There we go...

WOO! thanks for the FP! first one for me!

(Sun 12th Feb 2012, 14:59, More)

» Meeting people from the internet

I've met 3 women from the interwebs... that fell in love with me.
Now I must say, It's been years since I met someone from the internets, But about 10/15 years ago just on the cusp of broadband I used to spend a lot of time on a website that has now gone called "the great British quiz" the site was basically a rolling chat room that started on irc (the good old days) that a bot asked questions and it was really only a feat of memory rather than knowledge as there was only about 200 questions on the thing.

It seem to be very well populated by bored middle aged house wives, In between rounds there would be general chatting and I seemed to get singled out by the girls there as being "a nice guy" mainly because 2 lines into a private chat most of the blokes would come out with "what are you wearing" and be furiously masturbating whilst informing said women about it.

The first Woman was 32 (I was about 19) who didn't live too far from me and was married, we arranged to meet for a coffee just to put a face to the name. After about 4 pints (as the coffee was in a pub) she turned and told me that I was one of the nicest people she has talked to on the internet and she had fallen in love with me! Panic ensued as back then I had morals and thought I could never break up a "happy" marriage I made my excuses and left as soon as possible.

Then a few months later I was chatting to another woman, this one lived dahn sarff in Woking (about 200 miles from me) we exchanged phone numbers and used to chat of an evening whilst on the quiz. Three weeks into these phone calls she decided she was going to come up to Warrington to stay for a weekend to meet me. she said on her last day here "I've been to the park thinking.... I think I have fallen in love with you" Again panic, this time including sheer terror as she informed me that people might not approve as of the age difference as she was 48!!! And strangely enough (and if not to prove how old she is) she worked on the launch of the first ATM in the UK and those shots of Reg Varney using the machine, she can be seen stood next to the manager. Again I made my excuses and she was another one added to my block list.

About 8 months later I started chatting to a woman in Manchester who was confiding in me about her deeply unhappy marriage and home life. We arranged to meet in Manchester. Upon arriving she told me that she had fallen for me and wanted me to whisk her away from her dull life and that she had booked a hotel for us for the weekend. my strong moral streak went out of the window as she was stunning and I wanted to get my nuts. After we went our separate ways she would phone me every day (2 or 3 times a day) Telling me how she was unhappy and was leaving her husband. I ended up talking to her for years (and still do now). She ended up leaving him about 2 years later and I had a bit of a relationship with her. Bit awkward as her eldest daughter was only 2 years younger than me. One drunken night she took the knock and went to bed leaving me chatting with her eldest who then made a pass at me. ABSOLUTE PANIC SET IN! so I scuttled off to bed. I confessed all in the morning and she was ok with it (little dance in my head as I thought "YES! I get the mother/daughter thing here") A blazing row ensued between them. The next day it continued which ended up with her daughter storming out and moving into her dads. Then two weeks later her 17 year old daughter pulled the same move. It was at this point I called it a day deciding that there was some kind of strange emotional damage running through the entire family.

Since then I have sworn 2 things.

1: Don't be too nice and listen to peoples problems on the interweb as they take general politeness as a deep connection and are generally starved of affection to be telling a complete stranger about their issues.

2: When chatting to a woman for the first time in a private chat, To get my cock out and ask them what they're wearing!
(Tue 25th Oct 2011, 2:39, More)

» PE Lessons

I smacked my PE teacher with a rake!
I was a "tubby" child (and tubby adult too) so a lot of the times i had a note to get out of PE, as i couldnt even run round ONE football field without being humilliated so the thoughts of being forced round 5 filled me with dread (as that was the WARM UP), So one week when it was an olympics time they where doing long jumps and i got roped in to rake the sand over, after about 7/8 jumpers i got told my raking was not up to parr so the PE teacher took the rake from me and enthusiasticly showed me how to do it, after 3/4 rakes he handed me back the rake saying "thats how you do it you big tub of lard" now im not a violent person, infact i took more beatings than i should have being my hight and build at school, but i would back out of confrontation, today however the sound of everyone laughing at me sent my blood boiling, so after the next jumper he looked at me told me to use the rake.... i swung back as hard as i could and swung with all my might clean across his face, untill that moment i never knew you could literally knock someone out cold... but when he hit the floor in a heap he was snoaring and rolling his eyes, pandemonium then let loose as i just sat down and laughed, next thing i know im in the headmasters office.... with a rather brused P.E. teacher stood behind me, I explained the situation and how he had publicly humiliated me, then pointed out that it was bullying from the staff (i was way too savy for my age) I got told to go away and come back in the next day, so i appeared, halfway through my second lesson i got pulled out and took to the headmasters office, There i was given a rather poulty and begrudged appology from my P.E. teacher... my headmaster said "I think we can call an end to this" to which i replied "no, I don't think so... you see, he publicly humiliated me, and i have now been took away to a quiet corner whilst he admits fault, i want a public apology, say in assembely..." there was a silence, then a comment from my headmaster "i think your asking too much, after all you attacked one of my staff"
so i said "yes, only after severe provocation, should we see what the education authority has to say about that?"
More silence continued,

