» Anonymous

Last night of Reading Festival
a few years ago. Having accepted an offer of a ticket from my ex girlfriend the weekend had been an exercise in smoking too much gear with her friends and avoiding her late nights advances... I was kept on my toes mentally and physically - I was in the Zone...

So, having enjoyed the last nights bands, I came back to our campsite to find that the power had died and the floodlighting was down. The scene was reminiscent of pre battle night during a medieval war... thick smoke hung all round, the clashing of drunken warriors and wailing of women, the flying baked bean cans and burning tents fuelling the atmosphere...

On finding my tent intact I wandered down the way and found about 50 people crowded around one of the telegraph poles, with a half naked youth trying his damnedest to reach the top. An fail. Another... failed.

I approached and was grabbed by the arms and led to the totem. Cries of derision rang in my ears as I was tarred with the brush of previous failures. And then I started to climb.

Now. I was 35 at the time and to be honest, haven't stopped climbing trees for more than a winter since I was about 5 years old. So I promptly got halfway up before the chants started...

"Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve", the cries rang out over the campsite like I was a prima gladiator having slain the latest victim. I reached the top and victoriously slapped my hand on the top of the pole before I descended at a rate of knots, and left the pole behind at about 10 ft.

I threw myself backwards and the crowd caught me, and started throwing me up and down - I was finally hoisted onto the shoulders of the nearest giant and paraded around my new circles of admirers, cries of "Steve" still filling the heady nightime air...

I didn't have the heart to tell them my name is not Steve.
(Mon 18th Jan 2010, 18:54, More)

» My Arch-nemesis

Evil Witch Lady
On the 4th of May 1979, the evil witch lady stole my free milk. Fucker! But then she was cast out of the Forest and her husband died - now she's going mad and living every day in the tortured private hell of her wizened body..

Karmic realignment in action, Baby :0)
(Fri 30th Apr 2010, 13:26, More)

» Letters they'll never read

Dear Gordon,
Since being made unemployed through redundancy over a year ago I have found it nigh on impossible to gain work, despite a UK University Honours Degree, 2 HNC qualifications and a plethora (20 years) of Management in a variety of practical fields. I have been told on numerous occasions that I am over qualified and under experienced. I cannot even get a job at McDonalds because they believe that it would be a waste of their time and money to employ and then train me.

I did manage to gain some work last month, however it was only of a temporary nature, despite being told otherwise by the agency that recruited me (the telling of such porkies should be a crime (Misrepresentation?)). This had such a negative impact upon my benefit status that all benefits have been stopped and the small amount of minimum wages I did earn for 4 days with no overtime, has failed abjectly to fill the cavernous hole that represents my current financial status. As if this wasn't enough, 2 direct debits bounced, because the money was due to be taken from benefits that didn't appear and the bank wants an extra £60 at the end of the month.

I cannot afford to use a telephone and if it wasn't for the free access to wi-fi provided at my local library I would have no way of contacting you, as I now have no credit, no cash - but I am fortunate to have friends that love me and a supermarket that doesn't understand the law in relation to disposal of out of date foodstuffs - I have a considerably richer diet now that I am a hunter gatherer, but it is time consuming and no doubt I shall fall quite ill at some point.

I have lost my job, my purpose, my self respect, my sanity, my relationship, my home, my ability to live as a contributing member of society and am no doubt becoming increasingly de-skilled as each day passes...

What I am asking is, Mr Brown, if you are a public servant then why is it me who's being fucked so hard in the arse..? At least I can console myself knowing I get a free fuck every day, although unfortunately not quite the way I prefer it!

I await your reply, sitting upon a velvet cushion.

HRH
(Thu 4th Mar 2010, 14:45, More)

» Presents

Michael McIntyre's Corpse
I'll do it for anyone that asks... won't be much of a surprise, just welcome relief I guess :0)
(Mon 30th Nov 2009, 0:46, More)

» My Arch-nemesis

University Director of Studies, Head of Unit, Head of Course and Assigned Tutor... no escape...
So... if the relationship went wrong, I'd be fucked. And I was.

I was on my way to a 2:1 despite seriouly serious financial problems and a substance addiction (no, a proper one, prescription pain killers following the car accident that forced me out of work and into Uni to retrain)... In my final year I couldn't avoid her classes and thus had to spend over half my time in her lectures, with her marks contributing to 60% of my final year marks.

She accused me of plagiarism, twice, gave me less than 20% for every other assignment and marked my exams similarly badly. I got a Pass for my degree, because she

A) denied me access to hearings re the plagiarism things
B) denied me re-sits for my exams
C) denied me a right of appeal against my marks and plagiarism thingy

But... a year later I had gathered enough evidence to prove that she had been throwing marks at people she was taking favours from, not noticed that the same people had been passing work down to each other year on year AND had my own marks looked at and was awarded a 2:2 instead - not nearly as bad as it was. Who's the scientist now???

Fucking grade A bitch, she was not only sacked but as far as I'm aware she hasn't worked since - and the arsehole buttlickers who were buying 1sts have been re-graded too... one of them was working quite high up for a prestigious charity and was sacked and the enquiry that followed showed she was on the take herself...

If I were an animal, I'd be a Llama... the Dalai Llama :0)
(Fri 30th Apr 2010, 13:39, More)