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This Week:
* VIDEO - Return of Arsonist Sam
* COKE - Are they ripping off Rathergood.com?
* SHIT - Lots of fecal stories

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 258 - 15 December 2006

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  Xmas Shopping Delivered!

  We're shipping UK orders placed up to Friday
  December 22nd for guaranteed Christmas
  delivery. Loads of great 80s inspired clothing
  and gifts from the A-Team, My Little Pony,
  Wonder Woman and many more. Free retro sweets
  and an exclusive Boy Fitz Hammond 'Mr T's
  Christmas' postcard with every order!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  The chaps who handle the ads for B3ta have
  asked Jonti to make a lovely Christmas card.
  This is what he came up with. 


  Women, Coke and Arson

  >> "Do it woman!" <<
  We can't help but feel sorry for Jeccy's poor
  put-upon 'woman' character. She has to deal
  with the escalatingly unreasonable demands of
  her suburban despot boyfriend. "Wrestle bears,
  woman!" "Burn the Jews, woman!" 

  >> Is Coke ripping off Rathergood? <<
  Argentine branch of Coke is running an advert
  striking similar to Joel's 'Flip out like a
  Ninja' song, which we launched in this very
  newsletter. Full story, video stylee, here:

  >> Arsonist Sam returns (briefly) <<
  We love custardy's charmingly mean-hearted
  reversal of kids' TV favourite Fireman Sam.
  Here's a very short new adventure. We want
  more, custardy - more, dammit!


  School Trips

  We wanted to hear about the chaos that always
  takes place on school trips:

  Here's three shit ones:

    "Didn't we have a luvverly time the day we
    went to Jodrell Bank space telescope? Well,
    no, not really. We were about eight or nine,
    and Mavourneen started whining about halfway
    up the motorway that she needed a shit. So
    our teacher Mrs Woods forced all of us to
    move into the front half of the coach (which
    meant perching on any available knee of the
    slightly older delegation from another -
    much rougher - school that we didn't even
    fucking know, inevitably leading to all
    kinds of "now we know your boy/girlfriend"
    taunts) while she used all of our coats to
    make a feeble impromptu 'curtain' across the
    rear half. She then 'borrowed' a tube of
    Pringles off fattie Briggs (even this
    lardfelcher was NOT going to be asking for
    it back) , gave us one each to keep us
    'occupied', and, still munching on a
    sizeable handful herself, embarked upon the
    distinctly audible (and highly balletic)
    process of coaxing Mavourneen into a
    breathtakingly dexterous bout of
    bum-sniper-tastic precision pooing at 55mph
    in the slow lane. Apparently she was doing
    alright until it started to curl.
    Afterwards, Mrs Woods threw the vile scud
    from the moving coach window, and told us in
    no uncertain terms that any further mention
    of the incident would result in a week of
    after-school sums. By the time we got to
    Jodrell (rubbish) half an hour later, entire
    classes from two different schools had
    racked up detentions lasting until sometime
    in mid-2026." (grey kid)
    "We went to the swimming pool every Friday
    for the ritual humiliation of baring our
    bodies to classmates so we could be mocked
    for years afterwards about our fat / hair /
    birthmarks / no tits etc. But at the end of
    each term, we were allowed to mess about
    with snorkels and masks. This provided a
    great opportunity to swim beneath Judy B in
    order to get a cod's eye view of her love
    mound. It also led to the situation where
    Adam S, a portly boy with freckles, had a
    dump in the pool. The high fat and corn
    content in the log caused it to bob heartily
    in his wake: the sadistic paedo swimming
    instructor ordered everyone out of the pool
    to avert a hygiene scandal. Everyone fled
    the pool like that scene in Jaws - everyone
    except John K, who surfaced from the deep
    directly below the Trident sub that was
    Adam's stool. As we gasped, it narrowly
    missed his breathing tube. As we winced, it
    settled with amazing accuracy on the top of
    his mask, shelf-like. Imagine how it must
    have seemed to him, surfacing to see his
    classmates screaming and pointing at him.
    Imagine the sensation as he slipped off the
    mask to ask "WHAT?!" ... and slicked the
    still warm turd back through his hair. He
    used a whole bottle of shampoo later."
    "We were all going on a trip to France in
    first year. The bus was full of 11-year-olds
    and four teachers who were trying to be
    'cool' and show how hip they were. A friend
    of mine was playing Dares with a few other
    guys; they dared my friend to take a dump in
    a brown paper bag. He does it. The bag gets
    passed around, much to everybody's dismay,
    one of the teacher notices the fuss. "What's
    going on here then?" "Nobody wants to pop
    the bag, sir" "You wusses, give it here
    then." *SPLAT* To this day, I've never heard
    children screaming so loud." (Tony_)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like you to cruellest Secret Santa
  presents. Giving anonymously is SO much fun.
  Talk to us here:


  Desperate "last push for the Xmas market"

  Stuck for inspiration for what to buy your mum
  this Christmas? Why not our Book of Sick
  Jokes? Or even 'A Hand in the Bush: the Fine
  Art of Vaginal Fisting.' We've put all your
  favourites into a list for your buying
  pleasure. Please buy our book, else the
  kittens will be cold this Christmas.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Ear fastener for oral condom patent <<
  Google has released a new search engine for
  sniffing around patents. Every page is a
  winner - we just typed in "anal sex" and came
  up with a pile of unlikely devices to make
  bumfun more convenient and hygenic.

  >> Trampvent calendar <<
  This redesign of the traditional Christmas
  countdown with the addition of multiple boozes
  couldn't be any better or, indeed, any
  simpler. So good, why restrict it to Christmas
  - why not every month?

  >> 40 best celebrity rumours <<
  From Prince Harry's dubious parentage to J
  Edgar Hoover being a cross dresser to Keanu
  Reeves marrying David Geffen, all your
  favourite, but probably untrue, stories are
  listed here. It's like 10 years of condensed
  popbitch but without the constant references
  to monkeys.


  Piglet squid

  One man's cute is another man's, er, well, not
  poison. What we're trying to say is that this
  peculiar-looking beastie is cute to us. Kind
  of. We give you... the piglet squid.


  Sod Youtube, all the cool kids use Revver now

  >> In-joke scream <<
  We can't believe we've never covered the
  'Wilhelm Scream' before. It's a sound effect
  originally made for a 1951 western that wound
  up in Warners' sound library and hence into so
  many other films that it's become a kind of
  geeky in-joke. Here's a montage of notable
  Wilhelm Scream appearances; as you can see,
  Spielberg is a particular aficionado.

  >> Horse balls <<
  As if just the name and the URL were not
  enough, the makers of these equine
  recreational aids have produced an explanatory
  video. A major benefit is they "cut down on
  stable vices like cribbing, wind-sucking,
  pawing or digging."

  >> Bush's United States of Whatever <<
  Great to see the now-legendary "Whatever" by
  Liam Lynch back in this animated recap of
  George W Bush's troubled administration.  

  >> Line Rider at the slopes <<
  We featured this game way back in newsletter
  249 - you draw a line which forms a slope for
  a little toboggan-riding dude. We were shit at
  it then and we are shit at it now, but the
  author of this has done something quite
  spectacular with it - there's extraneous
  detail, even. You could say he has too much
  time on his hands - but then they probably
  said that about Leonardo da Vinci.

  >> Xmas kitten <<
  "Oh no! Stuck in a mitten! Merry Christmas,
  Christmas kitten." Baffling, bizarre and
  clearly foreign, a music video Christmas card.
  They clearly had a lot of fun making this and
  we're not sure who the joke is on. Still
  fantastic though.


  Stop sending this shit in, we hate you

  >> Dildo, Newfoundland <<
  Dildo and neighbouring South Dildo are small
  Canadian communities on the southern Dildo arm
  of Trinity Bay. Fish processing is a major
  business, along with, presumably, hordes of
  people coming to mock their name.  