anyway, 3 days went by and on the thursday i was PUBLICLY appologised to by my PE teacher in assembely... for some funny reason, he left that year! no idea why as he was bragging that he would be head of PE the next year!
(Wed 25th Nov 2009, 0:36, More)

» Down on the Farm

When I was about 18/19
There was a group of us student types who where drinking on the edge of a field when a cow happened over.
Of course the idea of cow tipping came up but as the cow was awake most of us insisted that the cow would counter balance the shove and just give us a nasty bovine glare.
One of the lads who was known for bragging and doing retarded things (e.g. sitting in the canteen merrily smoking a candle) announced that he was going to "knock the cow out with one punch"
Long story short, he got licked in the face and broke his hand.... he was a cunt and everyone was happy about it. (The broken hand not the cow punching)
And that cow went on to play for Chelsea... happy endings all round.
(Tue 29th May 2012, 11:33, More)

» Ouch!

I have no feeling in my middle finger......
Aboot 4 years ago I was having an argument with my ex, A tiny wee thing, she was only 10 stone and 5 foot 4, and i'm a big man and stand at 6 foot 4, anyway.... during a rather drunken argument she punched me on the nose spraying blood all down my shirt, i responded by bending down and saying "is it my turn to hit you now?"
She then grabbed me by the throat and under my arm digging her nails into my right bingo wing.
As i felt her nails meet through my flabby under arm and blood trickling from my nose and now my arm flap she started to push me backwards, my right arm was in the air as i was trying to pull it away from her as she pushed me by the throat allowing me to land on a toy box with my hand ever so gently exiting the building through a closed window....
I clambered back up looking at the gaping wound on my hand stretching from the tip of my middle finger to the top of the first knuckle, I found it incredible that i could see the knuckle and watch my tendants and stuff move my finger.
My ex then screamed "oh great, look what you've done now, the windows smashed and there is blood everywhere!"
so being the gentleman i gently flicked my hand in her general direction spraying blood all over her face, then I left for the hospital, (luckily the hospital was only across the road)
End result was about 7 stitches to hold my finger together and the nerves where severed in the middle of my finger (which is strange because if i knock the middle of my finger where the nerves where severed it feels like im pushing my finger down!

my fingers are sore now, and i can't spell! pluss grammor needs on working.
(Sun 1st Aug 2010, 23:24, More)

» The Dark

A rainy awkeininginisation
Forgive me, am a tad stoned so this might not make much spanner!

Anyway, in College my lecturer was turning 30 and invited us all out to his MASSIVE place in Liverpool a nd about 20/30 of us showed up, after a LONG drinking and smoking session mien host said "fuck it, im off to bed just sleep where you want" so i curled up infront of his lovely warm fire thinking that i would be toasty warm all night..... a few hours of snoaring passed when all of a sudden, my cheek was dripped on, i rubbed it off, then my ear was more wet, more drippage than before, my eyes adhusting to the low light and flickering firelight where astonished to find my lecturer stood above me, cock in hand pissing over my head into the fire in an attempt to calm the fire down before he went to bed! I angrilly told hom that i was infront of the fire and after my impromptue golden shower i would continue to be so, so if theres a fire imergancy I will be hte first to know... "now fuck off and pee outside" so he did right out of the front door..... morning came, no sign of our graceous host.... 11 came, still no sign, Fuck it we all thought lets just get to college, make sure this is locked up, he might have had an early start.
ER arrived for our stupidly early 1pm lesson.... to an empty room, half an hour passed of wonderment, was he dead? was he still out drinking? had he gotten lost and was now in a hole placing lotion int the basket? NOPE the door flug open a deschevlled lecturer bounded in, rather stinking of stale beer and piss..... Turns out he took my advise of going outside a little too heart.... stargard next door to the lovely couple peeked through theeir letterbox, then naturally shoved his cock in and peed all over thier carpet, All in FULL view of a police car parked not 20 yards awy visiting a kebab house!
(Mon 27th Jul 2009, 2:03, More)