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This Week:
* VID - Kurt Kobain in 10 seconds
* RESTAURANT WATCH - rude names international
* QUIZ - Papist or Rapist

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 218 - 3 Mar 2006

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  Sony are inviting you to play "Shadow of
  Colossus" on massive outdoor projections this
  3rd Mar – Manchester Piccadilly Gardens
  4th Mar – Birmingham Victoria Sq
  5th Mar – London Design Museum
  It will be woo.  Battle commences at 6pm

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Nirvana, Rape, Weebl, Typos & shit

  >> Kurt Kobain in 10 seconds <<
  Mushybees - who for our money is always at his 
  best when being wildly offensive - has produced
  a short little video telling the story of the
  doomed singer from Nirvana. BTW: If he had lived
  he would be 40 this year. Kurt we mean, and not
  Mushybees, who like everyone on B3ta is a child
  prodigy and aged about eight.

  >> Papist or Rapist? <<
  Continuing the tradition of your Ginger Fuhrer's
  either/or quizzes is Lord Manley of Ven who
  asks whether you can tell the difference between
  men of the cloth and kiddy fiddlers. We're
  glad he's hosting it and not us, and can deal
  with the legal issues of defamation himself...

  >> Weebl and Bob visit PC World <<
  Our international readers might not know about
  the joys of PC World. It's a computing
  superstore, the stuff is pretty cheap, but the
  staff are universally uninformed, spotty and
  unhelpful. It's a 'hell on earth' as Weebl
  quite literally points out. Best bit? Hissing

  >> Biggest typo ever <<
  Yes, we know the spelling on B3ta can be a little
  'imaginative' at times, but we did enjoy this message
  from Ally_Baby, "I was out today around Old Street
  in London, when I espied a road painters
  hard at work. To my horror and glee, they had
  just written 'BUS SANE' on the road. Anyway,
  I went back to work to get my camera to snap
  such a delight for the B3ta faithful but..."
  the council had repaired their error, very
  badly indeed. Hah!

  >> Can Scaryduck shit tomatoes? <<
  Remember Scaryduck? He won the Guardian most
  sooper-dooper blogger compo a few years back,
  and  regularly writes the some of the best stuff
  for our Question of the Week. The success has
  gone to his head and he's come up with a rather
  odd theory - can he eat tomatoes, shit out
  the pips and grow new tomatoes? We wait and
  watch with awe-stuck wonder.


  Sponsored link

  Amnesty have made a twisted shopping channel
  parody, but with a difference, they're selling
  AK47s instead of nose hair clippers. Maybe you
  think they're wasting your charitable donations
  by having poncey dinners with ad directors, but
  they do have an agenda: the ad is part of their
  campaign to sort out the arms trade. There's a
  number at the end of the film, please use it.


  Asian eateries with funny names

  * Golden Swallow - "The Chinese at the bottom
    of the road my parent's house is on. Classy."

  * Kum Hor - "In Camden (an hour outside Sydney)."

  * Phat Phuc - "a noodle restaurant in Chelsea."

  * Jizz - "in the mall below Town Hall in Sydney,
    a Japanese-owned boutique." (G  Butterwedge)
  * My Dung Sandwich Shop - "this is a huge
    phenomenon in the States."


  Tube station and crisps

   "Saw this today at Bow Road tube station",
   writes Mr. Tea, "They appear to be encouraging
   gaymo bumsexualism."

    "Found these in Morrisons", spurts Fantastical
    monkey, "How rude."


  Kelp, Hammers, Hens, Hands & Prince

  >> Veitch does Kelp <<
  Joel is a strange lad, he gets obsessed with
  words and phrases, a few years back he visited
  Australia and on his return spent about two
  months mouthing the word "Kelp" to pretty
  much any question you could ask him. He's
  finally turned his obsession into song
  with his band 7 Seconds of Love. BTW: Are
  you a record company? Sort him out, he wants
  to put a single out.

  >> Cat vs. Hammer <<
  "My cat really hates hammers" informs Baron
  Greenback, "This might not be as funny as
  that video  of the cat hitting the kid
  repeatedly on the  head, but I think it's
  cute. Oh, To any videoshoppers out there,
  can you edit this and make my cat famous?"
  Heh. Liking this, it's not as violent as
  our title suggests and it is, indeed,
  rather cute. BTW: We just edited this guys
  quote to coin the phrase 'Videoshoppers'
  as we can't bring our selves to write
  'mash-up' after seeing a 45 year old
  woman at some talk we went to saying,
  "I was watching my 2 year old nephew play
  with a keyboard, and I thought 'what law
  could prevent this child from making
  mash-ups'. Sheesh.

