NEWSLETTER: "WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK MAN FLYING A PLANE?"
This Week:
* FUNNY NAME CORNER - Fuck a horse, it's back
* SONG - Chutney song from Weebl
* QUIZ - Filmy squirrels from Rob & Joel
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 213 - 27 Jan 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue213/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Film quiz, Chutney song & Radio prank
>> Film Quiz <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer and Joel Veitch have been
busy squirrels making an animated quiz for
Barbican Film. It also features the official
B3ta wife in her first vocal appearance since
Buffy's Swearing Keyboard. (She plays Travis
Nutkins, and asked us to mention her theory
that, 'feeling a bit Lib Dem' is a new
euphemism for gay.)
http://www.nutsaboutfilm.co.uk/
>> Weebl chutney song <<
We always like it when Jonti writes a new
song, if he doesn't have a novelty number
one record in the next couple of years, well
we're not going to promise to eat our hats, but
we'll be very surprised. His latest is rather
woo.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/chutney/
>> Radio prank <<
"I've been pranking an online radio station",
boasts P0rk, "and it's turned out pretty well."
Indeed, POrk has been sending the 'hey
everybody, I'm looking at gay porno' link to
the DJs and getting them to open it on-air. The
results are very amusing, especially as they
they take it in good spirits. Now, if only
someone could do this to that fat cunt
Chris Moyles at Radio 1.
http://www.p0rk.com/nhb.html
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(From the creators of Hairytongue.com, if
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: FILTHY MARKETING OF THE WEEK
Penguin biscuits
We've recently been asking you to send us
products and packaging that looks or reads
unintentionally salacious.
AnnieRat1 writes - "found this in our weekly
Somerfield magazine, is it just me and my filthy
mind, or is there something slightly dubious
about the Penguin advert?"
http://www.igor.demon.co.uk/somerfield.jpg
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Have you paid for sex?
Last week we were really interested in finding
out if you'd ever paid for sex. Now we're not
so sure we want to know:
http://b3ta.com/questions/paidforsex/
>> Accidental prostitute <<
I remember going on a date with a student nurse
and, after a few drinks, we ended up back at her
place. We decided to order a pizza and I thought
I'd be a gentleman and pay once it arrived
(classy eh?) When the pizza was eventually
delivered I was in the bathroom so she answered
the door and paid the man. We shared the
romantic candle-lit pizza, listened to some
soft music and retired to the bedroom. The next
morning I awoke and realised I was late for work
so, while she slept on, I grabbed my clothes and
made a dash for the train. Suddenly I remembered
- pizza! - I ought to leave some money for it.
I decided to leave a note alongside the cost of
the previous evening's meal. It was only after
I shut her front door I realised that the first
thing the poor woman would see when she woke up
was £10 on her table with a note saying
"Thanks. Tasted lovely." (ccc)
>> Disabled Porn <<
This is not my story, it's a friend's. But
I'll tell it the way he does: "I checked into
a hotel in Jo'burg, and of course the first
thing you do is check out the quality of the
in-room porn. There were 4 or 5 channels,
mostly of the "Anal Party" or "Teen Orgy"
variety, but the last option intrigued me;
it said "Disabled adult channel". "Well,"
I thought, "if they're sick enough to make
disabled porn, I'm sick enough to watch it"
So I unzipped and selected that option. Then
and only then did I realise it actually said
"DISABLE adult channels" and my 2 week stay
in this shit hole would now be without any
right hand action because I was too embarrassed
to phone reception to get it reinstated."
(Roland E O'Dorant)
>> She's NOT a whore <<
A few years ago me and my girlfriend went to
London to see REM. We'd got a super-cheap hotel
in King's Cross. Being born-and-bred Devonians,
neither of us knew much about that London, or
the reputation that King's Cross has. We saw
the gig and headed back to the hotel, my g/f
all dolled up to look good on the off-chance
Michael Stipe spotted her in the audience.
Walking through reception the receptionist
stopped us. 'You can't take her in here!',
gesturing to my girlfriend. 'Why not?'
'Because we don't allow it sir' 'Allow what?'
'Ah, extra guests.' 'She's with me!' 'Ah, yes
sir, but we don't allow that.' 'Right. Allow
what?' 'Ah sir, I think we both know what I'm
referring to.' 'Um, actually no....' It took
a long and painfully embarrassing conversation
to realise that the receptionist thought my
girlfriend was a whore I'd just picked up.
Somehow my gf decided that this was my fault.
(inflateable)
BTW, after a quick ask around, we reckon that
"Good Boy" chocolate drops _do_ count as payment.
>> This Week's Question <<
Were you ever in a cult? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cults/
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Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Big stuff that looks like little stuff <<
Great collection of city-scape aerial photos
that make the buildings look like tiny models.
Possibly the same photographer that snapped
our penis for ratemycock.com
http://www.metropolismag.com/cda/story.php
>> Rick Moranis - singing cowboy <<
Remember Rick? He's the skinny geek with glasses
from 'Honey, I shrunk the kids' - not the most
obvious chap to be singing country songs about
his 'nine galleon hat'. But somehow it works,
you can listen to the album here, in it's
charming and whimsically funny glory.
http://www.rickmoranis.com/default.aspx
>> Killer polar bear <<
Hot video this week has been the polar bear
who attempts to attack a person wearing a
'seal cub hat'. Thankfully they were saved by
the protective glass of a zoo - but how many
times were we sent this link this week? About
a billion. Good though.
http://snipurl.com/polarbearwoo
>> Make your own cat helmet <<
You must have seen that photo of a cat looking
pissed off with orange peel on his head. It's
a 'even your dad forwards this one about'
classic. Instructions on how to build your
own here. Sweet.
