Profile for MrUppity:
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Recent front page messages:
Best answers to questions:
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- a member for 21 years, 2 months and 16 days
- has posted 131 messages on the main board
- (of which 3 have appeared on the front page)
- has posted 0 messages on the talk board
- has posted 0 messages on the links board
- has posted 7 stories and 0 replies on question of the week
- They liked 0 pictures, 0 links, 0 talk posts, and 2 qotw answers.
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Recent front page messages:
pearoast what with all the budget nonsense going on
AHA! FP! i'd like to thank the academy but i wont.
(Wed 17th Mar 2004, 17:06, More)
AHA! FP! i'd like to thank the academy but i wont.
(Wed 17th Mar 2004, 17:06, More)
Woodland tales: episode 1.
(It took me no time at all)
(ps - its rather long i think)
/edit - Woo! FP! thanksabunch
(Mon 19th Jan 2004, 22:10, More)
(It took me no time at all)
(ps - its rather long i think)
/edit - Woo! FP! thanksabunch
(Mon 19th Jan 2004, 22:10, More)
Laa laa laa laa laAGHHHHHH!
For god's sake keep an eye on the little blighters.
(Wed 26th Mar 2003, 19:12, More)
For god's sake keep an eye on the little blighters.
(Wed 26th Mar 2003, 19:12, More)
Best answers to questions:
» Scars with history
Dead People Arse Rot
Being a medical student, part of our 1st year course was anatomy through disection. This involves cutting up dead people who have been preserved in formaldehyde for over a year. For this lovely task we have to purchase a 'disection kit' which has scalpels and other pokey bits for sticking in orifices. One day, after an anatomy session, i was tidying my very small room in halls which was also occupied by several people playing tekken 3 (as was the style of the time). I sat down on my bed to join in, only to stand up again very swiftly in intense pain.
Yes, i had sat on my disection kit and a scalpel had pierced my buttocks.
To make things all the more glorious, it wasn't a new blade and still had dead people goo and some suspicious grainy bits on it. This all went about an inch and a half into my arse.
It bled.
Much hilarity ensued. I had to get one of my friends to put a stitch in it but, upon the nightly jappery in good ol' Glasgow University Union, I was asked by almost everyone there if my ass was still bleeding. Which it was. I was also asked what it felt to have a dead person's 'bits' enter my arse. Hoorah!
It kind of went a bit funny and pussey after a while but has left me a really rather pathetic inch long scar on my right buttock. I still have the pants i was wearing - they have a little hole where the scalpel took my buttockular virginity. Whoop!
(Tue 8th Feb 2005, 19:05, More)
Dead People Arse Rot
Being a medical student, part of our 1st year course was anatomy through disection. This involves cutting up dead people who have been preserved in formaldehyde for over a year. For this lovely task we have to purchase a 'disection kit' which has scalpels and other pokey bits for sticking in orifices. One day, after an anatomy session, i was tidying my very small room in halls which was also occupied by several people playing tekken 3 (as was the style of the time). I sat down on my bed to join in, only to stand up again very swiftly in intense pain.
Yes, i had sat on my disection kit and a scalpel had pierced my buttocks.
To make things all the more glorious, it wasn't a new blade and still had dead people goo and some suspicious grainy bits on it. This all went about an inch and a half into my arse.
It bled.
Much hilarity ensued. I had to get one of my friends to put a stitch in it but, upon the nightly jappery in good ol' Glasgow University Union, I was asked by almost everyone there if my ass was still bleeding. Which it was. I was also asked what it felt to have a dead person's 'bits' enter my arse. Hoorah!
It kind of went a bit funny and pussey after a while but has left me a really rather pathetic inch long scar on my right buttock. I still have the pants i was wearing - they have a little hole where the scalpel took my buttockular virginity. Whoop!
(Tue 8th Feb 2005, 19:05, More)
» My Worst Vomit
One Night In Maccy D's...
Being out in Edinburgh aged 16 or so one of my friends felt rather ill. We decided that a quick visit to the McD's on Prince's street to tactical spew would be in order (we were young so it was before the 1 o'clock closing).