  >> Hen-cam <<
  "Over a few pints a few months ago me and my
  mates decided that we could do a webcam
  watching some hens", writes Neil, "we've
  spent ages getting it to update quickly and
  smoothly, even running it 24hrs a day."
  Quirky web cams are a bit 1997, but in the
  spirit of nostalgia and the fact that we
  like chickens, we're linking this. Woo.

  >> Guess the hand? <<
  Turdhead (quite why people give themselves
  such silly names on the interweb is beyond
  us - Ginger Fuhrer) writes - "Take the classic,
  mind-numbing, childhood game, 'Guess Which Hand?,
  'and add a creepy old man from the bus station,
  and you've got a strangely addictive game of
  chance." Lovely execution. Yay.

  >> Prince Vs Kinks Vs Smokey <<
  We're a little bored of the mash-ups at b3ta
  towers, it's so 2001. However CCC isn't and
  despite ourselves we rather enjoyed his
  new thing "featuring The Kinks, Prince &
  Smokey Robinson." Expertly done. 



  We wanted to know what you've been sacked
  for doing. We've edited down the best to handy
  newslettery size, but do read them all:

  >> Lloyds BSE <<
  I worked for Lloyds TSB as a web admin monkey.
  This was around the time of the foot & mouth
  crisis in the UK, and, whilst bored, I changed
  their horse logo to a cow, and the name to
  Lloyds BSE on the screensaver graphic file I
  had access to. I didn't realise that, since I
  was updating the site, I had full access to
  the London network, and the core directories
  for all the city branches. The next morning,
  everyone's machines, including front line
  branch machines, was displaying my 'edited'
  version. I was given an *instant* dismissal.
  My bank account was cancelled and refunded to
  me, I was walked out of the building by security
  at 11am. I signed a form stating that I was
  legally not to enter a branch of Lloyds TSB
  again. As I left the building, not a single
  person smiled, they all looked at me like I'd
  just killed a puppy. Fucking humourless cunts.

  >> One click, no job <<
  I once worked for Argos as a temp. My job was
  to key in data from emails into spreadsheets.
  I was fairly computer literate at the time so
  on my first day I wrote a script to automate
  the whole process. I was pretty proud of my one
  click system so after a week or two I showed my
  boss why my productivity was so good. Two days
  later I was told I was not to come in anymore.
  Shit. (Minty Hit)

  >> An apology for length <<
  Many moons ago, I worked at a place that
  made liquid density and level sensors. The
  fateful project was for the fuel probes on an
  Arianne rocket. The cables on this thing were
  bloody long, so had to be ran down the warehouse,
  around the corner and into the metalwork shop.
  Little did I know that as I rolled out the cable,
  the sensor was following me. I cut the cables 8
  metres too short. Now, this was all epoxy'd and
  cooked, so the cable could not be replaced..
  delayed the launch for 6 weeks whilst a new one
  was made. Sacked for stopping a space rocket
  take off. Cool. (phazey)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your airport stories. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> World's strangest buildings <<
  A collection of peculiar architectural follies.
  Some of these are pretty obviously just built
  weirdly to fuck with peoples' heads. Oh you
  architects - those long winter evenings must
  simply fly past.  

  >> Killer pornalikes <<
  We're not at liberty to divulge how this
  particular link came into our possession,
  but it's clearly a rare photo of 80s
  murderer Fred West during his gay porn
  fetish phase.

  >> Australians eat Coon Cheese <<
  Yes they do. The company will try to tell you
  it's a special patent cheese invented by
  Mister Coon. As if that would fool us for even
  a second. Take a look at the ad - they are clearly
  pushing a sinister racist agenda.

  >> Robot shark <<
  This may just be the ultimate gift for the
  special nerd in your life. A 2ft long radio
  controlled robot shark. A robot shark! The
  touch we particularly liked - the controller
  is waterproof so you can accompany your fishy
  buddy as he terrorises the local swimming pool.

  >> Sinister burbling video <<
  Like a rather unpleasant drug experience
  while watching children’s' television. We
  were left blinking, bewildered and slightly
  soiled after watching this little video treat.

