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This Week:
* GOOGLE - Play the "I'm not gay" game
* SUBTITLES - Crap Chinese ones at that
* FUNNY NAMES - Oh shit. They're back

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 176 - 1 Apr 2005

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  Tank vs. football

  "Football pitch invaded by heavyweight player."

  >> Advertise in B3ta <<
  Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.


  Translations, Nose spoon, South Park thing

  >> Chinese film subtitles <<
  Chinese DVD pirates are busy practising a form
  of surrealism unknown in the West. Why bother
  translating a film into Chinese when you can just
  make up what's going on? Scroll down for the
  transcript and marvel at Jude Law's love of
  singing German folk songs. We giggled compulsively
  like Stephen Hawking with a palsied typing finger.

  >> Jelly nose spoon <<
  "We've invented an alternative way of holding
  a spoon and feeding jelly to someone," crows
  Tom Wyatt. A more pointless invention we have
  yet to see. What goes unmentioned is that the
  jelly appears to be in the shape of a cock.
  Simple, retarded joy for the whole family.

  >> Election animation <<
  Ah, Manic.  He loves bullying our prime
  minister. We think he secretly fancies him.
  Anyway, this week he's imagined what it would
  be like if Tony Blair and Michael Howard took
  on the roles of Terrance and Phillip from South
  Park and transferred that image via flash to us.
  Now, having seen into Manic's mind, we secretly
  fancy Tony too. But, alas, he's a married man...


  Curry craze sweeps the nation

  Last week we asked you to cook up and try a dish
  we invented to amuse ourselves whilst waiting
  for our poppadoms in our local curry house.

  Birmingham Egg: Simply take 5 scotch eggs,
  halve them and serve with masala sauce.

  Three of you actually took us up on the offer
  and got cooking in the kitchen. You poor, poor
  people. And you know what? Apparently it's
  an absolutely blinding dish - you bloody
  well love it.

  So thanks to Paul, Lyall Furphy & Mirvio
  for making our B3ta dreams come true. All we
  need now is for a restaurant to put this dish
  on the menu and our work here will be done.
  And if you haven't tried Birmingham Egg yet,
  get to your supermarket before the scotch eggs
  run out. There's going to be a rush, you know.


  It's the return of funny names corner

  >> JVC Minge <<
  Looks like JVC are making more than than shitty
  DVD players. Although we found this funnier
  last night, when we thought it was a JCB Minge.

  >> Wayne Kerr Chemistry <<
  When chemists aren't getting their giggles from
  spiking cough medicine with laxative, they're roaring
  furiously at this "universal bridge" supplier.

  >> Mangina <<
  Obviously a neologism to describe the sight
  of an anus to a dictionary-wielding gay, we're
  happy that Mangina actually exists and she's
  a sports coach. Possibly a lovely lesbian too.


  Steve Coombes - creator of TV's 'Outlaws'

  Last Sunday we got a copy of Outlaws, a BBC legal
  comedy drama set in Manchester. Frankly, we
  didn't leave the house all day, watching all
  12 episodes in one sitting, mouthing the words,
  "It's sooo good. How come no one told us?"
  So we emailed Steve Coombes - the chap who
  created the show - and asked him a few questions
  for your reading pleasure.

>> B3ta: Outline Outlaws in two lines.

  On TV, the police always catch the guy and the
  lawyer always gets him off. In real life and in
  Outlaws, it's the other way round.

>> You did a lot of research for Outlaws - what's
>> the strangest story you *didn't* use?
  My second day out with lawyer down a police
  station. We were waiting for a client in an
  interview room. Suddenly, the door opens and
  two PCs come in and ask: Has anyone seen a gun?
  They've lost one.  We all look for a moment and
  then the PCs disappear. I never used it in
  Outlaws because I didn't think anyone would
  believe it.

  The most surprising thing I discovered is that
  it takes 400 policemen to arrest 4 terrorist
  suspects in Manchester. It then takes the
  detectives another four days to realise their
  tickets to a Man U match (the assumed target of
  their plot) are, in fact, two years out of date
  and just souvenirs.

>> The plots are so packed, what's the secret
>> of fitting it all into 30 mins?

  Originally, Outlaws was going to be 40 mins
  long, but during the research period, such slots
  disappeared from BBC 2.  So we were left with a
  choice: spread to an hour or compress to 30 mins.

