» Mobile phone disasters

Phones are for wankers
I bought my latest phone on eBay, I normally do this as you can blag a decent, if a bit dated, phone cheap due to people getting upgrades on their contracts.

Anyway, I bought this sweet samsung thing that had a nice camera, internet connection, bluetooth AND it even let you ring people off it. The phone arrived swiftly, positive feedback both ways, everybody's happy.... until... I'm bored, i'm looking through the games on the phone
Menu: my files: games & more:
"oooh... " i think to myself "freekick, that looks fun... cannonball, i'll give that a go, Masturbator Pro, i've not heard of that... HANG ON. MASTURBATOR FUCKING PRO?!"

I open the file, curious, scared. The icon is a picture of a bunny rabbit, the 'game' opens, it's a choice of different vibration patterns: random, pulses, continuous.

I'd bought a phone that a woman had been using to frig with. I was not happy, I sniffed the phone but it didn't smell too 'used'.

Eventually I got over this trauma, I was looking through the calendar option which it seems the previous owner had used to log her peroids.

23rd June 08
Got some blood on jeans, pissed off.

24th june 08
Very heavy, it really hurts

Etc etc

Lesson: Don't buy second hand phones.
(Thu 30th Jul 2009, 17:22, More)

» Amazing Projects

Hardly a project but unfolding as we speak
My 18 year old brother and a few friends are currently on a coach on their way to Amsterdam. All of them are quite big fans of the 'erb. They're on the coach with about 30 other lads (I'm assuming some student arranged thing)

I've just mocked this up in paint, took a photo of my laptop screen and sent it to all them. They're fucking fuming to say the least, my brother text me and I've explained it's because of the "Euro zone crisis".




They'll find out the truth in a minute but it's all good fun for me.

(I know it's awfully done but as you can imagine, on a small phone screen it looks legit)

edit: got rid of my bloody postcode
(Thu 17th Nov 2011, 20:02, More)

» Wanking Disasters Part II

Cramp
I was young - I can't place my age, whenever you first discover wanking - and was have a 5 knuckle shuffle after perfecting the art for the previous 2 weeks.

As I got into it I'd somehow managed to tangle my foot in the end of the bed, one of them annoying metal framed beds with entwining bars. I was reaching the point of no return when suddenly my foot had become so stuck I got the most awful cramp I've ever had, I screamed but was still somehow using my early teen determination to continue my mission, the cramp got worse and went from just my calf to into my thigh.

I yanked my leg out whilst STILL carrying on but the momentum threw me off the side of the bed, I fell onto my drum kit (anybody who owns a kit will know there are loads of metal pointy bits sticking out) and created a massive gash - not the good kind of gash - across my forehead.

I still came.

It was awkward trying to think of an excuse as to why I had blood streaming from my head when my family burst into my room about 30 seconds later.
(Fri 18th Feb 2011, 12:08, More)

» Caught!

The Park
I was at the park with a few mates when I was about 13. The park we were at is fairly big and we were playing football on a field that has a road next to it, everything is surrounded by trees so the road is secluded.

So there we are, happily having a kickabout, all the clichés were there, hot summers day, jumpers for goalposts etc.

We notice that out of the four or five parked cars on the road one still has people in it, as I run to fetch the ball after a horribly scuffed shot I can see into the car and notice that there is a lad with his ladyfriend bent over, she was sort of slumped over the dashboard and he'd kindly taken the time to fold the seats down to gain himself easier access to her 'exhaust pipe'.

As all 13 year olds would in this situation I turned to my mates with a smile that only a 13 year old catching somebody shagging can create and screamed at the top of my voice "COME HERE LADS THESE ARE SHAGGING"

Everybody is standing about 2 feet away from the car, pointing, laughing and generally having a ball. The fella in the car (about 20ish, so automatically harder than us - the rules of being a youth) tells us to "fuck off or die".

Because we knew that newly introduced hardman wasn't actually a hardman as we'd never seen him before we pretended to follow his orders and walk away. Within 5 minutes we were 'accidentally' kicking the ball at his car, all is well until my mate "bully" steps up and smashes the ball at the car, straight through the side window of their love-wagon.

We all, as you would, shit ourselves and start to run away, once at a safe distance we all stop and turn around to see what damage we've done, Mr Lover Lover is opening the back door and in perfect slow motion he gets out with just his boxers on and then falls flat on his face due to trousers-round-ankles syndrome.

Turned out he was a mate of my brothers and since then we've all become friends, apparently he was borrowing his mums car at the time and had to explain why a ball had been kicked at the window and why he wasn't willing to phone the police, as he'd gone to do so he noticed that the CCTV camera was looking almost directly at his car.

Happily ever after.
(Mon 7th Jun 2010, 15:14, More)

» DIY Surgery

This actually makes me wretch just thinking about it...
My dad had a blood build up under his thumb nail, the pressure was causing him all sorts of pain and so he decided he should do something about it.

He got a paperclip and tried to slam it through his nail but to no effect. The next day I walked into our garden shed after hearing a massive "oooooh ya bastard" come from inside, there was my dad perched with a lot of blood on his hand.

My dad had put his thumb into the vice and got one of them precision drills (you know the one, you lower a lever and it the drill goes straight down) and used his blowtorch to "sterilise" the drill bit. He'd sat there and lowered it very very slowly and drilled through his thumbnail with perfect precision, any further and he'd have fucked his thumb up completely.

It worked, the pressure was relieved and he was in barely any pain compared to before. It's the same sort of thing they'd have done in the hospital only with more expert equipment and... less risk.

Uh!
(Sun 23rd Jan 2011, 13:01, More)