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This Week:
* ROCK - 'America We Stand As One'
* KOSHER - Jewish chew toys
* PHOTOS - "My buttery vagina shame"

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 177 - 9 Apr 2005

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  The adventures of DEATH

  thanks to www.maverickmedia.co.uk!

  >> Advertise in B3ta <<
  Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Super-patriot rock vid <<
  Dennis Madalone: The Star Trek stunt coordinator
  is now on a mission for God and America, judging
  by this stupendous slice of bombastic rock. Short
  on lyrics, but long on angels and firemen, we
  could scarcely believe what we were seeing.

  >> Tramp-juice reviews <<
  You're on a serious mission to get pissed, but
  unsure which super-strength kidney poison lager
  to plump for? Here's your answer: Short reviews
  of the most palatable ways to drink yourself to
  oblivion in a car park somewhere. Break out the
  Amsterdam Maximator.

  >> Bomb your bookmarks <<
  Rain mayhem on your favourite site, with this
  amusing online toy. Type in the web address and
  select the method of destruction from the pull-down
  menu. About as close as you'll get to Ming the
  Merciless's now-legendary control panel.

  >> Uber Nintendo fan <<
  Surely there's some sort of critical mass to be
  reached, where you're so busy with the games
  you've got you can't go out and buy any more.
  Not if you're this obsessive games nut it
  seems. B3ta salutes you sir, for your superlative
  time-wasting skills.

  >> Jewish chew toys <<
  Pet toys for kosher canines: A little redundant,
  we think. Everybody knows that dogs are all
  Buddhists. And cats very clearly worship Satan.


  Sex toy reviews

  Found on the ratings section of a sex toy web
  shop. 2 AA Batteries: "Not nearly big enough...
  also need pull string for easier removal. It
  took me over an hour to get them out of my ass
  with a pair of pliers! I think I lost one!"


: "I'M NOT x BUT..."
  This week's fun with Google

  This week we've all been searching Google for
  stupid ways people start sentences, then
  sniggering at the results..

  We especially liked:

  * I'm not Racist, but...

    "I sure do like making fun of black people in
    Pringles commercials!”

  * I'm not a paedo! but...

    "I do like kids and want to have some of
    my own."

  * She'd only gone and...

    "left a pot of Stilton that should have
    been kept refrigerated by a lovely warm


  Masturbation master-class

  In what amounts to a teenage boy's Karma Sutra,
  each position and technique is rated according to
  difficulty and lubrication required. The animated
  images of some of the more unorthodox methods
  made us wince and, almost unthinkably, actually
  put us off wanking for a couple of minutes. NSFW,
  as if you couldn't have guessed.


  Things you don't understand

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked you to tell us what you
  never quite understood:

  * Toast
    "My mother was useless in the kitchen: when I
    was young, I honestly thought you made toast
    by putting it under the grill until it turns
    black and then taking it out and scraping all
    the black bits off. It wasn't until I was round
    a mate's house that I saw him take the toast
    out before it went black and thought "What a
    fucking awesome idea!" (Legless)
  * CID
    "For quite some time, I thought I knew what CID
    meant. Alas, it turns out it doesn't mean 'Cops
    In Disguise' after all. Shame really." (clendrix)
  * This Life
    "For many years now, I have been using the
    'Fred Basset' as the minimal unit of humour in
    comic strips. Then the Metro started printing
    'This Life'. I'm not sure that you could find
    even one amateur web comic drawn by a spastic
    7-year-old that is as shit as This Life. This
    isn't like the discovery of subatomic particles,
    it's as though someone has discovered negative
    Kelvin." (Rastas P Watermelon)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to confess your guilty pleasures.
  Talk to us here - we're off to try the thing
  with the banana:


  * I don't hate women, but...
    "I do think fat feminists probably have
    smelly twats."


  Please God No it's the return of Funny Names

  >> Aryan Justice <<
  We can only assume this little girl's parents
  intend for her to become some sort of Nazi
  messiah. Still, it's a steady job, we suppose.

  >> Therapistfinder.net <<
  Sounds like a man in a special hat who goes
  tracking down sex offenders - kind of like
  Charles Bronson in the Death Wish films.

  >> Shri V.D. Dikshit <<
  spamcicle writes, "I'm in an archaeology class,
  and we recently talked about the prominent
  Indian archaeologist Shri V.D. Dikshit. Hee hee."


  * I'm not gay but...

    "I've always wanted to try a mutual
    masturbation session. I'm not gay but I am
    curious. I have two problems. I am married
    (my wife would definitely not understand) and
    I am a very fat man."


  Other stuff we like.

  >> Butter vagina <<
  We're not afraid of the female genitalia. But
  it's not necessarily the kind of thing we'd be
  expecting laid out in front of us when we'd just
  opened a new tub of low-fat spread.

  >> Right-wing t-shirts <<
  You're wanting to really piss off everyone you
  meet, with your rebellious and unpredictable
  opinions. Some stupid cartoon making Bush look
  bad isn't going to cut it: people will just
  agree with you. Instead, why not try one of
  these ragingly right-wing beauties?

