» Prejudice

Their, there, they're i go again
I'm no genius in the world of grammar,but am i the only one who gets pissed off at the constant use of the wrong version of "there" being used on forums, blogs etc.
There are three different versions for a reason.
I just wish the lazy fuckwits would learn how to use them. cunts.
(Fri 2nd Apr 2010, 18:42, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

The mastery of timing and a quick mind
The genius who came out with the following retort will go down in my memory for ever and ever.
It was a quiet saturday lunchtime in my local boozer about 10 years ago.
our landlord was a genuine good laugh who could handle the piss takes as well as dish them out. Thing was, he had a slight disadvantage in that he weighed the best part of 30 stone. Anyways up, our small group of about 5 of us are stood at the bar talking footy etc when in walks a complete stranger. You know how it is when that happens in a local, the place falls silent ( see slaughtered lamb in american warewolf). The said stranger is wearing the loudest knitted jumper you have ever seen and our landlord seeing a gilt edged opportunity jumps in head first
" Hello mate , i like your jumper" ( looks at us for approval).
Stranger , without hesitation replies.
" You probably would, it's a medium"
Cue 5 human beer fountains.
(Sun 27th Nov 2011, 22:02, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

One day in burger king
I was waiting for my whopper meal to arrive when a couple walked in who were, shall we say, not the brightest of specimens to grace this planet.The girl decided to be the ambassador of the couple. The conversation went as follows.
Girl." what do you want gary"
Garry. " burger or summatt"
Girl. " Do you do burgers?"
Assistant. " Yes" points at vast range available on signs behind counter
Mumbled conversation ensues between couple for next two minutes
Girl. " do you do fries?"
Assistant. "YES"
Another mumbled conversation follows. A good four minutes have now passed since they entered
Girl. " How long will it take for burger and fries?"
Assistant. " three minutes at the most"
Girl " Forget it, we aint got that long"
What a waste of organs!
(Thu 18th Mar 2010, 17:55, More)

» Why I Love/Hate Britain

I love our good old british swear words
I hate people that can't swear properly, always using Fuck and cunt at every opportunity without being able to use it in the right context. The very same people that pronounce the" g" on the end of fucking.
First to say fuck off cunt is a cunt. Na na na naaa na.
blows raspberry.
(Thu 3rd Oct 2013, 19:56, More)

» Pure Fury

Right then, i'll keep this as short as possible to keep you past the opening line below.
I play bowls! Still there? Good.
This contains two for the price of one in the same venue.
About 20 years ago my team mates and i had qualified for the regional finals of the national under 25s two rink ( 8 players) competition representing warwickshire at Bath in Somerset.
The quarter and semi final were on the sunday so being responsible young bowls players we arrived in Bath on friday with the intention of a damn good piss up that night and saturday.
Sat in one of the local establishments ( cant remember the name) early in the evening we were generally having a good time like a bunch of lads do.
Across the bar from our table there was a tv on the wall showing you've been framed with old small hand presenting it. For the best part of 10 minutes i kept diverting my attention to the tv and laughing at select clips.
All good.
A few moments later a bloke of about 40 is towering over me demanding to know what my fucking problem is and why i keep laughing at him. He has ,by now, the obligatory purple face of rage and imminent intent of battering me.
After explaining that i was laughing at the tv above him he just turned round and walked away.
After the long silence between us we decided to move on elsewhere.
An hour or two passed and by now we were getting nicely pissed and a bit noisy to boot.
I needed a piss so headed off to the loo.
Mid stream , i glance to my left to see guess who staring at me.
Fuck i thought.
" I'm going to rip your fucking head off" says he.
I'm still pissing. How do i deal with this?
Answer. I don't
Cue the arrival of my good mate Mat
No questions, no warning,no introduction. Mat wraps his arm around blokes neck and charges at full pace with him into cubicle and buries blokes head into toilet cistern breaking the cistern in the process. Bloke collapses to floor by toilet pan amidst lots of blood and water.
Mat looks back at me and says " I think he's fucking dead"
" Let's get the fuck out of here" I reply.
Saturday was a bit edgy trying to find the quiet pubs for a drink.
Mat is quite simply a monster when he loses it.
For that i am very grateful .
Thanks Mat.
(Sat 28th Sep 2013, 18:45, More)