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This Week:
* KITTENWAR.COM - The interview YOU demanded!
* WEEBL - His cat is still called 'Cat Face'
* AMY WINEHOUSE - Nope, not with yours

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "We're saving with 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Northern Rock... together"

B3ta email 295 - 21 Sept 2007

Read this issue in your browser:

     Duran Duran:  [email protected]
Spandau Ballet:  [email protected]

  Frag That Lag

  B3tards – make sure you have prioritised
  broadband for all your online gaming needs.
  Plus, sod a pikey laptop – get Rainbow Six
  Vegas or GRAW2 FREE when you sign up!


  Weebl, QOTW HotorNot, Kittenwar & Faces  

  >> Kittenwar interview <<
  In which the multifarious hordes of our
  messageboards ply kittenmeisters Fraser and
  Tomsk with questions regarding their cat-based
  battle website. Of course, the guys pretty
  much forgot to mention that they've got a
  tie-in book coming out. Doh. Anyway, ideal
  gift etc etc.

  >> Cat Face 5 <<
  Cat Face takes some time to chill out a
  little, in the latest of Weebl's floaty
  feline-headed adventures.

  >> B3ta beauty contest <<
  Is b3ta ugly? That's the question that's
  clearly been keeping Emily Bruce-Dickinson
  awake of a night. Judging by this Hotornot
  poll of B3ta Question of the Week users' pics
  we'd have to say a fairly firm 'no'. Although
  we were reluctant to stray into the lower
  regions of the list, preferring to maintain
  our illusions that the internet is only used
  by bronzed surfer dudes and cute punky girls
  with pierced tongues. 

  >> Objects with faces <<
  Inanimate objects with faces - faces that
  watch. Watch you masturbating. So don't do it,
  kids. Anyway, Toast Master has assembled a
  nice gallery of simulacra for you to peruse.


  Personal Ads

  Last week we asked for your experiences with
  personal ads. Most of you took it as a chance
  to try and get laid on the aforementioned Hot
  or Not pages:

  Here are four that don't involve dating ugly

  * "MY MUM IS A CAT PIMP and offers the
  services of her champion pedigree toms to
  kitties on heat whose owners are willing to
  pay a few hundred quid for the privilege. One
  time, this rather obnoxious, snooty cow
  brought in her equally snooty, overly-fluffed,
  inbred, pugfaced puss for a thorough servicing
  from prime stud 'Snowwitch Mists of Avalon
  Trojan Warrior' (the names get worse, believe
  me). Pugface tried her very best to gain the
  stud's attention... arse in the air, choccie
  starfish on display at all times, meowing like
  a Yoko Ono record on 78 and rolling around on
  the floor in a desperate attempt to get buffed
  into the next century. Trojan Warrior,
  however, wasn't in the slightest bit
  interested. He preferred the giant lop-eared
  rabbit that ran free in the kittie pen, and
  attempted to give him a good rogering. For his
  efforts he was rewarded with a series of swift
  bunny kicks to the feet, body and head. My
  mum, embarrassed and desperate to get the
  money, tried everything to get them to mate
  that weekend, but alas, Trojan Warrior only
  had eyes and spiky cat cock for the
  thunder-footed, big-eared one. So, that's the
  sordid world of cat dating for you." (brixton
  where you text in with messages? We decided to
  try to get some of history's greatest bastards
  a date. Unfortunately all the messages are
  monitored/filtered, so Adolf Hitler was shot
  down in flames, but we struck gold with the
  following ad: "Mature, refined gentleman,
  doctor, seeks older woman to look after for
  the rest of her days. Harry." We were
  inundated with three whole responses wanting
  more information from Harry, including, "what
  are you a doctor of?" "Elderly care" was our
  response. In case you're wondering, it is
  entirely possible to be banned from a text
  dating channel." (LabiaMajora)
  * "BUSTED. Last night at the dinner table my
  son says, "I found you on b3ta... I recognised
  your vasectomy story." "Oh," says my wife to
  me, "what else did you put on there?" "Well
  there was the vasectomy story and the one
  about my mum asking my ex for porn." My son
  went pale and quietly said, "You mean that was
  you? I'd already read that and didn't look at
  who posted it by the time I worked out your
  name. You mean that was nanny?" So, to save my
  son having even more information, I had best
  not post anything about any experience with
  internet dating I may or may not have had.
  Which is a pity because the one about the mad
  Welsh woman and the candles is mildly
  amusing." (bald old git)
  And finally,
  * "MEN SEEKING WOMEN section, local newspaper,
  Wanted: fanny. Can't believe they printed it.
  Unless 'fanny' was her name?" (nappy rash)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Have you ever been told off as an adult? You
  know, the sort of thing that dredges up an
  involuntary teenage mumble of "Sorry, Miss"
  whilst you stare at the ground. Talk to us


