» Dad stories

Oh go on, another one!
Post numero 2!

Last year, I took a job with a certain large, red telecommunications company - the same one my Dad still currently works for. Halfway through my tenure there, I moved from Hampshire (where they, and my Dad, are based) to Brighton - a good 200 miles, so I was doing the whole 2.5 hour commute. The job itself was...bleh. I didn't mind it, but I wasn't particularly enjoying it, certainly didnt feel worth the commute. I worked under a complete, religious, up-his-own-butthole twunt called Matt (for that is his name). No one liked Matt. No other departments. No one. He was hired onto the company via the preverbial 'golden handcuffs' and so didn't really do anything, but was paid 80k a year to do so. One day earlier this year, a Friday no less, 2 days after he was told he had 90 days to find another job within the company otherwise he was fired, he decided to take his frustration out on me. He waited until after my 2.5 hour train journey to get into the office, then took me into an office at 9am to say "I'm firing you for gross misconduct. I'll pay you for a week but don't come in again." The reason? For doing a job he'd asked me to do ontop of my standard duties. Dick.
How is this Dad related you say? Well as I said earlier, my Dad and I worked for the same company, albeit in different departments. I've always had a bit of a hang up with my Dad - in general he's a good guy, but, he's never really been that supportive. Not in an abusive way don't get me wrong, but, would never say "well done" when I did well at school, or come and see any of my gigs etc. Equally, he was a man who, although swore regularly, ferverently refused to say anything particularly harsh, such as "fuck".

Back to the story. After I was fired, I left a note on my Dad's desk explaining, and went on the long-haul train back to Brighton. My Dad called me later. Apparently Matt (who he'd long had a distaste for) wandered over to his desk at one point and said "So how do you feel?" in a fairly smug demeanour. Dad's response?
"How do you think I fucking feel you stupid twat? You fired my son. You think I'm going to be fucking happy about it? You're a fucking bully, its no wonder you're going you egotistical arsehole. Are you you really that fucking stupid? Fuck off" Before practically having to be held back by his co-workers from punching Matt in the face.

The happy ending? Matt was refused a job anywhere else in the company so lost his job, I got a new, better paid, closer to Brighton job for a rival telecommuncations company which I love, and the relationship I have with my Dad now couldn't be better. I fucking love that guy :D

Length? 8 months too long
(Tue 30th Nov 2010, 11:56, More)

» I'm glad nobody saw me

As a young paperboy...
...at the tender age of 13, I was enthralled by the joys of ogling the page 3 models in The Sun, a newspaper I delivered a fair few of on my route. My route involved cycling around a number of country roads, with a couple of spots having houses a good mile inbetween.

Needless to say, one Saturday morning at approx. 6:30am, I had a hand shandy with said jazz page balanced across my handlebars. I'm very glad none of the fancy country gentlemen types I was delivering their Times to saw me having a 10mph speed wank.

Length? Well, I was only 13, and it was cold outside...
(Fri 28th Jan 2011, 10:47, More)

» Awesome teachers

A genuine one...
On the first day of secondary school, our form tutor (a chemistry teacher by trade and ex-FA Referee so stand up bloke) said "OK kids, come with me to the playing field!"

Sure enough we went to the playing field, and he brought with him a bucket of water and a large, dark brown glass box. He turned to us and said "OK guys, when I say run, run as fast as you can down the hill, but try and get a look back if you can!"

"RUN!"

...

BAAAANG!!!

Turns out in the brown box was a fecking huge lump of Sodium. Kablooey
(Thu 17th Mar 2011, 11:38, More)

» Stupid Colleagues

Not strictly...
...a work colleague, but a university one (ATT:TENUOS LINK!), had some cracking ones she came up with. You ever had one of those 'friends' who, you don't really like, but they hang around with your group of mates because she's vaguely a friend of a friend etc. Some corkers include:

1) Not knowing where Holland was. More accurately, when asked, she thought Holland was in Germany. And that in Germany, they spoke Dutch.

2) When she had the flu pretty bad, she ended up in hospital. Although not because of the flu. No, it happened to be she was in a lecture and she looked fairly ill. We asked her if she was taking any drugs to combat it, i.e. ibuprofen etc etc, to which she said "No, I don't like to take any". At this point it was more than apparent she was drinking a Lemsip. "How many of those have you drank?" "Since I got up? Oh I don't know, they're good on my sore throat. About 9 or 10?". 9 or 10 in the space of 2 hours. That was a stomach pump. When questioned about it; "Oh I didn't realise they had drugs in them, I just thought it was like a soova or somefink". Luckily no liver damage - although she could drink like a fish!

3) Thought that Wales was a town

4) Was one of these people who said "No I don't get hangovers, I never have!" Yet the day after a massive drinking session would say she was feeling ill and it must be a cold/virus coming on

5) Tried to snort weed. I wish I was kidding. Some mates and I were sat having a few joints and a drink, and she said "Oh, can I have a go?!". Being drunk and stoned we thought, "Shit, why not?". She proceeded to cut out a line of ground green and snort it. What...the...fuck?. Funny enough "No it nevva does anyfink for me"

6) Refused to use Direct Debits as "Cheques are safer"

7) Insisted she was amazing at singing, and so entered local Karaoke competitions. And always lost. And always drunkenly assaulted the bar staff/judges because of them not recognising her 'talent'

8) In a similar vein, she was asked to go for an audition for The X Factor or Britain's Got Talent, one of those awful shows, and we all agreed to go up to London on the coach with her to give her support. Except we got there and nothing was happening. She'd got the timing wrong - by a month.

9) 'Ducked' when smoking. As in, would always say she smoked and couldnt stop etc, except when she smoked, she would take in the tiniest drag into her mouth and breath it out in an exaggerated way, i.e. the way a 13 year old would do

10) Went out with a mate of mine, when he got bored and dumped her, she spent 2 hours dramtically over a local railway bridge threatening to jump because she couldnt live without him. And then slept with his brother later the same day, because she had 'fancied him for ages'.


Apologies for length, I didn't realise I had it in me!


...That's what she said!

GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!
(Fri 4th Mar 2011, 9:58, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

Hey Sully...
...remember when I said I'd kill you last?

I lied.
(Wed 19th Jan 2011, 16:47, More)