» Unexpected Nudity

Kitty!
Surprise nudity? Well it's not really a surprise when toddlers strip out of clothes and go running around but ...

My best friend's toddler boy was amazing. Whenever he was left alone with the household cat (a significantly large grey tom about 2/3rds the kids size and weight) he would strip off all of his clothes, get a death grip on the cat's tail - and then standing there naked behind a starting to get annoyed cat, holding on for dear life - he would then let loose with a stream from his little willie - peeing on the cat.

The cat would take off at mach speeds - pulling the kid along behind him in a skipping bouncing high acceleration adventure where the kids stubby little legs would only touch down every few feet in giant leaps and bounds as they traversed the apartment. He screamed with delight and joy the whole way "kitty! kitty!" and he never, not for a moment, *ever* stopped peeing on the cat.

Sometimes he'd reach down with one hand to adjust his equipment and aim - after rebounding off a wall or a table he was sometimes a bit out of alignment - but mostly he just couldn't miss - he was less than a tail's length away from something almost the same size as he was =)

Truly - the combination of the sheer happiness on the kids little face and the utter terror the poor cat was experiencing - will forever be locked in memory for me - I was just standing there talking a bit with his mum when the two of them came rocketing out of the hallway and crossed the living room in front of me, making a large u-turn (no skid marks at least =)) and then back into the hallway, the giggling and "kitty!" chanting taking on a doppler effect as it passed us by. Her reaction was to say "oh my, he's at it again" and raise her hand to her mouth to hide the smile while I just went from stunned senseless to smiling from ear to ear as my brain processed and replayed the scene and I realized what it was I had seen =)

The scene cheers me up even now just thinking about it =)

(it's years later, but if I ever encounter a tiger in the wild... for at least 2 seconds before I attempt to flee for my life - I'll be sorely tempted to risk life, limb (and certainly todger) to re-enacting the scene at adult sizes.. I know it won't work... I know one swipe and it'd be over but... but.. it just looked like so much fun!)

(I think it's too late to get on the best sheet... but I'd be touched if you gave me a click anyway =))
(Wed 3rd Jun 2009, 22:18, More)

» Eccentrics

The Geekpad
What happens when you put 4 of the geekiest extroverted guys in the world together in one house?

You get the Geekpad. It has it's own email domain, website, etc - but more important are it's parties...

You come in and you're directed to a back room, where an ID card is made for you - a picture taken, a name put on it all set!

What's the ID card for? For getting drinks of course - when you go to the free bar they swipe your card and enter which drink you wanted. Why would they do this?

For the updated Up to the Second, running totals leaderboard displaying everyone's blood alcohol content in the main room!

Each person's name and BAC was ranked displayed and adjusted itself over time for how quickly your liver would take care of things against how much more alcohol you were putting in... want to know the right time to pounce on that girl across the way? Well, where is she on the board? Do you get to keep your keys? Where are you on the board? Want to know how much liquid courage it took for that guy to approach you? check the board =)

It was an instant conversation starter, they had the proper "buzz" levels marked for each weight category, and it was just weird enough to be cool.

Of course the competitions guys had to hit #1 were ridiculous - quite possibly the most dangerous "video game" ever - but on the other hand, it's not like guys don't compete to be drunkest idiot anyway...

Good fun, good people - and I think it counts as eccentric =)
(Tue 4th Nov 2008, 14:37, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Apparently the most shaming thing you can do is just have one...
I have one. But I'm thinking of trading it in for something else. Being an adult male (aka: "possessor of a penis") is a shameful shameful thing.

The other day I'm walking home past my old grade school - I see the kids out playing in the field and I get a bit nostalgic for my younger days. One kid isn't getting to play cause the teams wouldn't be even - so I say what the hell to myself and I hop the fence and ask the kids if they mind me joining in for a bit so we all can play - the outcast kid's face lights up like a christmas tree and ... I'm escorted off the grounds by security (when did schools get security?!?) before I can walk halfway to the field.

Apparently my penis has made me a gay pedophile.

Shameful penis!

My parents will never understand.

