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This Week:
* PANTS - Bloke wears 43 pairs for B3ta
* NOEL EDMUNDS - Mong noise remix ahoy
* RECORD STORE CATS - The 'official' site

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "In beta before it
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       was fashionable"

B3ta email 242 - 18 Aug 2006

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  Very nice things for very nice people

  "There are four of us at Toke. Two boys, a lady
  and a cat called 'Dirty Steve'. He's an
  ex-porn cat who used to live in L.A. Steve got
  caught up in that stuff in the 90's. Cat on
  cat, cat on dog, cat on deer, cat on horse. We
  got him out of porn industry and into business
  management. He now runs Toke Industries. The
  other three of us just sit around all day,
  getting red-eyed and making nice t-shirts."

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? You know you do, if it's good
  enough for some pot-heads selling t-shirts then
  it's good enough for you.


  Rolf Harris, Noel Edmonds & Record Store cats

  >> Rolf Harris, King of Wankers <<
  "I recently got the 'Definitive Rolf Harris'
  album and it was worth the download",
  recommends Fantastical monkey, "and this is
  the result of listening to it." He also claims
  it's got a great ending, but we laughed so
  much at the intro we never got that far. 

  >> Edmonds Spaz remix <<
  Keen B3tards (not B3tans you jizztards) will
  remember the clip of the bearded TV gnome Noel
  Edmonds making 'spaz noises' on his hit show
  Deal or No Deal. Thanks to Mutated Monty for
  this deeply disturbing remix. 

  >> Record store cats <<
  C_kick is a blokey on our board who has spent
  the last few months photoshopping cats 
  enjoying their favourite tunes. They've been
  turning up in emails, been synced to videos on
  YouTube and the other day we got an email from
  a mobile phone company asking for the rights
  to flog them. We forwarded the note and we got
  the reply, "Another proposal.. ha ha. That
  would be the tenth.. I'm currently finishing
  up a deal with biggest fish out there."
  Anyway, if you haven't caught them yet, you
  are in for a small but perfectly formed treat:



  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked you if you'd ever run away.

   "I was living in Newcastle when I got a call
   from a mate who lived in Manchester inviting
   me to a party so I packed my rucksack and
   hitched down too Mancland. I intended to stay
   for the weekend but got involved in an
   endless round of drinking, womanising and
   endless debauchery and somehow two years
   passed without me calling home or letting
   anyone know where I was. Eventually I decided
   that enough was enough and headed home to see
   my folks. On arriving back in Newcastle I put
   my key in the door and walked into.....A
   houseful of strangers. Bloody parents had
   moved. (Legless) 

    "Roger, my pet hamster once ran away. I'd
    had him for about 2 years when one morning I
    woke up to find his cage was empty. My
    parents told me not to worry and that he'd
    be back shortly. They were right, he
    returned a couple of days later. He must
    have one hell of a 'running away' story to
    tell though, cos when he returned not only
    had he shrunk, but he was also a different
    colour." (Lt Columbo)

    "We had a thing at our school called
    Breakout. This was a yearly which was
    thoroughly encouraged by parents and staff
    alike and involved small groups (4-5 people)
    of students seeing how far away they could
    get from the school in 24 hours without
    spending any money i.e. hitch-hiking,
    begging etc. One year, the three finalists
    were as follows; in third place a group of
    kids got to Bath, in second 3 of the people
    in my year got to Bologne but the winners, 4
    girls from the upper sixth somehow managed
    to get to St Petersburg (yes, in Russia).
    Not a bad effort. They managed to sweet talk
    their way as part of a courier ticket, i
    think. Can't imagine anything like this ever
    being allowed nowadays." (Fray Brentos)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you know if anyone thinks you're a
  pervert. The winning results will be sent
  straight to the News Of The World. Talk to us


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> The riddle of China's area 51 <<
  Nice overview here of the a conspiracy theory
  that's been hot on the web over the last few
  weeks. In short, a chap found an odd image via
  Google Maps and all sorts of other people have
  been debating what the truth could be.

  >> AOL search terms <<
  AOL recently made a bid for web cool: they
  released a fuck-load of data on what user have
  typed into search engines. Many commentators
  called it an invasion of privacy, and AOL
  abandoned the project. This didn't stop
  several sites hosting the data for their - and
  your - amusement. 

  >> 1930s London in colour <<
  Book publishers! Here's an idea for you.
  Remember the TV series, "World War II in
  Colour?" Do the same for major cities round
  the world. It'll fly of the shelves like shit
  off a catapult. Linky goes to a lovely colour
  picture of Piccadilly Circus.

