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This Week:
* MYSTIC MEG - She talks bollocks. Proof.
* BEES - How to kill them 
* Y2K - Are you prepared?

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're shaving our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       legs... together"

B3ta email 259 - 5 January 2007

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  The world's first "adverband" is RockDotRock,
  assembled by Symantec Corporation & inspired
  by Spinal Tap and Stryper.  They’re out to
  educate the masses about Internet Crime
  through the majesty of Rock ‘n’ Roll...
  seriously. They’ve just released their first
  video - click to watch!  

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  You wouldn't want the kittens to get poorly
  would you?


  Forecasts, Tips, Drawing, Spectrums and Guns

  >> Mystic Meg and the real world <<
  Shamelessly sceptical, new_matt spent 2006
  tracking the predictions of News of the World
  top astronomer Mystic Meg. Here's a reprint of
  2005's column with each point rated for
  accuracy. She's surprisingly good on politics,
  less so on sports or the possibility of aliens
  contacting Earth.

  >> Crafty women's tips and fiddles <<
  The fatpie guys have been watching too much
  late night digital TV. So much so that they've
  been driven to make their own crap-style
  craft-based infomercial. "Our lovely
  presenters June and Sandy will talk you
  through the basics of Christmas crafting with
  helpful hints and tips, as well as hot
  products that aren't available in the shops."

  >> "I should draw more" <<
  "Tell me what to draw and I will draw it,
  boasts doktored. "One a day." Today's depicts
  gypsies cooking a hedgehog. That was Rob's
  request. What would you like him to draw?

  >> 'Spectrum emulator' <<
  One for the retro-computing enthusiasts,
  perhaps. "Inspired by MJ Hibbett's old Hey Hey
  16k song I decided to throw together this
  ultra-realistic flash/javascript Spectrum
  emulator," writes AnAnonymousAlcoholic. Short
  sharp reminder of what it was like to try
  playing computer games in the early eighties.

  >> Computer trap shoot <<
  Kentucky-based b3tard Miss Cellania sends us
  this "video of some hi-tech hillbillies using
  my computer for target practice. That's the
  way we like to celebrate holidays, with guns
  and explosives." Email problems meant we
  didn't get to see this until now - shame, as
  it's really good.


  Falling Asleep

  Last week we wanted to know the strangest
  places you've fallen asleep:

    "This question stirred something scary I
    thought was tucked away for good. To cut an
    insanely long story short: I slept next to a
    corpse in a family-to-a-room dwelling in an
    extremely poor part of Singapore, as the
    'honoured' guest. It's not the sleeping,
    it's the dreams and the waking up...
    *shudder*" (baldie)
    "At a party during my mid teens, got
    hammered and ended up on the floor amongst
    all the other bodies. I awoke to see some
    lads lifting a comatose teen into a wardrobe
    on the floor and slowly turn it over. Some
    time passed and they waited, drinking juice
    and keeping quiet. Eventually the contents
    of the wooden box stirred, and they began
    reciting "ashes, to ashes, dust to dust we
    commend his soul to all eternity, etc, etc"
    and chucking coins, pasta, rice and other
    crap onto the box. The contents murmured,
    stirred, paused and then began screaming,
    kicking and sobbing loudly that he was still
    alive as books and piles of clothes were
    thrown onto his coffin to simulate sods of
    earth. I'll never forget the pure white,
    tear streaked face of that dead teenager
    when he was dug up out of his tomb."
    "As a cadet I ended up part of a group sent
    on a ride in a Chinook chopper for a quick
    buzz around. Having spent the entire
    previous night on watch or in a ditch I was
    absolutely knackered and promptly fell
    asleep. Unfortunately for me, the rear crew
    noticed, hooked me up to a tether and stood
    me in front of the wide open rear doors. The
    pilot started doing some fancy low level
    stuff with me passed out hanging from my
    tether. Try to imagine waking up and seeing
    only land and sky rotating at very strange
    angles, the wind rushing and the crew
    screaming over the comms, "Holy shit, how
    the fuck did he fall out the back?"
    repeatedly." (R.M.O.)

  >> Last, Last Week's Question <<
  The week before last, well it was Christmas,
  and we wanted the secret Santa presents you
  had bought for people you hate. Quite why this
  resulted in Frankspencer posting more of his
  soft porn stories, we don't know:

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like to know what you've failed at. So
  far, that is. Talk to us here:


  Want more money? Respect? Same/opposite sex adoration?
  Visit Chinwag Jobs and get a new job.  After
  your behaviour at your Christmas party, you
  know it makes sense.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Problems with bees <<
  American family notices a huge cluster of bees
  congregating where the kids play. What would
  you do? Looks like in order to save the swing
  set they were forced to destroy it. Great pics.

  >> National stereotypes <<
  Take the first Google Image result for "French
  man", "French woman" etc. and what you're left
  with, for the most part, is a highly effective
  collection of national stereotypes. Not on
  this page but well worth trying is "Welsh man".

  >> Armour for cats and mice <<
  This guy makes spectacular suits of
  fully-articulated armour for both cats and
  mice. We can't help but feel he's profiteering
  from the natural antipathy between the two
  species - what next; tiny handguns to fit
  their little paws? For shame!

  >> What 200 calories looks like <<
  Photos of 200 calories-worth of various
  foodstuffs, so you can fully appreciate the
  calorific density. On the basis that the
  average adult has to consume around 2000
  calories per day, we can say we'd rather drink
  600ml of Bailey's than eat 5kg of broccoli.
  Mostly as a matter of saving time.

  >> Spider Bite <<
  If you needed any incentive to not play around
  with spiders, take a gander at this sequence
  of pics. They document the progress of a
  spider bite from envenomation to when the poor
  guy's hand bursts open in a truly horrible
  display of Mother Nature's bounty. Necrotic
  venom is nasty, nasty.

