friend Gary's 20th birthday. We'll call him Gary, for his real name was James. Gary, being a bit of a lad, decided that he'd like to go out for a bender pub crawl in London, have some good food and then go meet some fine ladies at a club. Sounded like a plan, we'd all meet in Leicester Square at 12pm and get things kicked off. I'd woken up with a bit of a funny tummy that morning, but nothing that was going to stop me having a good time. One of Gary's mates, Tony, decided it would be a great plan if we all downed a shot of tequila before each pint during the pub crawl. He'd also brought along a shitload of tabasco sauce to 'brighten up' Gary's pints of lager while most of us drank ale. It wasn't many pints later before we were all keen enough (and drunk enough) to start knocking up some macho points by necking shots of tabasco. I think I must have done five or so. Content that we'd proven to the world just how unbelievably cool we were, we headed off for some food. Spice still on the tongue, we headed into a relatively swanky looking curry place. By this point my stomach was REALLY starting to protest, but the tabasco sauce seemed to have passed through so I thought "fuck it, what's a curry going to do?"

...One extra hot chicken madras later, and Gibbons innards were not having a good time. I could feel my duodenum churning, twisting and turning. We paid the good men at the Indian and wandered through the now darkened streets to a club. I can't remember the name, but it was a fucking dive. There were groups of what looked like crack dealers amongst barely conscious women in darkened corners. The woman (at least I think she was a woman) behind the bar sounded like Barry White and had a tattoo of a snake on her neck. We downed a round of tequilas and danced for a bit.

My memory is hazy by this point - we've had 10 pints and 11 tequilas, and Gary got thrown out shortly after we started dancing for punching a lesbian "right in the fadge" as he put it, so we headed back to the outskirts of London on a train. Gibbon's innards were screaming with grumbles of protest by this point, and I was having serious regrets over that curry, let alone the 10 pints of beer, 5 shots of tabasco and 11 tequilas. Arriving home I quietly headed straight for the bog, trying not to wake my flatmates who didn't know I'd been out drinking, and released a long, foul fart that the devil himself would have been proud to have spawned.
...Nothing followed. "Is that all you were groaning about?" I chortled to my guts, before swaying to bed....


...11am I woke up to the foulest stench that could ever befall a human being. Words cannot describe the abhorrent, rancid, effluent malodour. It was utterly atrocious, and instantly made me retch. Vomming into the bin, I turned around to see the source from whence such sin arose: a vile, stinking pile of reddish-brown splutterings, literally COVERING my bed. With the abominable odour of a mixture of curry, drains and (strangely) cabbage, I certainly wasn't proud. In fact, I'd not only shat myself, I'd done it in shameful, epic style. Still ever so slightly drunk, I thought "fuck it", threw the horrendous feculent bedclothes out my window, and went back to bed.

Next thing I know, I wake up at 2pm. Stumbling downstairs, I find my flatmates in the lounge, which was directly below my room and with a view out to the garden directly below my window. They're just sitting in silence. Glancing out the window, I notice the bedsheets aren't there. The washing machine is quietly whirring next door. Before I can open my mouth to speak, my flatmate Jen simply said "I don't know what the fuck you ate yesterday, but it's all over my courgette plants."
(Fri 24th Jun 2011, 10:40, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Trolling forums
So when boredom strikes between the hard work of PhD life and crying myself to sleep because I don't have a big willy, I sometimes partake upon the wonderful adventure known as trolling. For those who are unaware, trolling a forum involves making an anonymous account on a particular forum and posting controversial, confrontational and irrelevant matter in order to provoke people into getting pissed off or upset. Trolls on a site such as b3ta or similar are just annoying as we're all on here to have fun, but the real fun with trolling comes when you can do it on a forum full of stupid, opinionated people. My favourites of these are religious, anti-abortion, teen-angst-oriented music and vegan/animal liberation forums. Over the years I've had quite a few good times, some of which I shall share over the following paragraphs.

I once created an account on an anti-abortion forum. One user on this forum had posted a picture of an aborted foetus and she commented on how awful and terrible it was etc. etc. The picture was fucking scary, the thing looked like some sort of possessed zombie child. My response was thus
"Fucking hell. Seriously, if that thing was alive and chasing me round my house, I'd have no qualms about smacking it to death with a shovel. Thank GOD someone had the courtesy to abort that ugly fucker." Typical responses raged from "You monster!" to "I'm going to find out where you live and smack YOU to death with a shovel!" Brilliant.

Religious forums are excellent, particularly because they are normally full of extremely right-wing Americans who have never left their own town/state, let alone their country. The few that are not like this are hardline liberals, and I sit in the middle with a little grin whilst stirring the pot and fanning the flames. Oh, and they SERIOUSLY get intolerant and annoyed when you eventually 'admit' that you are a Muslim after days of arguments.

Teen music ones are easy, there were two girls discussing 'cutting' when they are depressed. A quick "well that's stupid, why don't you just NOT cut? That's funny" led to five pages of threats etc. One girl responded with "they can't help it, I'm an epileptic and I can't control it. Do you think that's funny?"...I picked that one out to reply to with a flashing GIF saying "You deserve a seizure for your posts"*
...that got me banned quite quickly.

But vegans/animal rights people are probably the worst for getting worked up. I think it's got something to do with the vegan diet making them cranky. They have very little comeback to the "with rights come responsibilities, when cows stop shitting everywhere and learn to use a toilet I'll agree that they are safe to walk along the street" argument, but they'll keep on and on and on until you let them think they're right. I (after a few pages of argument) eventually made a second account who came in and said "Did you know that on average 1000kg of corn contains 1kg of ground-up field mice because they are slower than the combine harvester?" and the fun starts again.

All in all, making other people upset on the internet gives me great pleasure.

*pretty sure it wouldn't have actually have caused a seizure, was too slow flashing. I'm not THAT much of a cnut. Hey, maybe I'm not going to hell after all?
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 17:42, More)