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This Week:
* QUESTION - Mental teenage parties
* PICS - Baby vs Baby
* VIDEO - 12 minutes of Japanese Heath-Robinson

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
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B3ta email 224 - 13 Apr 2006

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  Not Safe For Work

  Kerb have a new flash game out. This time they
  have veered away from plundering old Commodore
  64 games to produce this frankly disturbing
  version of video strip poker.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Baby vs Baby, Hypnosis and kitten-based security

  >> Baby vs. Baby <<
  Mrs Ginger Fuhrer writes, "I asked my husband
  whether he could fix-it-for-me to have my own
  version of Kittenwar but with babies. Being
  a loving and kindly Fuhrer he's sorted it out."
  So if looking at pictures of babies is your
  thing, or if you fancy putting your pride-and-joy
  into web battle, you know where to click.

  >> Hypnosis trick <<
  "I got this guy in Portobello Market to believe
  he was David Blaine", mesmerises hypnochimp,
  "but without any knowledge of magic." Ha,
  what a marvellous idea. We're also jealous
  and have a sudden and uncontrollable urge to
  learn hypnosis ourselves.

  >> Kitten-based security: Geeks only <<
  You know those annoying "type this phrase into
  the box" authentication things you get when you
  sign up for a website? They're there to stop
  spammers abusing nice sites like ours. Podgey22
  has come up with a fantastic alternative: get
  people to identify kittens. It's actually a
  small stroke of genius - a challenge that
  machines find hard, people find easy and best
  of all, it's kinda fun. BTW: This link has
  been all over the web this week before we even
  got round to mentioning it.

  It's also nice to note that The Register
  have picked up the story and given b3ta
  a small mention, not because it was made
  by one of our boarders, but because b3ta
  likes kittens.



  We wanted the best heckles you'd heard:

  * More a loud bang than a heckle
    "A mate of mine worked for a stage rigging,
    company - one of his main jobs was looking
    after aerial safety on Gladiators. In between
    series he was sent to work at a holiday camp
    for Keith Harris. The act was supposed to
    start with him on stage talking to an unseen
    Orville. The green duck would be whingeing
    about not being able to fly and would launch
    into the madly annoying 'I wish I could fly'
    song which plagued the charts in the 80s. At
    the climax Orville  would be released from
    the back of the auditorium on a wire to 'fly'
    over the kids' heads. The job was easy money
    but Harris turned out to be a complete and
    utter twat who pissed everyone off. My mate
    decided to take revenge and one night packed
    Orville full of stage explosives and a
    detonator. Half way down the wire cue a loud
    bang, a shower of green feathers, a room full
    of traumatised kids and an apoplectic Harris.
    My mate got fired on the spot, but it was so
    worth it." (ru55311)
  * JFK
    "In GCSE history for some reason we had to
    watch Kennedy getting shot. I never understood
    why, since we were learning about Russia at
    the time. Maybe the teacher had the decorators
    in or summat and just wanted to see a man die.
    Anyway, just as his cranium explodes in a
    shower of brain, blood and bone, Chris shouts
    in his best South Park voice "Oh my god! They
    killed Kennedy" immediately followed by the
    entire class shouting "You Bastards!" We never
    got to watch videos after that." (Furness)

  * Girls Aloud
    "It wasn't really a heckle as such, but half
    way through their act, a security guard came
    on stage and announced, "If anything else is
    thrown on the stage, Girls Aloud will stop
    playing." A shoe hit him in the face. At least
    they kept their promise though." (Ant Marching)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  Remember your teenage parties? The preparation,
  the mounting horror of the event, the endless
  gossip of who did what afterwards... tell us
  all about it:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Bunny suicides <<
  Most people in the UK will have heard of Bunny
  Suicides; it was the Xmas book hit of a couple
  of years ago. Frankly, we never bothered reading
  it, but some naughty sausage has stuck the
  entire book online for free reading. This might
  seem like copyright suicide, but we reckon it
  might accidentally sell more books. Certainly,
  now that we've read it, we rather like it and
  would consider buying it as a present if we
  were really stuck for ideas. However, we
  wonder if the publishers will see it the
  same way or take this site down sharpish.

  >> Big people art <<
  In B3ta Towers we scream, "Art is shit. Art
  must die," but we rather enjoyed Ron
  Mueck's work on creating huge giant people.
  Apparently he used to work making props and
  special effects for films. Which at least
  means he's learnt a craft before putting
  his ideas to the world. Christ, we're
  turning into old cunts, "Tracy Emin, but can
  she paint a kitten?"

  >> Kitten bath <<
  Fact: Cats hate water. Fact: Wet cats are funny.
  Can we do the "can someone wash my pussy, it
  fucking stinks" line now? Pleeeeeeeease.

