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This Week:
* RUDE ROUTERS - a sub 'That's Life' feature
* AUSTRALIAN MPS - Our favourite quotes
* WIKIDEATH - You killed 'em, we print 'em

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 261 - 19 Jan 2007

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  in the survey and try and get a free TomTom.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then speak to us using your
  finger mouths.


  Squirrels, banknotes and mobile phone trickery

  >> Tufty the squirrel is very naughty <<
  "Remember Tufty, the cute road safety squirrel
  from years gone by?" demands Dr.A. "I've found
  DVD copies of all his harmless exploits - and,
  of course, turned them into something
  horrible." Yay. Nothing we like better than
  seeing our innocent childhood memories
  horrible desecrated. Good pay-off too.

  >> Bank note notes <<
  "When was the last time money made you think?"
  was the question occupying the B3ta /talk
  boards not so very long ago. Inspired,
  acid_kewpie put together a site encouraging
  people to write questions on bank notes and
  post pictures. Unlike fly posting or handing
  out leaflets, banknotes have an inherent value
  so chances are your message will be seen by a
  load of people over the life-span of the note.

  >> 'It's Tricky' vid <<
  Wordbomb is clearly pleased with the flicky
  opening action of his snazzy mobile phone.
  Combine that with a dose of boredom in the
  office and epic silliness is bound to ensue.
  Clever vid to Run DMC's classic using mostly a
  mobile phone and some post-its. 


  My Collection

  Last week we asked to hear about the
  strange things you collect:

    "As a kid, my brother once tried collecting
    his farts. He approached the whole business
    quite scientifically; for a maladjusted
    sinister little bastard. He secreted an old
    Nescafe jar into the bathroom and filled it
    to the brim with water. Every time he needed
    a trumpetation in the bath, he'd submerge
    the jar upside down, unscrew the top, push
    it next to his fun junction, and let rip.
    Once the cloud of goodness was trapped, he'd
    re-screw the air-tight lid underwater and
    replace the jar on the bathroom shelf.
    Voila..." (geegee)
    "A while back, one of my friends had a small
    collection of rudimentary assembled lego
    toys on top of his wardrobe. So, while he
    was out of the room getting us a drink I did
    the obvious and took them all apart and
    feverishly rebuilt them into something
    resembling a pixelated cock and balls. I
    expected him to at least smile but he turned
    round and looked at me as if I'd just
    suggested some casual rape fun with his
    mother. "What?" I asked. "My lego!" He
    squealed with tears in his eyes and I
    started to get a little worried. "They were
    the first things I ever built! I was three!
    My mother kept them for me! They've not been
    touched in 16 years!" He finished, now
    openly crying. I swallowed hard and then
    should have just waited forlornly for the
    ground to swallow me up after merrily
    destroying his childhood in two minutes of
    misguided mirth. Instead I felt my mouth
    open and heard myself say, "You don't like
    the cock then?" (Gleeballs) 
    I collect records. I spent three years
    assembling a collection of Tubular Bells (by
    Mike Oldfield). 100 copies of it. I love
    having them as a collection, but ideally I'd
    like to play them all at the same time.
    Anyone out there want to lend me 100 record
    decks? I've catalogued them all too. (iivix) 

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like to hear about the weird kid in your


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> The one-dollar compound microscope <<
  Exactly what you'd expect - step-by-step
  instructions on how to make your own
  high-quality compound microscope using bits of
  old wood and the lenses from disposable
  cameras. Nice project - particularly if you
  happen to have some very small things you're
  keen on getting a good look at.

  >> Dogshit catch bag <<
  There really is a good argument to be made for
  putting decorative trousers on pets - it's
  nasty having to look at their naked arseholes
  all day long. Perhaps we should get the TV
  fixed. On the other hand, although this
  strange contraption means your dog doesn't
  leave its crap everywhere, it seems wrong on
  so many levels. From the accordian-like poo
  bag filling up to the little turdy howdah your
  canine chum is supposed to wear. Wrong.

  >> Crazy lady sings to kids <<
  Here's a peculiar thing - this woman has
  clearly been spending too much time cooped up
  at home with her children. She's released an
  album of the odd little songs she croons to
  her kids about the things they get up to. We
  recommend 'The Poo Song' as particularly
  typical. Also noteworthy, the plasticine
  models she has made of her family.

