» Utterly Drunk

Stereotypical Brit Abroad
When I was a younger chap (21 maybe?), my friends and I decided that it would be a superb idea to book ourselves on a gentleman's holiday to the magnificent resort of Malia. We drove our Honda Accords to to the travel agents to make the arrangements before doing MASSIVE DRUGS LOL.

Skip forward a few months and myself and four friends are in a bar on the main strip in Malia drinking cheap sugary drinks from a variety of novelty receptacles. As the night progressed I lost the ability to form actual words but managed to get the attention of a young lady through a series of grunts and provocative dance moves. I have no idea how it happened but the next thing that I knew I was walking with her back to her hotel.

After what seemed like miles we arrived only to be greeted by the hotel security telling us that under no circumstances was I going to be allowed to enter his establishment to plough this fine lady as I wasn't a paying guest and I was thoroughly intoxicated. As you can imagine this news didn't please me much. My grunts and provocative dance moves didn't have the same effect on the security as they did on my companion so we walked away from the entrance to discuss our options. My hotel was miles away and I was sharing a room with friends so that was out of the question so we decided that the best way for me to gain entry was to sneak in through the hedge while she was distracting the security.

After walking through a very muddy field I found a gap in the hedge which I attempted to slip through unnoticed. Obviously my current level of intoxication meant that I was far less subtle than I imagined and another member of the hotel security spotted me. He shouted something into his radio and I took off back across the field and down the road. In the distance I heard the sound of small engines firing up and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to outrun them on their chav quads. I jumped over a low wall and crossed my fingers that they wouldn't see me. Sure enough I heard they fly past at which point a light bulb appeared above my head. If they are chasing me down the road, nobody is guarding the front of the hotel!

I proudly strode up to the gates, walked straight in and quickly found the room of my beloved for the evening. After what was probably a very inadequate amount of foreplay we were both in our birthday suits ready to make the beast with two backs.

A knock at the door and much shouting quickly scared the living bejesus out of me so I collected my clothes and climbed into the wardrobe. Luckily after a few sharp words, the security dispersed and we were left to make disappointingly quick and unsatisfying love.

The next morning I awoke and immediately speculated how I was going to get out of the hotel without being beaten up by security so I decided that a surprise exit was in order. I bid farewell to my conquest and sprinted out of the hotel. I will never forget the look of surprise on the security guards face as I ran hell for leather out of the front gate. As soon as I got to the place where I had hid the night before I jumped over the wall and waited for the impending sound of quads to zip past me. Not knowing how long they would search for me I waited for them to return before strolling back to my hotel for a kip.

I'm never normally a quick thinker especially when drunk so this ranks as one of my proudest drunken moments.

tl;dr drunkenly outsmarted Greek hotel security guards in order to get laid.
(Thu 14th Feb 2013, 11:57, More)

» Made me laugh

Balls
I had to take my cat Norman to the vets at the weekend for his jabs. I walked into the surgery feeling hungover and wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible. After the vet had done his duties he picked up Norman to do his usual checks at which point he started laughing.

I asked the vet what had caused this chuckling and he exclaimed that my young feline companion has one white testicle and one black testicle.

The sight of Norman's multicolour scrotum kept me amused all day.
(Thu 6th Dec 2012, 13:47, More)

» Sporting Woe

Massive Ouchies.
Be gentle. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Like a lot of people on here I went to a school that insisted that everyone played rugby. Not a public school, just a grammar school mind you. That was fine by me because i'd been playing the sport since the tender age of four and had even represented my county at under 11 level.

There are several woes from my beloved sport that I could speak of on here, not least the time when a fat Scottish kid called hamish (I wont capitalise his name because he doesn't deserve to be treated as a proper noun) managed to dislocate my knee so badly that my kneecap was roaming free like an adventurous tramp. It was all OK though because the lovely NHS gave me MASSIVE DRUGS and sewed everything back together good and proper.

The time in question was when I was in the upper 6th form playing for the first team in the daily mail cup(again the daily mail don't deserve capital letters). This is the national schools competition and we had done very well. We had come through a difficult quarter final which we had to play twice because the first game got called off with ten minutes left because of heavy snow! I was playing the fine position of open side flanker. For those who don't know it is my job to annoy the opposition team as much as is humanly possible. I liked my position and I played it well, hardly a game went by when someone didn't want to punch me in the face. I didn't mind though because I had a very hard head (or so I thought!)

We were set to play the team who were undoubtedly favourites. They had sailed through all previous rounds and were expected to brush us aside easily on their way to the final. Their team contained no less than 9 England schoolboy internationals and they were all huge. The odds were stacked against us but what we lacked in size we made up for in confidence.

So the game starts and all is going well, we are holding them back in their own half and playing some good rugby. We scored a try which got the 3,000 strong crowd behind us and we were starting to think that this was going to be easy. Then the other team woke up as if they had been playing with us like a cat plays with a half dead mouse. We managed to hold off the pressure until just before half time when they scored a try and brought the scores level. The came out for the second half like they had been told that their dads would get get bum raped if they gave up any more points.

Ten minutes into the second half one of their bigger players got tackled and I was immediately there to pick up the ball. To this day I wish that I had had a chance to look around before I stood bolt upright because the next thing I knew I was waking up on the floor with cartoon birds circling above my head.

Eye witnesses described how a gentleman who is now an England international had tackled me around my chest with some serious force whilst I was standing directly in front of one of my team mates who was already crouched for the impending ruck. Physics fans will understand that in this kind of scenario, my head was on a direct collision course with the solid ground.

Once the cartoon birds had stopped circling I tried to stand up so that I could carry on the game. Rugby players don't let a small amount of unconsciousness stop them. The only thing that stopped me from moving was that my legs had decided that they weren't going to move. Panic and shock set in and a lovely physio lady ran onto the pitch to try and calm me down but I was absolutely bricking it. It took them a full eight minutes, EIGHT F**KING MINUTES, to find a spine board to carry me from the pitch. As I was being carried away I was treated to a standing ovation from the crowd which for reasons I will never understand set me off crying like an absolute baby.

I was taken to hospital in the ambulance with its sirens on full blast which is quite a cool feeling if you discount the paralysis. I was prodded and poked and x-rayed and probed and it was decided that the paralysis was only a temporary measure that my body had imposed on me because of the blunt trauma that my spine had received.

A few days later things were back to normal and I was thanking my lucky stars that I was back on my feet. You will never appreciate your legs more than you will after you have lost the use of them for a short time.

My team lost the game 24-7 were knocked out of the cup. I didn't play rugby again for a further 8 years, deciding that it was unwise to carry on with the sport that almost confined me to the Hawking brigade. That was until last weekend when I played again and was kicking myself for having left it so long. I love rugby.

Length, about four days before I was back to normal.

tl;dr - rugby is fun even if it does try to paralyze you.
(Fri 20th Apr 2012, 15:05, More)

» Silly Achievements

Farts
My brother and I are the only people that I have ever known who have made people vomit purely by farting.

Guinness was involved on both occasions.
(Fri 17th Oct 2014, 16:09, More)

» Body Horror

First
Man Tits
(Thu 11th Jul 2013, 14:03, More)