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This Week:
* FUNNY NAME CORNER - Fuck a horse, it's back
* SONG - Chutney song from Weebl
* QUIZ - Filmy squirrels from Rob & Joel

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 213 - 27 Jan 2005

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  Film quiz, Chutney song & Radio prank

  >> Film Quiz <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer and Joel Veitch have been
  busy squirrels making an animated quiz for
  Barbican Film. It also features the official
  B3ta wife in her first vocal appearance since
  Buffy's Swearing Keyboard. (She plays Travis
  Nutkins, and asked us to mention her theory
  that, 'feeling a bit Lib Dem' is a new
  euphemism for gay.)

  >> Weebl chutney song <<
  We always like it when Jonti writes a new
  song, if he doesn't have a novelty number
  one record in the next couple of years, well
  we're not going to promise to eat our hats, but
  we'll be very surprised. His latest is rather

  >> Radio prank <<
  "I've been pranking an online radio station",
  boasts P0rk, "and it's turned out pretty well."
  Indeed, POrk has been sending the 'hey
  everybody, I'm looking at gay porno' link to
  the DJs and getting them to open it on-air. The
  results are very amusing, especially as they
  they take it in good spirits. Now, if only
  someone could do this to that fat cunt
  Chris Moyles at Radio 1.


  War on Terror - the boardgame

  Remember boardgames? Ditch the computer and
  gather your friends. Terrorists, oil, suicide
  bombers, the Axis of Evil and Weapons of Mass
  Destruction... A family game for 2-6 players.
  Pre-order your copy now!

  (From the creators of Hairytongue.com, if
  that means anything to you)


  Penguin biscuits

  We've recently been asking you to send us
  products and packaging that looks or reads
  unintentionally salacious.

  AnnieRat1 writes - "found this in our weekly
  Somerfield magazine, is it just me and my filthy
  mind, or is there something slightly dubious
  about the Penguin advert?"


  Have you paid for sex?

  Last week we were really interested in finding
  out if you'd ever paid for sex. Now we're not
  so sure we want to know:

  >> Accidental prostitute <<
  I remember going on a date with a student nurse
  and, after a few drinks, we ended up back at her
  place. We decided to order a pizza and I thought
  I'd be a gentleman and pay once it arrived
  (classy eh?) When the pizza was eventually
  delivered I was in the bathroom so she answered
  the door and paid the man. We shared the
  romantic candle-lit pizza, listened to some
  soft music and retired to the bedroom. The next
  morning I awoke and realised I was late for work
  so, while she slept on, I grabbed my clothes and 
  made a dash for the train. Suddenly I remembered
  - pizza! - I ought to leave some money for it.
  I decided to leave a note alongside the cost of
  the previous evening's meal. It was only after
  I shut her front door I realised that the first
  thing the poor woman would see when she woke up
  was £10 on her table with a note saying
  "Thanks. Tasted lovely." (ccc)

  >> Disabled Porn <<
  This is not my story, it's a friend's. But
  I'll tell it the way he does: "I checked into
  a hotel in Jo'burg, and of course the first
  thing you do is check out the quality of the
  in-room porn. There were 4 or 5 channels,
  mostly of the "Anal Party" or "Teen Orgy"
  variety, but the last option intrigued me;
  it said "Disabled adult channel". "Well,"
  I thought, "if they're sick enough to make
  disabled porn, I'm sick enough to watch it"
  So I unzipped and selected that option. Then
  and only then did I realise it actually said 
  "DISABLE adult channels" and my 2 week stay
  in this shit hole would now be without any
  right hand action because I was too embarrassed
  to phone reception to get it reinstated." 
  (Roland E O'Dorant)

  >> She's NOT a whore <<
  A few years ago me and my girlfriend went to
  London to see REM. We'd got a super-cheap hotel
  in King's Cross. Being born-and-bred Devonians,
  neither of us knew much about that London, or
  the reputation that King's Cross has. We saw
  the gig and headed back to the hotel, my g/f
  all dolled up to look good on the off-chance
  Michael Stipe spotted her in the audience.
  Walking through reception the receptionist
  stopped us. 'You can't take her in here!',
  gesturing to my girlfriend. 'Why not?'
  'Because we don't allow it sir' 'Allow what?'
  'Ah, extra guests.' 'She's with me!' 'Ah, yes
  sir, but we don't allow that.' 'Right. Allow
  what?' 'Ah sir, I think we both know what I'm
  referring to.' 'Um, actually no....' It took
  a long and painfully embarrassing conversation
  to realise that the receptionist thought my
  girlfriend was a whore I'd just picked up.
  Somehow my gf decided that this was my fault.

  BTW, after a quick ask around, we reckon that
  "Good Boy" chocolate drops _do_ count as payment.

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Were you ever in a cult? Talk to us here:


  Get a new media job
  CRAP JOB?  Sapping your will to live?  How's
  about you put your talents to use and maybe
  even earn a little (or a lot?!) more!  Chinwag
  Jobs has 900+ new media jobs listed on our new
  website, ranging from Google and Yahoo! to
  award winning creative agencies.  Check it!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Big stuff that looks like little stuff <<
  Great collection of city-scape aerial photos
  that make the buildings look like tiny models.
  Possibly the same photographer that snapped
  our penis for ratemycock.com

  >> Rick Moranis - singing cowboy <<
  Remember Rick? He's the skinny geek with glasses
  from 'Honey, I shrunk the kids' - not the most
  obvious chap to be singing country songs about
  his 'nine galleon hat'. But somehow it works,
  you can listen to the album here, in it's
  charming and whimsically funny glory.