  The shorter format suited the choppiness of
  Magistrate Court, so went with it. But we always
  try and put an hour's worth of plot in a show,
  partly to show off and partly because we think
  audiences like it. Our credo was: they're not
  the Fast Show, we are.

>> Where have you been hiding before this?
  I've spent my life failing upwards. I started
  off writing sitcoms like Birds of a Feather,
  failed out of that into comedy dramas like
  Lovejoy or Frank Stubs Promotes and from there
  into straight drama like Roughnecks.

  By the mid-1990s, I was developing my own formats
  for TV whereupon I failed up into films. I had
  comedy made for Working Title and spent far too
  long writing the other film about Kinsey for HBO.

  Eventually, you can only fail up so far,
  whereupon you have to fail back down again
  which is when I started work on Outlaws in May 2002.

>> What's your big unfinished project?

  On and off, I spent five years writing a film
  about Kinsey that never got made. At one point,
  Sydney Pollack was the exec producer, but he
  left to go and act in Eyes Wide Shut.

>> Eastenders - how would you fix it? Go on...
  Bring back Leslie Grantham and give him a camera.
  He obviously likes to film more interesting
  things than the mob they've got now.

>> ...and and and the classic "Tell us a joke"
  This one was told to me by Phil Daniels and is
  the least PC joke I've heard for years.

  Sex shops in Bolton have just introduced a new
  range of ethnic inflatable toys. There's a
  Jewish Princess, a Catholic Madonna and a
  Madonna Buddhist, but by far the most popular
  is the Islamic doll with a Burkah - because
  she blows herself up.

  Go on. Treat yourself. Buy Outlaws on Amazon
  and give yourself something descent to watch.


  I'm Totally Straight, But ...

  A game bloggers have been playing this week,
  is typing "I'm totally straight, but" into
  google this week and finding how random web
  users finish this phrase.

  Favourites include:

  ... I don't mind other sexually aroused males
  in close proximity.

  ... I'm not scared to admit that another man
  is good-looking.

  ... just recently I've been experimenting by
  whilst masturbating I got the gf's sex toy and
  put it up the 'whoopsie'.

  If you can think of any good starting phrases
  for google and produce such good results then
  get in touch.


  Walkman Flashbacks

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we wanted the tracks that trigger
  vivid memories when you hear them:

  * RELAX - Frankie Goes To Hollywood
    "This always makes me cringe: I used to have
    very long hair, half way down my back. On my
    35th birthday, my missus said she was going
    to take me out for a meal and a night in a
    hotel. Anyway, getting ready to go, "Relax"
    came on, so I'm naked, dancing around and
    singing along drying my hair with a pink and
    yellow hair-dryer when my youngest brother
    throws open the door. Unfortunately, all of
    my family and most of my friends behind him
    shouted "surprise!". The surprise party was
    certainly a surprise: to this day, even after
    12 years, if "Relax" is heard by any of my
    family or friends they point at me and laugh."
  * DON'T YOU WANT ME - Human League
    "When I was around three, my parents split up.
    A year or so after that, Don't You Want Me was
    a hit and my dad told me, 'The next time you
    hear that song, you tell your mommy that this
    song is about me and her, okay?' Helping her
    tidy around the house it was on the radio.
    And I told her. And then she got upset and
    had to leave the room. Thanks, Dad. Now that's
    in my head every time the damned song is on."
    (Sydney Bintstow)
  * WHERE IS THE LOVE? - Black Eyed Peas
    "I fucking HATE this song. It's a steamy, wet
    turd of a song. So, I'm in the middle of losing
    my virginity, with Radio 1 on, and what decides
    to grace the airwaves? That song. Cunts. One of
    the most memorable times of my life, and that's
    the fucking soundtrack." (seventhsun)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us the things you simply
  don't understand. Talk to us here:


  I'm totally straight, but I like Malibu Rum
  & Pineapple.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Transparent PC illusion <<
  These chaps have set their PC's wallpaper to
  be whatever is behind the computer, giving an
  impression of having a transparent screen. It's
  really rather clever stuff, though we imagine
  that the sort of person who'd do this would wear
  a t-shirt with a picture of his guts on the
  outside and use his webcam as a mirror. Much
  like our mum.

