» Customers from Hell

I am a barman, please talk to me like I'm a twat
I work part-time in a pub on weekends and I sympathise with everyone of my comrades who suffer from being on the wrong side of the bar.

There are good times, like people getting the names of drinks wrong, Managers, Stringbow (?), and J-2o in a variety of mispronounced ways (J-Lo, H-20-J, OJ-20 etc)

Anyway, two particular incidents spring to mind. The first was a regular who is no longer with us. Every Sunday, to the minute, she would come in and have a whiskey and water. She looked like she had been 80 all her life but though a bit stern never caused any trouble. Until the last time we saw her. THere was a major match on TV and the place was packed, and there were a fair number of families in there having Sunday lunch.

She came in and had the usual, and as I went to collect payment she pulled out a small bag of old pennies and threepenny bits. I told her they were no longer legal tender and I needed 'current' currency. Then I found out the hard way that although she was petite, she had a hell of a scream on her. And I mean screaming, not shouting.
'HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!! THIS IS BRITISH MONEY!! I calmly said that although that was true it was no longer in use.
'I'VE BEEN SAVING THESE FOR YEARS, SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN, BOY, AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A BARMAN? YOU KNOW FUCK ALL!! THIS IS BRITISH 'SOVEREIGNTY' YOU IGNORANT FUCK. Once again I remained calm and told her it's my job to serve drinks, not take abuse. At this point the man next in line muttered under his breath 'For fuck's sake' and said he'd pay for her. Regaining her nice calmness we are used to she said 'Thank you, but don't think I'm going home with you.'

The second incident involved Christmas Eve a few years ago where the group of pisshead chavs was 3 deep the other side of the bar. $ of us on the shift and the crowd is getting restless. In all the rowdiness I hear somebody shouting 'Hurry up' and just ignored it. A few minutes later he says it again. then again. All the time, we are flat out serving as fast as we can and then I come face to face with the guy who kept saying it. He who is superior to the barstaff.
'Too late mate, I'm being served'. I go to move to serve someone else and he grabs my collar. 'Listen cunt, I've been waiting here over 10 fucking minutes to get served, and when I say hurry up that means I'm next, okay?'
I told him we have a queuing system here and it generally works very well.
'10 fucking minutes!! 10 fucking minutes!! You are a sad excuse for a barman, and I hope your mum gets cancer for Christmas,' At this point I grab the nearest pint and think 'Fuck it' and go to throw it in his face, at which point the regulars intervene and tell him to fuck off and die. As he's leaving I shouted out for him to hurry up.
(Sun 7th Sep 2008, 10:37, More)

» Public Transport Trauma

Why Certain American Fat Mums Are Single
Imagine the scene, a long haul flight to Las Vegas, on the one side of the aisle my mate, his wife and her friend, on the other side of the aisle, me in the aisle seat, a large mum in the middle and at the window seat the sort of American brat who gets picked on deservedly in American comedies. The sort of kid who gets picked to play Bethlehem in school nativities.
The plane takes off and straightaway the little probably literal bastard starts to kick off that he's hungry. Cue the sumo mum asking if I can get his rucksack out of the overhead locker. Bear in mind the plane hasn't levelled off and the seat belts signs are still lit up. He doesn't take waiting a few minutes very well and starts to compalin very loudly that he wants his 'candy' and now.
The plane levels off, the seat belt signs go off with a 'ping' and within split seconds she nudges me to get his tooth decayers out. There are 2 rucksacks, one seems to have a bowling ball in it and the other probably a compressed dead elephant by the weight of it.I pass the nearest one down and BINGO the little shit's a happy boy, so i put his bag back up and try to get comfy again for the flight to paradise. Not easy with one arsecheek floating surprisingly pert in the aisle. Ten minutes later he wants a drink so she gently nudges me to get a drink down for him. This time it's in the bad furthest in , wedged in tight. After a bit of wrestling and tugging I get it free, pass it down, she gets his drink out and I put it back in the compartment again. She passes him his drink, he opens it and she gets soaked. She blames me for shaking it up while the kid laughs like a date rapist leaving the scene. I give her some improvised crap about air pressure and she apologises and forgives me. Yeah big deal. By this time my three mates the other side are in hysterics and as they are about to eat some food of their own offer some to me. Big mistake. They said my name, and I still haven't forgiven them. She hears it and uses it to strike up petty conversation and uses it to the point where I'm seriously toying with changing it by deed poll.

'So Steve, where are you from Steve?'
'Been to Vegas before, Steve?'
'Steve, is there a Mrs Steve?'
And so on (ad infinitum)

Then after the little piglet has wolfed down both his and her meals it's entertainment time. No screens in the backs of seats, just a few small TVs peppered around the aisles on the ceiling showing some cheesy rom-com. I don't mind, at least it'll shut her up.

Until Augustaus Gloop next to her decides he doesn't want to watch this and wants his portable DVD player...

'Steve, can you get his DVD player out for him, please Steve?'

After much silent cursing and rummaging around I pass the rucksack down and he gets his precious gadget out. I put the bag up yet again and settle down for a snooze.......

'Steve, can you get up? I think you're sat on his headphones.'

I get up. I'm not.

'Can you get out in the aisle so we can check the floor?'
By now I'm getting really pissed off, and we are only about 90 minutes into the flight. She checks the floor, and wakes the people in front to ask them to get up and in the aisle aswell. The people behind were awake but they had to aswell, all because of this obnoxious little doughnut with limbs hasn't reached puberty and will watch anything with Kate Hudson in it.
Eventually he found them. He forgot he'd put them in the magazine flap below his tray. He's happy now, so I'm happy I can have a snooze.
10 minutes later she gently whispers in my ear (something i NEVER want to go through again), 'Steve, can you put his DVD player back up for him? The batteries have died' Personally I wish something larger and closer to me would have died instead.

Eventually I got to sleep, only to be woken by her informing me, 'Steve, we are now flying over the biggest lake in America'.

IT'S NIGHTTIME AND I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING ANYWAY!!!

The words 'fuck off and die' are seconds from my lips. I just murmured in my fake state of hibernation and thank fuck she left me alone for the rest of the flight.

I don't hate anyone because of their size. I hate awkward, rude, brash pachiderms with no mothering skills who don't say 'Thank you' just once for the inconvenience they put others through.



Length? Fair, Width? Let's just say she has moons orbitting her
(Tue 3rd Jun 2008, 18:53, More)

» Advice from Old People

The greatest words ever spoken to me
were from my best friend ever, and my role model - my Grandad


Good manners don't cost you anything, but bad manners cost you a lot


I still miss you so much
(Fri 20th Jun 2008, 15:41, More)

» Accidental innuendo

The joys of forklift driving
In the warehouse where I work we have some stock that is stacked in columns on the floor and some which is stacked in racking. One incident that springs to mind was when I was driving my forklift truck throught the racking area when a female colleague was stood with a pallet truck and needed some stock dropped down. I obliged and then turned a corner and had a time wasting chat with a mate of mine.
Skip forward 2 minutes to the point where she comes around the corner and says the immortal line, 'can I have just one more drop, please?'.

Cue hysterical fits of chuckles, guffaws and tears.
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 14:08, More)