» Trolls

I am currently engaging in a lovely spot of scam-baiting.
A naughty man is advertising on the internet and alleging he is representing the company i work in recruitment for. I emailed to ask for a job, and was immediately offered a position that I have no experience in, on a salary of £6000 per month. Amazing! Despite the fact that i have completed their 'application' form giving our company name and address as my current employer, he seems very keen for me to go to America for an interview. All he needs is my passport details, and money up front for my visa and documents. What could go wrong?

Despite the fact that I enquired whether my previous conviction for money-laundering and trading illegally in endangered species (which has, sadly, left me unable to obtain any visa for the US or Australia) would affect my chances, and the somewhat startling revelation that I was born on a Boeing 747 over the Gulf of Mexico and lived with my grandmother from the age of five after my parents attempted to sell me to a circus, the company are VERY keen to employ me.

I'm now sorting out the final details with him before I go for the reveal. Well, it passes the time.

UPDATE: well, i've just responded to an email asking me to complete a questionnaire:

Dear Fred (I hope you are not insulted by me calling you Fred - but you seem a friendly man)

I am afraid I cannot open the questionnaire from your email. Please, understand that I really do want this job (despite my lack of experience and crippling autism - regarding this, please confirm that there will be no red lifeboats on board as if I see any form of transport that is red, I have to hop seven times on each foot and fear this may alarm your guests) and have already packed my swimsuit and a packed lunch in anticipation of my new life at sea.

Please, kindly resend the questionnaire so that we can arrange my interview in America. I have never been to America before - can we eat 'chilli dogs' and go to the top of the World Trade Center? How exciting!!

I look forward to hearing from you.

with all the blessings that Jesus may offer the sinners,

Janet Aylia


i wonder if he'll reply?

UPDATED UPDATE: i have an appointment letter! now, do i carry on with this, or hit 'em with a cease and desist?
(Thu 19th May 2011, 12:01, More)

» Dad stories

my dad has a love/hate relationship with elton john.
he has always been a massive fan, but was horrified when elton revealed that he was a prostate tickler.

so, a few years ago at christmas, i walked into the living room to find my dad staring at the ceiling whilst elton plinky-plonked away on the tv.

'what on earth are you doing?'

'well, i still like his music but i'm not going to look at him any more. i don't like the thought of where those big fat fingers have been.'

my dad. the man. the legend.
(Thu 25th Nov 2010, 11:57, More)

» Random Acts of Evil

to any drivers who were affected by the unexpected coning off of broomfield road in chelmsford late one friday night in 1994,
sorry about that. from our drunken hiding place behind the wall of king edward's school, it was hilarious.
(Tue 21st Feb 2012, 11:13, More)

» Funerals II

my nan's funeral.
my nan was a proper Cockerny - born within the sound of Bow Bells in 1914. She died at the age of 79 and her funeral service was in Rochford.

As the vicar started the bit about how lovely my Nanny was, he elaborated on how she would 'knit blanket squares for the poor'. Now, dear old Nanny would rather have choked on 20 Rothmans than help the 'poor'.

Cue my sister and I legging it outside and weeping with laughter over that poor Vicar who had someone else's notes...
(Thu 11th Apr 2013, 22:54, More)

» B3TA fixes the world

Title Goes Here
make sure QOTW questions will lead to funny or interesting answers, rather than endless pages of dull daily-mail style ranting about the unemployeds and cyclists.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2011, 15:54, More)