Monthly Archives: May 2017

Three lines that Corbyn should definitely use in the TV election debate

So Corbyn is doing the BBC election debate whilst Theresa isn’t.

Watch the video where she says she’s not doing it – yes, live on TV she says she’s not doing TV.

It’s been a wonderful bind for Theresa May. Do the debate and she looks shit because she’s not very good at this stuff.

Doesn’t do it and she looks weak.

We all know Corbyn likes to crowdsource parliamentary questions so here’s three funny lines he should deffo use tonight.

1. “Bricks it means bricks it”

2. “You turn up if you want to. The lady’s not for turning up”

3. “As I’d say to your boss if she’s was here…”

We also enjoyed these four tweets:





And as @Johnnypaige says, “Theresa May: not even strong enough to turn up to a debate, let alone negotiate Brexit. there’s your attack line, Labour”

This hearse doing a corkscrew jump is the animated gif tribute to Roger Moore you were waiting to see

Barnesy from our boards has done us proud with this animated tribute to the great, late Roger Moore:

Roger Moore’s funeral


Based on the famous scene in The Man With A Golden Gun where Bond leaps over a river, accompanied by a terrible sound effect.

We caught up with Barnesy and congratulated him on his work:

“Thanks. Nice to get a good reception on a post – I hardly manage to get time for it these days, what with parenting and all. I don’t often get ideas any more either but this one needed doing when it popped into my head!

“I hesitated to put it on my own Facebook. Not sure why – maybe I thought the intended silly/tribute tone may be lost. I’m happy to see it on yours whatever.”

And there’s more

Fascinatingly we’ve learnt from this superb article that this “corkscrew” stunt was the first computer modelled stunt.

Yep, they had to film it for real as this was pre CGI, but used extensive computer modelling to make sure the shot was right first time. And no one died.

Anyway. Well done Barnesy for such a perfectly formed tribute.

Three best B3ta photoshops to remember John Noakes by

We asked B3tans to pay tribute to John Noakes using the tools that they know best and the results are making us emotional.

And here’s the best three:

1. “Here’s one we made earlier” by HappyToast

2. “Where to now lad?” by S4RK

3. “Only the brave may sit” by Monkeon

There’s several other great entries in the ob3tuaries challenge so do check them out.

Sponsored by Walkers Crisps – It’s the Official Fred West Fan Club Newsletter!

This Week:

  • REMEMBERING MUNKT0N – with 2003 board invasion
  • IMAGE CHALLENGE – Anti tory posters
  • ROGER MOORE – Remembrance & nostalgia B3ta stlye

    B3ta email 674 – 26 May 2017

    Read this issue in your pants:

    Friend b3ta on Facebook:


    Delighted by the warm response our comeback has had & if you want to help there’s one thing we need: Facebook likes.

    The reality of modern publishing is you need a strong Facebook page to get stuff in front of people. We used to do this via newsletter.

    We’re absolutely going to continue the newsletter but we need a strong Facebook page. Like the fuck out of it. Now.

    Look at Them Shine – Garrick Theatre

    Feat: Sara Pascoe, Jason Byrne, Brian Gittins, Tom Allen, John Kearns

    A Comedy night, like Live In The Apollo without that dude in the wig Michael Macintyre telling you that you trust the fridge… WHO SAYS I TRUST THE FRIDGE? NOBODY! I DON’T TRUST ANYONE! LET ALONE THE FRIDGE.


    BTW: No we were fibbing about being sponsored by Walkers Crisps. Sorry. Rabbit Rabbit comedy is our sponsor. Be nice to them and buy their tickets. Go on.

    Three way bye-bye from everyone at b3ta

  • BEST ROGER MOORE STORY YOU’LL EVER READ – It’s been a rotten week but this story about a chap meeting Roger Moore as a child and then again as an adult really lifted our mood and hopefully it’ll do the same for you. Thanks to Marc Haynes for sharing.

  • ROGER MOORE FLASH NOSTALGIA – Back in B3ta 55 we published Dan Chamber’s Flash animation about Roger Moore so today we got back in touch and asked him to get it on YouTube. It’s great – double nostalgia of old B3ta and the dearly departed Rog. And how’s Dan? He’s well, he’s still in animation and done loads of kids TV and adverts in the er… last 15 or so years since we last caught up. Yay.

  • ROGER PHOTOSHOPS – Some Roger Moore tributes from our ob3tuaries challenge. Not the best possible taste but they were made with love.


