» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Cat Fart of Doom

*pop*

Woo, first post! Ever so slightly off topic…

Before I left home for university, my family owned two cats. They were grand, did all the usual catty things and generally, on the surface, all seemed well with them.

Outward appearances can be deceiving.

It was the weekend, and myself and a friend were chilling in my room, when in saunters the male cat, plopping himself at my feet and started to groom himself. A quick scratch behind the ears was all the attention I gave him while I turned my attention back to my mate.

Suddenly, a drawn out, banshee like, high pitch squeal cut through the air, much like the one a balloon makes when you let the air out of it and you pull the neck. It was so unexpected that I almost shat it myself. I look around to see where the hell it was coming from and see the cat with a look of pure terror on his feline face, obviously startled by the strange noise as well. His claws were digging into the carpet, ears flat, eyes as wide as they would go and his head snapping from side to side as he tried to locate the origin of this terrifying, alien sound.

Alas, apparently unbeknownst to him, the source of this noise was emanating from his sphincter.

It spooked the poor mog so much, he sprinted hell for leather out of the room, whilst still farting. As such, there was no escape from the noise, which only spurred him on the more. Seriously, the bugger moved so quickly, the damn thing Doppler shifted, resulting in a bass undertone that reverberated around the walls.

The two of us fell about pissing ourselves at the cat’s misfortune, until the smell hit us. Oh god, did it hit us. I have truly smelled hell. This was the most evil, sulphuric, malignant aroma to scorch itself onto my sinuses. Revolting. Utterly revolting. Words fail me when trying to convey the extent of the fart’s horror.

I remember trying to cover the smell with deodorant which only succeeded in creating a tangy cloying scent which bound itself to the very fibres of our clothes. Not a pleasant afternoon in the end. Thinking back to the cause of the bowel misadventure, the cat food we fed them wasn’t exactly the best stuff: ash was listed as one of the ingredients. Even worse, I hate to think what other subtle shitty tones the cat detected with his superior sense of smell.

Apologies for length etc...
(Tue 1st Apr 2008, 12:59, More)

» The Boss

Very tenuous
In fact, almost completely off topic. I'm applying for an internal job at my work, and having written a mammoth email itemising in excruciating detail why I should be considered for the job to my boss, I signed it off by writing 'Apologies for length'.

Cheers, b3ta.
(Wed 24th Jun 2009, 23:47, More)

» Faking it

The Oompa Prompa (SFW)
Jings! The epitome of faking it:

www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/uploaded_images/DB5101-775223.jpg

My eyes hurt.
(Thu 10th Jul 2008, 18:11, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

Bums and buses.
My girlfriend's bedroom is at the very top of her house, with a small wooden spiral staircase leading up to it from the first floor. The steps wind past a window which looks directly out onto the main road.

To those who travel on the top deck of a particular bus in Edinburgh: I'm so, so sorry if you had to witness my bare, pale arse flash you all as I dashed down the stairs last week to relieve my bursting bladder.

I should also apologise to the old lady who looked up in horror as my morning semi bobbed up and down like a languid drinking bird while I nonchalantly climbed the stairs again a few minutes later.

I promise to wear boxers to bed from now on.
(Sat 30th May 2009, 15:57, More)