» God

Good deed
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?
"He said, "Yes.
I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "DIE, HERETIC SCUM!," and pushed him off.
(Tue 24th Mar 2009, 21:06, More)

» Eccentrics

Hey, leave those teachers alone!
As a former member of the teaching profession I feel I have to defend my slightly off-beat brethren (and sistren). If we teachers are eccentric it's usually as a reaction to the even madder kids we have to teach. As examples these are ones that I've had the dubious pleasure of "edumacating" as they say.

- The boy who lets out farts like Beelzebub on vindaloo EVERY lesson then insists on dropping his trousers to show everyone that his arse is clean.

- The quiet kid who on being asked to write some of the effects of drinking simply wrote the word DIE. Over and over again, all over 3 pages.

- The fat girl who beats up the boys and then cries that they don't like her.

- One kid on being asked to bring in an example of a fungus brought an excellent specimen, unfortunatley it was attached to a dead rat. He said he had it in his room and was "studying" it.

- The smelly kid (there's always one in a class) who's addicted to chiken wings and ate them at break every day. He goes batshit loony if they run out so the dinner ladies saved some for him in the end.

- One boy (about 13-14) came up to me in the first week and said that he'd decided he was going to call me "dad", and he did for the next 6 months.

I have more and these are all in comprehensive schools so they don't even have the excuse of being mongs.
Oh and don't even get me started on the cluless shmucktards that are the parents. /endrant.

Phew. I wonder why I left?
(Fri 31st Oct 2008, 18:26, More)

» Puns

A japanese man
is playing golf in Edinburgh and on the 18th hole meets another japanese golfer. They introduce themselves and start talking.

"Where abouts are you from?" asks the first man.

"Tokyo" replies the other

"Really? Me too. Which district?"

"Shinjuku distict" replies the other man

"Amazing, that's where I'm from. Where do you work?" asks the first man.

"I work for the Tokyo Sewage and Sanitation Service" says the second man.

"I don't believe it" says the first man "I've worked for Tokyo Sewage and Sanitation for twenty years, how is it that we never met?"

"I guess we're just a couple of nips that passed in the shite"

/coat
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 16:37, More)

» Faking it

Best break up ever
/delurk
First time, be gentle.

I had somehow managed to blag myself a middle management job in a semi-prestigous organisation. I had zero experience but I expected to pick it up as I went along. After 6 months of floundering in the proverbial creek I had a huge backlog (no pun intended) and the busy xmas period was looming.

What to do? Own up?, quit?, pray for a freak tornado to empty my in tray? No I faked a break up with my long time girlfriend.

I got chummy with the office gossip and started to fill her with tearful tales of my impending heart break. In 2 weeks I managed to go from 'we had a bit of a tiff' to 'she's moved out and is living with a biker'.

The news got around the (mainly female) office and I got tons of sympathy. Ofcourse they could understand why I couldn't concentrate on work and would gladly help by taking some off my hands while I picked up the pieces of my shattered life.

I got through xmas, got a small bonus for all the work I'd done and then legged it 3 months later before anyone could meet my (still current) girlfriend.

Hull is to good for me.

~POP!~

Length? about a year of lurking.
(Tue 15th Jul 2008, 20:32, More)

» Sexual fetishes

Cham-pag-knee
After celebrating our finals, my ex told me that she'd always wanted to pour champagne over me and then suck it off as it dripped down my rigid cyclops, a not inconsiderable journey by my reckoning. Luckily we happened to have a few bottles of Dom Perignon 1965 (could have been Babycham) left from the party and so we decided to try it.

We considered doing it in our 3ft long bath tub, but rejected it as not giving the right ambiance. The kitchen was a mess with the added risk of late night wandering by flatmates and so that just left the bedroom. As impulsive and hedonistic as we were, neither of us liked the idea of sleeping on a soaking wet, alcohol fumed bed so we scaled it down a bit.

Instead of splashing it over me we got a glass and she trickled a small amount of bubbly down me from my belly button and licked it of (which was nice). Then I had a brain wave, I could just dip my member in the glass and then quickly transfer it to her greedy lips, thus saving time and our sheets.

So I gallantly took the glass and wrestled my turgid snake into the champagne, whilst she knelt in front of me expectantly.

Our eyes met and I let out a HUGE scream, then kneed her in the face. Turns out that my urethra is actually quite sensitive to any alcohol and bubbles that pass through it in the wrong direction. In short - my dick was on fire.

I ran past the stricken girl and towards the bathroom, past some onlookers that had been attracted by my banshee like screams and quickly tried to put some cold water onto my suffering and rapidly deflating old boy.

She got a bruise that lasted a fortnight. We never tried it again
(Thu 22nd Oct 2009, 22:06, More)