    Jonti Picking, of badger badger badger fame wants your money. Patreon stuff init. He says “Making animations is not easy, quick or cheap so if you like what we do then your support REALLY helps and gives us the freedom to create the things you love, without compromising.” Go on, bung the old sausage 50p.

    Other than making suspicious jam

  • ANDREW MARR WEATHER – @area writes, “My significant other has decreed that ‘The Andrew Marr Show’ is required viewing since we started dating. It didn’t take me long to realise what my favourite bit of it is, and as a result I’ve now started a Twitter account solely to document Andrew Marr introducing the weather forecast”

    We asked WHY they enjoyed this bit so much and area replied, ‘They’re just needlessly overwritten. He could just say “Here’s Louise with the weather”, but instead he says “It’s been a rather desolate, bone-aching and frankly soul-destroying week, meteorologically, and I wish I could think of something good to say about it. But I can’t. Over to Louise”.’

  • THERESA MAY ELECTION SONG – “I made another musical video, this time about Theresa May’s campaign strategy” writes the b3ta artist formerly known as giant_squid. We thought we’d hate this but it’s great.

  • ELECTION POSTERS – if you hadn’t noticed there’s an election on. “I been doing these anti-tory posters writes”, long term b3tan Darren Cullen AKA Spelling Mistakes Cost Lives, “I’ve been making anti-Tory propaganda you can download and print in your home, office, or local closed & dilapidated library.”

  • HISTORY OF MUSIC – James Errington writes, “I’m making a mix of music / audio for every year since the start of sound recording. So far I’ve got up to 1890.”

  • WALKERS CRISPS FUCK-UP Amazing screw up from Walkers – they allowed unmoderated photos into their official Twitter account and tweeting out videos of murderers & sex offenders. And of course we’ve saved the video so you can watch coz they obviously deleted all this shit ASAP.

  • BBC BROASDCAST BAD TASTE IAN BRADY RADIO QUIZ – Make sure you listen to this radio clip as a cheesy local radio host decided to commit career suicide by doing a jolly music quiz about Ian Brady. Unbelievable.

    BTW: If anyone has a follow up on this story we’d like to know. BBC apologised & Nathan Turvey deleted account. But we’re still puzzled by it. It’s been forgotten in the horror of the week but still want to know why he did this. Not outraged. Fascinated. Weird thing to do in context of BBC local radio.


    Old school b3tan Munkt0n of B3ta AND 4rthur fame sadly passed on this week but it prompted B3tans of 2003 vintage to stage a board invasion in tribute to the lovely old chap. It’s a fitting tribute and seeing all the old names puts a lump in our throat.

    All the good stuff from /board


  • IMPORTANT GENERAL ELECTION INFO – this is getting loads of shares on Facebook and hopefully people understand it’s a gag rather than fake news. (Barbarossa)

  • “Post Manchester Bombing Social Media Immigration Discussion Bingo” – (Artist: Drimble)

    This week: Anti Tory Election Posters

    Make some new election posters for the Conservative party. Bonus points for printing them off and sticking them up in public, like the internet anarchists you are.

    Look at Them Shine – Garrick Theatre

    Feat: Sara Pascoe, Jason Byrne, Brian Gittins, Tom Allen, John Kearns

    A Comedy night, like Live In The Apollo without that dude in the wig Michael Macintyre telling you that you trust the fridge… WHO SAYS I TRUST THE FRIDGE? NOBODY! I DON’T TRUST ANYONE! LET ALONE THE FRIDGE.


    : CREDIT
    Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevenson.
    Newsletter subj by CanonCaliber & sock.

    Follow b3ta on Twitter:

    TOP TIP: NEED TO GET FROM MY HOUSE TO THE DOCTORS IN 3 MINS AT SCHOOL RUSH HOUR? – Go into Peterborough Road, right onto Canterbury Road, turn right onto Northway and dogleg across Aldershot Road down Beckingham Road, take a left into Grantley Road and follow Weston Road round. (NB: of limited use to most people on the board). (shavedchimp)

  • Oops! Walkers Crisps tweet videos of murderers and sex offenders in a “fully-fledged social media disaster”

    “This is not a drill. This is not a drill. Fully-fledged social media disaster currently underway on the Walkers Crisps feed” writes Buzzfeed journalist @Jimwaterson.

    Amazing screw up from @walkers_crisps – they’ve allowed unmoderated photos into their official Twitter account and it’s now tweeting out videos of murderers & sex offenders.

    Watch the videos!

    Here’s the sex offender Rolf Harris video – saved for you in case they delete it:

    And murderer Fred West one:

    Enjoy the screen grabs!