  >> Paul McCartney on drugs <<
  Arguably the internet's most complete history
  of the Beatles maestro's encounters with
  pharmaceuticals through his career. He's
  hipper than you'd think.

  >> Fake vagina sanitary towel <<
  More from the ever-trusty Google Patents
  search and what a find! It's an artificial
  vagina on a sanitary towel - to permit
  simulated sex while a woman is on her period.
  Deeply weird. Also, it looks like some sort of
  freaky cocoon.

  >> Words rated by popularity <<
  Wordcount is a project to rate words according
  to how often they're used in the English
  language. It also lets you type in words to
  see how high they're ranked. This is the page
  that ranks words according to how often people
  search for them.

  >> Amazon's most useless book? <<
  "Forewarned is fore-armed" for some people and
  they will be gladdened to know that they can
  still get hold of Scott Marks' classic "Y2K:
  It's Not Too Late : Complete Preparedness
  Guide". Best of all, Amazon says it's 'Usually
  dispatched within 1 to 2 working days'.


  Apparently the kids like Youtube

  >> Backwards man <<
  Short film telling the tale of an unfortunate
  soul at odds with the rest of the universe
  through the medium of reversing film footage.
  Lovely musical accompaniment / commentary,
  which is mostly why we like it. "Backwards Man
  gets pigs from spam" - lyrical genius indeed.

  >> Pulp Fiction - just the fucks <<
  Tarantino's classic with all the non-profanity
  edited out. Maybe we've seen this film too too
  many times but it still seemed pretty much the
  same to us. 

  >> Weatherman vs cockroach <<
  The show must go on, they say. But what would
  you do if you were giving the weather forecast
  and found a cockroach crawling up your leg?
  We'd mock this fellow's panic-stricken retreat
  more, but you should see us when there's a
  spider in the bath. 


  Gaye Cox
  Superfuzz56 writes to say, "I worked on a
  helpdesk in a New Zealand university. When I
  got a call from this lady I thought someone
  was taking the piss, but no. She was very
  nice, I really came to like Gaye Cox."


  Results from lots and lots of challenges

  As we haven't run a newsletter for a few weeks
  we've got a backlog of challenges to get

  * Not that it's very relevant now, but we did
  do sick Xmas cards. You might want to save off
  a few of these for sending next year.

  * Two weeks ago we asked you to design album
  sleeves gone wrong. 

  * And last week we demanded to see tributes to
  the rich and famous who'll die this year. You
  killed off greats including Margaret Thatcher,
  David Blaine and that Barry Scott.

  >> New challenge: Real Life Cartoons <<
  Elmer Fudd pesky wabbit control? President
  Brain and vice president Pinky? What would
  happen if you took cartoon characters and put
  them in the real world? Challenge suggested by


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  NOMINATIVE DETERMINISM - A couple of weeks ago
  we wrote "There's a term for people whose name
  relates to their profession with spooky
  synchronicity. We can't remember what it is,
  but we're sure someone will remind us." Mucho
  thanko to Joe Sinclair for jogging our tired

  AUTOCOMPLETE TIP - Way back in issue 258 our
  top tip told you how to delete items from your
  browser's autocomplete. "Thanks!" beams tom
  the astronaut. "Using that - and deleting
  items from my history - I can watch as much
  porn as is humanly possible and never get
  caught." Yay. 

  SWEARY WIRELESS - "Am I," inquires
  wouldyoubelieveiamabarrister, "the only person
  who's noticed that the SSID on your wifi is an
  opportunity to broadcast a case sensitive text
  string with a maximum of 32 alphanumeric
  characters to every computer user in every
  domicile within 20 metres of your hovel?

  "Over the past few months my router has
  changed its name from the experimental
  'fuckoff' through
  'ask_your_daddy_if_anal_hurts' to the more
  targeted 'TheTwatsInNumber63areChavScum' and

  "I would love to know if other people have
  been playing this game too. does it already
  have a name?" If nobody was doing it before,
  they surely will now. What a fantastic idea!

  BTW: This is an email from a bloke who lives
  next door to B3ta HQ and has noticed our
  wireless network is called 'cunt'.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * WIKI-CELEBRA-DEATH - captainsarcasm writes,
  "I've basically a new game. The idea is to go
  on a celebrity's profile on Wikipedia, and
  just add their death date. Nothing to out
  there, just a simple (19th April 1960 - 22nd
  December 2006). Then wait how long until
  somebody notices. If you pass the twenty
  minute mark, then you win. So far, fellow
  b3tans have killed Ruby Wax, Jjune Ssarpong
  and Jeremy Beadle." We're amused, even if we
  don't really condone such things, as Wikipedia
  is probably our (second) favourite site ever.

  * CHEAT THE POST OFFICE - postbear has
  contacted us reckoning that you can save your
  stamps by, "swap the to and from address on
  the envelope. Nine times out of ten, the
  letter gets delivered where you want it." Can
  someone test this? Or you might like to use
  tiny envelopes, a child-like scrawl and
  address them to 'daddy'. We reckon this stands
  a chance.

  Driverchris has made a handy chart for you to
  read and learn.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Flapjack,
  Craig, Flash_Bastard, Simon Gibson, Just
  Harry, mince, bunnybutt, We are the lemon, Top
  Tippery by fat pat's dusty twat. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Hello to b4ta.
  (think of a number)


  NEVER use the envelope provided with your VAT
  returns if they're going to be a few days
  late.  These are pre-printed with a barcode to
  ensure that they drop on the correct desk
  within hours of arriving.  Without the barcode
  they will be held in limbo for a few days
  anyway, so back-date away chums.

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