  >> Jade Goody fansite forums <<
  The major entertainment story of the week
  seems to have come from Celebrity Big Brother,
  with chav extraordinaire Jade mining a deep
  vein of racism in her spat with Bollywood
  actress Shilpa Shetty. As you'd expect, her
  fansite's forums make for some mighty fine
  reading and it's nigh-impossible to tell the
  trolls from Jade's more 'speshul' fans.
  Standout quotes: "EYE CUN NOT BALIEVE HOW
  JAYLEOUS U ALL R!" and "Why has Shilpa not
  apologised for 9/11?" Yup, it's that good.

  >> Katie Price and Peter Andre sing! <<
  It had to happen, we suppose. Top celebrity
  couple Katie Price (glamour model) and Peter
  Andre (early 90s pop sensation) have released
  an album of their musical stylings. Sadly, you
  can't listen online but the many, many, many
  customer reviews may give you an idea of what
  you're missing.


  Like animated gifs, but with sound

  >> Australian politics <<
  You might remember Midnight Oil, Australian
  political rockers, who had in a hit in the UK
  'Beds are Burning'. But did you know the lead
  singer ended up as an MP down-under? Here's
  one of the opposition mocking his dancing and
  lyrics in parliament to score a few points.
  We're moving to OZ. It looks so much more fun
  than the UK. 

  >> The real Borat? <<
  Enjoying this song, particularly the mix of
  ethnic singing and cheesy autotune (Cher's I
  Believe) production. So odd that with the
  right promotion this could even be a hit.

  >> Funny French? <<
  Finally, a sign that the French are moving
  their humour on from mime and shouting 'le
  roast beef' at English people. They've only
  gone and made an amusing commercial for a TV
  channel. Regardez.

  >> Cooking breaks <<
  We once saw a chap called Beardy Man do a
  beatbox thing at an event at London's ICA. We
  chatted to him afterwards and said, "you've
  got to get this stuff out on the web, people
  are going to go mad for it." It looks like
  Youtube is his new friend and we have a star
  in the making. Great stuff.


  Our favourite quotes
  In tribute to our earlier video link, here's a
  handful of things Antipodean politicos have
  said which amuse us:
  BTW: Here's a couple of our favourite quotes
  from Australian MPs.

  * "I was implying that the Honourable Member
  for Wentworth was like a lizard on a rock -
  alive, but looking dead."

  * "I suppose that the Honourable Gentleman's
  hair, like his intellect, will recede into the

  * "That you Jim? Paul Keating here. Just
  because you swallowed a fucking dictionary
  when you were about 15 doesn't give you the
  right to pour a bucket of shit over the rest
  of us."

  * And finally in Melbourne a few years back
  there was a lot of noise in the media after
  one politician accused another of "having a
  couple of kangaroos loose in the top paddock".

  (Thanks to Mike Trinder for supplying these
  quotes via his surprising memory for such


  Still shit, skip this bit if you like

  >> "My school has the best names" <<
  Miss Sausage brags, "At my school we've got a
  lot of teachers with interesting names,
  featuring Miss J Maycock, Mr P Brain, Mr Paul
  Dixon (middle initial is M, rumoured to be
  My), Mrs A Cocca, Mrs K Cumming and "Mrs L
  Tkocz" (try pronouncing it)." Hmm. We wonder
  what your teachers are going to make of you
  sending this in? We've changed your name to
  protect your identity...

  >> Mrs Mendham <<
  "Here's one for your nominative determinism",
  squeals McCharf, "My old school nurse was
  called Mrs Mendham. Apparently she still works
  there - under In Case of Illness."


  Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear
  A few weeks ago we mentioned the game of
  changing famous people's Wikipedia entries and
  seeing how long they ask. 
  We feel a little guilty about this, as
  Wikipedia is really great, but sod it, we
  asked you to do it anyway.
  * "Michael Winner has now been dead for nearly
  48 hours. Do I win £5?" (wormwood)

  * "Managed to kill off Justin Lee Collins for
  6 hours and 24 minutes on Monday, from 12.43
  till 19.07.  If only it had been permanent!"
  * "Hey hey hey, I killed Pat Sharp! It's now
  nearly 24 hours later and he's still dead - do
  I win?" (painreliever) 
  * "Will Young - 21 mins, Jade Goody - Still
  dead even after subsequent edits, Paul Burrell
  - Still dead, Peter André - Still dead, Jordan
  (Katie Price) - Still dead Tom Cruise - 1 min
  (bastards). I got a bit bored after that."

  * And finally, it looks like it reached the
  papers, nina_buchan writes, "I was guzzling
  tea and leafing through today's (16/01/07)
  copy of Metro in the work canteen when
  something caught my eye. Lo, a small article
  about a distraught Marti Pellow (of Wet Wet
  Wet 'fame') fan who had looked up said star on
  Wikipedia and discovered to her
  knicker-wetting horror that he died last
  Friday. Only he didn't really. Can't think how
  that happened."


