» The Credit Crunch

doesn't affect me really!
it's not like I go out much....
(Tue 27th Jan 2009, 13:39, More)

» Good Advice

Never play outside!
I learned this great titbit along with other such pearls of wisdom like

never answer a knocking door
never sneeze
anything above a whisper is dangerous

I also found out that there's a lot you can actually do to keep yourself entertained whilst sitting in the loft, I took up writing!
(Thu 20th May 2010, 13:08, More)

» Lies that went on too long

it's been almost 70 years.....
I didn't die, I just moved to somewhere less German
(Fri 9th Mar 2012, 8:25, More)

» Neighbours

Things that go "cough" in the night.....
Our house is a new build, so the walls aren't as thick as some 1800s townhouse, but they're not made of paper like the kind of walls you find in shoddy flats. Anyway.. I digress...

At night, our house gets very quiet, silent even! So silent it's possible to hear a mouse trying to stifle a fart!

Not long after moving in, we'd just had a quickie before bed and were settling into bed for a nice night's sleep. Then we heard a banging start up... odd noise given that it's midnight but we listened thinking "What the hell is going on next door???" At first I thought they had decided to start making IKEA furniture at fucking midnight!! Seriously, this sounded like Peter Sutcliffe had just brought a bird home!!!

We promptly figured out that next door's headboard was against the adjoining wall. Now... this would not be a problem normally, but we're trying to get to sleep and we hear her moaning start up as she's clearly getting closer and closer to orgasm... "OH YEAH!! OH YEAH!!!" et al... I'm thinking "Result.... it's not just in porn where women sound like that!" but it ended abruptly....

Cue the following sequence of sounds:

*coughing sounds* ("ahem ahem ahem")
*footsteps*
*lightswitch*
*flush*
*lightswitch*
*silence*

this happened quite a few times until we realised that the coughing sound was him blowing his stack into her. Now I've NEVER known another person to cough as he came. I don't know if it's medical but all kinds of wrong images appeared in our minds when I thought of him taking a military medical and the doctor holding his balls asking him to cough - would he make the doctor's coat whiter than white I wondered (like I said... all kinds of wrong imagery!)

We weren't too bothered when they moved out, purely because we weren't looking forward to the winter coming around and spending each night asking each other whether he had asthma, flu, or had just knocked out another load into/onto his mrs.

The thing that made me laugh the most was one time my gf stood next to the wall listening for a minute (remember I said that the house becomes VERY silent...) heard the tell-tale coughing and said "Well that didn't last long, I'd be demanding another go!" and we heard a female giggle straight afterwards. Needless to say, our neighbour avoided all eye contact with my gf for two weeks after that.

The new lot are better though, they moved the headboard away from the wall but we can still hear her sometimes as she approaches orgasm. But it's better for our sex life given that we've been known to start having sex just after hearing their bed creaking in some sordid competition of "Who can last longer and scream loudest" (and then we see them the next morning as we're all walking to the train station to go to work....)

Length??? I don't suffer premature ejaculation like neighbour no.1 but I think the longest we'd time the hammering sound was 42 seconds.... poor boy, no wonder he coughed to hide his embarrassment!
(Thu 1st Oct 2009, 13:31, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Who needs mediums anymore? they have mobiles up "there" you know....
A while ago my friend had Yoda as a text tone saying "mmmmmm message from the Dark Side you have!" so being a Star Wars geek, naturally I got him to bluetooth it to me! Because it sounded cool, clearly not for it's ability to impress the laydeez (unless they're 5'1, fat, green and have 6 tits, but that's enough talk about Sharon Matthews & her clan)

My auntie Pat died (collective "awwwww" anyone?) and a few days after the funeral, Yoda chirps up from my pocket - I almost shat myself when I read the following:

"Auntie Pat - Just to let you all know, this is my new number! Hope you're all ok"

I'm not superstitious by any means, but this was a first when it comes to communicating with the dead.... I was going to ask whether her service provider was hal-o2, but simply sent a "Hi, I'm fine, who are you?" reply back to the text from my deceased auntie.... turns out her family had gone round to clear up the house, and my cousin had found her mobile and decided to nab it - he'd left his name off the message!

apologies for length, I was only aiming for 160 characters!
(Fri 31st Jul 2009, 7:15, More)