  >> Booby bounce-o-meter <<
  Finally, someone has started using Flash for
  the purpose God intended. Choose the size of
  breast you want to see, select the kind of
  activity you want them to indulge in. Watch
  them bounce! Praise the Lord.

  >> If Microsoft had made the iPod <<
  Here's a quick recreation of what might have
  happened in the marketing meeting after Microsoft
  invented the iPod. Clearly the work of someone
  who's sat in far too many shite corporate design
  briefs, it's very sharply-observed.


  Results from the 'World According To USA' Challenge

  Last week we wanted proof that Americans know
  little  of the World beyond her borders. You
  provided. BTW: Please no more email from Yanks
  moaning about this challenge, we're just paying
  you back for the endless 'bad teeth' gags your
  comedians love to perform so much.

  Our favourites included:
  * A DAY IN THE LIFE - it's all about the tea, 

  * BURGER WORLD - A sneak peak at a typical
    European  sightseeing tour (bonus gluttony
    edition). (Darryn.R)

  * THE GALAXY - One of many map-themed entries,
    but  probably the closest to reality.

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: If The World Was Fluffy <<
  Imagine a World where nothing bad could ever
  happen,  where even the most evil act would
  result in lovely, charming, innocent results.
  We want to live there.  And we want you to
  show us what it looks like...

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * USE MY VOICE UPDATE - Jan.Bielecki writes,
    "Thank you so much for putting me in your
    newsletter! The response has been over
    whelming and I have  done recordings for
    animations, commercials, phone messages,
    and a lass who wants me to record my voice
    saying sweet things about her so she can play
    it to her ex to make him jealous. It's been
    bloody fantastic." Woo, glad you're enjoying

  * TROMBONE WITH TWO SLIDERS - we asked for this
    last week mainly as an excuse to write the
    phrase 'milking a brass cow'. Watty writes-
    "Not a trombone with, but Bobby Shew , a 
    jazz trumpeter had a two-belled trumpet."
    Heh, he must have been a hit with the ladies.

  * B3TA GOT ME SACKED - theevilmojojojo writes
    "I was working as a lowly admin assistant for a
    crappy little company. They didn't give me nearly
    enough work to do, so and I got utterly addicted to 
    the B3ta messageboard. Until one day I was
    unexpectedly  dragged into the boss' office.
    The MD of the company slammed onto the desk a
    stack of paper about a foot tall. 
    MD: This is a record of your internet usage -
    it's over 100 pages long!
    Me: Ooh crikey. Ha - whoops!
    MD: This is completely unacceptable! Look at
    these sites: 'multimap dot com', 'bee three tee
    aay dot com.'
    They booted me out of the door before I even
    had chance to defend myself." Let that be 
    a warning to you kids, do not visit our
    website ever. It's evil we tell you, evil.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DOWNFALL DRINKING GAME - we caught the
    Hitler biopic on telly the other night and
    wondered if there's cheap and tawdry laughs
    in a drinking game? One sip for every time
    Hitler looks glum. One sip for every time you
    think, "blimey, playing Adolf as human
    instead of a monsters makes you think, doesn't

  * SHOES FOR JORDAN - we notice that Katie
    Price is bringing out her own range of
    footwear. Considering the size of her tits
    we're surprised we she can see them. (BTW:
    This isn't really a thing we'd like to 
    see, but we liked the joke and didn't
    know where else to put it.)

  * TURN THEM IN AND WIN - got quite excited
    the other day about making a TV game show
    where punters have to shop their neighbors
    for benefit fraud and tax evasion - with
    the chance to win prizes to the same value
    that they've saved the tax payer.

  * OH SOD IT - if we're doing half thought
    out TV ideas here's a few more.

  * PHONE 666 - TV company buys a phone number 
    and sets up an alterative emergency service
    to the state run ones. The punters call and
    get free private medical care on the basis
    that the TV show gets the rights to show
    the car crashes / operations / bulgars on
    live TV.

  * GARYOKE - rent one of these private booth
    karaoke places in Soho and stick cameras
    in each room. Punters come in pissed and
    singing badly. Presenter sits in mixing
    gallery making nasty comments. Presented
    by Gary Barlow. Or someone else who's
    name makes a convenient rhyme. Actually
    Pete Burns would be good, if only his
    name rhymed with karaoke we'd be fucking

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by clever monkeys.
  Top Tippery by Rob.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  B4ta is woo. (107941 - 33522)

  When naming your cat try use a word that ends
  in a 'ee' sound. Cats respond better to it.

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