I get home quite upset, to find out my roommate's got her lady friends over and they're bemoaning the current economic and job situation. 5 Minutes into that conversation I find out I'm responsible for the (unforgivably low) wages and (totally undesirable) positions of millions of women I've never met, nor hired, nor negotiated salaries with.

Frikkin PENIS! The shame! Now it masterminds the economy!

I take some umbridge at some of the more colorful terms being thrown my way and my roommate, lovely lass that she is - throws a punch at me. And then another. And another. Raising my hands in defense I manage to whack her on the chin. Cops are called.

Unbelievable penis! Now it's made me a domestic abuser!

Forms filled out, bail paid - I run to the pub to drown my sorrows and maybe find a sympathetic shoulder to lean on.

I'm informed by quite a few ladies over the course of the night that my company and conversation are welcome - but only if they come with a pint or fancy drink and a shit load of chatting up - to make up for the fact that I have a (shameful) penis.

Expensively inconvenient intoxicatingly shameful penis! Your very presence demands restitution in the form of libations!
The whole world knows of your evil.

Back at a lovely lasses place later, we have a bit more wine, and get down to business ... where I find out my shameful penis has arrived ready and willing to please - but her righteous vagina is completely unprepared!

Ever-ready penis! FRUSTRATING VAGINA.

So there's cuddling, and snuggling, and kissing and nibbling, and lascivious licking, and lapping of lusciously lustrous lower lips and honestly quite a bit more work on my part which, having a penis, I'm responsible for providing so things can continue to the mutually pleasurable portion.

Slightly wilting, tired and possibly shameful in a whole new way Penis!

Yet we do succeed in a energetic coupling of drunken debauchery and mutual delight and the shameful penis is satiated for another day.

Happy penis. Happy vagina.

Except... in the morning, for reasons of her own - from her past, that evil uncle, from unbalanced chemicals, from anger, need, or whatever...

and because I have a shameful penis

On this innocent morning, after our night of doing all the same things together, she changes her mind and...

I wake up a rapist, and she wakes up a victim.

Damn fucking penis.

It's just shameful the things it does to us. Sometimes I just hate having one.



For the record, and to maybe cut back on some possible reactive comments, yes this is an imaginary story - and - I know it's not easy having a vagina either =)

but, while acknowledging that there are advantages of being a male in society - there really are some disadvantages as well...

one of which seems to be, That if you have a penis - you're a shameful person until proven otherwise, which I'm quite tired of.

This QOTW just kinda set me off I guess - why couldn't it have been the "proudest most impressive thing you've ever done with your penis"? really. seriously. HONESTLY.

I quite like mine. No shame what so ever.

That's probably obvious though =)


No apologies for anything.

*However, No defense of actual rapists, pedos, domestic abusers or the like is intended by this stupidity. Evil is evil no matter the gender. duh.
(Thu 12th Mar 2009, 18:56, More)

» Family codes and rituals

beginnings
Every stripper scene in a movie...

Every time a woman kicked ass and took names on tv, posing afterward covered in blood and bosom heaving...

Every cheap and tawdry sex scene in some back alley, motel room or prostitute laden opium house...

My father would say "And that boys, was how I met your mother."
(Fri 21st Nov 2008, 15:30, More)

» Eccentrics

My best friend
I miss my old roommate - lets call him "Dan" - good soul, great guy - and eccentric? Absolutely.

While driving his Gold 70's Camero (which he had removed the back seat from and replaced with a set of giant bass speakers (girls, um, just loved sitting on them for some reason...) home from Washington DC one day we looked in the rearview mirror and saw not just one cop car following us - but a flotilla of cops taking up the entire highway behind us. Red and blue whirring lights literally filled our view as far as we could see. A U.N peace conference was going on that week in DC and they were getting a police escort back to their hotels (or the airport?) and the cops were driving in front and along side it to clear traffic to the sides as it passed and make sure everything proceeded in a secure and orderly manner.

Dan - in his camero with it's "Ozzie for president" bumper sticker and fake Zebra skin seat covers decided this was the moment to "get back at the cops" for all the times his car had been towed for parking violations.

And so he did *not* move out of the way.

Cops on motorcycles came up and flashed their lights.

He slowed down.

The entire motorcade behind him slowed down - they weren't going to split around him.

