» Cringe!

A kick when you're down
A friend of mine, Helen, had spent her whole life wanting to go to a particular university and had done everything in her power over a five year period to win their vote as a successful candidate. She joined umpteen clubs and societies, mastered every art in which they excelled, studied night and day, wrote and asked for their guidance, I mean EVERYTHING.

Amidst great excitement the day finally arrived when she would learn her fate and a gaggle of girls crowded round as Helen clutched the envelope containing the outcome of her entrance interview...

With tears welling in her eyes and a quivering bottom lip she read the rejection "I'm sorry but we will not be offering you a place etc...we wish you luck etc...yours sincerely Mr Barter"

"Cheer up" I chimed, desperate to break the awkward silence with a joke "at least your name doesn't rhyme with farter..."

Helen Carter and the room of girls looked at me in horror. I got my coat.
(Sun 30th Nov 2008, 22:59, More)

» Famous people I hate

The act of celebrity
I loath many people, most of whom have been mentioned here already. But the biggest problem I have with celebrities is the *want* to be a celebrity. People who consider it their goal to be famous...famous for anything, so long as they are famous. They have no dream, no ambition, no sense of purpose. They pursue not the desire to bring about world peace, or cure cancer, be artistic, to entertain, or even the desire to be the world's "best Blue Peter presenter". No, they want purely to be famous, and that is what I loath.

I also dislike all the TV companies cashing in on this vacuous desire and assuming that *everyone* wants to be on TV. They seem to think they can make excellent viewing by allowing a pig in a coat to go through your most private and personal thoughts and possessions, spread them across your kitchen floor and do a colossal steaming shit on them, and you would be GRATEFUL because you, your kitchen, and your complete lack of dignity is on the fucking television!
(Thu 4th Feb 2010, 15:58, More)

» Tales of the Unexplained

My great grandfather asked me to say goodbye
Longevity runs in my family, and I have been fortunate enough to know 4 of my great grandparents, of whom only one went a bit ga-ga (Boba). My great grandmother wasn't able to care for him herself (as she too was getting on a bit) and so he lived out his final years in a home where we all used to visit regularly and confuse the poor chap by talking to him for a few hours when he didn't have a flaming clue who any of us were. Except me. He thought I was his sister who had died over 50 years ago (for the record I don't look anything like her). I, being 12 at the time, didn't enjoy this experience and wasn't very good at playing along, and after being freaked out on numerous occasions I am sorry to say I was relieved when a clash of engagements meant I missed one of our weekly visits.

A few days after the missed visit I had a strange dream in which I had gone to visit Boba and he was totally compos mentis. And unlike other dreams I used to have I remembered exactly what he said, which was:

"MsZuzu, please tell Edith that I'm sorry these last few years have been difficult, but everything will be alright now and she can be happy. I love her, and you all take care of yourself".

I woke up and in a bemused fashion told my mum and asked her who Edith was. I watch the colour drain from my mum's face as she told me that Edith is the name of my great grandmother (which I didn't know because the only person who ever called her that had been Boba). About 10 minutes later my grandfather phoned to tell us that Boba had passed away in his sleep in the early hours of the morning.

I'm sorry to say I was too afraid to pass on the message myself, but my mum and aunt did it together. We are not a religous family and it was all a bit 'strange' for some people to accept. But it wasn't spooky, it all felt very nice at the time and the memory of it has been a comfort to me through the death of other family memebers and friends.
(Fri 4th Jul 2008, 14:27, More)

» This book changed my life

The Catcher In the Rye
Ultimately two books have changed my life, for better and worse.

The good, The Catcher In the Rye by J.D.Salinger.
I think it's like Marmite in the fact you either love it or hate it, and I've heard that you can only read this book when you're a teenager or when you're having a mid-life crisis. I agree, I read and reread it when I was a teenager, and each time it blew my mind and left me in a daze of awe. But when I tried again a few years later it was just jumbled nonsense. I can pin point the precise moment when I passed through the doorway into adulthood and coming of age to 20 minutes after finishing that book. It also triggered the first time I stood up to a teacher and ultimately discovered the joy of strength of opinion and a well-formed argument. It is also the one and only item I have ever stolen (I pinched the first copy I read, I *had* to have it).

The book has often been linked to lone gunmen, with the shooters of John Lennon, J.F.K. and Reagan apparently having a copy on then at the time of their arrest. I don't know if that's entirely true, but I've seen the look of genuine fear in people's eyes when you tell them it's a book that changed your life.

The bad, May Contain Nuts by John O'Farrell.
Quite possibly the most worthless piece of middle-class four-by-four-school-run Torquil-and-Jemima-are-failing-in-their-achievements-compared-to-the-neighbours-children badger-farting shite ever produced in font. Sure, there are plenty of pointless books in the world, but this one had me screaming with rage and hurling it's Jeff-Cape-ripped halves at the wall. How did this 'kooky look at modern day parenting' change my life you ask? The fact that three members of my family gave it to me either as a gift or following the words "Oh I have to lend you a brilliant book and I just know you'll love it!" Such an open demonstration of a complete lack of knowledge of my character and beliefs, that I knew from that day on relationships with my kin would never be the same again. My favourite book is The Catcher In The Rye ffs! What on David Bellamy's arse made them think I have any interest in this yuppie tripe?

To be fair though, O'Farrell's Things Can Only Get Better was quite funny, so he's off my assassination list, but Katie Price better watch her back if she continues to offend the shelves....
(Fri 16th May 2008, 9:46, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

Girl in cubical
At university waiting in the department to go on a field trip, I decided to go to the loo before we left. Now as with all public toilets the cubicals never have working locks, but the average person puts their hand or foot against the door. I gave the door a gentle push to see if it was occupied, and it swung open to reveal one of my cohort having a tinkle. This isn't so amazing, but what was really weird is that she had her top off and appeared to be fondling her breasts.

Weird, why do that there? In a dingy loo with a broken lock?
(Fri 29th May 2009, 16:36, More)