  >> KKK Pyjamas <<
  Mums! Are you a God bothering-racist? Here's
  just the thing to dress up the junior
  master-race for bed time. Aaww.

  >> Snakes on a Plane redux <<
  Last week we controversially claimed that this
  Samuel L Jackson snakesploitation flick film
  had "jumped a big snakey shark", basically we
  were just moaning that we were bored of the
  pre-publicity . Anyway CactusBrain wrote in to
  say, "Esquire got there first. Either way, I
  totally agree with you guys, and the Esquire
  feature itself is a very good representation
  of the internet as a whole." He's right, it's
  a great read. Although it doesn't mention our
  pet theory that the film came from focus
  grouping common fears. "So 50% of people are
  afraid of snakes are they? And the other 50%
  are afraid of flying? Hmmm, if we combine the
  two then we'll double the box office."

  >> Big-cocked stick-men<<
  This is funny, rude and short. Insert your
  own joke here. (We tried "As if Danny Devito
  was re-incarnated as an animated gif" but
  couldn't really make it work.)

  >> BBC nonsense <<
  We always like linking to BBC pages which, if
  they were on any other website, we would
  hardly glance at. But by bringing the weight
  of the BBC to them, it adds an officialdom
  which amuses us. Read on 'the five stages of
  drunkenness', as the BBC claim, if you drink
  enough you turn invisible. Cool.

  >> Melting ice-cream <<
  We normally write this newsletter with our
  friend Dave, but didn't turn up last night and
  isn't answering his phone. We were just about
  to stick in a line saying, "maybe he's fallen
  under a bus or developed speed-AIDS" and then
  felt guilty that it might be true. Anyway, the
  point is, we often try and stick an arty link
  in to keep Dave happy. So here it is. (And
  Dave, hope you get well soon.)


  We adore the Dormouse

  Mr. Tea writes - "Apologies if 'things that
  makes you go aahh is a bit old hat these days,
  but I saw this dormouse on the Beeb web-site
  and simply couldn't resist. I mean, just LOOK
  at the little fucker!" Indeed. It's only a
  small picture but it did melt our black hearts.



  >> Spunk drinking monkey <<
  "Has this done the rounds already?" enquires
  Mystery Bob, "It made me laugh and wretch in
  equal amounts." 

  >> Bump keys <<
  Time to get paranoid: your house-locks are
  worthless and anyone with a 'bump key' can
  enter in under 30 seconds. We suggest sleeping
  with an axe on your pillow.


  Like Notes & Queries but a bit shit

  >> Stinky Battersea <<
  Last we we asked why did Battersea smell in
  the 1970s? The most convincing answer came
  from djcheesemaster who wrote, "it was because
  of Prices candle factory on the York Road. I
  had the misfortune to live on a direct line
  between that and Young's brewery, so if we
  didn't get the stench of rendered cattle, it
  was the stink of fermenting hops."

  This week: -

  >> The French? <<
  Douglasbrown asks, "How do French people 
  choose the gender of newly invented stuff?"


  Neolojizm, if you will.

  We asked you for some of your favourite
  swears. You replied in fucking droves.

  FENT - "the smell that occurs when old people
  have anal sex. Its 100% true. My mate says
  so!" (majoringram)

  HOODIE - "New family friendly term for
  foreskin. Blame it on the kids."

  DUDE - "Arabic for 'camel's scrotum'.  I use
  it all the time." (Anthony Sennett)

  SMIT - "Local chavs have come up with a new
  word for people with ginger hair."

  SAVILE ROW - "Old man spunk. A Sir Jimmy
  Savile related expletive." (Bennett Scott)

  And finally props to Charlie Hammerton who
  notes, "Frank Zappa's favourite curse was 'may
  your turds come to life and try to kiss you'"
  and he also claims that "Brad Pitt means wide
  cock in Swedish." Result!


  Three links that make us want to commit suicide
  >> Dick Bellringer <<
  "The journalist who wrote this story is worth
  a mention", quacks Iridium.

  >> 22 Coxon Parade <<
  "Anyone who, like me, finds immense pleasure
  in discovering funny street names can give up
  now", challenges Stuart Colebrook

  >> Jizz fashion <<
  "Walking around a shopping centre in Sydney",
  screams Lucy Doll, "when my boyfriend pointed
  out an interesting fashion store. I hope not
  all their clothes are dry clean only."


