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I have a penis
I like sex and food
I am basically a bit of a cunt


how jedi are you?
:: by lawrie malen



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» Crappy relationships

13 years we had been married
this past September.

For our wedding anniversary she gave me a bar. It was a bar that looked like a very nice cupboard, that sat in the corner nondescript, classy but not over stated but, when you opened the doors, it had 10 places to store bottles of hard booze, a 24 bottle wine rack, draws, glasses storage a few shelves and a top the folded out to make a wide serving area. To the untrained eye, you can't tell what it is (so I don't look like I have a pub in my lounge room).

For fathers day, she let the kids buy me booze (well she paid for it, directed them to the top shelf stuff and wrapped it up but, they handed it over).

She still enjoys and wants regular quality sex, she takes care of herself, she looks great, she is nice to my friends, doesn't have horrid skanks as mates. She has her own career, her own life. She supports me in more ways than one (and I hope she feels that I do the same for her).

She gives me a hard time when I am a slacker, she won't let me turn into a slob, she tells me when I am wrong and she helps me to see balance when I am on a rant.

13 years married, 2 years before dating etc, 2 kids, 3 countries, doesn't get too fired up that I think her sister is an out and out fuckwit and puts up with my cockfuck of a brother.

I am pleased to say, the magic is still well and truly strong and nowhere near gone.

So, amongst the nut cases, psychopaths, violent assholes and sad cases this week, don't give up, there are some sensational partnerships out there, and I am pleased beyond stoked that I have one. Don't settle for shit and don't give up.

A little upbeat for this weeks not so upbeat tales.

Sorry about the lack of funnies.
(Sun 24th Oct 2010, 14:51, More)

» Helicopter Parents

Gummy Mummy
Remember that time when you could have sex with school girls and not be thought a pedo, you know, before you crossed the line from teen to twenties, mmmmmmmmmmmmmm……………….

Sorry,

Anyway, back at that time when I had a delightful, soft skinned, perky breasted year 12 student, and being the mighty stud I was with over 15000 fucks to my name, and 3 of them weren’t even in the solo class, I found that her ability for knob gobbling was just not up to that standard I had come imagine. Being the sensitive 19 year old male, drunk on his own testosterone, I fucking told her so, and left her in no doubt that she either shape up or it was out on your arse. Of course not really knowing what I was talking about I couldn’t provide any instruction on what I liked or give her tips on what needed to improve (in fact despite endless informal research of blow jobs via porn films in the proceeding years, I hadn’t even figured that the girls spit on the love wand as more moisture the better, but, my naivety is story for another day).

A few days later we met up for a night of sophisticated activity (she came to my place to watch telly and drink cheap wine) which culminated in heading to the bed room for a bit horizontal folk dancing, started with the most mind bending session of dirtying her knees. Of course I wanted to know how in the space of 3 days she had developed such skills that would get a golf ball through 9 yards of hosepipe, and she told me she had asked someone who pointed her in the right direction. I was too pleased with the process to ask more questions.

The following night we had dinner her at her place. Her Dad was working but, her old girl was home. I didn’t quite know how to respond when her mum asked me directly if I had any further issue with her daughter’s “dick sucking methods”.

As soon as I had my girl her on her own, I asked what the fuck she had said to her mum.

Apparently after my ultimatum she had a sit down with her mum and dad.
She had asked if they knew about sucking cocks, which apparently they did.


She had asked “what Dad liked” ,


and her mum had showed her.


With a carrot.

If the old girl hadn’t been a 120kg, ugly as fuck, Scottish harpy I might have had a crack at the master considering the action of the student.

Still explains why her old man smiled vacantly a lot.

Length, 8 inch girth and 13 inches long, fucking huge carrot.
(Sun 13th Sep 2009, 15:22, More)

» Professions I Hate

Sports Stars
Professional sports people are the ones I find get right on my wick. These types, usually of the little to no intelligence and of no real life ability other than being able to kick or hit a ball get paid millions and squillions of Dollars, Pounds, Euros for PLAYING GAMES.

I have heard it being justified, “Oh they have to train very hard and make a lot of sacrifices”, THEY PLAY FUCKING GAMES. A woman living in war torn Africa getting raped by marauding soldiers and taking it so they don’t find her children hidden under the floor boards is making a lot of sacrifices, these cunts hang out with their mates, PLAYING FUCKING GAMES and don’t eat KFC, that isn’t a sacrifice that is a lifestyle choice.

