» Pet Peeves

I'm not happy
About Big Brother either and I'm shocked that I've not seen many people mention it here. its not started yet but I can tell its going to come along soon.

those .5 second flashes of that eye in some new-designed techno thing makes me gasp in terror because I know its coming

Last year, after having been subjected to nothing but big brother talk and nothing but 24 hour big brother at friends houses, I decided to watch it so I could at least be involved in conversation without tearing my face off

it didn't work, I couldn't watch it. its just so insignificant, so unimportant.

I really, really, really don't care who said what about that guy who'se going out with that girl who can't hold her temper when she's talking to the bloke who won't stop cleaning up after the girl who won't clear up her tampons but insists on doing all the cooking so she's constantly bitching to that girl who can't keep her mouth shut and is always talking about everyone behind their backs with that gay guy who gets on the straight guys nerves.

I'm guessing that there are a few people here who would agree with me.
(Wed 7th May 2008, 12:17, More)

» Phobias

Spider Wars
It was a night in late summer, the time of year when the little bastards come crawling out of the woodwork and take over the house.

I apologise for length, but a battle this epic needs to be told properly.

I was staying at my parent's house for some reason or other, and in my old, and relatively small bedroom.

Round 1

It began when I was sitting in bed, watching the TV (situated at the foot of my bed under some shelves) just generally getting ready to go to sleep. something black and BIG runs past my ear across the wall. I leap up screaming like a 6 year old. called by my screams, dad gets rid of it.

Spider - 0
Me - large dent to my dignity so also 0

Round 2

Settled down again, TV on, wall checked, under the bed checked. Sorted.
next to the TV, something catches my eye.
its dangling in mid air, swimming towards the TV and suspended from the shelves. you guessed it, another one. Smaller, and lacking in the element of surprise, I decide that I can get ridof it on my own, I am 21 after all. Cunningly, I decide that I am unable to touch it even with tissue as it is on a web and therefore in danger of falling onto the table below. next best thing, a can of impullse body spray. this stuff makes me cough, spider would be gassed and gone in a second. it would fall, but it would be dead!
10 second sustained spraying sends the spider plummeting, stiffly to the floor where, unfortunately I am unable tofind it. but at least its a dead spider and I can find it in the morning. its getting on to 1am at this point, and I really should sleep.

Spider - 0
Me - 1

Round 3

Turned off the light, feeling a little gassed myself from the spraying. the hairs on the back of my neck prick up. I turn on the light. there's another one of the little buggers on the ceiling. its at the opposite end of the room and I'm already weary from batle, so I decide that I will turn off the light and it can do what it likes and I will believe that it has gone. I'm 21, I can do mind over matter.

I can't do it

the light comes back on. but I can't find it, its not in the same corner! its in another corner, over where my TV is, at the foot of the bed, and its brought a friend. they sit, perfectly still facing me before one runs towards the head-corner of my room. when I say rin, I mean these buggers have probably been living in my room for a while, me not living there and all, and they have spun a web on the ceiling between all the little bumps in our very 90's plaster. so its half-running, half nearly falling, then the other one comes to join it and they start fighting. over my bed.
very slowly I decide its time to bring out the weapon I've used since I was a child. the feather duster on a stick. I run to get it from downstairs and when I return, I am standing precariously on my bed, poised with the duster ready to dab at the spiders and run to the window. I stand there. I'm still standing there. poised, gaining my courage. after at least 20 mins of staring at the spiders. I decide to stop thinking and do it. Brain disengaged, I dab them onto the duster and shake it out the window with enough gusto to break the duster and for it to fall onto the lawn below. Adrenaline surging, i think to myself, I'll get it in the morning and its time to sleep. job well donw, 4 spiders in a night, what a mad house!

Spiders - 0
Me - 2

Round 4

Not even turned off the light this time. Spider number 2 has rematerialised and is once again spinning his web at the bottom of my bed. the duster is gone. what other spray do I have? Hairspray! at least this will coat it in plastic so it will suffocate! I spray for another 10 seconds and it takes longer to go down this time, perhaps the impulse made it stronger. but it does go down. this time I search for it. but to no avail. I couldn't find it. Deciding I'd had enough, I go back to bed.