  Results from the Nanny State Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to predict the
  excesses of the Nanny State of the future.
  Your favourites included:
  * GRANDMA NATION - Possibly the most literal
  entry to a B3ta challenge ever, and all the
  better for it. Plus it's dead political, like.

  * EBAY BREATHALISER - Less of an invasion of
  privacy than a spectacularly useful piece of
  shopping software. (shavedchimp)

  * OUTLOOK FILTER - One day all e-mail
  programmes will be designed like this.
  (shavedchimp again)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Celebrity Autobiographies <<
  Ex-Take That member Gary Barlow's
  autobiography is called 'My Take'. Ho ho. Pick
  your favourite (or most hated) celeb and think
  of an amusingly relevant title for their book.
  Then design the cover.

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. Go on, rock our world. 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PANTS CHALLENGE - in an explosion of whimsey
  we asked you how much underwear could you
  simultaneously wear?

  WINNER. Nick the Greek made a great little
  video. "I know I look red and sweaty but you'd
  be the same after putting on 43 pairs of

  BOOBIE PRIZE. Tormentedpuffin squawks, "Since
  I am a lady, I tried it with bras instead. I
  managed to get all of my thirteen bras on, at
  once. It was fucking uncomfortable and my ribs
  are still hurting."

  * WOOYAY AUCTION. 300 quid was raised the
  charity St Francis Hospice. Fucking amazing
  really. Who the hell would want that domain

  * FLOPPY AND THE BONE - Daryl Stewart
  confesses, "I work at Oxford University
  Press's distribution warehouse in my
  shitty home town, and we stock all of the
  books! Anyway here's a picture of the main kid
  in the book pretending to be the
  dog...apparently." Heh.

  * TOP TIP ERRATA - Rachel Sugarcat mews, "the
  top tip in last week's newsletter is a load of
  bollocks. Potatoes don't absorb the salt in a
  soup. If you over-salt your soup, your best
  bet is to add more water and other ingredients
  to dilute it. Or just feed it to someone you
  don't like who has high blood pressure."

  * NOSTRIL CHALLENGE - Crooked smirks, "Four
  fingers up your nose? I can do better. 92p per



    >> Jimmy Savile song <<
  'Jimmy Jangle' is a new track from Braaayks
  Unskippable. Your Ginger Furher and Veitch
  reckoned it needed a quick and shoddy video so
  dashed this out for your viewing pleasure.

  >> Tesco War <<
  Remember that Alex Mallinson bloke? Nope? He
  did the dancing 2CV thing that even your dad
  emailed you last year. Ben Wheatley, no fool
  he, has joined forces with the talented 3D
  animator to raise the production values of his
  own projects. This is the result. BTW: This
  will also be broadcast as part of the BBC show
  'Time Crumpet' featuring Nicholas Lyndhurst
  fucking his own grandmother, becoming his own
  Granddad and causing a time paradox, "There's
  spunk in the space time continuum, and we need
  to reverse the polarity of my testicles!" Gah,
  we're making this up to make Ben feel
  paranoid, but enjoy the clip, for it is very

  >> Doctor Who skit <<
  Dr.A has worked out how to do Dalek voices and
  re-dubbed this Doctor Who clip with a script
  about call centres. Funny. No, really.

   >> Perv catcher <<
  "Hi", cybers Gary, "I've just made a new site
  all about catching pervs. Thought that it may
  give you a few laughs." Heh, we're not sure
  who the pervert is here. The people who Gary
  catches with his "I'm a 12 year old girl
  schtick" or Gary himself. Gary, admit it, you
  wish you were a little girl getting unlawful
  attention from older blokes. (We know we do.)



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TOE NAIL CHAIN MAIL - get all your mates to
  give you their toenail clippings and knit them

  it really needs to be said, but we can't
  actually we arsed to sort it out ourselves. My
  god! How many of these fucking sites are their

  * TONGUE STICKING OUT COMPO - We can only keep
  our tongue outside our mouth for about 30
  seconds before giving in. Can you beat us?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel. David
  Stevenson is unwell. Stuff sent in by hahn,
  jen, ben_dadds, and raerth. Top Tippery by
  sosumi. Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is normally QOTW
  bloke but he's off this week having babies
  (Yay to the new arrival.) Yay to b4ta. (For it
  is they who rule the world.)

  Baby wipes are great for cleaning paint and/or
  stain off of your skin, plus they smell nicer
  than turpentine or gasoline.

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