» Letters they'll never read

Pissed Letter
While pissed I sent this to Gordon Brown.

And no I didnt get a response.

Gordon Brown MP,
10 Downing Street,
London,
SW1A 2AA
23rd March 2009

Dear Mr Brown,
I am writing to you after hearing that you praised Jade Goody as a “courageous woman” which is an incredible error of judgement on your part. Jade Goody was an overweight foul-mouthed illiterate racist who milked her disease for monetary gain and epitomised what is so bad about modern British society. She, and her publicist, cunningly exploited papers and television channels to extract the maximum revenue possible while ensuring her two little boys were forced to watch the death of their mother through the uncaring glare of the media.

Contrast this with Jane Tomlinson who when diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2000, raised almost £2m for cancer charities via competing in marathons, the Ironman Triathlon, and the Great North Run. She received threatening phone calls after becoming victim to a tabloid smear campaign, but ignored these and the pain of her treatment to cycle across the 4,000 miles across America and raising an additional £¼million in the process. Her son collected her posthumous CBE two months after her death.

As a taxpayer, and therefore your employer, I believe you should be working to remedy the dire mess you and your party has made of the economy through chronic mismanagement and not trying to pander to readers of OK! Magazine who have been brainwashed into believing Jade Goody was some sort of second coming. She was simply a pointless moron who shot to fame by being foul-mouthed, racist and considerably more unintelligent than the average Labour supporter, a feat that I am sure you will agree, is extremely difficult to achieve!

I trust that you will consider your public statements more clearly in future.

Yours sincerely,

J Harding
(Fri 5th Mar 2010, 23:02, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

A few....
I have a few:

In Year 7 (11-12) a girl in my class dropped a whole load of powder paint on the floor and then proceeded to clean it by getting a wet paper towel and rubbing it into the carpet. When the pink powder turned to paint, it seemed to spur her on even more and got more wet towels to spread the paint over an even wider area. The sadist that I am, I just watched keeping quiet and awaiting for the realisation that she had messed up. Cue, the teacher arriving, and much shouting.

In my job at an FSA-regulated company (a building society), my induction course taught me to "write my passwords down and leave them by the side of the computer as they are hard to remember. It doesn't matter". Suffice to say, the record was put straight.

Lastly is one from me when I was around 18. We were waiting for a female friend to join us in the pub and she was already half an hour late. We were going somewhere but nothing too time specific. I quite liked her, having met her briefly before and knew she wasnt dating anyone. Cat, the mutual friend rang her and she promised she would be there shortly. Fifteen minutes later, she saunters up to our table drink in hand with her excuses being that all her clothes made her arse look big.
"No", I replied, "all the sodding chocolate and crisps and alcohol you consume makes your arse big. Blaming some garment made in the third world, probably by child slave labour, who earn in one week less than the cost of that drink, for you having a fat arse is just ridiculous". Everyone glared at me, and I found out that telling a girl she "has a fat arse" is not a good precursor to asking someone out on a date.
(Sun 21st Mar 2010, 19:36, More)

» B3ta Person of the Year 2010

Sir Peter Viggers....
....for proving that the absurdity of MP's expenses knows, no bounds.

The duck house (£1,400).

Narrowly beating Wacky Jacqui (who claimed for pornography) and Douglas Hogg (moat cleaning)
(Thu 16th Dec 2010, 20:36, More)

» Vandalism

Bible
The only real act of vandalism I have done (if you don't count evacuating an entire hotel in Jersey by hitting the Fire Alarm when I was 12) was on a bible a year ago at a hotel chain in Oxfordshire.

The front page read something along the lines of

"All characters contained in this book are entirely fictitious and any resemblance to anyone real, alive or dead, is completely coincidental"

My colleague thought I would go to hell when he saw it the following morning. I will, but not for adding a few words to a book in a hotel.
(Sun 10th Oct 2010, 21:22, More)

» Complaining

I upset the taxi drivers in Macclesfield
My workplace looks out over a little cul-de-sac in Macclesfield that is lined with double yellow lines, but has a small taxi rank thirty yards down the road that is opposite the Tesco Metro. Given its very close proximity to the town centre (30 seconds walk), the road is popular with disabled drivers and shoppers despite it being illegal to park there. It is also popular with taxi drivers that "extend" the rank size by around ten vehicles

Now the problem is that the number of available taxis outstrips the rank size by around 5 to 1. Add delivery bays for Tesco, M&S, Waterstones, Iceland and the Post Office in a reasonably narrow road and it is a recipe for disaster.

I have witnessed two people being mown down (none seriously) and a couple of traffic accidents. The final straw came when a taxi tore up the street and nearly knocked me over as he threw his car against the kerb (and double yellows). He (along with all the taxis) were ignored by the traffic wardens who patrol the town. Everyone got a ticket except the taxis.

So I complained to the Council. Who ignored me. So I hit them with two Freedom of Information Act requests and then emailed the top brass.

The result: menmedia.co.uk/manchestereveningnews/news/s/1121083_ten_roads_where_you_shouldnt_leave_your_car

Traffic Wardens enforced the rank size for around six to eight weeks thus upsetting all the taxi drivers. And the traffic was better and there was no accidents. You could cross the road without it being a free-for-all.

It is still better than it was now. Unfortunately the council has decided to extend the rank up the street so it will go back to being shit again.

But a small victory for all of us against the taxi drivers who think the law doesn't apply to them.
(Tue 7th Sep 2010, 0:33, More)