    Murderer Fred West, lovingly cradled in Gary Lineker’s arms!

    Granny murderer Harold Shipman as held by BBC football commentator Gary Lineker!

    Sex offender and kangaroo artist Rolf Harris, once again held by ex-footballer Gary Lineker!

    Who’s that? It’s sex offender Sir Jimmy Savile, the photo thereof held by Gary Lineker (who once shat on the pitch)

    And finally murderer Josef Fritzl. And who could that be holding him? Yep it’s Gary Lineker. Phew.

    So how did this happen?

    Well if you allow members of the public to upload their face and have that appear on the main Walkers twitter account – well you can guess the rest.


    And let’s go over live to the internet for some reactions




    Epic PR fuck ups is the shit we live for basically

    As Elliot Reuben writes, “B3ta and a brand allowing unmoderated content? What is this? 2009? It’s like listening to a nostalgia pop radio station of the internet. Marvellous.”

    “Couldn’t have happened to a better company revenge for making such shit crisps 😂” writes @Scotrean.

    “2017 has peaked” writes @_johnnykelly.

    UPDATE: Amazing. An anonymous B3ta reader has archived ALL the offending videos off to a Google drive – fill your boots. FILL YOUR BOOTS!

    UPDATE2: And it’s been closed down. Boo! The fun is over!

    So DOES Gary shag crisps?

    The internet is captioning this sinister photo of Trump & The Pope

    Today it’s all about the captions on this sinister photo.

    We’ll start off with some B3ta captions prompted by our tweet before moving to the wider internet.

    “Trump oversees merger of Vatican and Scottish Widows” writes Gareth Anthony James.

    “The funeral coincided with one of senile Grandpa’s rare happy days” writes @Vichoon.

    “I’d watch the fuck out of this Rosemary’s Baby sequel” says @Robmanuel.

    “The Abba boys aged a lot worse than the girls” points out @Financejames.

    “The final boss progression of the new Mortal Kombat looks brutal” notes @Tombutler over on Twitter.

    “Fester? Is it really you?” asks @Buscemian.

    “Bucks Fizz announce new tour dates.” writes @Sporrington.

    OK. That’s your lot for B3ta ones for the moment… Let’s get on with the wider internet






    And finally, “Donald Trump doesn’t care about the Pope, he has plenty of guys in white robes who support him.” says @Ohnoshetwitnt.

    Is it just us or does Linkedin’s new project Open19’s logo basically read as “penis”?

    Also we’re excited to revive the Phallic Logo Award with this late but spectacular entry from Linkedin.

    It’s admittedly controversial by being largely text but the judges have consulted the rulebook and it’s still valid.

    We can’t quite believe that anyone let this through as their logo.

    Surely it’s designers hating their jobs?

    Surely it’s designers telling their bosses that they are cocks in the best possible way: by sticking it in the logo.

    Look there’s people standing below it!

    And more people!

    B3ta salutes these fine trollish designers. You’re doing your civic duty.

    If you want to know what the Open19 initiative is actually about then The Reg is your friend.

    The Phallic Logo Award will be a big event this year: black-tie, TV coverage & celebs.

    Make sure you don’t miss it and get your entries in via the usual channels.

    This story about Roger Moore meeting a fan is what you need right now to lift your spirits

    TV and radio writer Marc Haynes captured the nation’s mood today, when following the terrible news in Manchester we also learned that Roger Moore had sadly passed on.

    Marc wrote a story on Facebook about meeting Moore a couple of times: once as a child, and once as an adult.

    And in the words of kids today, “it’s all of the feels”

    This story vent viral via  Twitter with the fabulous title “This truly wonderful Roger story is soothing my aching soul” but here’s the actual text rather than a screen-grab, and with permission from Marc:

    As an seven year old in about 1983, in the days before First Class Lounges at airports, I was with my grandad in Nice Airport and saw Roger Moore sitting at the departure gate, reading a paper. I told my granddad I’d just seen James Bond and asked if we could go over so I could get his autograph. My grandad had no idea who James Bond or Roger Moore were, so we walked over and he popped me in front of Roger Moore, with the words “my grandson says you’re famous. Can you sign this?”As charming as you’d expect, Roger asks my name and duly signs the back of my plane ticket, a fulsome note full of best wishes. I’m ecstatic, but as we head back to our seats, I glance down at the signature. It’s hard to decipher it but it definitely doesn’t say ‘James Bond’. My grandad looks at it, half figures out it says ‘Roger Moore’ – I have absolutely no idea who that is, and my hearts sinks. I tell my grandad he’s signed it wrong, that he’s put someone else’s name – so my grandad heads back to Roger Moore, holding the ticket which he’s only just signed.

