NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 132: "SMEARING OUR SHITTY COCK ON YOUR TITS"
This Week:
* WEEBL - his finest work yet
* FIREWORKS - ooh lots of pretty fireworks
* B3TA RADIO - Putting your foot in your mouth
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 132 - 23 Apr 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Weebl, Fireworks, and Brian Blessed
>> Weebl & Lasers <<
Jonti hoped to get his latest episode of
Weebl & Bob into the last newsletter but he
didn't finish it in time. He pleaded with us
to delay the newsletter, "God man! It's my
best work yet!" Anyway, it's finished now
and a mighty fine thing it is too.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/Team%20Laser%20Explosi...
>> Firework stupidity <<
"My name's Ross", writes er... Ross, "I've been
filming my mates doing various unorthodox things
with fireworks. The best bit is near the end
where the next door neighbour has a bit of a
benny!" Understandable, since he's nearly met
a flaming death.
http://www.rossb.co.uk/fireworks/
>> Brian Blessed TV ad <<
Mr Wheatley has spent much of his recent time
buggering about with modifying found video.
Here he's taken a Japanese commercial and
added the magic ingredient of Brian Blessed.
This is what Lost in Translation should have
been like.
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/gordan2.html
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: HUMAN ZOO
People you don't want to meet
If b3ta wasn't busy running a website we'd
like to open a Human Zoo, with people instead
of animals. So put your flippers together and
throw some fish to our specimens.
>> Man in tights <<
If you're looking for new wallpaper to stick on
your boss's PC whilst he's out having a drunken
lunch, you could do worse than this selection
of pictures of our new favourite German wearing
tights photoshopped into a fantasy setting. We'd
say it was seemless, but it's more crotchless.
http://modgirl.yafro.com/photo/6732
>> Fat bloke in Tron suit <<
Science fiction can breed a strange madness in
people. Jay Maynard is a big fan of cult 80s
film Tron and we're a big fan of him. This
has been one of the most popular links on
the internet this week.
http://www.ibiblio.org/jmaynard/TRONcostume/
>> Extremely fat man in a dress <<
What can be better than the joyful sight
of a cross-dressing lard-bucket eating a
huge bag of crisps? Surely this is what Tim
Berners-Lee had in mind when he created the
web.
http://modgirl.yafro.com/photo/6732
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Boob scotch song <<
Latter-day bluesman Bob Log III is a certified
genius. Tap your toe to this great video,
wherein he propounds his new cocktail idea.
It's scotch and ice, but mixed together with
the breasts of every lady in the room. That's
for men obviously. We don't want to think
about the equivalent for ladies. It would
probably have sparkling white wine in it. Eww.
http://media.epitaph.com/epicenter/core/133/308/35...
>> Cut-down Kirk <<
William Shatner is the finest actor of his
generation, there can be no argument about
that. This eerie short Flash sees the great
man displaying his full range of acting chops
and simultaneously conjures the very best of
the Star Trek franchise in condensed form.
http://khaaan.com/
>> Stupid dog <<
They say to always lock up your pets on Bonfire
Night. Ostensibly this is because otherwise
the poor creatures will be scared. That is
clearly a lie. This vid shows the plain truth.
Given the chance, your dog would go on a
destructive, firework-wielding rampage.
http://www.fl4.net/rden/stupidDog.wmv
>> No frills custom car <<
We're crap with cars and can't even drive, so
imagine our respect for people who spend their
every waking moment dreaming ways to fine-tune
their vehicle into an awesome techno-steed. Now
double that figure to approach our feelings
for the hapless Gaz who bravely brings the
spirit of Blue Peter to his customised Vauxhall
Nova - total budget £30.
http://www.migweb.co.uk/forums/showthread.php
>> Firework stunt <<
We've all been there. You've got a whole box
of fireworks, a crash helmet and a foolish
mate. As bad ideas go, this one should win
some sort of prize: Does it hurt to have a
twenty rockets fired at you? The resulting
video clip isn't remotely funny, but it is
spectacular. One gets the impression that the
unfortunate volunteer could be blinded at
any moment.
http://www.chiseen.com/vidshare/md/human_target.ht...
>> Honesty stamps <<
A wonderful idea if you find yourself having
to use the same phrases over and over. Avoid
writer's cramp by purchasing rubber stamps of
the most common. We've ordered "In all my
life I've never met anyone as beautiful as
you" and "I swear on my mother's grave I'll
never do that again." They didn't have one
about wanking, so we got the nearest
equivalent.
http://www.mosleymeetswilcox.com/shop/shopstamps.h...
>> Mummified cat adventures <<
You're cleaning under your house and find a
horrific-looking mummified cat. You or I might
say "Eww" and throw it out. But that would be
such a waste. See what fun this man has with
one, taking it on an otherwise humdrum day
repairing his car. We expect to see him and
his cat on America's Most Wanted Serial
Killers in the next couple of years.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ilblissli/20266.h...#t13866
>> Ultimate Star Wars toy <<
Star Wars merchandise is all very well, but why
do they always stick to the small stuff, people,
animals, and the like? These are mere child's
toys and we hanker for bigger things. Things
like this scale model of the frankly colossal
spaceship from the opening scenes of the first
film. You can play for ages with it, crush your
foes and when you're done you can use it as a
novelty coffin. Neat-O.
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll
>> Cat freak encyclopaedia <<
Like cats, but getting a bit... jaded? Have a
gander at this comprehensive study of freakish,
mutant cats. Apparently you should never call
conjoined kittens 'Siamese kittens' - it
confuses them. Standout quote for us: "the
eerie sound of two muzzles crying." Possibly
not for the easily upset.
http://www.messybeast.com/freak-cats.htm
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: B3TA RADIO
Putting your foot in it.
