NEWSLETTER: "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SACKED?"
This Week:
* FOOD - All the Macaroni Cheeses. Tested
* TOY - Question swap
* QOTW - Have you ever been sacked?
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 217 - 24 Feb 2006
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Macaroni cheese, Question swap & V/o guy
>> All the Macaroni Cheeses <<
"I am starting to really hate Macaroni!" cries
rescueranger, somewhat plaintively. "Since July
last year I have been attempting to sample every
kind of Macaroni Cheese available. I'm very much
starting to regret it now." Read the reviews, so
you can simply pick out the finest examples of
cheesy goodness.
http://blog.samradion.co.uk/
>> Question Swap <<
Inspired by last week's Sketch Swap, phantomboner
has made Question Swap - ask any question you
like, then answer someone else's. In short order
you'll receive your own answer from a random
stranger. We found it particularly useful for
medical advice.
http://www.questionswap.com/featured.asp
>> "Use my voice" <<
Occasionally we get emails at B3ta Towers from
people looking for work. Normally we throw them
in the special email bin, but Jan Bieleckis voice
was so lovely how can we ignore his offer of
to do a free voice over of anything at all? Yep,
that's right, whatever you want him to say, he'll
say it in a rich baritone including, "wank-lines
for grannies." And all for free. Try him.
BTW: Hopefully Jan will get back in touch with
us for next week and tell us about his oddest
requests. Oh, and click the blog link half way
down the page if you don't want to register.
http://janbielecki.voice123.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Child Labour
We wanted to know just what horrendously
exploitative jobs you'd had as kids. We thought
the paper rounds we'd done were bad, but then
we read this little lot:
http://b3ta.com/questions/childlabour/
Here's a few of our favourite stories:
>> Dr Poolittle <<
Summer job at a vet's, aged 14. We were
operating on a giant dog when a very large,
very slow poo started to come out. The vet asked
me to "catch it as it comes out." The sensation
of gently supporting a steaming hot dog log
(in hands protected only by membrane-thin
see-through gloves) as it slowly oozes out of
an unconscious Alsatian's anus is one that
will go with me to the grave. He took at least
twenty minutes from peeking tip to the slithery
finish, FFS. (oranguturn)
>> Tranny shoes <<
My first "job" while I was at school was working
in Timpsons selling shoes in the early 80s. For
some reason I was put in the ladies department
and on the day I started I was told by the manager
that we sold shoes to the TV market. Being only
15 and rather naive, I thought this was something
to do with the branch of Currys up the road.
Imagine my surprise being asked by a 6 foot "lady"
with a five o'clock shadow for "black court shoes
- size 10." Normally, fitting a shoe for a lady
involved numerous furtive glances at their
underwear (I was a hormonal teenager remember)
but not this time - I was confronted by a pair of
rather hairy legs surmounted by a pair of equally
hairy bollocks as she lifted her leg onto the
stool to be measured. (mikek01)
>> Cold, dead pig tits <<
I had a succession of crap jobs as a kid mainly to
fund my weed habit. Did the usual paper rounds,
but in a dope induced year out I some how got a
job at a local bacon factory. This place really
was the seventh circle of hell. It reeked of death
and shit and my job was to stand in line on a
conveyor belt for 8 hours at a time wearing a
white boiler suit holding a mechanised circular
razor whilst sides of pork whizzed past. My role
was to grab the mobile pork and shave off its
nipples at a frantic pace which caused them to
ping off in all directions often into my eyes
and mouth - kind of like Pac-man but with cold
dead pig tits. (MC2000ftjesus)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about the times you've
been sacked. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sacked/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Tricky quiz <<
When we were at school there was a quiz we
used to play on each other, trick questions
along the lines of, "An American jet crashed
over the English Channel carrying Spanish
passengers. Where did they bury the survivors?"
Similar stuff here - enjoyable too.
http://www.risingstarkaraoke.com/monday_test.html
>> 50s feminine hygiene ad <<
Ladies - Not having sex as often as you used
to do? Is he acting cold and distant? Perhaps
it's because your cunt stinks. Harsh words
indeed - but this is just paraphrasing
advertising from the 1950s.
http://thewvsr.com/lysol.htm
>> Garfield "funny" shocker <<
To people who pass by the news pages and head
straight for the comic strips, Garfield is
a byword for 'bland and unfunny'. So we were
very surprised at the improvement made by just
erasing all of the cat's thought bubbles, leaving
him a mute and uncomprehending observer of Jon's
neuroses. Just like a real cat.
http://snipurl.com/mntv
>> Sponsored Tube network <<
There have been a lot of edited Tube maps
doing the rounds this week, including the
classic sweary one and an anagram version.
This is the one that tickled us most, painfully
strained punnage and all.
http://www.digitalhome.plus.com/tube/sponsors.pdf
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: BANDWIDTH BUSTING VIDEO CORNER
Avoid if you're on slow connections.
>> Hamster wheel of death <<
Pete Burns once said, "You spin me right
round, baby, right round" and perhaps he was
thinking of this hamster - the silly, sharp
witted tranny. He also described Traci
Bingham's hair as looking "like Tina Turner's
arse pubes" - no endearingly cute video to
illustrate that one, though.
http://www.flurl.com/uploaded/Ratrace_74924.html
>> Japanese Hardcore Rave <<
It's Japanese game-show hell - our theory:
this is the next generation of Robot Wars.
Contestants take radio control of Japanese
teenagers and making them flail around in
spasmodic and aggressive fashion.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/909
>> Nintendo Rap <<
It's odd, what goes through the mind of a
forty-something ad executive when they have
to get 'down with the kids'. Someone clearly
thought this inept rap by a couple of stage
school identikit geektards would win the
hearts and minds of the 80s console crowd.