  >> Killer polar bear <<
  Hot video this week has been the polar bear
  who attempts to attack a person wearing a 
  'seal cub hat'. Thankfully they were saved by
  the protective glass of a zoo - but how many
  times were we sent this link this week? About
  a billion. Good though.

  >> Make your own cat helmet <<
  You must have seen that photo of a cat looking
  pissed off with orange peel on his head. It's
  a 'even your dad forwards this one about'
  classic. Instructions on how to build your
  own here. Sweet.

  >> Flickr game <<
  Once-upon-a-time there was a young man called
  Cal and we got hold of him to build the b3ta
  website. As you all must know by now, he went
  on to build the photo-sharing site Flickr, which
  has utterly taken over the world. One of it's
  neat features is that they make it easy for
  programmers to make their own websites based
  upon the uploaded images. Including this lovely
  guessing game.

  >> Home defense <<
  B3ta Towers was recently invaded by an intruder
  who got through the kitchen window (getting past
  the moat and sharks with lasers on their heads
  obviously.) If only we'd thought to invest in
  this handy bed-side table that converts into
  a truncheon and shield. Then we could now be
  on a murder charge - huzzah!


  Fuck my dead Gran, it's back

  TheJockGit writes - "Dear all at B3ta Towers.
  The company I work for has been approached by
  a consulting engineer from India who is currently
  working on what will be the tallest building in
  Mumbai (96storey tower). Project is run in
  conjunction with some British architects and
  consultants. Why am I telling you all about
  this? The name of his company is....DIKSHIT


  Labradoodle puppies

  A Labradoodle is a mongrel dog created by
  crossing a Labrador and a Poodle, but we care
  because the pups look like teddybears. Lovely.


  Results from the 'Dodgy Mechanics' Challenge

  Last week we asked you what havoc dodgy 
  mechanics would cause if they ran the World.

  Our favourites included:

  * O.K. CORRAL - even the Wild West must have 
    had cowboy builders, and this lovely bit of
    drawing ably demonstrates.

    would have turned out completely differently 
    had Kit been taken to this disreputable 

  * NODDY HOLDER - Painful yet brilliant punnage
    as the Slade frontman visits another shady 
    (Roland E O'Dorant)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: A World Of Women <<
  We love the ladies here at b3ta, even if they 
  scare us and we can't talk to them without 
  feeling weird down there. But what if 
  everything was invented by, inspired by, 
  made by or made for women?

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and
  vote on the ideas suggested by others.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

    week the media made a big hoo-hah about a
    whale that was stuck in the Thames. B3ta
    boarder Pachey made a parody BBC news image
    and it was apparently emailed to a about
    a zillion people in the UK.

    So much so, that BBC news picked up on it
    and featured it in their online news quiz.
    Question five, if you fancy taking a look.

    Frankly it reminds us something Daniel Brown
    (a rather posh designer who's won billions
    of awards) once said to us, "all news coverage
    will be like B3ta one day. No actual news,
    just jokes." Oooh, it makes our head hurt.

  * WATER AID ABANDONS LOGO - last year we launched
    the Phallic Logo Awards by pointing out the
    Water Aid design looks like an ejaculating penis.
    Interesting to see they've recently changed
    it. A win for B3ta? Er.. we hope not. We're
    sorry, we don't want charities having to
    spend money on design agencies simply because
    we make cheap jokes. Actually, Water Aid
    should have come to us, we'd have happily
    run an image challenge, "Design a new logo
    that doesn't look like a cock." Although that
    might resulted in stuff that looks like
    flaps instead. We can't win.

  * SNEEZE CHALLENGE - numerous emails about our
    request to film yourself sneezing with your
    eyes open, "Surely everyone knows that if
    you sneeze with your eyes open, your eyes
    pop out. At least, that's what I was told at
    primary school." This we HAVE to see. The
    challenge is on.

  * BOOK BAR CONTROVERSY - Sacha Brunel writes,
    "I used to work in a secondhand bookshop,
    the only money we ever made was when these
    absolute cunts in casual suits came in and
    bought books at 100 quid per foot for
    furnishing rich peoples' houses with
    decorative 'bookshelves'. As a lover of
    books, especially old and unusual ones,
    this kind of behaviour makes my blood 
    boil. Books are for reading." Well that's us
    told. Actually Sacha, we'll make you really
    angry, when we were kids we used to eat
    books, tearing off the margins and munching
    them into pulp before sticking the chewed
    globs under our bed.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GEEK SONGS - Albert the Mildly Deranged
    writes, "I've written nerdy words to the
    Beegees Tragedy." Ooh. Can someone perform
    this please? Wearing a short-sleeved
    shirt, pens in your breast-pocket and a
    mobile-phone clipped to your belt? You will
    win the internet if you do.

  * BRITISH ROADKILL CUISINE - can you live on
    a diet of hedgehogs, squirrels and kittens?
    No cheating and running them over on purpose.
    Yes, Fraser, we mean you.

  * KITTEN SNEEZE GAME - involving a baby
    cat with a cold. You have to wipe up its
    snot before it drips onto your lap. Loose
    points every time it sneezes.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Special thanks to Radja and Pachey for the 
  TWLTSNW suggestions.
  Links sent in by lots of clever monkeys who'll
  we'll credit next week.
  Top Tippery by another clever monkey. 
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Proofing by the wibbly b4ta wobbles.
  *** Answer to joke: A pilot, you racist cunt. ***
  (107185 - 32522)

  Like women, the moon works on a four-week cycle.
  This means you can use the phases of the moon
  to predict what mood the lady in your life will
  be in when you get home in the evening. For us,
  Lady Week is when there's a half moon waning.

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