» Celebrities part II

Not Me But My Dad...
Who is a typically blunt Lancastrian man.

At a party held by a landowner [and thus rich] friend of his in the Midlands, who should my Dad find himself stood next to, but Miranda Richardson...

By way of introduction my Dad offers "I've seen you on television, haven't I? You're the actress Miranda Richardson?..."

"No" she responds tersely, "I'm an Ac-TOR",

Following on my Dad replies "Yes, you were in "Blackadder" weren't you?

Ms Richardson nods approvingly.

And, finally with a straight face, intent on bringing her down a notch or two, he goes in for the coup-de-grace:

"You played 'Nursey', didn't you?"
(Thu 8th Oct 2009, 13:52, More)

» DIY disasters

Not Mine But My Dads'
This happened around 1985, in our little Lancashire Cottage, our carpets had been replaced, furniture re-upholstered, and all that was left was for a back-boiler to be put in behind our coal fire.

A plumber was duly engaged and came to do the work. After a couple of days, myself and Mum were ready for the switch-on, and after a few minutes of the virgin pump coming to life, drips of water began to drop from the ceiling of our split-level beamed living room.

The drips soon developed into a small stream of water running through a worrying looking crack in the plaster of the ceiling. Plumber worriedly turns off the pump, and almost immediately, a quarter of the ceiling came crashing down. Plumber looks red-faced and announces that he "must have forgotten to solder a pipe...." Off he goes to get his plastering gear in a fit of apologies.

By the time Dad gets home, Plumber has fixed the pipe, soldered it up and is busy plastering the hole in the ceiling. Mum and myself have cleaned up the best we can. All the furniture has been moved to the front half of the room.

The Plumber advises my Dad that if he was to find any loose floorboards then they need screwing, and not nailing down.

Of course, this goes into one of my Dads' ears and immediately out of the other one.

His work complete, the Plumber / Plasterer packs up and goes home, and my Dad is left to look for loose floorboards. He duly finds one upstairs, at the front of the house, directly above where all the furniture has been moved to. Hammer in hand, he proceeds to secure a floorboard, with a nail he happens to have with him.

A blue flash of light shoots across our little row of cottages, and the neighbours assume that a Thunderstorm is approaching. A burning smell alerts my Dad that perhaps not all is well with his handywork. Consequently he claws the nail out of the floorboard, and is hit in the face with a jet of hot water. Soon afterwards, another quarter of the ceiling upends itself on the now soaking furniture, directly underneath, which is covered already in plaster dust and other assorted crap found between floors of centuries-old cottages.

How he avoided certain death is beyond me, what he'd managed to do was not just pierce a water pipe, but then drive the nail into a mains electricity cable routed underneath the pipe......

First post, apologies for length and unexpected piercing.
(Tue 8th Apr 2008, 17:06, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Unintentional Food Porn.
Way back when -in the days of the dot-com boom, I worked for a large american IT consultancy. A cow-orker I shared the office with wasn't the sharpest tool in the box, but was befit with a cracking pair of tits.

One lunchtime, sitting down to enjoy a couple of bread rolls and a bowl of soup, she exclaims:

"I've got a lovely pair of big white baps, and I'm going to dip them in my soup!"

I had to leave the room.

Width? About 38 Inches.
(Mon 16th Jun 2008, 9:00, More)

» Blood

A Tale Of Two Piercings.
It's fair to say I was a studious child, however I was troubled by numerical dyslexia.

I guess it must have been in a maths lesson at Primary School, but one day I was holding one of those old early 80's biros [long blue barrel, pointed at the non-business end, with a clear cap to hold in the refill], with the tip resting against the roof of my mouth, whilst trying to work out the answer to a problem.

However, I must have been pressing too hard, because with one short pop, I'd pushed it straight through the soft tissue in the roof of my mouth, and of course, blood ensued. My mother worked at my school and was on hand to see my crouched over the sink gargling for all I was worth in an attempt to stop the bloodflow. Even now, some 30 years later, I can still feel the mark of where the pen went through my palate if I feel with the tip of my tongue.

However, this is by far not the worst experience I've had with my own blood. The second is far more contemporary.

For various personal reasons, I decided a few years ago to have an intimate piercing, namely an Apadravya. Off I went to visit my parents in Dorset, via a burning train at Didcot and a taxi to Reading, before arriving at Bournemouth. I figured Metal Fatigue in Bournemouth would be a great place to get my piercing as it's just down the road from my folks, and the studio owner is one of the best piercers in the country. Also, my mum is a nurse, so should anything go awry I'd have a trained medical professional on-hand.

So - I handed over the cash, got skewered, got the latex glove over my old chap and sent on my way. Arriving back at my parents place later that afternoon I decided it was time to have a bath.
Without exaggeration, the water in the comfortable white plastic corner bath turned a disturbing shade of crimson. I sat there boggling at the amount of my blood in the water, and wondered to myself why I wasn't as shocked as I might be at the prospect.

The next few days were akin to what menstruation must be like for women, however, after about 3, the bleeding stopped, and I've been happy with it ever since. One day I might go for an Ampallang to complete the set, although at least I know what I'm letting myself in for, should I do.
(Mon 11th Aug 2008, 15:14, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Spoilt Twunt I Went To University With
Called Adrian, of course he had a double-barrelled surname and his parents owned a significant chunk of Devon.

He drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney[*] and annoyed the piss out of his room-mate such that he got moved into a University Halls room of his own.

Regarding the smoking, and his heavily asthmatic condition, he didn't seem to worry:

"I'll just pay for a heart and lung transplant..."
(Mon 13th Oct 2008, 14:18, More)