» Blood

The Red Hand of Ulster
When I was a student in the 2000 I lived with six other guys in what, for all intents and purposes, was akin to a U.S. frat house. We we're the archetypal "lads" who went boozing every day and night, missed lectures, slept around and generally had a blast.

Two of the lads in my house were Irish and we had a bit of fun with the culture clash (we remain firm friends to this day). They used to rib us English lads about "The Troubles" and we would mock them back for their Irish-isms.

Anyway, about two weeks into the year I managed the unlikely feat of pulling a real hottie. We had a massive house party at our house and as it was winding down I got talking to this blonde girl who wasn't backwards in coming forwards. A few smokes and drinks later and she suggested we go back to my room for a bit of fun.

How can I explain this?.... I was in that magic zone whereby the alcohol in my system gave me super-staying power. To be fair, she was really enjoying it as well. The lights were out and after a while I was pretty shattered so I asked her to get on top and eventually nature took it's course. It was, by my admittedly tame standards, one of the best one night stands I've ever had.

About 5am I woke up in the pitch black needing a piss, stumbled over to the door and opened it into a deserted, bright stairwell. I was naked and, to my horror, covered from my belly to my thighs in blood!

I dashed upstairs to the bathroom, had a piss, cleaned myself up and thought about how to delicately break it to the girl that she had come on during the act (it wasn't something you could ignore because my bed covers were bloody as well). Anyway, a few hours later I tried to be gentle and understanding but she left crying and ashamed - a real downer on the night before I can tell you.

In those days if one of the lads had scored on the previous night then the rest would be sniffing for details the following morning. Still hungover, the lads hammered on my door 'til I let them in and then reacted like I was some sort of nutter. "There's fucking blood everywhere - what did you do?!", that sort of thing. Being a gentleman I gave them a blow by blow account and they ended up having a sort of semi horrified-admiration for my exploits. Then one of the Irish lads noticed my England flag above the headboard of my bed. The room dissolved into laughter.

Whilst she was on top, to steady herself she had put her hands up against the wall and inadvertantly put a perfect bloody hand-print on my St George Cross.

The night was known as "The Red Hand of Ulster" from then on.

Interesting side note, I found out about 18 months later from one of the girl's friends that she was actually a virgin. I would never have believed it at the time because she seemed to know what she was doing and she was gorgeous. It makes me cringe to think about our little talk of her "coming on". She must have been so disillusioned. I'm not proud of myself but that's the truth!
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 13:41, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

Weird Science
I had a crush on Kelly Le Brock in Weird Science for a while. I think that's why I love Eighties knickers even now. Forget the thong which dissapears up the arse crack and covers a neatly shaven clam, I want a girl in y-fronts with a nicely kempt shrubbery (think Sigourney Weaver in Alien)
(Thu 5th Nov 2009, 15:01, More)

» Family Feuds

Brotherly hate.
Me and my brother used to fight all the time when we were kids.
The worst incident occured when my brother, chasing me in a fury, threw a hammer at me which connected with the back of my head. It hurt and I hit the deck but I was mostly feigning death so he would come over and check that I was still breathing and thus I could grab his ankle and beat the living daylights out of him.

The plan worked.... too well!

As he approached I jumped up, he leapt out of reach and ran into the house. I caught up with him as he was about to dive into the sanctuary of the livingroom and managed to land an awesome punch on the top of his arm. He was lifted off his feet, his head hit the door frame and he fell like into the livingroom like a slab, unconscious.

Both my parents, who had been reading their newspapers when their youngest son collapsed into the room, went ballistic. I was the almighty bastard and the hammer thrower was the poor innocent.

It took a few weeks for the air to clear that time I can tell you.

p.s. We get on great guns these days.
(Thu 12th Nov 2009, 12:59, More)

» Sexual fetishes

Alka Seltzer
My mate told me this so I hope it is true......
He was in the army and there was a particularly rampant girl who had done the rounds. Her affections could be bought for half a cider and black if you know what I mean.

He gets her back to his place and they're doing the naughty when all of a sudden she asks him to put two Alka Seltzers up inside her muff. Apparently she started fizzing like a Catherine Wheel and bucking like a mustang.

It's sort of intruiged me ever since.
(Thu 22nd Oct 2009, 15:52, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Harry Cunting Fuckface Potter
A book about some cunt who goes to boarding school and waves his magic wand at fellow students and faculty members.

If I hear one more grown adult extolling the virtues of this kiddy's series I am going to club them to death with a real book. Something good like a Philip K Dick novel or a Vonnegut. Or, I might choke them "ironically" with a fucking awful Dan Brown (he's another shit-slurper who should be exterminated for the good of humanity).

What is the attraction? Do they read it because it's full of short words? Is it just the right size to lube up and touch all the way round their anal openings? They fuck me right off. The only mitigating reason for the continuing existence of this set of mediocre fantasy novels is to tell me who to avoid. It's a badge of idiocy for anyone dull enough to brag about reading one.

Fuck off Harry Potter.
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 20:26, More)