  >> Bald Knob Marina <<
  According to the website Bald Knob Marina is
  situated on 'Pistakee Lake'. Surely to
  goodness no; this cannot be real?

  >> Dr Kevin De Cock <<
  There's a term for people whose name relates
  to their profession with spooky synchronicity.
  We can't remember what it is, but we're sure
  someone will remind us. In the meantime, Dr De
  Cock is the director of the HIV/Aids
  department of the World Health Organisation.


  Results from the Global Warming Challenge

  Last week we wanted the positive benefits of
  climate change to be revealed.

  Your favourites included:
  * LONDON AIR - Spectacularly realised vision
  of our capital as the water level rises
  (Penultimate Straw)

  * NORTHERN LINE - Travel by tube will never be
  the same again (golddust)

  * DRIVING - Roundabouts will no longer be easy
  to navigate. Unless you're driving a yacht
  (Biggus Dickus)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Sick Christmas Cards <<
  Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat,
  it's almost time to kill the bastard thing. So
  celebrate the season by designing sick, rude,
  inappropriate or silly Christmas cards.
  Challenge suggested by Freddred.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CRAPTIC CROSSWORD - "Thanks for putting me
  in the newsletter," beams baldmonkey. "You
  can't imagine how much it means to someone who
  is as much of an attention whore as I am. You
  made a pathetic cunt very happy." The answers
  are as follows, Across: 1. Butt Plug, 3.
  Spunk, 5. Bastard, 7. Piss, 9. Cock, 12. Soapy
  tit wank. Down: 2. Gang Rape, 4. Wanker, 6.
  Twat, 8. Sodomy, 10. Cunt, 11. Mother Fucker.
  (Take that spam filters!)

  * SNOWMAN - "Loved the snowman ad in the
  newsletter," writes expf. "I have a lady
  friend, who adores The Snowman and watches (or
  rather watched) it every year, because it's
  'part of Christmas'. To avoid this, and not
  have to watch that sentimental pap again,
  because it is on EVERY year, simply sing
  along: 'I'm wanking in your hair, I'm
  spluffing in it while you sleep. I've come so
  may times you're sticking to the sheets...'
  Instantly memorable, and bound to save an hour
  more of Xmas for stuffing your face 'because
  you've ruined it'."

  * JURY SERVICE TOP TIP - Chom tells us, "I'm
  currently temping as an electoral form
  cross-checker for the council. Writing 'I'm
  not a nig-nog' wouldn't get you out of jury
  duty. If you want to do that tick that you're
  over 70. No jury duty if you're not found
  out... a thousand pound fine if you are."

  B3ta Sick Cracker Jokes", joshes Todd the
  Groincrusher, "to great effect today. Look.


  Nintendo advent calendar

  Unlike most online advent calendars, which are
  shit, this one offers you something good -
  almost as good as the actual chocolate you get
  with a real one. The game is, basically, Mario
  as a snowman - but that's no bad thing at all.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * JAP'S EYE LIP-SYNC - Take your old chap in
  hand, stick on some Barry White and let the
  cock karaoke commence. Oh yeah, and film it.
  And stick it on GooTube.

  * CASHFORKITTENS.COM - you upload kittens,
  others vote on the cutests and we all split
  the adsense profits.

  * BBEDIT FOR THE PC - we're fed up with having
  to flit between a Mac and a PC simply because
  BBedit is superior to any text editor we've
  ever used.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by citizenloz,
  Andeh, ratking, yermom, eight,
  collapsibletank, chris sunshine, sharleyq, Che
  Grimsdale, Wormulus and the b3ta talk massive
  Top Tippery by Fenris Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Rape to b4ta. (4)

  You can delete incorrect form data from your
  autocomplete by highlighting it and hitting
  shift+del. Useful if you have mistyped
  something before and now it keeps popping up
  and irritating you.

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