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» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You
I'm afraid it's overdue, sir
When I was 16 I went along to a jazz / blues jam night that's legendary around the parts I live, and when suitably lubricated plonked myself down next the the pianist and started up a duet. A couple of hours later, pissed, he said "you're brilliant, and I'm a piano teacher - I'll teach you for free".
Being an opportunist, I called him and asked for my first free lesson, and reluctantly he agreed.
After a few months, the lessons were turning into all day sessions - a spot of piano, drinking tea, smoking weed, discussing quantum theory, etc. - and we fell in love. It was a meeting of minds - he was my *soulmate*.
We eventually had 'THE CHAT' and he admitted that yes, he felt the same, but was worried about my age. When I turned 17, he decided it was vaguely respectable (he was 31) and we got it together with a very steamy kiss.
Imagine my disappointment when we had our first night together and discovered he couldn't perform!!
This went on for long enough for it to become apparent that he was impotent. Whether it was the copious amount of drugs he smoked or the fact he was harbouring guilt about the age difference, nothing changed the fact that any erection he could muster soon ran away when it came time to do the deed.
Miraculously, despite never having consummated our relationship, I got pregnant - close contact and pre-ejaculatory fluid and all that.
Bastard.
And then we had our first great fuck!
After some agonising, I had an abortion, and lo and behond the impotence returned. We tried everything - nurses uniforms, sexy lingerie, pr0n, the lot - and finally, we found something that worked for him. The librarian.
If I put my hair in a bun and dressed demurely in tweeds and blouse over some nice underwear, he could manage a decent session.
After a couple of years, this started giving me serious issues - the ONLY thing that could give him a hard on was the librarian outfit. I'm fairly easy on the eye and have a good figure - you know, tiny waist, big tits, not a spot of cellulite - but started thinking it *must* be me in my youth and naivety.
Needless to say I took what was left of my self esteem and bailed out finally after 3 years.
Only to find myself a few months later in another disastrous relationship where my boyfriend wouldn't sleep with me. The reason became clear when I found a bottle proclaiming itself as WARTEX - FOR THE TREATMENT OF GENITAL WARTS! yet the fella still tried to deny that he had anything wrong with him - instead claiming that I gave him issues - was 'too much like a porn star'. There went another one.
The next fella I started a relationship with also turned out to have some weird aversion to sex - he'd sit up all night watching porn, but wouldn't do the real thing. Again, I tried my best - did the outfits, tried to satisfy any whim - but unless it was wanking over porn, he couldn't perform. Over time coming home to find him in the front room tugging his todger began to grate, and I told him I was going to leave.
He begged me to stay, and then suggested that the answer to all our problems would be to go to a swingers club. If I recall correctly, I told him that I wanted to have sex with HIM, not watch him shagging some saggy old swinger and that it really wasn't going to happen.
We'd bought a house by this point, but I bit the bullet and called it a day after a happy evening giggling myself stupid as he followed a trannie round a club with his tongue hanging out. The trannie was a bit freaked out, bless.
Finally, a while later I joined a band and at the invitation of one of the members, went out and got smashed on his coke which is something that I would never usually take and never will again, blacked out, and came round in a very comprimising position with him the next morning.
My angst over my out of control behaviour brought me very close to his best friend (also in the band), and we've been together ever since.
He has the decency to give me a good seeing to every night - despite the fact that we only got together after I did the deed with his now ex- best mate. Ouch. I still feel bad about that.
Any of that mad enough for you?
(Fri 13th Apr 2007, 20:10, More)
I'm afraid it's overdue, sir
When I was 16 I went along to a jazz / blues jam night that's legendary around the parts I live, and when suitably lubricated plonked myself down next the the pianist and started up a duet. A couple of hours later, pissed, he said "you're brilliant, and I'm a piano teacher - I'll teach you for free".
Being an opportunist, I called him and asked for my first free lesson, and reluctantly he agreed.
After a few months, the lessons were turning into all day sessions - a spot of piano, drinking tea, smoking weed, discussing quantum theory, etc. - and we fell in love. It was a meeting of minds - he was my *soulmate*.