Yet for some reason we hold these cunts up as role models and examples of all that is good in our society. Give them father of the year awards on Tuesday and Wednesday they are out with their over paid, under brained team mates hovering up great piles of cocaine, forcing them selves on women (although some don’t really seem to mind being forced on) usually in a group, cheating on their wives, abandoning their children and generally doing all the worst things you can do for society.

They don’t actually contribute anything to society other than PLAYING FUCKING GAMES for the entertainment of the masses. Doctors save lives, doctors make people lives better, sure they get paid reasonably well for what they do but, bloody hell, they do make a huge difference to people lives yet their salary is a 100th of blokes like Noberta Sola.

And finally, what about teachers? The people we trust our children’s minds to, the people who outside the family have the most amount of influence (and in many cases more influence). If we paid teachers a million pounds/dollars/euros a year, it would probably attract the best and brightest people to become teachers, rather than merchant bankers or lawyers and ensure the long term betterment of our society rather than the large number of no hopers* who can’t make it in the real world and choose to impart their mediocrity on to our kids.

It’s just fucking wrong getting paid huge money to PLAY FUCKING GAMES. Give them 20 quid a week and a free meal after the match. That is fair remuneration for what they do. Maybe then the cunts would have to get a real job Monday to Friday and the time they have for taking advantage of society would be greatly reduced.

*no offence to all of the good teachers out there.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2010, 3:47, More)

» Bad Dates

Live Porn, Mum and a Duck
I choose to start my story now.

It wasn’t the first time I had taken her out, we had been hanging around together a fair bit, had done the getting really drunk together thing, done the danced all night in a crowded night club like we where the only people in the room bit, had a lovely dirty weekend away and where just generally getting on really well.
It was time! Time for her to meet my folks and start down the transition from cool young things having a great time together to a long-term exclusive relationship. And as it would happen my Mum called me to let me know my uncle was coming to visit from Perth (in Western Australia) with my Aunty for a weekend and they where organizing some theatre tickets and would I like to come along.

“Better get me two tickets”, I said, “I’ve got someone I would like you to meet”.

The night rolled around and we all agreed to meet at a pub close to the theatre for a couple of pre-show drinks. The group had grown to include my other Aunty (Mum’s younger sister) and her husband who had arranged the tickets as well as my Mum’s slightly eccentric semi religious (read bat shit mental religious nutter) friend.

My girl friend was a pretty tolerant easygoing person but the one thing that did piss her off was people who ran late and didn’t let you know. My mum always runs late and when it comes to the rest of her family, she seems military punctual.

We (the girl and I) arrived at the appointed pub at the appointed hour and had a drink while we waited. I had given her heads up that the rest of the group would probably be late and she didn’t let it worry her. Anyway, as the hour ticks by, we had a few drinks and continued to wait and after 45 minutes had passed my Mum showed up and over the next 40 minutes the others dribbled in leaving us 5 minutes to scurry to the theatre and our seats.

The show we where seeing was called “PERFORMANCE ARTIST” by Annie Sprinkles. The name Annie Sprinkles rang a bell but, I couldn’t quite place it or why. The lights dimmed and the show started. It was a one-woman show, basically a monologue with photo’s and pictures on slides that where displayed on a big screen over the stage. It opened when the “one-woman” uttered the immortal words, “My first name was Frieda Grey” (I can’t actually remember what her first name was but, that’ll do for now), “Frieda was an introverted mousey person who liked to stay at home and didn’t have sex with anybody” and she showed a photo of a rather homely looking teenage girl type person.

“I decided I didn’t like Frieda” a few more family photo’s of a fairly normal reserved mid-west American family, with Frieda in all of the shots. “So I became Annie” followed by the full gutted rabbit wide on twat shot, definitely NSFW, “and she had sex with everyone” and from there on the show went downhill, with a rolling narrative of her friends from the 1970’s Californian porn scene (yes it was that Annie Sprinkles) with a recurring theme of what awesome happy life filled party people they had been until they died of AIDS, accompanied by a series of photo’s (it felt like 1000’s of them) of Annie and the mentioned friends engaged in one on one regular sex, two on one advanced rutting , three on one it’s getting silly porking, how fricken many where in that one screwing, 2 cocks in one Annie arse, 4 cocks cumming on her face, some dirty bastard shitting on her tits and rubbing it on her face and then some shots of stuff they won’t let you show on illegal Cambodian internet sites. People where going white around us, the sound of retching was happening, if her intent had been to shock people, she had achieved it and passed it like Ferrari at full speed passing two old men in a Dobbin the horse suit pulling a fully laden cement truck up a steep hill.