We've been asking for your tales about
social gaffes for our radio show.
Our favourite stories include:
* "There was a hot music teacher at my
school, called Mrs. Brogden. My friend
Badger was having a conversation with me
and a few other friends, his back to the
rest of the playground. We were discussing
teachers at the time. She walked up behind
him, about to ask one of us a question
about some music coursework, opened her
mouth and right on cue Badger said
something along the lines of how he'd
love to fuck Mrs. Brogden in the arse
and smear his shitty cock on her tits.
Her mouth didn't close, just hung there,
face white with shock/terror. She walked
off without saying anything. (John Doe)
* "My mum was finishing her shopping and
making her way home, she got stopped by a
Big Issue seller. Seeing that the guy only
had 1 copy left in his hand, she agreed to
buy and said 'Oh that's your last one, you
can go home. (Beaston)
* "As a young and hopelessly naive teenager
I'd heard many friends refer to 'Licking Out'.
Having no idea what this referred to but
assuming tongues where involved - I equated
the phrase with 'French Kissing.' Anyway months
later my Dad took me and my little brother to
pick up my older step-sister from the train
station for her regular visit. As usual we
immediately got chatting in the car on the
way home. 'So!' she said 'Who do you fancy at
school then?' 'Well,' I replied, 'there's this
girl in English called Sally... I'd lick her
out.'" (microsaulxp)
All this and more can be read here:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/foot_in_mouth/
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: BIT TORRENT TV
What we've been watching this week
Bit Torrent rocks. It's totally changed the
way we watch TV. We can now download the
stuff we actually want to see and view it in
our own time.
The crappy news this week is that one of the
main sites - torrentz.com - has gone down, due
to the internet curse of bandwidth and legal
problems. However Suprnova is still working
lovely.
To download telly you need to install a client.
There are many many, but for PCs we prefer ABC.
http://pingpong-abc.sourceforge.net/download.html
This week we've been watching...
>> Takeshi's Castle <<
We salute the genius of Japanese television
producers. They've dispensed with any ideas
of fair play and competition and reduced the
gameshow format down to ways to generate shots
of people being hurt and humiliated. Genius.
>> The Tripods <<
The 80's kids' sci-fi show that killed Dr Who
has turned up on SuprNova. We've caught about
3 episodes so far and it's a mixed blessing.
It's slow and the acting is terrible. However,
the story is gripping and the Tripods still look
cool. Worth having a look if you enjoyed it
20 years ago, but probably not recommended
to younger readers.
>> South Park <<
As it's open season on Michael Jackson, Matt
Stone and Trey Parker are taking their best
shot. Interestingly, they've concentrated on
the "he's a bad parent" angle. Which is er..
quit reasonable really. Last week's Awesom-O
episode was funnier, focusing on the
relationship between Cartman and Butters
- our favourite character the show
has produced.
All this stuff and more is available via
the usual suspect of:
http://www.suprnova.org/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Bowl of Kittens
B3ta regular Casey has been photographing
kittens in bowls. They are the cutest thing
in the world in convenient portable form.
Can you come up with better?
http://photos.caseyporn.com/show.php
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Secret Government
Departments Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted secret government
departments that are responsible for ruining
your lives:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/secretgovernmentdepartme...
We asked b3ta boarder Sue Denham to judge
the entries - here are her 3 faves.
Sue writes -
#1 "Wrong number - this made me laugh too much.
I'm just imagining the pile at the bottom of
the building. (Bad Horsey)
http://b3ta.com/board/3051727
#2 "VATman - Thanks for proving that, beneath
the meek and mild exterior, a superhero lurks
in every goverment desk jockey. (IceZebra)
http://b3ta.com/board/3052259
#3 "Flashy thing - now you know what the MIB
get up to when they aren't covering up the
presence of aliens. Bastards." (Sponge Monkey)
http://b3ta.com/board/3052678
"Special mention must go to AmazonGirl for
entering something that isn't exactly a secret
department, but does explain an awful lot."
http://b3ta.com/board/3067565
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week,the challenge dictator was back,
nostalgic for happier times. He wants to know
what life would be like "If the Commies had
won the Cold War."
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ifthecommieshadwon/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BABY PHOTOS - last week we linked to a site
with tonnes of photos of a baby hanging
out with celebs. 100s of you wrote in to
say you've discovered that the Baby's father
is an actor called Michael Zorek who played
"Man" in "Can't Hurry Love". Actually, the
actor himself wrote to us trying to blag
a free t-shirt. Cheeky monkey.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0957905/
* HUMAN CATAPULTS - we asked you to build
a slingshot that could throw people. Several
of you wrote in to say that extreme sports
groups have been offering this for a few
years and there have been numerous
casualties. Bugger.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* USB REMOTE CONTROL CARS WITH BUILT IN
WIRELESS VIDEO CAMERAS - how cool would that
be? Control the car via your computer
keyboard with a video relay back to your PC
so you can see what the car sees. Could be
the office hit of 2005.
* USB BONG - it should both glow when you
such the pipe and have a cooling element
for lovely extra cold smoke. Could be be
the student halls hit of 2005.
* USB MINI CATTLE PRODS - for tormenting and
training ants. Could be the insect
discipline hit of 2005. Yadda yadda.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by people who we'll thank next
week. It's all about the suspense.
Top Tippery by ...we'll tell you next week.
Do you see? Do you?
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by no-one. Oops. (74730)
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TOP TIP:
If you have heat marks on polished furniture
mix cigarette ash with some olive oil, rub the
paste on the mark then buff it off. The mark
will disappear leaving your furniture smelling
cigarette fresh.
