Speak no more ills of the man in the park!
Can you not see? He's no drunk!



It's David Bellamy, and he's letting the little birdies perch on his fingers.
(Sat 8th Feb 2003, 14:34, More)

» Call Centres

They're human too, y'know!
In my profession I call folks in call centres every day. As these folks speak with ungrateful shopkeepers and tradesmen all day, I like to try and liven their lives up a bit. Just yesterday I had to call some folks to place a very large order. The ordering took ages as the poor guy was obviously new, so I decided to spice things up a little.

Halfway through the call I asked:

Me: "Who would win the following battle: A shark on wheels or a polar bear with a lightsabre?"
Him: "Hmm. The polar bear, I think."

Ordering plumbing supplies resumed until ten minutes later:

Me: "What about this one? HMS Ark Royal or Katie Price's vag?"
Him: "Katie Price's vag. Definitely. It's unstoppable."

Class act, that man.
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 19:33, More)

» Barred

Pub standardness
I was barred from a pub for inappropriate use of the pub quiz sheet.

What's the capital of Denmark? The answer is...

Michael Cooper (the quizmaster) felches his mum and blows dead goats.

First time I've been barred from a pub by text message, too.
(Wed 6th Sep 2006, 13:00, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

They're not fans of The Killers.
In 2003, I had a large e-business project to complete for college. I was the only one in class who cared about it, and as such, devoted each Wednesday morning (day off) to writing out a large evaluation of e-business platform usage within contemporary England.

So one Wednesday morning I'm sitting at home typing up this assignment while reading my notes from an A4-sized pad. The doorbell chimes and I wander downstairs and look through the spyhole in the door.

I see two men in black wearing name badges. I immediately think the police have arrived for some reason and open the door. Thankfully, it was just a couple of Mor(m)ons. Now, I'm very polite towards most people and don't feel annoyed at them for interrupting my college coursework. They're just trying to make everyone as happy as they are. Aww.

"Hi there. Do you have five minutes to talk about God?"

At this point I gesture towards the stairs. "Sorry folks. I'm a little busy with college work at the moment." I said. I held my A4 pad to my chest for effect. When they saw the pad they became a little flustered. One wanted to leave a pamphlet, but the other just tried to make him leave as soon as possible. I thought it was a strange reaction, but said goodbye and went to the kitchen for a drink. When I put the pad on the countertop I realised the reason for their consternation.

You see, at college I had absent-mindedly written the word KILL in huge black letters on the front of the pad and held it up for them to see while telling them that I was otherwise engaged.

Oopsie.
(Wed 17th Dec 2008, 23:19, More)

» Buses

My friend Tony...
...is a London bus driver.

He has many amusing anecdotes to tell, and here are but a few:

- When people scan their Oyster cards on the reader and it tells them they have insufficient credit to use the bus, they keep scanning it and receiving the same annoying beep and same message. Naturally, this irritates other passengers and Tony who now slackens his body so his head thumps the horn while making the charismatic 'uuunnnggggg' noise normally associated with the mentally challenged.

- A passenger attempted to board his bus but didn't have sufficient money to cover the fare. Tony's response was: "Take a seat, I don't care." When the passenger was found to be travelling without a ticket by an inspector, the passenger protested saying that Tony let him on. When confronted by the inspector, Tony spoke thus to the passenger: "I said I didn't care that you couldn't buy a ticket, and I still don't care that you've been caught."

- Once returned to the garage to park the bus at the end of his shift to see his manager in his rear-view mirror. Apparently Tony had a wee accident and didn't notice, so the manager decided to deliver Tony a missing bus panel his victim had brought in.

- Got T-boned by a Mercedes. The bus won.
(Fri 26th Jun 2009, 20:13, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Hygiene and sex. Part II.
Earlier this year I was in a relationship that was... fleeting, shall we say. The sex was non-existent and in an attempt to add some flavour to our bedroom activities, I planted the seed of inquiry into her mind regarding anal sex. I'd done it before and found it to be most enjoyable. The women I've buggered? Not so much.

She agrees and a couple of weeks later we both run to bed very excited because she's really enjoying being anally violated. I skipped using protection this time (we were quite excited) and a good time was had by all.

After finishing this most sinful act sans condom, I have to wash myself. So I walk into her family bathroom and turn the light on to discover that I'm rather unclean downstairs and unfortunately, my knob won't reach the tap. I can't use the bath taps as it's 1AM and it would wake the rest of her family up. Thinking quickly, I realise that if I can't go to the water, then the water should come to me.

You know the small beaker people use to rinse their mouths out after brushing their teeth? I located it, removed the toothbrushes and filled it with water. After thoroughly rinsing my soiled apparatus in said cup I look at the water to discover that it resembles a weak beef broth replete with little pieces of shit. A faecal aquarium, if you will.

After which I tip the water into the sink, replace the toothbrushes and conveniently forget to wash / rinse / burn the cup.

It still makes me giggle to think of her parents brushing their teeth with some of their daughter's anal additive. They had a good sense of humour, so they wouldn't have minded so much.

And like most people here, I have defaced a copy of Gideon's Bible in school. It's a rite-of-passage thing, I think.
(Wed 17th Dec 2008, 19:14, More)