My friend was really needing to spew so we ran under the barrier into the upstairs toilets but he failed to get into the cubical and instead began to vomit copiously into the McWash. The automatic washing thingy then squirted soap on my friends head as he leant into the alcove and followed it up with a torrent of warm water and a nice blow dry - giving my vommiting friend an early shower!
I was pissing myself laughing but he got his own back because just as i thought he had finished and i was cleaning the bowl he let out another spray of vom all down the side of my head. I then had to use the "McShower" to clean myself up aswell. All in all a lovely night...
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 23:25, More)
One Night In Maccy D's...
Being out in Edinburgh aged 16 or so one of my friends felt rather ill. We decided that a quick visit to the McD's on Prince's street to tactical spew would be in order (we were young so it was before the 1 o'clock closing).
My friend was really needing to spew so we ran under the barrier into the upstairs toilets but he failed to get into the cubical and instead began to vomit copiously into the McWash. The automatic washing thingy then squirted soap on my friends head as he leant into the alcove and followed it up with a torrent of warm water and a nice blow dry - giving my vommiting friend an early shower!
I was pissing myself laughing but he got his own back because just as i thought he had finished and i was cleaning the bowl he let out another spray of vom all down the side of my head. I then had to use the "McShower" to clean myself up aswell. All in all a lovely night...
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 23:25, More)
» Shit Stories
One more....
I gave a snowman a perfect Turd Trilby when snowboarding in Morzine just after christmas. Took an incredible amount of skill in shitting as I was absolutely fucked off my tits at the time and nearly sat in it at least twice. Strangely, it wasnt there in the morning so someone must have scooped it off, probably frozen solid. Vive la France.
(Fri 7th May 2004, 6:09, More)
One more....
I gave a snowman a perfect Turd Trilby when snowboarding in Morzine just after christmas. Took an incredible amount of skill in shitting as I was absolutely fucked off my tits at the time and nearly sat in it at least twice. Strangely, it wasnt there in the morning so someone must have scooped it off, probably frozen solid. Vive la France.
(Fri 7th May 2004, 6:09, More)
» Shit Stories
Stories from Army Cadets and OTC (quite lengthy)
In ze Army, as part of the ration pack thats issued to prospective cannon fodder, we are given nasty biscuit things called 'Biscuit Browns'. They taste so-so but their real use is that they are very good constipators - something that is a great boon when u are sent off on a 2-day excercise and dont want to shit in the open (to remain 'covert' or something). This means that you eat all your biscuits and then dont shit for about 5 days.
The return from a weekend camp would hold a highly amusing game because the return of your bowel function was granted swiftly and ferociously, often giving the hapless commando about 15 seconds between onset of "hmm, i think i need to dump" and "Oh bollocks ive cacked me khakis".
We often had a shouted countdown as someone put up their hand to ask to go to the loo and then just gave up and bolted out the door. Fun.
Once in CCF (cadet thing at school) the NCOs (all the 6th years basically) congregated around one of the cubicles because someone had managed to do the widest shit anyone had ever seen. It could only be described as a "coke can" due to its massive girth but diminutive length. We eventually found out that the turd was produced by a fat kid in 4th year who we quite unaffectionately called 'Cartman'.
Also highly funny and to do with the aforementioned biscuits:
One of our mates in OTC once decided to eat 6 peoples' rations of biscuit browns in one go. He didnt crap for about 2 and a half weeks but when he did he made off for the toilet at a fair trot followed by all of us in fits of laughter. He then sat down in a cubicle with us listening outside only to hear a loud squelch and then an ear-peircing scream. The poor chap had just ripped his anus in twain. Actually ripped his anal sphynchter! He then had to endure a couple more minutes of agony as he crimped out the remainder of the shite with us nearly dying of laughter nad him busting a lung from screaming.
Dont eat that many constipation biscuits in one go.
On the subject of ripped anuses (ani?) i once ran out of toilet paper in the loo in Newark Airport while on hols in the US. I had to use the disposable grease-paper like thing that you put over the toilet seat to wipe my arse. I managed to put the edge of the serated paper right in the midle of the wad and so proceeded to give myself a very painful paper-cut on my anus. I couldnt sit down all day. youch.
ENOUGH!