We eventually had 'THE CHAT' and he admitted that yes, he felt the same, but was worried about my age. When I turned 17, he decided it was vaguely respectable (he was 31) and we got it together with a very steamy kiss.
Imagine my disappointment when we had our first night together and discovered he couldn't perform!!
This went on for long enough for it to become apparent that he was impotent. Whether it was the copious amount of drugs he smoked or the fact he was harbouring guilt about the age difference, nothing changed the fact that any erection he could muster soon ran away when it came time to do the deed.
Miraculously, despite never having consummated our relationship, I got pregnant - close contact and pre-ejaculatory fluid and all that.
Bastard.
And then we had our first great fuck!
After some agonising, I had an abortion, and lo and behond the impotence returned. We tried everything - nurses uniforms, sexy lingerie, pr0n, the lot - and finally, we found something that worked for him. The librarian.
If I put my hair in a bun and dressed demurely in tweeds and blouse over some nice underwear, he could manage a decent session.
After a couple of years, this started giving me serious issues - the ONLY thing that could give him a hard on was the librarian outfit. I'm fairly easy on the eye and have a good figure - you know, tiny waist, big tits, not a spot of cellulite - but started thinking it *must* be me in my youth and naivety.
Needless to say I took what was left of my self esteem and bailed out finally after 3 years.
Only to find myself a few months later in another disastrous relationship where my boyfriend wouldn't sleep with me. The reason became clear when I found a bottle proclaiming itself as WARTEX - FOR THE TREATMENT OF GENITAL WARTS! yet the fella still tried to deny that he had anything wrong with him - instead claiming that I gave him issues - was 'too much like a porn star'. There went another one.
The next fella I started a relationship with also turned out to have some weird aversion to sex - he'd sit up all night watching porn, but wouldn't do the real thing. Again, I tried my best - did the outfits, tried to satisfy any whim - but unless it was wanking over porn, he couldn't perform. Over time coming home to find him in the front room tugging his todger began to grate, and I told him I was going to leave.
He begged me to stay, and then suggested that the answer to all our problems would be to go to a swingers club. If I recall correctly, I told him that I wanted to have sex with HIM, not watch him shagging some saggy old swinger and that it really wasn't going to happen.
We'd bought a house by this point, but I bit the bullet and called it a day after a happy evening giggling myself stupid as he followed a trannie round a club with his tongue hanging out. The trannie was a bit freaked out, bless.
Finally, a while later I joined a band and at the invitation of one of the members, went out and got smashed on his coke which is something that I would never usually take and never will again, blacked out, and came round in a very comprimising position with him the next morning.
My angst over my out of control behaviour brought me very close to his best friend (also in the band), and we've been together ever since.
He has the decency to give me a good seeing to every night - despite the fact that we only got together after I did the deed with his now ex- best mate. Ouch. I still feel bad about that.
Any of that mad enough for you?
(Fri 13th Apr 2007, 20:10, More)
» When I met the parents
Poo 'Joke'
It was actually the second time I'd met them, but the first time I'd been invited round to theirs for Sunday dinner.
All was very nice, but felt very much like a BIG THING so I was relieved that my fella's sister was around to provide some comic relief by taking the piss out of their parents for 'showing off' - 'Ha! What you bothering with napkins for Dad?' - that kind of thing.
Anyway, after the meal we headed into the living room where Dad immediately hands me the photo albums - bonus!
Both parents wandered off to tidy up whilst my fella, his sister and I looked through pics of them as little children. We came to a picture of him wearing a top with a big 2 on it. We'd been taking the piss out of most of the pictures we'd seen, so I said in my most stupid, childlike voice, 'Number 2, like a poo' and he and his sister collapsed into giggles, and set me off too, which would have been fine had their father not come back into the room at that point, wanting to know what he'd missed.
My fella tried to brush it off with 'oh, Kitty made a poo joke' but when Dad said, 'Oh, go on then...' and demanded it was explained to him, I quickly stopped being amused and my face froze in abject horror and went a marvellous purple as the 'joke' (which was all in the delivery) was explained.
He looked at me for a minute, then said 'oh' with a puzzled look on his face, and walked out again.
Still, I've been invited back so it can't have been that bad!
