» I'm going to Hell...

Hull for this very reason
Back when I was 10 and he was 7, Me and my brother Richard were sat on the back seats of my Mum's Granada at a set of traffic lights in Milton Keynes.

We hatched a cracking wheeze where we'd both pretend to be mongs and spack it up towards the car next to us. Cue much cocked hand pawing at the window, drooling and slack jawed mongishness, The woman driving the neighbouring car nudged her husband noticing the two drooling cabbages in the back of the Granada with a look of pity upon her face.

That's not the reason I'm off to Hell though. When my Mum caught sight of us she started to give us both a good hiding through the front seats much to the distress of the watching woman.

We made my Mum look like an utter monster who randomly leathered the shit out of poor defenceless retard kids.
(Wed 17th Dec 2008, 12:49, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

The most Wildean of grown up retorts
Last year I was driving through the streets of Sheffield on a road I know well when I approached a roundabout where the road takes an interesting turn. The filter lanes of the roundabout give you two options, A: Left turn only. B: Right & straight on.

As I was going straight on I got into the right lane and proceeded just as a middle aged chap in an Audi whipped up the left hand lane and tried to poach my spot in the road. As I was in the right and not expecting this crazy manouvre I carried on forcing him to stay in his second choice lane.

When I pulled to a halt the chap drew parrallel with me bellowing "You stupid cunt! The left lane's for road ahead you fucking prick!". Which left me with only one path of reply ........ I stared straight at him, cocked both hands to clawed right angles, pushed my bottom lip out with my tongue and belmed "Mnnnurgh! JOEY!" at him.

The reaction was a suitably enraged executive and I tootled off with the satisfaction of the truly immature
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 20:27, More)

» Hypocrisy

The Great British Public
Apologies if this has bindun but I'm not trawling through X pages of posts.

The British press and the British public are guilty of the greatest hypocrisy of all - Their attitude towards Jade Goody. If we look back a year ago when Jade was embroiled in the "Shilpa popadom" bruhaha when the public and the fourth estate were baying for her blood for alleged racism. Look back at all of the shite that she's also fed the press and they in turn have fed the peon masses - Jade sucks off some moron in BB - Jades Mum in shoplifting drama - My estranged Dad - Boyfriend beats the shit out of some poor fucker. The public, up until this point, have fucking loathed her with a venom normally only reserved for Myra Hindley.

Fast forward a year "I've got cancer" say Jade. Suddenly everyone's hailing her as a brave princess, wedding this, Jade's love that .... Even the fucking Home Office let her violent ex-con fiancee alter his HDC curfew to marry her. They'll probably shut down the M25 so they can transport her body ala Lady Di with snuffling, weeping council types lining the route.

I'm unaffected, She's still an annoying pig in a dress.
(Tue 24th Feb 2009, 11:56, More)

» Banks

There's no other organisation as talented at complete an utter cuntery as banks
The planned and staged attempts at trying to get their fucking claws even deeper into you than the current account which offers a litany of useless accoutrements for a monthly fee. The contiunual upselling where you call to query a transaction and Pradeep, "My name is Jonathan", tries to get you to take out home insurance.

Banks are a necessary evil but what I dislike is the continual intrusion into my life solely on the basis that "We enable you to live your life as you want" As if their 'personal' banking service has bestowed upon them some kind of family member staus ...... Well fuck you. Fuck you in the arse and your Mum can lick the shitty bit after. Morrison's sell me condoms, does that mean they have a vested right in which sexual position I adopt?

I rally against the wankers. I argue every point, I refuse to give any quarter to them and do it with a smile on my face and a song in my heart - Every pound wrestled back from those Godless motherfuckers is a victory. In the unlikely event that my bank manager's reading (like he'd ever know who I was except a number on a balance sheet) then; Fuck you and all.
(Thu 16th Jul 2009, 20:54, More)

» Puns

The difference between a pun and an innuendo
There seems to be a lot of confusion between a pun and innuendo. I admit that, for some, it may be a subtle bridge too far but I hope to make the difference clear and bring order to QOTW.

A pun is a form of word play that deliberately exploits ambiguity between similar-sounding words for humorous or rhetorical effect. However, innuendo is an Italian suppository.
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 22:31, More)