  >> Couples AMIHOTORNOT <<
  In the glory days of 2000 the big hit of the
  web was AMIHOTORNOT, the site which asked you
  to rate an individual's attractiveness on a score
  of 1 to 10. Variants followed like AMIGOTHORNOT
  to our personal favourite, RATEMYKITTEN. The
  latest introduces a novel twist, showing two
  people side by side and asking whether they'd
  make a good couple. We found it interesting,
  if only to see our opinions continually
  reinforced by others. Pretty people should
  date pretty people and uglies stick with the
  uglies. Where it's safe.

  >> Disco Apache <<
  Ancient readers will remember the Shadows hit,
  Apache, no not the geek web server of choice,
  but a twangy guitar epic created by Hank
  "two-handed wank" Marvin. You probably don't
  remember this 1970s disco remake complete with
  dodgy porn moustaches and red indian disco
  dollies. You will now though.  

  >> Self-flushing cat toilet <<
  Our B3ta wife recently complained that although
  science has given us Spepper (saving us from
  the drudgery of using salt and pepper in separate
  shakers) it hasn't produced the self-cleaning
  carpet. Sensing a challenge, we didn't offer to
  help clean up, but went on a self-indulgent orgy
  of googling. The best we could find was the self
  flushing cat toilet, mainly because it was removed
  from the market as it flushed regardless of whether
  the cat was in it or not. Ooops.

  >> BBC Breakfast lady pr0n <<
  There's a theory of sexual attraction that states
  men fancy women only slightly better-looking than
  themselves. It's about obtainability: Lorraine
  Kelly after a few glasses of cider might give you
  a hand-job in the car park, whilst you know that
  Gwyneth Paltrow isn't going to put out without
  rohypnol. Only such thinking can explain this
  dedication to making this collection of
  pornographic nudes of the ladies of UK morning
  TV. NSFW. But this link is probably going to
  going to do the rounds of the BBC.

  >> Chalk Fighter <<
  These people have found a way of playing Street
  Fighter with only some chalk and a blackboard.
  We hope there were strict rules and that it's an
  impossibly-complicated game to play, but suspect
  that the only rule was "If it looks good, draw


  I'm totally straight, but I'm very curious
  about having a guy's hard cock inside my
  tight arse.


  Scientologists, Evil phones & Scary stuff

  >> Playing with Scientologists <<
  Iain has bought a house. Unfortunately, its
  former owner still gets lots of letters from the
  Church of Scientology. Fortunately, Iain
  has decided to reply to them and see what happens.
  We're hoping that he follows this up with
  more adventures with Scientologists. This could
  run and run.

  >> Dobber of the week <<
  You know those mobile phone scams where you get
  a text from a fairground informing you that "U
  won gldfsh. Call this number...", then when you
  phone it back, you're connected to a premium
  rate line? Apparently, if it doesn't inform you
  that it's premium rate then a quick report to
  ICSTIS can get them into rather a lot of trouble
  when you dob them in. Hurray! We're like
  Watchdog but without the old bag with the
  plastic face.

  >> Short scary animation <<
  We're scared of lots of stuff. Spiral staircases,
  spiders, flushing toilets, opening letters from
  the bank, basically we're scared of most stuff.
  Including JMS's short and effective animation.
  We shit our pants.


  I'm totally straight, but I can't resist
  sucking the occasional cock.


  Pug puppies

  Not hugely bothered by dogs at B3ta Towers,
  they smell when it rains and all that stick
  fetching makes us suspicious.

  However even our fag-blackened hearts were
  softened by B3ta reader Jared's new pug. He's
  called Magnus and he's recently had his 6
  week birthday.  

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Results from Tragic Roundabout Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to find the secret
  undercurrent of depression in kids' TV shows.


  We asked B3ta boarder '100% Gibbon' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Gibbon writes -

  #1 "Orville - I'm with Cuddles The Monkey on
     this matter, I fucking hate that duck.
     Nice to see him plummeting and also suffering
     a slow, painful death. It's all in the wing
     twitch. (pobblepop)

  #2 "Tucker's Duck - Tucker looks delighted with
     his duck, but I think that the duck might be
     about to throw its wing out and break his
     arm. Or is that swans? I can't put my finger
     on why, but this made me wee my pants.
     (previously on the west wing)

  #3 "As if by magic - Ah. The costume change that
     Mr Benn wanted most of all - and even gayer
     than his cowboy costume. Nice to see him
     shopping at the same fancy dress shop as
     Prince Harry." (mozza)

  Special mentions to these two Mr Men entries.
  Everybody needs a bit of Shabba in their lives,
  and Jonathan looks delighted to be on his way to
  the school gates, presumably to meet up with his
  friends Mr Glitter and Mr Jackson (veracity
  statement to be confirmed by American court, but
  he is odd, isn't he?)"