Capped off by the inexplicable line "Your
parents help you hook it up."
http://snipurl.com/nintendorap
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Star Wars, Biscuit city & Ken Hom
>> Star Wars Photoshopping Project <<
Manic has been polluting our beautiful
messageboard with his one-man Star Wars
bandwagon for about 5 years now. Here's where
it plays off. He's stuck them all together and
we're surprised just how much we like the result.
http://www.bloggerheads.com/star_wars/special_edit...
>> Biscuit City <<
Posho London department store Selfridges this
week had a massive display of a city made entirely
of biscuits. Nice Cup of Tea biscuit guru Wifey
rushed down to The Smoke to cover the story -
"to slow down the thousands of emails telling us
about it." Here's her on-the-spot report.
http://www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com/theWife/bis...
>> Ken Hom's a nonce <<
A while back, some Scottish radio station got
in touch with Rob wanting to do an interview
and "can you make a song to take the piss out
of our producer, Ken Hom." Rob duly obliged.
"Er, thanks, but we can't possibly play that,"
they spurted. Here is that song, as remixed
by the beardy hand of Mystery Bob. So it's
not about the chef Ken Hom, it's the radio
producer. Who isn't a nonce either. Got that?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/754
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: FILTHY MARKETING CORNER
Poorly-judged or brilliant marketing? This
women's magazine went on sale this week.
Is it us, or does the cover girl look entirely
too cheerful about being raped by her dad?
And the title above? Love It!
http://www.b3ta.com/board/5676681
ALSO: Rosie writes - "In my small portion of
Australia, there are some Asian restaurants
with hilarious names. Is this a phenomenon
further afield? We've got Kum Den (Chinese,
Melbourne ), Gaylord (Indian, Melbourne);
Fook Hing (Chinese, Brighton, Vic);
Gold Stream (Brighton, Vic)." Good stuff, and
we have to wonder if these people do it on
purpose.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Offensive in 5K' Challenge
Last week we wanted you to be as offensive as
possible, but only using 5K of data or less.
Our favourites included:
* EXTREME VIOLENCE - An extremely bloody
animation, and not for the faint-hearted.
Like Tarantino on a two pound budget.
(Butters)
* A FENCE SIEVE - Ludicrously desperate pun,
yet a welcome relief from all the other
mindless bile and hatred. (bilbobarneybobs)
* HITLER DOG SEX - Lo-Fi artistry at its very
worst, in a revolting, childish paint-mash.
Genius, in fact. (McPete)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/offensivein5k/
>> APPEAL: Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
>> New challenge: The World According To America <<
Americans are always being accused of knowing
nothing about the World beyond their borders.
But can this really be true? This week's challenge,
suggested by Dooley, will provide the answers...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/america/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Pets in plaster-casts
Combining two of our favourite things - cute
animals and cripples - sit back and enjoy this
extensive gallery of pets who've suffered
little mishaps
http://youcantmakeitup.blogspot.com/2006/02/50-ani...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WINNER OR SINNER NOT IN SYDNEY - Okay, it
turns out that he is. A couple of weeks ago
we ran a pic of Oxford Street's famous,
shouting preacher apparently in Sydney. Last
week reader Rosalita informed us that we were
wrong: He was actually in Melbourne. This week
virtually our entire Australian readership
chimed in to tell us that, yes, the photo
is of Sydney and that Rosalita had made the
schoolboy error of mistaking the Queen Victoria
Building for Flinders Street Station. Bah.
Thanks all for helping us out with that and
sorry not to name names - it would make the
newsletter about twice as long.
* WINNER OR SINNER HUNT - B3ta roving reporter
Kirk Rutter is looking to get in touch with
Phil. Can you help him?
http://winnerorsinner.blogspot.com/
* PROFANIWIKI RETURN - Paul writes, "after
a few months offline we're back up on our
wobbly hind legs again now. Please could
you tell the people who were missing it
that its back to its sweary best?"
Not a problem. Consider them told.
http://www.profaniwiki.com/
* BISCUIT CITY - earlier we mentioned Wifey's
visit to the Gypsy Cream Vatican, and it's
inspired transcending_reality to email us
the missive,"I made a giant Bourbon Cream;
you might like it."
http://olivepixel.livejournal.com/58807.html
* GOOGLE MAPS FUN - Neill writes - "a few years
ago a farmer in North Wales who got really
pissed off at the RAF flying practice low
level sorties down the valley, so he
painted in big letters on the roof of his
barn, 'FUCK OFF BIGGLES'. This, of course
attracted every RAF aircraft in the country
down for a look." Ha.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* EXPRESS YOURSELF VIDEO - cut together film
of lactating women in time to Madonna's hit.
Extra points for really squirty nipples.
* TROMBONE WITH TWO SLIDERS - it would be like
milking a brass cow. Kind of prog too.
* TAMAGAYCHI - your tiny plastic gay friend
that can sit in your purse saying stuff like
"go girl", giving opinions on shoes and
commiserating about your love life.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by RussInLondon, prodigy69,
LunaticInTheHall, the hedgehog can never be
buggered at all, Admiral Dr3w P3acock
Top Tippery by Laughing Boy's mate's Dad
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
March 20th is a very important day. Google it
to find out why.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Respect to the b4ta baby boom. (107858 - 33620)
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TOP TIP:
Never bite off the end of a cigar. This will
tear the centre and the heat and oils will be
focused down the filter, causing your Cuban to
keep going out. Always cut it evenly with
something sharp.