    I remember staying by our seats and my grandad saying “he says you’ve signed the wrong name. He says your name is James Bond.” Roger Moore’s face crinkled up with realisation and he beckoned me over. When I was by his knee, he leant over, looked from side to side, raised an eyebrow and in a hushed voice said to me, “I have to sign my name as ‘Roger Moore’ because otherwise…Blofeld might find out I was here.” He asked me not to tell anyone that I’d just seen James Bond, and he thanked me for keeping his secret. I went back to our seats, my nerves absolutely jangling with delight. My grandad asked me if he’d signed ‘James Bond.’ No, I said. I’d got it wrong. I was working with James Bond now.

    Many, many years later, I was working as a scriptwriter on a recording that involved UNICEF, and Roger Moore was doing a piece to camera as an ambassador. He was completely lovely and while the cameramen were setting up, I told him in passing the story of when I met him in Nice Airport. He was happy to hear it, and he had a chuckle and said “Well, I don’t remember but I’m glad you got to meet James Bond.” So that was lovely.

    And then he did something so brilliant. After the filming, he walked past me in the corridor, heading out to his car – but as he got level, he paused, looked both ways, raised an eyebrow and in a hushed voice said, “Of course I remember our meeting in Nice. But I didn’t say anything in there, because those cameramen – any one of them could be working for Blofeld.”

    I was as delighted at 30 as I had been at 7. What a man. What a tremendous man.

    Amazing isn’t it? We welled up a little reading it and we also got in touch with Marc for a quick chat:

    B3ta: How’s it going? Great Roger Moore story!

    Marc: I met him twice and now I’ve seen a description of me as “Roger Moore superfan.” Ye gods

    B3ta: Nice moment – you broke the mood from stunned horror at Manchester to bittersweet love / melancholy for Moore. You are today, the nation’s DJ – switching us up.

    Marc: All I ever wanted to be is Neil Fox.

    B3ta: Any comment about your story being so widely shared?

    Marc: I think it’s a reflection of how much people have genuine affection for Roger Moore. He was lovely to me both times I met him, and I think that’s what people instinctively felt he was like from seeing him on the screen – that he was a really nice guy. And when I met him, that’s exactly what he was

    B3ta: You’re also part of the Bond podcast SmershPod – can you recommend an episode?

    Marc: The last one covered Moonraker with Al Murray and it’s great. They LOVE that film which is weird because I can’t stand it. Give me Octopussy any day

    B3ta: Is Octopussy your Roger Moore recommendation?

    Marc: Man With The Golden Gun is the best. And View to A Kill bad, but great. But Octopussy – first love never dies.

    B3ta: We’ve been looking for photos…

    Marc: That’s amazing. I hope the papers lead with that shot on the front cover tomorrow.

    Anyway thanks to Marc Haynes for sharing his story and cheering us all up.

    UPDATE: And here’s the autograph

    Watch this video of Theresa May’s nervous thumb tic – she’s not the strong and stable person she pretends to be

    So called “strong and stable” Theresa May is anything but, as comedy writer Jason Hazely points out:

    Watch the Prime Minister’s right thumb. When she appears in public, it twitches like a trapped rodent. She is a nervous wreck – quite understandably, frankly. But, in poker terms, it is her ‘tell’.

    We were desperate to see footage of this and look what turned up in our replies: Phil Hunter who says, “I took a video of this when I noticed it.”

    Man, see that thumb go! She’s digging to Australia with that thing.

    But why is she doing this? Of course the internet has their theories:

    “I think she’s communicating with the grasshoppers” writes @Davechurchley.

    “It reminds me of an elephant drinking.” says @Chrisshaweditor.

    “It’s like a denuded Fingermouse has relocated to her thumb and then started to manically self-felate. Terrifying” writes David Benjamin Memmott.

    “She’s squeezing a pin to try and stop herself from eating a child in full view of the media” writes @Gavincurnow.

    “You just made me watch May lightly wanking a ghost. I hate you.” writes @Mvrander.

    “The thumbs don’t add up.” says @Cohendave.

    Weak and wobbly Theresa. It’s all in the thumbs

    If you see more of Theresa’s thumb go wild in this election cycle then get in touch.


    And B3tan Happy Toast has been delivering the photoshop work

    Join us on Twitter at #thumbwatch for more sightings of old glum bucket’s thumbs