» Cunning Plans

My family often makes jokes based on wordplay
In fact, you could say we are a ...

wait for it ...

do you know what it is yet?

That's right, a bunch of tedious wankers who should just fuck off right now.
(Thu 5th Jul 2012, 16:44, More)

» Dodgy boozers

My other half's story
When she first moved to London, and before I'd met her, my other half lived in Stepney with her alcoholic (now ex-) husband. Every Friday she'd have to trawl round the local pubs trying to find which one he'd settled into for the weekend. Not being an East End fishwife, she didn't have the nous to stride into a pub and shriek "Is that drunken bum Jeff in here?" so instead she would just guiltily creep in, have a quick recce round the darkest corners and then leave. Eventually she discovered that bar staff could be quite helpful if she actually approached the bar, ordered a drink and asked after his whereabouts. Finally she realised that there wasn't much point searching him out and would end up having a few drinks in one particular pub and chatting with the locals.
One such Friday night, just before last orders, an old lady came round with a bucket. Seeing that the locals were enthusiastically digging deep into their own pockets she chucked a few quid in, not quite sure what charity she'd just donated to but not much bothered either. Then a lock-in ensued. The front door was locked, the blinds and lights were lowered. The old lady from before went up to the bar, plonked down a battered old tape player and hit 'Play'. The tape was so stretched and worn with age that the music playing was almost unrecognisable. People started clapping and cheering.
The old lady then climbed up onto a table and, shuffling to the warped sounds of David Rose and his Orchestra, started removing her clothes, revealing herself to be even more stretched and worn than the tape. And because she'd given the single largest donation of the night, the stripper most generously threw her support panties to my other half.
TL;DR My future wife inadvertently scored a pair of stripper's knickers.
(Fri 7th Feb 2014, 15:27, More)

» The Emergency Services

What does an ex-Royal Marine do?
An acquaintance of mine from school joined the Royal Marines and had a great lark. He was fully sponsored to study undergraduate History at a posh university before taking up a commission and travelling the world. He was recently invalided out and was finding it quite hard to adjust to life in 'civvy street'. I hear he has now rekindled his academic career and is again being fully sponsored at university on a postgraduate course. His thesis reflects his one true calling though: "An early history of soldiers on ships: An emergent sea service".
(Wed 22nd May 2013, 17:24, More)

» Iffy crushes

Sports fans
Many male fans develop homoerotic man-crushes on players in the teams they support, but I never realised how competitive they can be about it. We're still hearing about how Liverpool fans had the biggest crushes.
(Thu 13th Oct 2011, 10:24, More)

» Getting Old

I remember when all this was fields
Now it's collections and tags and key value stores.
(Thu 7th Jun 2012, 19:44, More)