  >> Are you a paedo in New York? <<
  It's a searchable Sex Offenders register for the
  States. Always amusing to type in your boss's
  name, or maybe just look for rude words.

  >> Harelip kitten <<
  Aww. Poor little Tiddles. He looks so mournful.
  And deformed. This is why it should be illegal
  for siblings to marry each other.

  >> Penny-stacking supremo <<
  This is what happens when bored engineers get
  hold of that huge jar of pennies you've been
  meaning to take down the bank. We'd like to
  see a stylish but affordable bathroom suite
  next please.

  >> You vs. the 5-year-olds <<
  We've all thought about it: Aliens come down
  and kill everyone over the age of five, except
  for you. How long could you last in a world of
  toddlers reverted to barbarism? The great debate
  begins here.


  * I'd rather stick my cock in...
    "a jar of angry bees!"

    "a sausage slicer than up your arse, mate."

    "a fixtured vice and walk backwards."

    "a snapping turtle's jaws and trust him not
    to do the worst."


  Little dogs and kittens

  A tiny puppy, frolicking with dolls' house-sized
  props and an expression of good-natured
  astonishment. Bless.

  A collection of cute, yet slightly odd, pics
  of baby cats. You may like to think you're immune
  to this stuff... closer to the truth to say you
  can't get enough.

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  * Her breasts were like...

    "artillery shells and yet her buttocks were
    the size of a baby chimpanzee's."

    "goose eggs, but soft."

    "little famous women scientists."

    "rounded eyes staring accusingly."

    "empty triangular water bags."


  Results from the Zoom Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to show us things in
  Extreme Close Up.

  We asked b3ta boarder 'Little Miss Sunshine'
  to judge the  entries - here are her 3 faves.

  Miss Sunshine writes -

  #1 "After years of research - things I enjoy
      seeing in photoshopped pictures; bunnies
      in lab coats, microscopes, Cadbury Creme
      Eggs. The choice of winner was really quite
      easy for me this week. (wingpig)

  #2 "I knew it - Bonus points here, not only
      for a pun of spectacularly bad proportions,
      but it also looks so tasty. (shin0r)

  #3 "Who'da thunk it? - Those funny, stripy,
      horsey things in the zoo are covered in
      pictures of the 'Terry and June' of pop.
      Hurrah! (Slapnutz)"

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor 'enthusiastic
  amateur' gave us the suggestion, "An
  accident waiting to happen"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MORE MOBILES TRIVIA - LP writes, "Turn on
    predictive text and try to type in that oh
    so popular brand of vodka 'Smirnoff' - You
    get a curiously appropriate result." Fancy!

  * CONTRAPTION MAN SAYS - "I'm one of the four
    bone-idle Cambridge students that built the
    strange device you featured back in Newsletter
    173. We got a polite email from the University
    computing department a couple of days after
    the newsletter was published... Seems we used
    up about 15% of the Uni's entire network
    traffic on those two days, which is nice.
    We're also now the first result for a Google
    search for 'contraption.'" Fear the mighty
    power of B3ta.

  * ONION SMELL - Digeridude, fresh from slaving
    over a hot stove says, "In newsletter 176 you
    talked about the easiest way to remove onion
    smell, involving salt, lemons, and water. There
    is an easier way! Rub your hands with a steel
    spoon under cold water." This is because steel
    and onions are natural enemies in the wild.

  * BAD ADVICE - "It's probably a bit dangerous,"
    burbles classic315, "but if you get a cotton
    wool bud and dip it it Cillit Bang... and
    gently rub it on your teeth, without dripping.
    It works! Nice white teeth." No. You are a
    very wrong and bad person. And the fumes will
    probably make you blind.


  Hang things on the hangers and keep them
  out of the water. If you keep the whole lot
  dry for long enough you'll get another thing
  to add to your fishy mobile. Watch out for



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

    see the rules of the game relaxed a bit. At
    the moment you aren't allowed to imitate a
    singer of another gender or race. Where's the
    fun in that? We want to see Gary Bushell
    blacked-up as Aretha Franklin.

  * EMOTIONBOTOX.COM - recreate the wonderful
    emotioneric.com site in its entirety with
    people who have just received botox treatment.
    We'd love to see the expressionless Kylies
    of the world attempting "Ice Cream Headache",
    "Gigantic morning wood" and the botox-
    impossibility "pensive".

  * YOUR USUAL MIX of funny/clever/stupid and
    horrendously crap stuff. We love it all.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by hamchicken&peas, connor, Noit,
  cindiloohoovindaloo, mrtinybrain, Laughing Boy,
  Mr E. Bob, vagina, me, Dr Frank, sjwinch, chrisg,
  g1n_munk3y, 04039080, jab_bradfield, jspearmint,
  arksworld, Rev. A-MOL, teach83, iamtom, frunt,
  raven1482, rootrock, richdotcox, stevie_morgan,
  stevethedalek, thayer18, amandakate anywherebutme
  and not very much gravitas at all
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the pretty b4ta plinths. (101443)

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