we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* FOOD - All the Macaroni Cheeses. Tested
* TOY - Question swap
* QOTW - Have you ever been sacked?

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 217 - 24 Feb 2006

Read this issue in your browser:

       Subscribe:  [email protected]
         Unsub:  [email protected]


  Macaroni cheese, Question swap & V/o guy

  >> All the Macaroni Cheeses <<
  "I am starting to really hate Macaroni!" cries
  rescueranger, somewhat plaintively. "Since July
  last year I have been attempting to sample every
  kind of Macaroni Cheese available. I'm very much
  starting to regret it now." Read the reviews, so
  you can simply pick out the finest examples of
  cheesy goodness.

  >> Question Swap <<
  Inspired by last week's Sketch Swap, phantomboner
  has made Question Swap - ask any question you
  like, then answer someone else's. In short order
  you'll receive your own answer from a random
  stranger. We found it particularly useful for
  medical advice.

  >> "Use my voice" <<
  Occasionally we get emails at B3ta Towers from
  people looking for work. Normally we throw them
  in the special email bin, but Jan Bieleckis voice
  was so lovely how can we ignore his offer of
  to do a free voice over of anything at all? Yep,
  that's right, whatever you want him to say, he'll
  say it in a rich baritone including, "wank-lines
  for grannies." And all for free. Try him.
  BTW: Hopefully Jan will get back in touch with
  us for next week and tell us about his oddest
  requests. Oh, and click the blog link half way
  down the page if you don't want to register.


  Child Labour

  We wanted to know just what horrendously
  exploitative jobs you'd had as kids. We thought
  the paper rounds we'd done were bad, but then
  we read this little lot:

  Here's a few of our favourite stories:

  >> Dr Poolittle <<
  Summer job at a vet's, aged 14. We were
  operating on a giant dog when a very large,
  very slow poo started to come out. The vet asked
  me to "catch it as it comes out." The sensation
  of gently supporting a steaming hot dog log
  (in hands protected only by membrane-thin
  see-through gloves) as it slowly oozes out of
  an unconscious Alsatian's anus is one that
  will go with me to the grave. He took at least
  twenty minutes from peeking tip to the slithery
  finish, FFS. (oranguturn)

  >> Tranny shoes <<
  My first "job" while I was at school was working
  in Timpsons selling shoes in the early 80s. For
  some reason I was put in the ladies department
  and on the day I started I was told by the manager
  that we sold shoes to the TV market. Being only
  15 and rather naive, I thought this was something
  to do with the branch of Currys up the road.
  Imagine my surprise being asked by a 6 foot "lady"
  with a five o'clock shadow for "black court shoes
  - size 10." Normally, fitting a shoe for a lady
  involved numerous furtive glances at their
  underwear (I was a hormonal teenager remember)
  but not this time - I was confronted by a pair of
  rather hairy legs surmounted by a pair of equally
  hairy bollocks as she lifted her leg onto the
  stool to be measured. (mikek01)

  >> Cold, dead pig tits <<
  I had a succession of crap jobs as a kid mainly to
  fund my weed habit. Did the usual paper rounds,
  but in a dope induced year out I some how got a
  job at a local bacon factory. This place really
  was the seventh circle of hell. It reeked of death
  and shit and my job was to stand in line on a
  conveyor belt for 8 hours at a time wearing a
  white boiler suit holding a mechanised circular
  razor whilst sides of pork whizzed past. My role
  was to grab the mobile pork and shave off its
  nipples at a frantic pace which caused them to
  ping off in all directions often into my eyes
  and mouth - kind of like Pac-man but with cold
  dead pig tits. (MC2000ftjesus)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like you to tell us about the times you've
  been sacked. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Tricky quiz <<
  When we were at school there was a quiz we
  used to play on each other, trick questions
  along the lines of, "An American jet crashed
  over the English Channel carrying Spanish
  passengers. Where did they bury the survivors?"
  Similar stuff here - enjoyable too.

  >> 50s feminine hygiene ad <<
  Ladies - Not having sex as often as you used
  to do? Is he acting cold and distant? Perhaps
  it's because your cunt stinks. Harsh words
  indeed - but this is just paraphrasing
  advertising from the 1950s.

  >> Garfield "funny" shocker <<
  To people who pass by the news pages and head
  straight for the comic strips, Garfield is 
  a byword for 'bland and unfunny'. So we were
  very surprised at the improvement made by just
  erasing all of the cat's thought bubbles, leaving
  him a mute and uncomprehending observer of Jon's
  neuroses. Just like a real cat.

  >> Sponsored Tube network <<
  There have been a lot of edited Tube maps
  doing the rounds this week, including the 
  classic sweary one and an anagram version.
  This is the one that tickled us most, painfully
  strained punnage and all.


  Avoid if you're on slow connections. 

  >> Hamster wheel of death <<
  Pete Burns once said, "You spin me right
  round, baby, right round" and perhaps he was
  thinking of this hamster - the silly, sharp
  witted tranny. He also described Traci
  Bingham's hair as looking "like Tina Turner's
  arse pubes" - no endearingly cute video to
  illustrate that one, though.    

  >> Japanese Hardcore Rave <<
  It's Japanese game-show hell - our theory:
  this is the next generation of Robot Wars.
  Contestants take radio control of Japanese
  teenagers and making them flail around in 
  spasmodic and aggressive fashion.