Spiders - 1 (for re-incarnation)
Me - 1 (for not killing it first time)

Round 5 (AKA the battle finale)

its 5am at this point and I'm lying in the dark when the hairs on my neck go up again and I know what's there before I turn the light on. I audibly whisper, "you have got to be kidding" as I turn on the light and see 2 more on the ceilling and my little webby friend back to spinning his web. my weapon is on the grass outside who knows if it is full of spiders still or not. I can't go to get it. aerosols don't seem to do anything to these fuckers so what's left?

I got angry

toilet roll in hand I stood on the bed again and crushed bastard number one in the paper. before running the the door and throwing the paper into the landing. bastard number 2 goes in the same way. Webby bastard gets a bit of respect for being so persistant but eventually gets smushed in a tissue and thrown out the door along with his web. by this stage I've already closed the window and put my dressing gown by the crease under the door so they can't get in.

I sleep, safe in my victory and no more spiders came back.

Although I won the battle, I can't help but think that the spiders wer the real victors. I didn't sleep at all that night, broke a feather duster, and lost a substantial chunk of dignity. I believe that I won the battle. but the little monsters win the war.

I also had to explain to my family in the morning why the shards of a feather duster were in the lawn and a load of tissues weer on the landing. they laughed. I was still shell shocked. luckily I left that day.

No Apologies for length. the story needed to be told
(Mon 14th Apr 2008, 11:31, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Woolworths Accident
Back when I worked in Woolworths, about 6 years ago, I saw a lot of weird stuff. pink puke in the sweets aisle last thing on a saturday night, a used condom in the kids clothing aisle *shudder* I even sat on the tills and watched as a couple of kids casually walked in and unplugged a massive TV and walked out! all I could do was ring my bell and laugh. But nothing prepared me for the day a colleague of mine was caught short at the tills!

I was supervising the tills at the time, and everything was fine, it was a bit busy, but with 2 tills going, there wasn't a problem. then I smell it. it was truly foul. I thought it was a fart, as no one seemed to be reacting, but the smell still lingered and in fact got worse. once the customeres had gone, she got up from the till and casually strolled up towards the staff area.

the staff area is at the back of the store in the middle. the quick way is to go through the middle of the store to get there, but we had been told to use the so called "red route" covering the corners where people steal things. This woman had not decided to go the quick way, she had used the 'Red Route' leaving behind her a trail of liquid shit.

Had this been me, I would have cleaned myself up in the toilet, found a spare pair of trousers (we had spare uniforms upstairs) and left the building never to return. Instead, she asked my (male) boss if there were any spare knickers, got some spare trousers and returned to work after someone else had had to clean up her mess.

The wasn't the cleanest of people in the first place, and for the rest of that day, she smelt bad. really bad.

oh, and its not called the 'red route' anymore, its the 'brown route' now...
(Mon 31st Mar 2008, 8:54, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

A dissapointment 10 years in the making
I loved the lion king when it came out, I mean really loved it, I was little enough for this to be acceptable, but I could rattle off the entire script if I had wanted to! - I realised at this point that I have a weird brain for remembering stupid things, but I digress.

the computer game came out and we got a copy, 3 floppy discs and I was amazed, the graphics were as good as a CD ROM! wow!

I loved this game, played it all the time, but I got stuck on the Hakuna Matata level. After much juvenile frustration and trying, I eventually gave up about a year later, I had made my peace with not finishing the game and realising that I never would, for me the game ended there even though I had been looking forward to seeing adult simba and using all his new powers, the game ended at hakuna matata.

the game got uninstalled and re-installed on many different computers through the 90s and I still never got past those bloody floating logs. then one day, about 10 years later, I pick up the discs again, and install it. the graphics were good, but I'd seen better by now. I remembered every move, every secret, and i played the game as effortlessly as I used to when I was little. then, hakuna matata came. the floating logs. I jumped, and jumped and jumped and before I knew it, I hadn't died, I had reached the platform with the stupid monkey boss on it who threw coconuts at me king kong style.

I ended the level, Finally I was going to see what adult simba was like, and perhaps, finish the game.

Now here is where the dissapointment sets in, adult simba was cool, but the level after was frustrating but easy, and then that was it.

The big finale of the game which I had been waiting 10 years for was pants! No, it was beyong pants, simba roared and plants grew. That. Was. It.

10 years.

I'll stick to monkey island when I next feel like playing retro games.
(Fri 27th Jun 2008, 8:50, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Hairdressers
Down where my parents live and where I grew up is a salon called "Dead Swanky"
the people living bove the shop (I mention no names) Kept stealing the 'S'

The sign ended up in FHM!
(Tue 17th Jun 2008, 21:37, More)