» Cringe!

Mr Bean on a bad day...
I used to live in St Albans many years ago. I'd done all the pubbing, clubbing and all that and having learnt to play a musical instrument many years previously I joined the local orchestra.

To be fair, I felt a bit out of place - seemingly 20 years younger than the next youngest person there. Of course, my youth meant waves of disapproval were directed at me - I was obviously untrustworthy, unreliable, typical of `young people today'.

Anyway - come the big concert in the middle of town...the one reviewed in the local paper, attended by the mayor and other worthies. Sellout performance in fact...probably round a 1000 people in the audience.

Of course, I was late getting there. Stuck in traffic. Cursing the traffic, cursing myself and knowing that everyone in the damn orchestra would have been justified in their lack of faith in me. I got there 2 minutes before the performance started. Luckily, I played an instrument which meant I could nip in round the back and get to my seat without too much fuss. Could I find the way in to the backstage area?

Could I fuck.

As I began to panic, I thought `No one will notice me notice me nipping up the stairs at the side' - straight up them, straight to my seat. Job done. It was quite dark and the audience were talking...i.e. Waiting for the conductor to...go up the stairs.

Yes. I got a round of applause by the entire audience as the spotlight was quite literally turned on me. I waved my arm in dismissal to indicate that I wasn't the conductor.

Just a sad case who was now hoping for a big crack in the stage to open up so I could hide in it.

Length? 2 1/2 hours long before I scuttled out, never to return again.
(Tue 2nd Dec 2008, 14:14, More)

» My most treasured possession

Easy
Nothing at all.

Since my son was born (and my ex left without notice taking him with her and refused to let him spend any time with me, meaning I had to take her to court) I would happily torch EVERYTHING I owned if I knew it meant he would grow up with me and the rest of his family in his life.

Things come, things go. Family and friends are the only important things in life.
(Thu 8th May 2008, 14:59, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

300
Yes, yes - I KNOW it's not meant to be based on history and to have a cartoonish feel.

But that doesn't stop it being monkey jizz.

I'm generally the sort of person who WILL watch a film to the grim death because I've paid my money, but I walked out of that one.
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 22:44, More)

» Pet Peeves

`Celebrities'
Vernon Kaye, Pete Docherty, Paris Hilton, Amy Winehouse and Russell Brand.

The mere mention of any of the above has me wincing and boiling with an irrational inner rage.

Especially Russell Brand. I went to the same school as him, you see. He was two years younger than me. Which means I had THREE FRIGGING YEARS to punch him in the face, but never did so on account of him being an unfamous unfunny little twunt. As opposed to now - a famous unfunny bigger twunt.

`Oh, but you're jealous!' people will invariably cry.

No.

He's just a cock.
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 14:01, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Merthyr Tydfil
I'm an Essex boy, living in Welsh Valleys. I'd been warned about Merthyr (and I come from Thurrock and am all too familiar with places like Basildon and Pitsea)...but Merthyr?

It's well, special.

Most towns have nice areas. Some are nice with rough parts. Some are rough with nice parts. Some are just rough. Merthyr is one of them.

Maybe it's because I've got an accent that makes the denizens think I have stepped off the set of Eastenders. Or Gavin and Stacey. The place has NO redeeming features other than the fact it's a short drive to Brecon - just the other side of the mountains, but a world away.

But Basildon? Oh yes. Last year in a fine `all you can eat Chinese buffet' emporium (surprisingly good food actually) we watched a loud family eat nothing but chicken wings. No seriously. Their plates were piled with the bones.

After they left the head waiter asked us `what kind of people were they?' - they were Irish travellers by the sound of them. Apparently he wasn't happy...because to use the waiter's own words the father figure of the family had refused to pay and `got his toilet parts out'...just another night in Basildon then...
(Thu 29th Oct 2009, 21:49, More)