» Customers from Hell

Marks & Spencers, a Christmas yuletide log
Word was spreading like wildfire among the staff.
I was among a pack of teenagers acting as Christmas workers at an M&S in a greater London shopping centre, and stacking shelves at the time.

There was a woman on the shop floor doing a poo.

I decided on hearing this rumour, that I was going to investigate, and trotted through to the food tills. There was indeed a small melee around a till, where yes, a woman was crouching over a green bucket, the ones normally used for the flowers in the horticultural dept.

Red-faced, she'd hitched up her skirt, and was coiling one out in full view of a rather packed department store ten days before Christmas.

She didnt even look like a weirdo. Quite posh in fact. She stood up and handed the bucket to a male member of staff, and said to the ashen faced till girl....

"I'm so sorry. I'm pregnant."

The M&S guy said, 'we have customer toilets.'

to which she replied,

"I didn't want to lose my place in the queue."
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 10:15, More)

» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

The photo
A bit off topic, BUT.

I was dumped, after the only time I ever cheated on a girlfriend: I went home with a random girl in a whole different county, safe in the knowledge that this one off bout of the ol' in-out would go undiscovered.

What were the chances of rolling over and seeing a photograph of my girlfriend on random girl's wall.

Old uni friends. Cracking morning that was.
(Wed 11th Jun 2008, 16:23, More)

» Nightclubs

What I wore on my first ever trip to a nightclub
I was quite a late starter when it came to the side whiskers and deep voice malarkey. So when my best mates started clubbing as teenagers, I was at home watching Blind Date.

But one Friday evening, as a 16 year old, my home phone rang, interrupting TFI Friday. It was my friend Chris, who informed me that he and a pal were off to the local nightclub. It was famed for letting under age kids in, so I thought, 'What the hell,' I'll give it a go.

The last thing Chris said before he put down the phone was, 'no jeans or trainers.' I didn't own a pair of trousers that weren't jeans- I was sixteen for heavens sakes! Then I went to my wardrobe, looked inside, and....FLASH FORWARD TWO HOURS...I stroll into the club with my bright green Ted Baker shirt on, two pints in my hands, the full Liam Gallagher swagger, and find Chris at the bar.

"Whitehorse!" he said, glancing down at me. "How the fuck did you get in here..."IN YOUR FUCKING SCHOOL UNIFORM?"
(Thu 9th Apr 2009, 17:25, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

Easter.
When I was a teenager, my girlfriend got a terrible disease from a Chinese meal eaten in a Mallorca restaurant, while we were on holiday.

The doctors over there said Chinese restaurants reheat rice, mix it with fresh rice, reheat that, and by probability you're often served rice that could be five months old.

Anyway, on our return to England, she had to give a stool sample to the department of foreign illnesses, or whatever it's called, near Tottenham Court Road. But the Diarrhoea was so bad, bless her, we had no idea how to 'collect it.'

Eventually, it being Easter, I had the idea of cutting the plastic packaging around an easter egg, and holding it below her little bottom for her to poo in, before pouring it into a tupperware cup.

I think that's the nicest thing I've ever done for anyone. Click?
(Tue 7th Oct 2008, 12:47, More)

» Spoilt Brats

A turn up
I went on a foreign holiday to Africa and while there, I met another young English lad called James. We got along like a forest fire, he was just like me (love of beer, tall tales and more beer).

They say when women meet, perhaps at a bus stop, that within three minutes they know everything about each other: their sister's names, where their shoes are from, where they work...but men....well I spent a week with James and despite sharing the holiday of a lifetime, never really found out much about him, other than we were both 19.

When we met up weeks after we returned from Africa, he gave me his address. It was a mooring on the Thames. Where he lived on his own, on a half a million quid's worth of house boat in Chelsea.

When I popped round, I couldn't believe it. He had a Mercedes sports convertible parked up by the boat. His old man was in that Sunday Times rich list.

And you know what, he is the nicest bloody young man I have ever encountered in my life. I started to think back to the sharing of bills in Africa, him giving hairbands and pencils out to kids (its wrong to give money, it fucks up the economy- imagine little Kwanga, 5, returning home with her parents yearly income in her hand). I thought about his normal Adidas shoes.

You may have met him yourself. And you'd never have guessed what his old man, or him, have in the bank.

Which makes me smile.

(Because I'd be an utter twat if I won the lottery. Think Lotto Lout with imagination.)
(Fri 10th Oct 2008, 10:58, More)