(Fri 7th May 2004, 5:53, More)
Stories from Army Cadets and OTC (quite lengthy)
In ze Army, as part of the ration pack thats issued to prospective cannon fodder, we are given nasty biscuit things called 'Biscuit Browns'. They taste so-so but their real use is that they are very good constipators - something that is a great boon when u are sent off on a 2-day excercise and dont want to shit in the open (to remain 'covert' or something). This means that you eat all your biscuits and then dont shit for about 5 days.
The return from a weekend camp would hold a highly amusing game because the return of your bowel function was granted swiftly and ferociously, often giving the hapless commando about 15 seconds between onset of "hmm, i think i need to dump" and "Oh bollocks ive cacked me khakis".
We often had a shouted countdown as someone put up their hand to ask to go to the loo and then just gave up and bolted out the door. Fun.
Once in CCF (cadet thing at school) the NCOs (all the 6th years basically) congregated around one of the cubicles because someone had managed to do the widest shit anyone had ever seen. It could only be described as a "coke can" due to its massive girth but diminutive length. We eventually found out that the turd was produced by a fat kid in 4th year who we quite unaffectionately called 'Cartman'.
Also highly funny and to do with the aforementioned biscuits:
One of our mates in OTC once decided to eat 6 peoples' rations of biscuit browns in one go. He didnt crap for about 2 and a half weeks but when he did he made off for the toilet at a fair trot followed by all of us in fits of laughter. He then sat down in a cubicle with us listening outside only to hear a loud squelch and then an ear-peircing scream. The poor chap had just ripped his anus in twain. Actually ripped his anal sphynchter! He then had to endure a couple more minutes of agony as he crimped out the remainder of the shite with us nearly dying of laughter nad him busting a lung from screaming.
Dont eat that many constipation biscuits in one go.
On the subject of ripped anuses (ani?) i once ran out of toilet paper in the loo in Newark Airport while on hols in the US. I had to use the disposable grease-paper like thing that you put over the toilet seat to wipe my arse. I managed to put the edge of the serated paper right in the midle of the wad and so proceeded to give myself a very painful paper-cut on my anus. I couldnt sit down all day. youch.
ENOUGH!
(Fri 7th May 2004, 5:53, More)
» Shit Stories
SOOooo many stories of poo
Starting with most recent...
In halls at Uni we had a Phantom Shitter who terrorised our fair building for about a week. Each day he'd poo somewhere new. It started with the showers and went on to the flower pots outside, the canteen floor and finally, his crowning achievment, pooing on the "brown spot" of the snooker table. He was never caught.
As a young scamp in primary school, my friends and i were slightly intrigued by poo. One day my friend decided to bring a crap into school wrapped in toilet paper. It was very funny. Then the next day my other friend, who was more odd than most, said he had done the same. He then produced a poo from his pocket that wasnt wrapped in anything. We ran away.
Another time at rugby (we were forced) i decided to take a shit on the changing room bench - it was a sort of ploppy dropping type. Some older boys then came into the room and proceeded to laugh about how "some cat has cacked on the fucking bench".
Thats all for now. Oh except that the odd boy who brought the unwrapped poo used to put a rubber pig up his arse and throw it at the girls in our class. Ugh. I wonder where he is today?
(Thu 6th May 2004, 16:27, More)
SOOooo many stories of poo
Starting with most recent...
In halls at Uni we had a Phantom Shitter who terrorised our fair building for about a week. Each day he'd poo somewhere new. It started with the showers and went on to the flower pots outside, the canteen floor and finally, his crowning achievment, pooing on the "brown spot" of the snooker table. He was never caught.
As a young scamp in primary school, my friends and i were slightly intrigued by poo. One day my friend decided to bring a crap into school wrapped in toilet paper. It was very funny. Then the next day my other friend, who was more odd than most, said he had done the same. He then produced a poo from his pocket that wasnt wrapped in anything. We ran away.
Another time at rugby (we were forced) i decided to take a shit on the changing room bench - it was a sort of ploppy dropping type. Some older boys then came into the room and proceeded to laugh about how "some cat has cacked on the fucking bench".
Thats all for now. Oh except that the odd boy who brought the unwrapped poo used to put a rubber pig up his arse and throw it at the girls in our class. Ugh. I wonder where he is today?
(Thu 6th May 2004, 16:27, More)