And I was seeing all of this, in the company of my mum, and my Aunties and my new girl friend.

Then Annie told us her third name “Sunny Moonlight Radiance” or some such hippie bullshit, and apparently Sunny Moonlight Radiance only has sex with women. I near dived under my seat at that point.
What ever the first part of Sunny Moonlight Radiance went on about I don’t remember exactly but it did involve talk of lesbians and dildos and crumpet munching and the next part is still very clear in my mind. The show culminated with Frieda/Annie/Sunny stripped naked on stage, painting her face and body with her menstrual blood, which she had conveniently saved in a jar, and handing out home made maracas made from two plastic coffee cups sticky taped together with rice inside to the audience for us to shake to a hypnotic rhythm while she swayed and gyrated to an almost hands free screaming orgasm on stage, she then invited those wished to come forward and bathe in the ambiance of her orgasm and the show came to an end.

Looking around, my Mum, had eye’s like saucers, my Aunty who arranged the tickets was making excuses that she thought it was a show about a painter and had no idea, my Uncle (who was actually a Doctor) was looking positively ill and my other Aunty and Uncle, where missing in action. Apparently, my Aunty who had come across from Perth couldn’t take anymore at one stage during the show and had run from the room and my Uncle (not her hubby but, married to the one who bought the tickets) had followed her out to make sure she was ok (aka ran like a frightened child). My girl friend was seeing the funny side of things and was laughing that she couldn’t believe I had to sit through that with my Mum and was proud of me for not running from the room also.

To end the night, we decided to grab a late night super in China Town. My Uncle’s favorite Chinese restaurant was in walking distance, so we headed in and got a big table. To make things easy, he ordered a Peking Duck for the table as it is an easy to share type of meal. My new girl friend piped up, that she didn’t eat duck. This wasn’t for any health or taste reason. It was on moral grounds, she had had a pet duck as a child, that she loved very much and didn’t want to eat them. But, she didn’t object to others eating duck and wasn’t that hungry so would wait for the main course.

The Duck skin in pancakes, with the shallots, cucumber and Hoisin sauce was delicious and when the San Choy Bou came out, we all tucked in, including the girl friend. What she hadn’t realized was that the San Choy Bou was made using the duck meat (the first course only used the skin). It was only after she had stated how tasty she found it, that my Uncle suggested she might have to revise her moratorium on eating duck.

And thus, the date was ruined when my family tricked my new girlfriend into eating duck meat.


TLDR: Introduces new girl friend to mum, makes her watch live porn and force feeds her duck
(Mon 21st Oct 2013, 5:17, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Slapstick with Honda Accords
Several years ago I took a few days break to visit Byron Bay on the North Coast of New South Wales. As the sun was setting I was sitting down near the beach when some young, what would described in Britain as Chavs but what we would refer to in Oz as scum bags where playing a game of car jumping in the beach front car park.

For the uninformed this involves someone driving the car at a reasonable pace, around 20 or 30 km/h, in a straight line while someone runs at the car head on, jumps on to the bonnet, then the roof, then the boot and off the back.

I will admit that some of these guys weren't too bad at the pointless game.

There was one young bloke, the loudest, wankiest, pants around his knees, wearing jeans on a 35 degree day, pathetic haircut, young fuck knuckle of the group and he was up for his turn.

Although I can't actually remember it lets say for the sake of the story it was a poo brown Honda Accord, and quite possibly driven by Mr. T and as had happened a dozen or so times before, the aforementioned greatest disappointment possible from an orgasm, started his run towards the car, and as he took his first leap on to the bonnet got tangled in his own pants causing him to stuff up the take off and have his legs swept from under him and subsequently upended by the Honda, bounced off the roof head first and landed in a crumpled heap behind the car.

A complete totach!

Oh, how I laughed. As I trotted over to take a closer look at the fallen dick head, who was bleeding from his face, but, not in the copious amounts one would expect, that I saw his leg. Most legs run up and down from the hip to foot but, this leg now had a 90 degree bend at the knee, sideways. I almost wet my pants from laughter.

I think one of his vacant compatriots summed the situation up best when he said as his mate lay there possibly about to die,

"fuck man, I wish I had videoed that"

edit: updated to include modern B3TA lingo
(Fri 22nd Jan 2010, 9:21, More)
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