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator told us to take
  a magnifying glass in hand for "Extreme Close Ups"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * URBAN BOWLING - "Hello, we're Australian,"
    barks spanishcatfish, "and we just finished
    doing some high-quality urban bowling you
    requested a few weeks ago. It was fun." Ooh,
    by the looks of your video, you had a lovely,
    if vaguely uneventful day out with your new
    friend. We're still hoping for someone to
    bowl down the slope between two escalators
    on the tube.

  * SHIT SCALE - last week we mentioned the
    Bristol Stool Scale, a high-tech medical
    system for describing poo. "It's real!",
    exclaims Chris Wheatley BSc FIOT MSCCT,
    "Here's a link to a magazine I write for,
    complete with photos."

  * ANIMAL REVIEW THANKS - the team write :
    "Thanks for bigging up Animal Reviews in your
    newsletter a while back - we've since been in
    the Guardian and are soon to be interviewed
    by the BBC. You guys are the best." Yes, we
    are the best. But those BBC guys? They
    smell of wee.

    operative Ian scowls, "All it boils down
    to is being a cheap bastard and making
    unnecessary inconvenience for the poor
    people working at the restaurant.
    Giving it a fancy name doesn't change
    anything. Notice the years of pent-up
    bitterness I gathered working in such a
    restaurant exploding here."

  * WHAT'S IN THE BOX? SOLUTION - last week
    we presented you with a mystery box
    and asked you to work out what it was.
    Although we were charmed by your ideas
    that it was to make Pom Poms, polish
    teeth, and design bobble hats, the correct
    answer was pointed out by Irish piano tuner
    Mick Danby who wrote, "You've stumbled
    across a piano technician's box of paper
    and card washers. The small paper ones
    are used to adjust the height of the keys,
    the bigger ones adjust how far the keys go
    down." So it looks like our question-master
    has basically stolen the livelihood of a
    poor blind person. The fucker.

  * KOALA BEAR ERRATA - reader Richard exclaims,
    BEAR!!!!!!!!!!! It's not a fucking BEAR!
    It's a Koala!!! Glad I've got that off my
    chest." There there dear. It's only a

  * PANCAKE COCKS - we asked for you to draw
    penises in coffee froth and none of you
    did. Slackers. Anyway Ladymortisha got stoned
    and did have a go with pancake mixture.
    Nice one. Could probably do with some
    maple syrup spunk though.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

    Old fuckers remember Matt Bianco being
    called a "bunch of wankers" on Saturday
    Superstore. It was a delight. It happened to
    5 Star too, being asked why they were so
    fucking shit. There's more rubbish celebrities
    now than ever and yet this sort of thing just
    doesn't seem to happen any more. So get your
    kid brother to give Ministry of Mayhem a call
    and inform whichever 'star' they have that
    week (hopefully it's the moronic Easter island
    statue-faced singer from pop band the Bravery)
    to "Get off my digital television, you're a
    waste of pixels". Or something.

    "Say it loud! I'm black and I'm proud" and
    "Sing if you're glad to be gay", and we hope
    that there's a bootleg available for people
    who are both. But what about the minorities
    without anthems - the dwarves, the gingers, the
    tories and the goths, to name but four?
    If you belong to a songless minority, get
    a group together and belt out your pride for
    us in a short catchy anthem that can be sung

    make the packaging for kids' sweets? Maybe
    you make Braille pamphlets for the blind.
    Cover them in hidden penises and we'll make
    you famous.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David "Geek Hunk 2005" Stevenson.
  Links sent in by jeremy, pirate_gyrate,
  smiling.carcass, beanmom, gay google liberally
  robbed from rcade at cruel.com, blork101,
  todd and about a million people with stuff
  about that fucking box.
  Top Tippery nabbed from Encyclopizza. Read
  the site if you want to spend 5 hours learning
  how to run a pizza restaurant. Oddly good.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry. Yay Fraser.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Which he does well.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the evil b4ta overlords.

  The "chef's secret" for removing garlic and onion
  smell from hands is to
   (1) wet the hands with cold water,
   (2) rub them with salt,
   (3) rinse off the salt, then rub with lemon juice,
   (4) finish off by washing with soap and water.

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