  Your naughty names for your wireless networks
  A few weeks ago we mentioned that the Official
  B3ta HQ network is called 'cunt' mainly to
  annoy the neighbours, and you've written in in
  your droves to tell us the inappropriate
  language you're locally broadcasting:

  * "My computer detects a network called
  'Outrageous Sexy Nuns'" (Odradek)
  * "I've got a Bluetooth phone, bored with the
  usual "Barry's Fone", decided to get straight
  to the point: "Fuck Off". BTW: My wireless is

  * "For yonks I broadcast "You are gay" until I
  moved house and it turned out that next door
  actually were. Probably still are for all I
  know, I changed it to 'I like you'" (Dermot O

  * "Netgear? I changed it to Netqueer."

  * "I recently came across a network named 
  tam_is_a_fat_cunt_ask_cliff. Makes a change
  from "WRT54g" I guess." (matt)

  * "I've also had fun with the SSID for my
  wireless router.  My favourite so far has been


  Results from the Army Recruitment Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to come up with 
  reasons to join the army.

  Your favourites included:
  * THE GREAT ESCAPE - war? it's just like a
  computer game (Hummel)

  * PICTURE PUZZLE - probably too testing to
  work in real life, but a commendable approach
  to recruitment nonetheless (Manic)

  * WIN AN iPOD - banks do it to attract young
  customers, why not the army? (Count Vanderhoff)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: United Kingdom Of France <<
  France and Britain held secret talks in the
  1950s with a view to becoming a single,
  unified nation. How would this barmy scheme
  have affected life and popular culture in both


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  GLOBAL WARMING - we were puzzled as to why
  water levels would rise with the melting polar
  ice caps as water expands when it freezes.
  Syncubus engaged mighty brain and told us "The
  ice that is melting is not floating in the
  ocean.  It is on land-masses and rushing into
  the sea." That seems to cover it and we will
  be far less perplexed when the waves finally
  come lapping up Kentish Town Road.

  CILLIT BANG - Woo! "After a long long stream
  of issues with licensing and promoting and
  that bollocks, Cillit Bang is out this Monday
  for definite," beams sonic b3tard Jakazid.
  He's speaking, of course, of his dance remix
  of the iconic household cleanser ad.
  "It's been hilarious seeing fans of 'happy
  hardcore' arguing that this track will kill
  their 'scene' so I can't wait," he continues.
  "Thanks for your support on this. Doubt the
  track would be so popular if it weren't for
  your hosting and promotion from the beginning."


  Rube Goldburger machine
  Arrange the pieces of this convoluted machine
  so that it delivers a nice burger and shake
  for your dinner. Just tough enough to be a bit
  of a challenge and very pleasing when you
  finally get it right.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  Ironman Tetsuo write, "Ideally I see them as
  rubber-coated memory sticks, with the rubber
  coating being made of a similar stuff to the
  old 1980's smelly rubbers so that the
  USBourbons actually smell like Bourbon
  biscuits, especially when the warmth of the
  connected computer affects them. I've sent
  emails out to various memory stick makers and
  am anxiously awaiting replies, but the B3ta
  newsletter reaches more techno-geeks than I
  can on my own..."

  am one of those tax-dodging benefit-taking
  students that gets money off the government
  from something called the 'hardship fund'. My
  mate, who works for his money, wanted to know
  what percentage of his taxes go towards me. ie.
  how much is he contributing to my drinking and
  sleeping lifestyle? I would like to know if
  anyone has the computer know-how to make a
  program that calculates the answers."

  We've been annoying our mates too long with,
  "Oh, you're visiting Amsterdam are you? Pick us
  up some Amber Leaf."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel
  with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  coolchick365, difficultchild, ihardcastle and
  Humpty Dumpty Top Tippery by Jack Rarebit
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. W00t
  to b4ta. (We normally say about 150,000)


  Want to make that classic Hammer Horror
  "smoking beaker" effect in your own home, but
  can't get dry ice anywhere? Acquire a
  soda-stream bottle (the big ones) and put a
  marble against the valve stem. Put a
  double-layer of tight cloth around the whole
  valve area and press the cylinder down hard on
  the marble, against a tabletop or suchlike.
  The cylinder must be valve-down to do this.
  Solid carbon dioxide will accumulate rapidly
  in the material and can be forced out in a
  lump (carefully, it can give you a nasty
  freeze burn). Drop this lump into someone's
  drink for that chilly, drifting fog effect. n.b.
  - it's not harmful, but don't let them swallow
  the dry ice!

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