http://penguinx.org/
>> Flickr game <<
Once-upon-a-time there was a young man called
Cal and we got hold of him to build the b3ta
website. As you all must know by now, he went
on to build the photo-sharing site Flickr, which
has utterly taken over the world. One of it's
neat features is that they make it easy for
programmers to make their own websites based
upon the uploaded images. Including this lovely
guessing game.
http://slane.bradley.edu/games/fastr/
>> Home defense <<
B3ta Towers was recently invaded by an intruder
who got through the kitchen window (getting past
the moat and sharks with lasers on their heads
obviously.) If only we'd thought to invest in
this handy bed-side table that converts into
a truncheon and shield. Then we could now be
on a murder charge - huzzah!
http://www.jamesmcadam.co.uk/portfolio_html/sb_tab...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Fuck my dead Gran, it's back
TheJockGit writes - "Dear all at B3ta Towers.
The company I work for has been approached by
a consulting engineer from India who is currently
working on what will be the tallest building in
Mumbai (96storey tower). Project is run in
conjunction with some British architects and
consultants. Why am I telling you all about
this? The name of his company is....DIKSHIT
CONSULTANTS."
http://snipurl.com/dikshit
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Labradoodle puppies
A Labradoodle is a mongrel dog created by
crossing a Labrador and a Poodle, but we care
because the pups look like teddybears. Lovely.
http://www.labradoodle.biz/images/MazieandGeorge_0...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Dodgy Mechanics' Challenge
Last week we asked you what havoc dodgy
mechanics would cause if they ran the World.
Our favourites included:
* O.K. CORRAL - even the Wild West must have
had cowboy builders, and this lovely bit of
drawing ably demonstrates.
(prodigy69)
* KNIGHTRIDER: CAMP EDITION - The TV show
would have turned out completely differently
had Kit been taken to this disreputable
garage.
(monkeon)
* NODDY HOLDER - Painful yet brilliant punnage
as the Slade frontman visits another shady
mechanic.
(Roland E O'Dorant)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dodgymechanics/
>> New challenge: A World Of Women <<
We love the ladies here at b3ta, even if they
scare us and we can't talk to them without
feeling weird down there. But what if
everything was invented by, inspired by,
made by or made for women?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/womensworld/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and
vote on the ideas suggested by others.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* INTERNET EATS ITSELF AGAIN - earlier this
week the media made a big hoo-hah about a
whale that was stuck in the Thames. B3ta
boarder Pachey made a parody BBC news image
and it was apparently emailed to a about
a zillion people in the UK.
http://b3ta.com/board/5573156
So much so, that BBC news picked up on it
and featured it in their online news quiz.
Question five, if you fancy taking a look.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/4652186.stm
Frankly it reminds us something Daniel Brown
(a rather posh designer who's won billions
of awards) once said to us, "all news coverage
will be like B3ta one day. No actual news,
just jokes." Oooh, it makes our head hurt.
* WATER AID ABANDONS LOGO - last year we launched
the Phallic Logo Awards by pointing out the
Water Aid design looks like an ejaculating penis.
Interesting to see they've recently changed
it. A win for B3ta? Er.. we hope not. We're
sorry, we don't want charities having to
spend money on design agencies simply because
we make cheap jokes. Actually, Water Aid
should have come to us, we'd have happily
run an image challenge, "Design a new logo
that doesn't look like a cock." Although that
might resulted in stuff that looks like
flaps instead. We can't win.
http://www.wateraid.org/uk/default.asp
* SNEEZE CHALLENGE - numerous emails about our
request to film yourself sneezing with your
eyes open, "Surely everyone knows that if
you sneeze with your eyes open, your eyes
pop out. At least, that's what I was told at
primary school." This we HAVE to see. The
challenge is on.
* BOOK BAR CONTROVERSY - Sacha Brunel writes,
"I used to work in a secondhand bookshop,
the only money we ever made was when these
absolute cunts in casual suits came in and
bought books at 100 quid per foot for
furnishing rich peoples' houses with
decorative 'bookshelves'. As a lover of
books, especially old and unusual ones,
this kind of behaviour makes my blood
boil. Books are for reading." Well that's us
told. Actually Sacha, we'll make you really
angry, when we were kids we used to eat
books, tearing off the margins and munching
them into pulp before sticking the chewed
globs under our bed.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GEEK SONGS - Albert the Mildly Deranged
writes, "I've written nerdy words to the
Beegees Tragedy." Ooh. Can someone perform
this please? Wearing a short-sleeved
shirt, pens in your breast-pocket and a
mobile-phone clipped to your belt? You will
win the internet if you do.
http://www.mrikasu.com/gravity.htm
* BRITISH ROADKILL CUISINE - can you live on
a diet of hedgehogs, squirrels and kittens?
No cheating and running them over on purpose.
Yes, Fraser, we mean you.
* KITTEN SNEEZE GAME - involving a baby
cat with a cold. You have to wipe up its
snot before it drips onto your lap. Loose
points every time it sneezes.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Special thanks to Radja and Pachey for the
TWLTSNW suggestions.
Links sent in by lots of clever monkeys who'll
we'll credit next week.
Top Tippery by another clever monkey.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Proofing by the wibbly b4ta wobbles.
*** Answer to joke: A pilot, you racist cunt. ***
(107185 - 32522)
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TOP TIP:
Like women, the moon works on a four-week cycle.
This means you can use the phases of the moon
to predict what mood the lady in your life will
be in when you get home in the evening. For us,
Lady Week is when there's a half moon waning.
