» Accidental innuendo

Badly handled innuendo
I work part-time in the local old-mans boozer. One night I was in my usual position (sat on my bum on a bar stool awaiting instruction) when a middle aged gent entered the pub and approached the bar. Surveying our large range of draught bitters, he ummed and erred for a while before asking for:

'One of your handjobs please'

whilst making a pulling motion with his arm.

I know what he meant, but ended up wheezing with silent laughter, shoulders a-shaking, while having to deliver said 'handjob' ie. pint of bitter for those unfamiliar with the good ole British pub.

That should have been it, and I wish to god it had been, but when the hysteria began to subside I replied;

'I'm afraid I don't do those'

and then, for why I do not know, said;

'Oh, well, I do, just not in here'

When I saw the look of horror on his face, I realised I'd just told a respectable-looking, pillar of the community-type complete stranger, that I wank people off in my spare time.

Horrors.

First post - yay woo!
(Tue 17th Jun 2008, 19:31, More)

» Tales of the Unexplained

Alien abduction?
The other night I was in bed with the bloke I’ve been seeing for a couple of weeks.

‘I love you’ say I, for the very first time.

In the morning when I woke, he’d disappeared.

Explain that one!
(Fri 4th Jul 2008, 9:14, More)

» Common

Text speak
I cut the below from a facebook group site:

"ope trish turns up safe n well,my forts r wiv al family, friends n associates t trish .best of luck ye n try n stay strong 4 da nxt hurtin person goin thru dis agony wiv u ,im opin 4 a happy outcum along wiv evry1 else XxX"

I can cope with it on a text message (though I did once refuse a second date with a bloke on the grounds of too much text speak - he doesn't know that though), you're trying to save space etc, but there is no excuse for it on facebook etc. Its free! Use as much space as you want!

While I'm on it, the constant misuse of their / they're / there, your / you're and people using 'borrowed' instead of 'lent' and 'learnt' instead of 'taught'. And misuse / complete failure to use punctuation. Which should ensure that I've misused punctuation somewhere in all this which some kind b3tard will point out to me and I'll be suitably embarrassed.

Ooooh I like this weeks QotW!
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 0:47, More)

» Common

my neighbour
I was going to write something snobby about the mum of my best mate when I was growing up, but then I had a change of heart, so I'm going to pay a small tribute to her shining beacon of commoness in an otherwise middle-class childhood:

1. She made home-made chips, in a chip pan on the hob. She served them with sausage and egg, on trays, so we could eat in front of the TV.
2. She kept us kids well topped-up with Vimto cordial
3. She believed in 'Elevenses' - basically an excuse to sit down and eat Kit-Kats, Gold Bars, Club biscuits, Penguins or whatever chocolaty treat she had stashed in the cupboards that week.
4. She approved whole-heartedly of Girls Worlds, Sylvanian Families and, most importantly, Barbie! Her two daughters had every kind of Barbie PLUS the Barbie house, Barbie horse and carriage, Barbie car etc.
5. She was an enthusiastic watcher of the soaps; Coronation Street, Eastenders, Brookside, and the golden chalice for 8-year-old girls......Neighbours. She would even call us in from the garden when Neighbours was starting.

All small stuff, but stuff I never got at home, where I had to watch Newsround and Blue Peter then turn the TV off, chips were a birthday treat, I had to eat healthy foods (read over-boiled veg) washed down with Robinson's cordial while sat at the dinner table, and Barbie was banned. So, Stacey's Mum, I salute you!
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 11:26, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

Poetry
First, a little background: two years ago, I ended a five-year relationship. The man in question, who I will refer to as L, was brilliant - funny, smart, successful, in many ways I feel he might have been my soulmate. But there was a big age-gap, and eventually our differing opinions on what we were looking for out of life made our relationship untenable. I ended it and moved out and back in with my parents. For a while it was too difficult for us to see each other, and we had no contact for months, but after a while we realised that we meant too much to each other to cut each other out of our lives. We had to work very hard at it, but in time we managed to build a really good friendship. We would meet up on a fairly regular basis for dinner, and would laugh all night.

This continued until just a few months ago, when I decided to move to a different town, 200 miles away from where I had been living. The weekend before I moved, I went for dinner with friends, including L. We met up at a bar first, and I was presented with a scrapbook another friend had made me, with lots of photos and letters from all my lovely mates (which itself was very nearly the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me). Included in this scrapbook was a poem written by L.

Now, let me just say that L is NOT the poetry type. In fact, as far removed from the poetry type as you could get. But he'd sat down and written the most amazing poem, which told the story of our relationship from beginning to end. He mentioned everything: how we had got together, holidays, days out, nights out, arguments, even the day I lost my shoe in a swamp. Every little detail, all the small events that are unremarkable to outsiders but somehow are marker stones in a relationship, was included. I was, and remain, astounded by the sheer thoughtfulness of it and the effort he had gone to, and it remains a wonderful testament to how important we were to each other that he would do that for me.

I know that I broke his heart, and I know that for a long time he would have had me back if I had asked, but he let me go with good grace, never making me feel bad and encouraging every decision I made, even if it eventually meant moving so far away from him.

So, L, thank you. For the poem, for every nice thing you ever did for me, and for being simply one of the best people I have ever had the privilage of knowing. I feel lucky every day for having had you in my life.
(Fri 3rd Oct 2008, 20:44, More)