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This Week:
* CATS - in sinks!
* SONG - The Internet is for porn
* DEATH - Cuddly pet coffins

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 194 - 26 Aug 2005

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  Does this look infected? & Wild Jack

  >> Does this look infected? <<    
  Protect your feet from disgusting infection!
  This site will teach you how to avoid highly
  contagious and disgusting infections such as
  hepatitis and cross-eyed'ism.  The information
  you will find on this site is NOT medically
  certified, nor is it accurate whatsoever.

  >> Animal Welfare <<
  The International Fund for Animal Welfare (IFAW)
  has released the results of an investigation,
  which found over 9,000 wild animals - alive and
  dead - for sale on the Internet in just one
  week. This trade is causing untold suffering to
  millions of animals and pushing endangered
  species to the brink of extinction. What we
  found will shock you. Check out:

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  A slip of the tongue is worth two in the bush

  * On the late delivery of an infant - "Well no,
    no-one wants a tardy baby." 

  * In a delicatessen - "excuse me, does the
    cottage cheese come from your end?"

  * On sweeping the floor with a soft broom
    borrowed from a work-man, "ask him if he's
    got a stiff one?"

  Keep them coming.


  Spinny album, Scissors, Cats & Goats

  >> Scissors Paper Stone <<
  The secret of winning Scissor Paper Stone is
  to play scissors first. Why? Novice players feel
  that stone is the strongest hand, so will often
  start the game by counter-acting with paper.
  Scissors cut paper, and you're the winner now.
  Will it work with Weebl's video version of the
  game? Only those playing will find out.  

  >> Cats in Sinks <<
  Cats always sit in the warmest place in the house.
  Rocky the b3ta cat likes to sit on the cooker.
  Not all cats are so smart, some choose to flout
  the kitty convention of fearing water and sit
  in the sink. BTW: Does your cat like drinking
  toilet water? It's because the tap water you
  put down tastes of washing-up liquid. Anyway,
  enough facts cribbed from Desmond Morris's
  Cat Watching book, just enjoy Fraser's collection
  of pictures.

  >> Spinny Album art quiz <<
  Here's a little history lesson. Your red-haired
  umlaut Rob and his architectural-terrorist chum
  Doctor Chthonic have a small web-history in
  finding available sources of data on the net
  and working out how to game them. Examples
  include the early b3ta-hit "Which is Better?"
  which compared the Google results of contrasting
  phrases to settle all possible arguments and
  "What's That Song?" which filched audio-clips
  from Amazon in a name-that-tune style quiz.
  Their latest uses millions of album covers to
  produce a guess-the-album-art game. Oh, and
  it spins. And it's got annoying music. Huzzah.

  >> Dance dance gabba goat <<
  Last sunday we visited the Kentish Town City
  Farm and met a lovely goat called Floppy.
  Assuming he was so-called due to his big,
  floppy ears, we asked the farmer, expecting
  a cute story. We were wrong. Apparently
  he's impotent. Poor Floppy. Anyway, here's
  Son of Crazymum's version of Dance Dance
  Revolution with a pilled-up goat. Perhaps that
  was Floppy's problem.


  Injured Siblings

  Last week we wanted to know just how much
  physical and psychological damage you'd caused
  your siblings:

  * Revenge served smack in the face
    "After years and years of suffering pain at
    the hands of elder brother - including being
    slammed off my parents' bed, having a fish
    knife thrown into my skull, thrown down a
    flight of stairs into the porch window, and
    the 'alphabet game' (I'd be bundled to the
    floor, kicked into a small ball with a chair
    on my back. He'd then go through the alphabet
    and, at the letter R he'd push the chair down
    as hard as he could) - I decided to challenge
    him one night to a pillow fight. His spotty
    face filled with glee as he charged towards me
    with his duck feather-filled delight thinking
    he was about to give his little brother another
    sound beating. I caught him square in the face
    as he sprinted forward and knocked the cunt
    spark out. He hadn't bargained on me sticking
    a 2 inch thick wooden bread board inside my
    pillow case. To this day my favourite noise in
    the whole wide world is 'thunk'."
    (Lets all have an asbo)
  * Cunning
    "I once persuaded my brother to hold a knife
    between the gas cooker hob and the spark
    mechanism jobby while I pressed the button.
    The shock made him throw the knife into the
    ceiling so hard pieces of plaster rained down.
    I've never laughed so hard." (donksta)
  * I will burn in Hell for this
    "My sister is deaf. Once, when she was hoovering,
    I pulled the electrical plug out of the socket. 
    This was unnoticed. I am a bad person."
    (The username Username is already in use)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We want to know all about your neighbours.
  Just how mad are they?


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Cat cyborg <<
  When his cat lost the use of his rear-legs in
  a tragic truck accident, robot engineer cum
  modern-day Dr. Frankenstein, Carlo Bertocchini
  knew just what to do: construct a wheeled
  sarcophagus to help him regain his mobility.
  The poor little kitty - he seems utterly baffled
  as to why he's stuck in an uncontrollable,
  spinning box. The doctor's missus should watch
  out in case he reverses over her 'accidentally'.

  >> Vibrating Pope Barometer <<
  Gone, but not forgotten - the memory of
  Pope John Paul II lives on in the form of
  this lovely colour-changing barometer. It's
  how he would want to be remembered. Although
  quite where the vibrating bit comes in, we
  can't imagine. Catholic guilt?

  >> Alan Cumming - The perfume <<
  Alan Cumming is one of our favourite
  Scottish bisexual actors, appart from Robbie
  Coltrane and Sean Connery. Not really sure
  if this is a gag or not, but either way it's
  pretty funny - a good gift for your uncool,
  Simpsons tie-wearing gay friends.