  >> Shoes for dogs <<
  In the endless web fascination for animals
  dressed as people, we'd somehow missed the
  idea of pups in footwear. Hmmm, what next?
  Lemurs in leg-warmers?

  >> Pervert paradise <<
  There's a certain type of user this dating
  site is going to attract and we doubt it's who
  they wanted. It's a rather strange idea to have
  a dating site that exclusively caters
  to those looking for a disabled partner. Clearly,
  if you're disabled and looking for a date you'd
  just register with your bog-standard site. So
  this, to us, suggests some kind of prurient
  interest in cerebral palsy.

  >> Excessively detailed train picture <<
  Bert Monroy is a digital artist who slowly
  and painstakingly creates extraordinarily
  photorealistic scenes exclusively in Photoshop.
  But what scenes! Frankly, this, which took 2000
  hours and involved 15000 layers, is the most
  banal and meaningless display of technical
  genius we have seen all year. We fall at your
  feet, Bert Monroy, as you obviously aren't even
  trying that hard!

  >> Creme Egg cake <<
  Being fans of odd cookery experiments, we
  really enjoyed this guy's attempt to substitute
  creme egg for real egg in baking a cake. Very
  seasonal, nice write-up, horrid cake.

  >> Tiger Woods 'spaz' shame <<
  In a story that was pretty widely reported in
  the UK, Tiger Woods said that he had played
  like a 'spaz'. Cue any number of debates about
  political correctness. This is worth reading
  through, if only to see people getting
  offended at other people being offended by
  still more people originally being offended.
  Bunch of retards.

  >> Nice song <<
  Nothing much to say here, other than LDN by
  Lily Allen is a great little ska tune and
  very catchy. "Riding through the city on my
  bike all day, cos the filth took away my


  Double fluff spesh

  >> Toy kitten <<
  Don't think we've linked a toy before, but
  we defy you not to smile.

  >> Baby pandas <<
  We've certainly done baby pandas before,
  but look! There is so many of them!


  Youtube / Google vids etc etc etc

  >> Coke jet pack <<
  Who hasn't wondered whether 40 shaken-up soda
  bottles could produce enough lift to propel
  a man into through the air? Next week we bring
  you a small child lifted by 100 helium balloons...

  >> Who wants to be a millionaire? <<
  Bloke gets onto the TV show and gets the first
  question wrong, hence winning sod all. However,
  our cynical minds wonder whether he planned it
  that way, as surely there's commercial
  opportunities in being famous for making
  the wrong decision. Virtually any brand would
  do, "Should have gone to SpecSavers" etc.

  >> 12 minutes of Japanese Heath-Robinson  <<
  Remember The Great Egg Race where some old moon
  faced boffin got punters to make impossible
  machines from Meccano and string? It's back,
  it's got a great sound track and it kicks
  that Honda video into a shitty hat.

  >> NSFW: Sword fighting <<
  'Sword fighting' is the practise of young
  men using their penis's as bayonets flapping
  them against the others member. Frankly this
  isn't swordsmanship to the Olympic standard,
  but words cant describe how fitting the music
  is. Joyful. But also clearly gay porn.

  >> NSFW: 'Gourd' cock<<
  Want to know what happens if you inject
  silicone into your penis regularly for six
  years? This man has done it and the results
  are eye-popping. Apparently a clip from a recent
  Channel 4 documentary - ain't the web great -
  sod the rest of the show, this is the bit people
  need to see.

  >> Magic book paintings <<
  'Fore-edge painting' is the almost forgotten art
  of painting on the edges of pages to create an
  image that can only be seen when you skew the
  book. Beautiful idea and we'd love to see a
  renaissance of it in publishing.



  * STEPHEN LAWRENCE - "Oh my god, Your website
    is so offensive" trills Mandeeeeep, "I can
    not believe my eyes when I saw "stab Stephan
    Lawrence..." I will never visit your website
    ever again. I also will urge all my friends
    never to come back. I am so disgusted. I
    eagerly await your response." Our response:
    we've got some rum types on our messageboard
    that enjoy offending people.

  * KIDDYPRON - "your kids selling sweets in
    pink leotards overstepped the mark", carps
    [email protected] "You're going to get in
    trouble showing that stuff, spoof or no
    spoof. I'm leaving B3ta." Our response:
    Bye then. Actually, this story is kinda
    interesting because the did get another
    website into trouble:

  * LADY APOLOGY - verity_halliday moans,
    "CaroWallis is a girl as any fule kno.
    Good grief, she's been to enough bashes
    and there is information on her Flickr
    profile and everything! *despairs*"
    Um, sorry CaroWallis that we thought you
    were a man. We are blind-lady-man-fools.


  When body-building goes bad...

  We've already done the penis link where the
  bloke injects himself with silicon, so what
  about a man who injected his biceps with oil?
  Mind boggling.


  Results from the Town Advertising Challenge

  Last week we asked you to promote the place
  where you live.

