» Tramps


My mate is disabled, and as such, has to use a wheelchair.

He was due to get married to a lovely lass, so as such, it was my responsbility to throw a stag party.

Considering he lives in Yorkshire, it was a bit of a trek for the rest of us who lived in London; but he's a good lad so it was no bother.

My reckoning was that we would have a nice quiet drink in a pub, and then head along to a strip joint.

However, I rang the strip joint to check if they had disabled access; and they didn't. No problem I thought, we'll just carry him up the steps. We might have had a few beers in us by then, but we're big lads so it wouldn't be a huge problem.

Not being a local, I called a pub in the town centre as well; just to cover my bases:
"Red Lion."
"Yes, hi. I'm arranging a stag do for my mate, and we're probably going to have a drink in a pub before anything more adventurous. Only problem is, he's disabled."
"Oh that's no problem."
"Great! So you have disabled access?"
"Yeah, he can just use t'ramps."

/coat
(Thu 2nd Jul 2009, 19:40, More)

» Buses

The delights of Croydon
If you have been out and about in South London, most notably Croydon, you will be aware of the fact that you take your life into your hands when you step onto some Croydon buses.

One such day, I got onto a bus and sat upstairs. I heard some commotion downstairs, and we weren't moving. I thought it was just the normality of someone shouting at the bus driver so I stayed put. After 5-10 minutes had passed, I decided to be nosy and go downstairs.

I was greeted with the sight of a shaken young lady who had been covered with Fanta by a couple of resident chavs, who had since legged it off the bus.

She claimed to have been so shaken because she thought at first that it was acid. A slight over-reaction I thought, but it turned out that she had a baby with her; so I could just about understand her alarm. It was then made clear that the woman had called the police, which would delay the bus for a further 10-20 minutes because the bus driver was a witness.

Being the lazy bastard that I am, I decided to stay on the bus sitting at the back. There were two old ladies in the seats in front of me, talking quite loudly about how angry they were that the bus wouldn't be moving for a little while longer. This carried on for the whole while, and they even persisted when the police officers were taking statements.

To my surprise, one of the police officers (A very tall bloke) started talking to the old ladies like they were little girls; saying that "It's because of people like you that the country's in the state it's in". The old ladies didn't say a word after that.

It was quite surreal.

On another note, I've had a glass bottle thrown out of the top floor of a bus by some chavs at me, which literally missed me by inches.

Croydon's great.
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 14:14, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Oh Boy, this is going to be a long list
Moaning comes naturally to me, and coupled with my picky nature, this results in me failing to like many popular things. Here we go......

Lee Evans: Reminds me of Norman Wisdom, but far more annoying. Seems to just flail his limbs and talk in funny voices. About as funny as a train wreck to me. (Although he was ok in 'Theres Something About Mary')

'Normal' Porn: Watching another man enthusiastically thrust into a whoreish woman turns me on about as much as a banana sandwich. To make matters worse, seeing the man's enormous schlong turns me off even more.

Hot, Spicy Food: I am a food lover. I am also a curry lover. However, too many people in this country assume that curries are all about how hot they are. Not true. I eat curry that has an interesting and tasty mix of spices, not curries that will burn all of the taste-buds off of my tongue.

Clubs: Crap music. High prices. Chavvy young people. Utter shit.

Harry Potter: I have no qualms about kids loving the bespectacled twat, but adults who claim that Harry Potter is 24-carat gold dropping out of JK Rowling's arse should read a truly great book.

I won't write a lot about anything else, but I will list other popular things that I just don't get:

Rap, Mushrooms, Doctor Who, X-Factor, Little Britain, Cricket, Soup, Baseball Caps, Lily Allen, Vodka, FPS Games, the Halo series, Radio 1, Techno, Anime, Desperate Housewives, iPhones, McDonalds.
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 21:18, More)

» That's me on TV!

I've had a couple of forays into TV and Radio
I featured in one of the quizzes that Chris Tarrant used to do on Capital. I was absolutely petrified for some reason, and as a result, I didn't do very well.

I've also appeared on 1 vs 100, when I got down to the final 5 but I was caught out by a bastard of a question.

At the audition, in an attempt to make myself stand out from the crowd so that I had a better chance of getting onto the show, I sang "I don't like Mondays" in a room full of people in front of a camera because I told one of the interviewers that I'm a good singer.

Incidentally, Dermot O'Leary is a very nice chap.
(Wed 17th Jun 2009, 22:48, More)

» I'm your biggest Fan

Ol Flo
When I was younger (About 9/10- ish), my best friend was a rather religious type; with a rather religious family.

I've never been overly religious myself, but I was invited to come to a 'festival' by my best friend's family. Unbeknownst to me, it was a Christian festival; with a few game stalls and stuff thrown in.

I was utterly bored for the whole day; but at least I got to meet Floella Benjamin and get her autograph.

Apparently I was also held as a baby by some bloke from London's Burning.

Every cloud.
(Fri 17th Apr 2009, 14:12, More)