(Mon 23rd May 2005, 11:23, More)
Poo 'Joke'
It was actually the second time I'd met them, but the first time I'd been invited round to theirs for Sunday dinner.
All was very nice, but felt very much like a BIG THING so I was relieved that my fella's sister was around to provide some comic relief by taking the piss out of their parents for 'showing off' - 'Ha! What you bothering with napkins for Dad?' - that kind of thing.
Anyway, after the meal we headed into the living room where Dad immediately hands me the photo albums - bonus!
Both parents wandered off to tidy up whilst my fella, his sister and I looked through pics of them as little children. We came to a picture of him wearing a top with a big 2 on it. We'd been taking the piss out of most of the pictures we'd seen, so I said in my most stupid, childlike voice, 'Number 2, like a poo' and he and his sister collapsed into giggles, and set me off too, which would have been fine had their father not come back into the room at that point, wanting to know what he'd missed.
My fella tried to brush it off with 'oh, Kitty made a poo joke' but when Dad said, 'Oh, go on then...' and demanded it was explained to him, I quickly stopped being amused and my face froze in abject horror and went a marvellous purple as the 'joke' (which was all in the delivery) was explained.
He looked at me for a minute, then said 'oh' with a puzzled look on his face, and walked out again.
Still, I've been invited back so it can't have been that bad!
(Mon 23rd May 2005, 11:23, More)
» Impromptu Games You Play
A friend and I went on a trip...
... round the country, to visit various friends at various universities.
We invented lots of games to make it more interesting, and here are two of my favourite:
1. When we stopped at traffic lights, if there was a passer-by near enough, we'd wind down the window as if to ask for directions and then say, 'got any crisps?'
People would walk away briskly looking bemused.
2. My boyfriend said in a moment of daftness, 'I want you to ring me every time you have a burger.'
So, we did. And we made a point of having lots of burgers too :)
(Tue 30th Mar 2004, 15:32, More)
A friend and I went on a trip...
... round the country, to visit various friends at various universities.
We invented lots of games to make it more interesting, and here are two of my favourite:
1. When we stopped at traffic lights, if there was a passer-by near enough, we'd wind down the window as if to ask for directions and then say, 'got any crisps?'
People would walk away briskly looking bemused.
2. My boyfriend said in a moment of daftness, 'I want you to ring me every time you have a burger.'
So, we did. And we made a point of having lots of burgers too :)
(Tue 30th Mar 2004, 15:32, More)
» Childhood bad taste
Labyrinth
As a child watching Labyrinth, I fancied David Bowie.
Yes. Even wearing tights.
Even with a mullet.
*shame*
(Mon 13th Dec 2004, 12:20, More)
Labyrinth
As a child watching Labyrinth, I fancied David Bowie.
Yes. Even wearing tights.
Even with a mullet.
*shame*
(Mon 13th Dec 2004, 12:20, More)
» Near Death Experiences
When I was 7...
I lived in the middle of nowhere, on a farm, and used to take my BMX all over the place. My parents were really cool, but said 'NEVER GO ON THE MAIN ROAD!' and mostly I listened - there were plenty of other places to go. But eventually, I got bored of those other places, and one day, I ventured out into the road, and our lane-end was just on the brow of a blind spot. I turned to look to the right, and saw a grey car speeding towards me, coming over the brow of the blind-spot, and felt strangely calm, with 'this is it then...' going through my head. I shut my eyes....
and nothing happened. Nothing. No car, nothing.
Bah, sensible sub-conscious or what?!
(Fri 26th Nov 2004, 17:33, More)
When I was 7...
I lived in the middle of nowhere, on a farm, and used to take my BMX all over the place. My parents were really cool, but said 'NEVER GO ON THE MAIN ROAD!' and mostly I listened - there were plenty of other places to go. But eventually, I got bored of those other places, and one day, I ventured out into the road, and our lane-end was just on the brow of a blind spot. I turned to look to the right, and saw a grey car speeding towards me, coming over the brow of the blind-spot, and felt strangely calm, with 'this is it then...' going through my head. I shut my eyes....
and nothing happened. Nothing. No car, nothing.
Bah, sensible sub-conscious or what?!
(Fri 26th Nov 2004, 17:33, More)