  Our favourites included:
  * NOTTINGHAM - providing a fresh look at
    legendary folk-hero Robin Hood. (CongoJoe)

  * EASTBOURNE - proof, if anyone needed it, of
    the town's enduring popularity with the
    elderly. (The Great Architect)

  * LONDON - bonus points for excessive use
    of visual innuendo. (friendlyfire)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  Two weeks ago we wanted details of the most
  inappropriate charity events you'd like to
  Our favourites included:
  * ECZEMA SCRATCHCARD - genius: raise money
    for skin complaints and win a fiver.
   (Dixon Bawls)
  * 9/11 BASE JUMP - what better way to raise
    funds for the victims of terrorism than
    by jumping out of a tall building? (frshhh)
  * LEST WE FORGET - marking Remembrance Day
    with an Alzheimer's fundraiser. (Beau Bo
  See all the entries:

  >> New challenge: Web 2.0 <<
  Web 2.0 is the current geek buzzword. It's all
  about Flickr and del.icio.us, Ajax, tagging,
  community, and applications that never come
  out of beta. What strange and useful products
  will Web 2.0 throw up? Show us...

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and
  vote on the ideas suggested by others. Do it now.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GOOGLE EARTH ADS - a few weeks ago we
    wondered about when companies would start
    making really massive ads that can be seen
    on satellite imagery. Well, the answer is
    'now' and the company is, er, Maxim. Cheers
    MSPaintGuru for the link:

  * B3TA BANNED (AGAIN) - Last week we were
    tickled by the news that b3ta is blocked by
    the Black Spider web filtering system for a
    whole host of naught reasons. "Thought you
    might like to know you're also blocked by
    Websense," gloats philstaite, "But under the
    slightly more appropriate category of
    'Useless'." Bah.

  * COWS WITH BRAS - Last week we mocked something
    as being as ridiculous as a bra for cows.
    Roddy piped up with, "They do exist. I've seen
    photographic evidence. A mate of mine from
    high school went on holiday to Norway and took
    pics. Their udders were so big as to necessitate
    support to prevent them from trailing on the
    ground. As far as I recall, the bra was similar
    to a hairnet in construction." Proof, dammit!
    We want pictures!

  * PRACTICAL JOKES - "I don't know about the
    reverse intercom abuse mentioned in the
    newsletter but I did get a good reaction to
    a different jape," gloats Afinkawan "One of
    my best friends (I'll call him Mike because
    that's his name) was sharing a flat with
    three other guys. One day I posted an
    anonymous note through their door, made
    from letters I'd cut out of the newspaper.
    It said something like, 'The police are
    watching you, act normal.' Apparently,
    Mike arrived home to find his flatmates
    in a mad paranoid panic, not knowing what
    was going on or who they could trust and
    having flushed their stash down the toilet.
    Must try that again one day." Hehehe -
    tho you do scare us a little.

  * WORLD'S LARGEST PAINT BALL - "I just wanted
    to say thanks for mentioning the world's
    largest paint ball," beams jkbrooks85, "It's
    not every day that my original hometown of
    Alexandria, IN (population 3,600) gets
    mentioned outside city limits. And yes,
    it is a tourist attraction and has been
    featured on several television
    shows and news broadcasts."


  Arrange the lines so that none of the vertices
  overlap. Simple for the first couple of levels,
  then fiendishly difficult and worth a fairly
  lengthy perusal.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Three minute pilot TV shows we'd really like
  to make include:

  * HYPNOLEBRITY - take punters and hypnotise
    them into thinking they're Paris Hilton and
    send them off to Brixton to buy cocaine.

    working-class blokes and regress them to
    past lives as sexy Victorian chamber-maids.

  * BABY vs. BABY - run our new website as one of
    those quizmania type shows. Punters phone
    in baby photos and talk to a mumsy Anne
    Diamond figure about their kids. At home
    you SMS your prediction for the baby that'll
    win the battle. The prize pot gets split
    between the station, the winning photographer
    and correct prediction. We probably should
    pitch this to Sky rather writing it here,
    but fuck it, ideas are cheap.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by pluke, emmathegirl,
  elphantasmo, sinisterduck, j0hncarter,
  ablufia, Wor, Kev, jaypeabey, Confused, would we?
  Rich (Mr_B) and  "Gene Pitney’s manager has
  today denied rumours that it will take 3
  weeks to make his coffin from oak -  it will
  in fact take 24 hours from balsa."
  Top Tippery by Davey
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry.
  *** Answer to joke: Fire ***
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Props to b4ta. (108392 - 35777)

  You can make a microwave smell lovely and
  fresh by putting half a lemon in to cook for
  half a minute. Of course, if you don't enjoy
  the smell of lemons, you could always try
  the same trick with something else. Shoe-polish,
  for example. Or lard.

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