» Buses

Burns night, sorry its a bit long
Have only got one slightly out of the ordinary tale involving a public bus.
( a few involving living on a travellers bus doing festivals but thats a different story)
This was probably mid 80s.
A group of us went to a Burns Night Supper at some gawd forsaken American Werewolf in London style pub in a remote moorland village.
I cant remember why or how as none of us were of Scottish descent, but may have been something to do with all the booze you could drink was included in the cover price which back then was probably about £5 tops, and one of the guys was a cousin to the landlords daughters boyfriend or something.
So we all piled into a van with a designated driver and drove the 12 miles or so to this odd little pub.
I learned 3 things.
1/Haggis is vile
2/And the lure of free booze is too much of a temptation to resist as our driver got wasted.
3/And I'd rather die freezing on the moor than try to sleep in a freezing van with several guys and the after effects of much beer and haggis.
And being slightly *cough* drunken myself I opted to walk home.
WTF was I thinking?
And WTF did no-one try to stop me?
In the first hour or so a couple of cars passed me and did stop to offer me a lift but i was so stubborn pissed and angry I declined.
By the time I reached the first big road it had started to snow lightly and I was stone cold sober, in the arse end of nowhere and holding back the panic.
I stood at the crossroads and stuck my thumb out whenever the rare car passed by but none stopped.
Just as I was about to carry on walking i saw headlights approaching and thumbed again when i saw it was a bus with the 'not in service' sign up, so i dropped my thumb, and my head.
Then my jaw also dropped as the bus stopped just up ahead and the door opened.
I was standing there not sure if it had stopped for me when the driver got out and beckoned.
I can still remember his words
"Bloody hell lass what are you doing out here on yer own, get on"
And so I did and I could have cried or hugged him.
I told him what had happened and he turned the air blue, both at me and my pals LOL
He said he could take me to within a couple of miles of where i lived as the depot was in a different direction.
Sitting in that warm bus on the front seat while he told me about his family and how proud he was of his daughter who was at university made me feel safe.
When we hit the first town he asked if I minded if he ate some chips?
Was a bit puzzled as I couldnt smell any, but when i said no, he pulled up and said he would be right back and got off the bus turning everything off
So i'm sitting there on my own on a darkened bus wondering whats going on as he vanished down an alley.
Just at the point where I'm thinking maybe i should get off , he comes back and drops a hot paper bag into my hands.
Then drives onto the seafront and we sit and eat chips watching the snow falling.
As we set off again he tells me he has made a call to the depot , and if I was his daughter he wouldnt leave me miles from home on a night like this.
And he drives me right up to the end of my road way out of his way back.

As has been my experience of the kindness of strangers when im lost away from home and have been helped I never think to ask their names when i thank them

So to that unknown bus driver , bless you
(Sun 28th Jun 2009, 1:18, More)

» Food sex

Sorry ;)
I was told it was rude
To play with your food
But one night on a whimsey
We had fun with my mimsey

A big wedge of cheese
Was too much of a squeeze
And a knobbly cold pickle
Just made my bits tickle

On my knees I did squat
As he inserted a kumquat
And a piece of lost Snickers
Left a bad stain in my knickers

Being slathered in honey
Just ended up funny
And how we did laugh
As we went for a bath

Squirty cream was too boring
We ended up snoring
Plus it curdled too quick
And just made us feel sick

Tomatoes and strawberries
They have too many pips
Picking them off me
Just got right on my tits

And then on a whim
He pushed a banana in my quim
I admit it was nice
But you cant use one twice

We used food to be rude
But it just broke my mood
I did like a crisp celery stick
But nothing beats a good stiff hard prick
(Wed 12th Aug 2009, 2:03, More)

» Caught!

Too soft to be a career criminal
I think i was about 7 or 8
Myself and a couple of friends were messing around in the schoolyard at morning break,
When we discovered the back door to the kitchen was open.
And on a table a tray of the biggest chocolate sponge we'd ever seen.
It must have been 2 foot by 3 and cut into squares, probably to be served with that pink custard you never saw anywhere outside of school
(WTF was that weird pink custard?)
We looked at each other, looked around and back to the sponge.
They wouldn't notice if we took all the pieces from one side would they?
Ah the innocence of youth.
So we crept in, took the cake and legged it round the back of the yard.
Unfortunately this meant we had about a dozen slabs of cake and morning break was going to end soon.
Theres only so much dry cake you can eat in a short time and we couldnt give any away, so most of it ended up being flushed down a toilet.
Spent the rest of the morning terrified that suddenly bells were going to start ringing and wild eyed snake haired dinner ladies were going to be rampaging through the school weilding knives and rolling pins, baying for blood.
So it was with great relief when the dinner bell sounded as normal and we trooped into the dining room.
Chattering, laughing, clanking the dinner trays together, all the usual school dinner time noises.
Which ground to a halt when we saw the metal grills over the serving hatches weren't open.
And the dinner ladies were all lined up in front of it, and the headmaster standing in front of them.
I had never been so terrified in all my life and looking around to check my co-conspiritors i guess they felt the same.
Kristians lip was quivering, Susan had tears in her eyes, and me, my heart was pounding and my stomach was churning.
Confused mutterings grew until the headmaster held up his hand for silence.
I cant for the life of me remember what he then said because the combination of fear and hastily consumed cake overcame me.
I barfed and blew chunks of chocolate sponge all over the dining room floor.
And I think I may even have wet myself a little
Events that followed are a little bit hazy, but I have vague memories of grassing up my friends, detention,
line writing, lack of any pudding for a week , the disdain of fellow schoolmates, specially the ones I grassed up , the dinner ladies giving me short rations and a right bollocking from parents
Schooldays, the best days of your life eh?
(Sat 5th Jun 2010, 22:47, More)

» Turning into your parents

Sorry mum
Several years ago I realised I had turned into my mum.
Not the funny mum who did crazy things to make us laugh.
But the mum who hid her face in the morning so we couldnt see a new bruise, even though we had been there when he did the drunken beating.
Two kids under 10 trying to stop a grown man and failing.
I'm ashamed to say, as soon as were legally old enough to leave, thats what we did.
Sorry mum, we just couldnt stop it or watch anymore :(
Somewhere along the way I ended up shacked up with this guy.
Charismatic, everyone loved him.
The first time he beat me, it was my fault, the second time yada yada.
Always on the body where no-one could see.
Till one night he totally lost it and messed my face up pretty good.
I remember sitting there and thinking "how am i going to explain this?"
And then him telling me i wasnt to go out until it had cleared up.
And I saw my mum, hiding away, and now that was me.
They say we all turn into our parents at some point, but that aspect just wasnt sitting happily with me.
I know first hand the real sound of Spang
A saucepan wrapped around his face, followed by my dragging/throwing his sorry ass out of the door.

I like the nicer traits my mum has left me with.
The inability to remember anyones name, and will go through a dozen random names before I get it right.

Having to be the first person to leave a footprint in fresh snow.

No matter how daft it looks, if there is a pile of leaves you must kick it.

You must try to cheat badly at monopoly or cards and just giggle when caught out

From my dad.........lumbago, gee thanks
(Fri 1st May 2009, 0:16, More)

» Wanking Disasters Part II

the first time
That an ex of mine and me got comfortable enough to watch each other pleasing ourselves.
He managed to shoot his stuff right up my nose.
It stung rather strangely , I sort of hiccuped and it went down the back of my nose and into my throat.
I threw up
Definitely a disaster
(Sat 19th Feb 2011, 1:33, More)