The cop on the motor cycle *knocked on Dan's driver side window* and gestured for him to move aside.

Dan went slower.

Through out much waving and gesturing between the cop and Dan starring straight ahead with a determined look on his face, the entire motorcade traversed two or three miles of the highway at a maximum rate of about 15 miles an hour... until Dan got to his exit and pulled off to continue home. I was sure at least one cop would follow to deliver a warning, beating or at least a court summons ... but instead the whole thing just sped back up and went on.

Bastard was lucky too =)

I'd never seen him so proud =)

While going to college - he built a running moat in his dorm room. With an operable 4 foot drawbridge.

Damn near killed himself when he was spray-painting it too. After 2 hours of spraying his drawbridge he just had a little bit of unpainted area left - and had breathed in enough paint fumes in the small enclosed room that when he ran out of paint the idea of just "popping open" the pressurized spray can to get that last bit of paint he knew was still inside... seemed like a perfectly reasonable idea... one hammer, one nail and *Boom* later - he was shocked sober enough to open a window to get some fresh air. He, the last patch that needed painting, and most of the room actually - were also covered in a fine mist of silver.

I met him a short while after that, we became immediate best friends when we met - because I gave him my extra oatmeal cookie. That was all he needed, friends for life from that moment on.

College spirit week with Dan was an epic adventure - Hat day alone was worth a 4 years tuition. His hat was over 5 feet tall, 4 wide, and had supports which went down to the ground from the edges with wheels on them so he could walk around and still wear the monstrosity. It had it's own sound system, was at least partially edible, and if I remember correctly had a live in resident (chipmunk? squirrel? something small and furry) which would clamber about on it. Fantastic, sitting in class when that walked in was something no one ever forgot. Of course it needed it's own seat when he sat down, but I think that's understandable.

He spent a summer packing parachutes for people who wanted to go skydiving. His one complaint? He wished the job came with some training...

His final project - a Movie titled "How to disarm a thermonuclear device in south america if your entire unit should have been eaten by giant radioactive fireants" actually didn't suck. The conversion of a riding mower into a "Battle Wagon" for the insertion team became legendary. "Samurai Night Fever" needed a little work though.

Living together after college (how could I not invite him to live with me out in DC? what bad could possibly come of it?) was pure pleasure.

We built a Tesla coil. If you've never built one - do so - it's a wonderful experience. Nothing like having pure electricity arc between your hands, stings like a bitch though. We used it mainly to tattoo tomatoes.

At one point he was looking for work ... so we ran for local office. I went for school board, he did more research and found out the local head of the "Office of Water and Soil" had run unopposed for the last 3 years - we felt a little bad when requesting the forms and such because the nice lady on the phone mentioned a local "Crackpot" who ran for elections with out any qualifications...

Even if it wasn't directly aimed at us we'd never graduated to actual, officially titled "crackpots" before.

He got a job doing in house instructional videos for a dotcom investment place - his "If you don't lock your computer, a Ninja will steal your pants" video was beyond Brilliant - best thing I ever saw - the demonstration (in both real time and slow-motion capture) of the ninja stealing the worker's pants convinced many an IT drone to properly hit ctrl-alt-del before leaving their work station.

Sometimes we'd just get in the car and trust to the universe to provide an adventure. From driving the stranded mother daughter hooker team home (a three hour drive where the daughter made serious moves on Dan, and the mother did rain man impressions at me - no, that's not innuendo - she just kept quoting Rain man at me - I don't know why.) to the "Little Ricky" Pirate soda Homies, to ... well, it worked, you should try it sometime. Adventures are there to be had.

When he moved out he moved into Hostel community in Georgia - that lives entirely in tree houses. You move in, and you can either pay to stay - or work on building more tree houses in trade. He stayed for over 6 months. Met his now wife there. Lovely place. Google it.

After that he became an air traffic controller. He's red green color blind, but he didn't let that stop him.

And recently he left that and joined the intelligence community. No joke.

In the evenings he does a local cable news show that's just about everything you would hope it would be =)

Great Guy =)

Apologies for length - but the young naked lady he tied up in a pirate flag swore it was all worth it.
(Mon 3rd Nov 2008, 21:52, More)