Your answers to our “work related fuck-ups” question will improve any bad day.
We asked over on Twitter that “We want to hear about your work related fuck-ups” and the answers flooded in.
We want to hear about your work related fuck-ups. Reply, quote tweet, do your worst.
— b3ta (@b3ta) May 3, 2018
We’ve picked just a few of our favourites but really there’s so many more on the actual thread and we’re not even including the eye-popping Ketamine story as it’s multithread and you should just go and read it on Twitter.
But seriously – if you’re ever having a bad day at work, come back to this page and read how so many people have fucked up worse.
Glorious stuff – so much hilarious incompetence, and we’re picked just 16 and we could have picked so many more:
1. Pizza fuck-up
Work experience at ASDA pizza counter. All topping measured in a universal cup size. Sweet old woman ordered the ‘hot’ pizza. Shovelled on a cup of chillis and thought ‘that looks a bit much’. Told later the chillis are measured in a cup a tenth of the size. Probably killed her.
— Tobby Watson (@chas_hodges) May 3, 2018
2. Autocorrect fuck-up
Accidentally pressed “correct all” instead of “cancel” when spellchecking a feature I’d written about a local businesswoman. The next day I got a call from her husband asking why The Birmingham Post had printed an article naming his wife “Natasha Psychopath”.
— Joanna Geary ⚡ (@JoannaG) May 3, 2018
3. Jam fuck-up
My friend who did WE on the ASDA bakery at the same time set a donut jam machine to fill a donut with 666 shots of jam rather than 6 as the button got stuck. Saw it pumping like mad and just went home. Stain remained on their floor for MONTHS.
— Tobby Watson (@chas_hodges) May 3, 2018
4. Virus fuck-up
I once sent a company wide virus warning by forwarding the email so they could see what it looked like should they receive one, and forgot to remove the infected attachment.
— Regrets? I’ve had a few… (@Entropy72) May 3, 2018
5. Music fuck-up
Was asked to make a really cheesy playlist for award winners at an annual do, but no one told me the actual winners. Cue the Islamic Society winning Campaigners of the Year to, “Do they know its Christmastime”.
Just that bit, on repeat. Very long walk to the stage.
— Sarah Kerton (@sarkerton) May 3, 2018
6. Stepladder fuck-up
First day of job in educational reference library located in old primary school hall with floor to ceiling windows. Couldn’t see computer screen due to sun, so tried to pull heavy duty curtains. The whole lot came down, inc. guy on step ladder who’d just finished hanging them.
— I don’t like divas or double daffodils (@wumblemacdumble) May 3, 2018
7. Teaching fuck-up
This series of shenanigans is mirrored in why I left teaching.
One wee eleven year old asked me how I was feeling after my aunt died and I said ‘better than her’ and she started crying.
— a kind of unstable idiot (@CaitMcMillion) May 3, 2018
8. Milkshake fuck-up
Not me, but when working at Burger King, my friend (and colleague at the time) accidentally put mayonnaise instead of shake mix in the milkshake machine. We told no one and only had one or two complaints. Everyone else obviously loved their chocolate mayonnaise.
— Paul Thorpe (@bracestower) May 3, 2018
9. Catheter fuck-up
As a young, newly qualified nurse I had to catheterise an 18 year old young man. He was obviously nervous. As I was about to begin he asked “Is it small?” I replied “I’ve seen smaller.” Turns out he was referring to the catheter 🤦🏼♀️
— Polly Gallagher (@Polly_Gall) May 3, 2018
10. Smoking fuck-up
Worked as a GP receptionist. Had to update their smoking cessation data, which meant ringing registered patients to ask if they’d thought of quitting. Phoned Mr *Smith*, his wife answered. I asked if he could come to the phone, she said he was dead. I said “so not a smoker then?”
— Emily Burt (@EmilyPBurt) May 3, 2018
11. Reply fuck-up
Spent six months with the typo “kind retards” in my email signature. I was Senior Nurse, Learning Disabilities.😳
— Nic-o-la (@Nicnackery) May 3, 2018
12. Twitter fuck-up
Mixed up my personal FB account and the Sky FB account during the Leveson Inquiry and publically slagged off Murdoch on the corporate account
— Michaela Gardner (@hey_micky) May 3, 2018
13. Greenpeace fuck-up (from b3ta editor Rob)
Working at small agency & our big client was Greenpeace. An email came in from supporter asking what we were going to do about saving the whales. Sent group email to office saying “the plan is to eat them – the white meat of the sea” And yes accidentally sent it to supporter…
— Rob Manuel (@robmanuel) May 3, 2018
14. Coffee fuck-up
I ran two coffee jugs of cleaning acid through the coffee machines (it looked like water) and served a cup to the visiting area manager, on my first day at the Deep Pan Pizza Company in Purley.
— ThinkyThoughtHead (@mrstth) May 3, 2018
15. Mushroom fuck-up
Not me, but my favourite is a friend who worked at a gardening magazine. They ran a double spread of poisonous & safe-to-eat wild British mushrooms, but got the labels the wrong way around. All the poisonous ones marked as safe & vice versa☠🤦♀️
— Alice Ralph (@alicaurusrex) May 3, 2018
16. Sausage fuck-up
Someone once thought the comments field on an automated payments system wasn’t actually used for anything, until we had an enquiry from hundreds of contractors asking why our cheques had “oy oy saveloy!” printed on them.
— Simon (@intruth) May 3, 2018
And finally – one more which had us going “well, did he?”
Whilst arranging filming of a talk by the late Stephen Hawking i was wondering where we should put the mic and mistakingly asked what my brain was thinking. “does he have a line out for audio?”
— martin (@marvinius) May 4, 2018
Thanks for everyone for taking part and thanks for being so wonderfully crap.
Top image by @happytoast