» Nightclubs

Breakups, swingers and boozery; oh my!
Now, as a principle I don't really go to clubs. The booze is too pricey, I like the music but as like a lot of men am only blessed with the ability to perform one very rigid dance. This leads to an inability to trap off with a member of the opposite sex and I instead opt to bimble off down the kebab shop rather than gyrating.

Anyway, I had broken up with the former Mrs. Cunt a few months ago and had spent the week indulging in lots of alcohol and having what's know as 'a bloody good time' because naturally, I was upset about it all. So, I gets a phone call from a buddy to see if I want to go out to Manchester's very own sticky floored venue, 42nd Street - beats sitting in wanking watching another re-run of Top Gear thinks I, so whips on some glad rags (well, it was jeans and a t-shirt really) and gets gone.

After having ingested several beers, eyeing up the ladies having a sweat and a wobble and passing the typical comments, I gets up and partakes in a dance not similar to something by C3P0. It's not going anywhere and being not the healthiest person in the North West, I start to get a bit of a sweat on and decide 'bollocks, it's time for a fag'.

In I come, post cigarette and sit down to compose my thoughts and started thinking about the former Mrs. Cunt. So whilst I'm in my moment of solace I hear 'do you wanna shag me?' and look around. Now, it seemed like I was in luck as I'd already been taken out for a kebab this week by another lass. The chance to see a mimsy would have been amazing, so naturally and for the team, I say 'yes' with a slight twitch on.

We speak, I drink more, she drinks more, and then she says 'but my boyfriend wants to watch'. Ummm... thinks I. Cue another few drinks. 'He also wants you to have sex with him'. I didn't really fancy smashing someone's back doors in that night, so I politely declined, ceased the twitching and let them leave with someone who resembled a barbary ape.

There are also a few other stories regarding Canal Street on a Russian society social, and when I was banned from entering 42's by the goblin on the door for being 'fucked' and insisting "I'm fine, don't worry 'bout me!"

Length? Nah, no apologies this week. I didn't let them see!

(Does anyone know if 42's has a reputation for being a swinging hot spot, btw?)
(Fri 10th Apr 2009, 12:57, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

Pensioners...
Okay this isn't any proclamation of near necrophilia, but a few weeks ago I went to see Fleetwood Mac in Manchester. This naturally, caused a reawakening of my crush on Mr. Lindsey Buckingham. This shouldn't really happen as he is pushing it now and he doesn't have 'it' as much as in the late 70's. But yes, he'd get it. Whilst playing Second Hand News.

It's sad to say Stevie Nicks has a neck like a vagina now.
(Sat 7th Nov 2009, 13:57, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Serious problems
As I bought a 1st gen iPhone which was about as reliable as a glass dummy. Replaced it with a Sony Ericsson C902 which again, has been shocking.
(Wed 5th Aug 2009, 16:28, More)

» Impulse buys

Student Loan:
Squire Telecaster - Used maybe once or twice 'coz it hurt to play after having drunk too much and I shredded my fingers.

Warren Zevon Disocgraphy - Best musical purchase I've ever made.

Sony Ericsson C902 - Aye, didn't really need to replace the old one, but okay... (and I needed a new digicam)

Lots of alcohol and a kebab flung into the mix.

Length? Not too big, 'coz of the shame!
(Sat 23rd May 2009, 12:50, More)

» I'm your biggest Fan

Jeremy Clarkson and the Marlboro Lights.
Oooh, this has to be better than meeting Fleetwood in The 'Pool I think!

Anyway, it was in November 2007 when I was granted access to the mythical Top Gear studio down in Godalming, the deep heart of Surrey.

I approached this day with great trepidation as I'd heard all kinds of stories about Clarkson being a twat to people etc, and wasn't even sure it was gonna be a good'un. I needed not have been worried though, as between a lot of swearing between the presenters, and a lot of waiting about we had the obligatory tea break half way between filming. Basically it involved a lot of eating free crisps, smoking, drinking tea and waiting for the presenters to make an appearance. Cue half an hour of solid bodily abuse, and Clarkson makes an appearance and the first thing I thought wasn't 'man alive, he's a tall bloke' it was more 'fuck me, he looks ancient' - if any of you have met him, I'm sure you'll agree! I walked up to him, and said "Hi", he said "Hey, what can I do for you?". I whip out a packet of Marlboro Lights and said "you couldn't sign these, could you?" to which he replies "Hang on mate, I need to get a pen and you know it's gonna cost you?". Now I'm thinking that all my childhood dreams of meeting him are gonna be shattered and he's gonna start being a twunt. But no, I asked him how much and to my surprise he said "Can I have a fag, please?" took one, lit it, went off to get a pen, came back and signed the little gold and white box! Job done!

Length? I'm not sure. The fag was a few inches, and he's tall!
(Sat 18th Apr 2009, 15:09, More)