  >> Nintendo Rap <<
  It's odd, what goes through the mind of a
  forty-something ad executive when they have
  to get 'down with the kids'. Someone clearly
  thought this inept rap by a couple of stage
  school identikit geektards would win the
  hearts and minds of the 80s console crowd.
  Capped off by the inexplicable line "Your
  parents help you hook it up."


  Star Wars, Biscuit city & Ken Hom

  >> Star Wars Photoshopping Project <<
  Manic has been polluting our beautiful
  messageboard with his one-man Star Wars
  bandwagon for about 5 years now. Here's where
  it plays off. He's stuck them all together and
  we're surprised just how much we like the result.

  >> Biscuit City <<
  Posho London department store Selfridges this
  week had a massive display of a city made entirely
  of biscuits. Nice Cup of Tea biscuit guru Wifey
  rushed down to The Smoke to cover the story -
  "to slow down the thousands of emails telling us
  about it." Here's her on-the-spot report.

  >> Ken Hom's a nonce <<
  A while back, some Scottish radio station got
  in touch with Rob wanting to do an interview
  and "can you make a song to take the piss out
  of our producer, Ken Hom." Rob duly obliged.
  "Er, thanks, but we can't possibly play that,"
  they spurted. Here is that song, as remixed
  by the beardy hand of Mystery Bob. So it's 
  not about the chef Ken Hom, it's the radio
  producer. Who isn't a nonce either. Got that?



  Poorly-judged or brilliant marketing? This 
  women's magazine went on sale this week.
  Is it us, or does the cover girl look entirely
  too cheerful about being raped by her dad?
  And the title above? Love It!

  ALSO: Rosie writes - "In my small portion of
  Australia, there are some Asian restaurants
  with hilarious names. Is this a phenomenon
  further afield? We've got Kum Den (Chinese,
  Melbourne ), Gaylord (Indian, Melbourne);
  Fook Hing (Chinese, Brighton, Vic);
  Gold Stream (Brighton, Vic)." Good stuff, and
  we have to wonder if these people do it on


  Results from the 'Offensive in 5K' Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to be as offensive as
  possible, but only using 5K of data or less.

  Our favourites included:
  * EXTREME VIOLENCE - An extremely bloody 
    animation, and not for the faint-hearted.
    Like Tarantino on a two pound budget. 

  * A FENCE SIEVE - Ludicrously desperate pun, 
    yet a welcome relief from all the other 
    mindless bile and hatred. (bilbobarneybobs)

  * HITLER DOG SEX - Lo-Fi artistry at its very 
    worst, in a revolting, childish paint-mash.
    Genius, in fact. (McPete)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> APPEAL: Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 

  >> New challenge: The World According To America <<
  Americans are always being accused of knowing 
  nothing about the World beyond their borders. 
  But can this really be true? This week's challenge, 
  suggested by Dooley, will provide the answers...


  Pets in plaster-casts

  Combining two of our favourite things - cute
  animals and cripples - sit back and enjoy this
  extensive gallery of pets who've suffered
  little mishaps


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

    turns out that he is. A couple of weeks ago
    we ran a pic of Oxford Street's famous,
    shouting preacher apparently in Sydney. Last
    week reader Rosalita informed us that we were
    wrong: He was actually in Melbourne. This week
    virtually our entire Australian readership
    chimed in to tell us that, yes, the photo
    is of Sydney and that Rosalita had made the
    schoolboy error of mistaking the Queen Victoria
    Building for Flinders Street Station. Bah.
    Thanks all for helping us out with that and
    sorry not to name names - it would make the 
    newsletter about twice as long.    

  * WINNER OR SINNER HUNT - B3ta roving reporter
    Kirk Rutter is looking to get in touch with
    Phil. Can you help him?

  * PROFANIWIKI RETURN - Paul writes, "after
    a few months offline we're back up on our
    wobbly hind legs again now. Please could
    you tell the people who were missing it
    that its back to its sweary best?"
    Not a problem. Consider them told.

  * BISCUIT CITY  - earlier we mentioned Wifey's
    visit to the Gypsy Cream Vatican, and it's
    inspired transcending_reality to email us
    the missive,"I made a giant Bourbon Cream;
    you might like it."

  * GOOGLE MAPS FUN - Neill writes - "a few years
    ago a farmer in North Wales who got really
    pissed off at the RAF flying practice low
    level sorties down the valley, so he
    painted in big letters on the roof of his
    barn, 'FUCK OFF BIGGLES'. This, of course
    attracted every RAF aircraft in the country
    down for a look." Ha.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * EXPRESS YOURSELF VIDEO - cut together film
    of lactating women in time to Madonna's hit.
    Extra points for really squirty nipples.

  * TROMBONE WITH TWO SLIDERS - it would be like
    milking a brass cow. Kind of prog too.

  * TAMAGAYCHI - your tiny plastic gay friend
    that can sit in your purse saying stuff like
    "go girl",  giving opinions on shoes and 
    commiserating about your love life.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by RussInLondon, prodigy69, 
  LunaticInTheHall, the hedgehog can never be
  buggered at all, Admiral Dr3w P3acock
  Top Tippery by Laughing Boy's mate's Dad
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  March 20th is a very important day. Google it
  to find out why.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Respect to the b4ta baby boom. (107858 - 33620)

  Never bite off the end of a cigar. This will
  tear the centre and the heat and oils will be
  focused down the filter, causing your Cuban to
  keep going out. Always cut it evenly with
  something sharp.

next issue »
« previous issue