  >> The Internet is for porn <<
  80% of web traffic is pornography. The other
  20% is people looking for porn. Facts that have
  been recognised and turned into song by some TV
  web puppet twats. Quite possibly the best song
  of the year. Time to raise your game, Tina

  >> Cuddly pet coffins <<
  So Tiddles died and you feel lonely? Don't
  worry. Why not have him cremated and the ashes
  put inside a stuffed toy that you can take to
  bed and cuddle up with? Widowers, why not try
  sticking your dead wife's ashes up a RealDoll's
  rubber cunt? Pretty much the same kind of
  thing, no?

  >> Gadget news 1985 <<
  Nerd website Engadget decided to celebrate the
  20th anniversary of Teen Wolf Too by dedicating
  an issue to technology from 1985. "Someday we’ll
  all have phones as portable as the 11-pound Mobira
  Talkman." It's thrashing the same joke again and
  again, but you know what? It's always funny.

  >> Film nerd hits back <<
  Harry Knowles is the ginger blancmange behind
  maverick movie gossip site Aintitcool. Entourage
  is an HBO show about the useless hangers-on in
  a film star's life. Last week it featured a
  character very similar to Mr. Knowles being taken
  up the arse by three beautiful dildo-wearing
  ladies. Read the response here. BTW: This kind
  of sexual act is known as 'pegging'.


  Baby monkey

  People often mistake apes for monkeys and vice
  versa. We don't know what this guy is, although
  we suspect he's a gibbon. Whichever one he is,
  though, he's still a little cutie.


  it's funny names corner

  Oh Jesus mother of fuck, we really can't be
  bothered with this shit anymore. So we'll do
  it quickly. First off we have engineering
  group Johnson Pump, "your solution for liquid
  transport", apparently. Next, the masturbatory
  inspired electrical generator company, Onan
  "provides the power that keeps you going",
  owned by the appropriately-named Cummins.com.
  And finally, Dan Thompson points out that his
  local car wash in Doncaster rejoices in the 
  name "Mr Hand Job." We wonder, does he offer a 
  'happy' wax and finish?


  Hypnotism and Acronyms Challenge Results

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week the Challenge Dictator demanded to
  know how hypnotism could be used for evil.

  B3ta regular The State Of Yemen was asked to
  judge the entries - this is what he thought:

  The State Of Yemem writes -
  #1 Come To Fluffeh - Because we all know this
     is a skill cats already possess. Plus it 
     made me giggle like a loon. (finnbar)

  #2 Subliminal Burger - One of the more subtle 
     subliminal message entries, I liked this 
     because I didn't get it the first time. 
     Then I laughed. Then I laughed some more. 
     Then I killed my friend. (evilcoffee)

  #3 He's Going to Get Some - Fantastically 
     subtle, as opposed to some of the other 
     entries of this type. Also a lovely style 
     that makes it all the more amusing. 

  Two weeks ago week we wanted you to tell us 
  what acronyms really stood for.

  We asked b3ta boarder farmboy to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  farmboy writes -

  #1 NWA - I like the rather well rendered 
     knitwear. Kudos for making Ice Cube look 
     like a great big Hom-boy. (Leningrad)
  #2 DKNY - I can picture the game now, 
     swinging from skyscraper to skyscraper,  
     swatting hijacked planes and throwing 
     barrels at Mayor Giuliani... 
     (Onion Terror)
  #3 ADIDAS - A smart-arse entry. But in a 
     'I wish I'd thought of that' kind of 
     way. Grrr. (monkeon)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, Squiggy suggested that we
  reveal what life would be like if computer 
  games were real.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HEX CLOCKS - ooh bloody years ago Rob made a
    hex clock and stuck it on Cafepress for you
    lucky people to buy. Not actually expecting
    anyone to actually purchase one. But they
    did. We have photographic proof.

  * MORE HEX CLOCKS - keeping the hexacological
    dream alive Hudders has made a Konfabulator 
    version of said quality merchandise for free!
    Taking the food from Rob's mouth - the cunt.

  * ODD FOODS - ChemistryDan writes, "I used to
    crunch up 5 or 6 long strands of raw
    spaghetti, then when it was a bit sticky,
    I'd compress the mashed up pasta against the
    roof of my mouth to make a flat biscuity
    type creation. This I would then place on
    the radiator for drying and consumption at
    a later time." We only mention this as we
    used to do the same, sometimes substiting
    the mouth for a cup of tea, making a lovely


  Leapy stickman game

  Enjoyed this inertia based take on the Manic
  Miner game, leap about like a furious pig and
  collect the objects. Tricky controls and great
  gameplay. Much like our cocks.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * COIN COCKS - the Royal Mint is holding a
    competition to design new UK coinage. Your
    body weight in new 2ps if you enter and
    win and manage to get a penis onto the back
    of the Queens head.

    Robin Cook are a good start, but there's
    still work to do.

  * SOME SORT OF SURVEY - correlating penis
    size to the browser people use. Let's
    settle the browser wars once and for all.
    We'd certainly read it anyway. And so
    would Slashdot. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by dutchbird, niall_mackinnon, 
  sheldrick_s, Woodside59, julie3, bloojam,
  Azra3l, dodge.jtr, Leningrad, chiff_chiff,
  pete & shane.tomkinson.
  Top Tippery by Mrs Google who also mentioned
  that contary to popular belief, dolphins
  do not have pre-hensile cocks.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the thieving b4ta magpies.
  (104666 - 27959)

  Stop cheese from sweating by removing the
  plastic packaging and wrapping it in tin foil.
  This will also prevent the alien brain lasers
  from reading your cheese.

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