  Sponsored link

  The special one's departure affected some more
  than others... Get out the Kleenex and watch
  this emotional appeal, from a die hard Chelsea
  fan, to 'Leave Jose ALONE!'


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Laptop Pong <<
  Brilliant idea - shame it's Mac-only. Arcade
  classic Pong but you control the bat by
  tilting your laptop around. Of course, that
  will make you look like a twat if you do it on
  the bus.

  >> Museum of Food Anomalies <<
  A wide selection of peculiarly deformed fruit,
  veggies and crisps. Like the Elephant Man's

  >> LOL God <<
  Retelling the Greatest Story Ever Told,
  LOLcats style. "im on ur cross, rediming ur

  >> The Luther Burger <<
  A one-pound beefburger fried, topped with
  cheese and bacon and sandwiched between two
  Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Legend has it, the
  dish was invented by legendary trencherman
  Luther Vandross. Not, as we initially
  suspected, by Lex Luthor as part of some
  cholesterol-based Superman assassination bid. 

  >> Internet people <<
  We sort of skipped this homage to weird web
  characters when it was out a little while ago.
  But it is good and the bonus game is to see
  how many of them you recognise. Worryingly, we
  can also play the game of how many we've
  shared a bathroom with.


  Not typing 'Zoe Salmon' into YouTube search

  >> Can you see what it is yet? <<
  Inventive sequence of dirty little doodles -
  or are they? A few quick pen marks and their
  true, innocuous shape can be seen.

  >> Squirrel mission impossible <<
  Classic eighties UK TV, featuring squirrels
  completing assault courses and pushing their
  very limits just to nick some bird seed. 

  >> Cadburys done better <<
  Probably about to receive an award from Cannes
  in the coveted "best use of a gorilla in a
  chocolate commercial" category, you've
  already seen the clip we're talking about. But
  we enjoyed this fan edit that improves the
  admittedly amusing original by changing the
  music to Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the
  Heart. Altogether now, "Once upon a time I was
  falling in love, now I'm only falling

  >> Amy Winehouse <<
  Poor old skag-addled Amy Winehouse, she's
  reached that low point in her career where
  she's an easy way to get a cheap laugh. Like
  this quick and dirty mix of the "they tried to
  make be go to rehab" song and a rather famous
  clip of a skinny tranny with dodgy limbs.

  >> Lemon Party redux <<
  When history calls upon us to write the
  definitive encyclopaedia of web-cruft, we'll be
  saving a whole chapter for Lemon Party, the
  strangely endearing image of old men engaging
  in mutual oral fun. Looks like some American
  comedy show is also getting into the act.

  >> Pole position ad! <<
  Yay for the directors on this TV spot for an
  early 80s computer game. They are doing their
  best to make it look exciting, and they almost
  succeed until they cut to footage of the game.
  As if an audience wouldn't spot the join! This
  had us roaring with geek joy.

  >> Hitler vs iSktech <<
  What a gift the movie Downfall has been to
  webtards: a couple of hours of Nazis, Germans
  and Hitler, all in German, so it can be cut
  with any-old subtitles, and most English
  speaking viewers will be willingly fooled.
  Loving this edit, where Adolf is particularly
  annoyed about his banning from the popular web
  game, iSketch.


  Results from the Elvis Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to 'shop Elvis Presley.

  Your favourites included:
  * IRONING - A rare glimpse of Presley at home.
  Domestic bliss in a white jumpsuit (HappyToast)

  * GUY GOMA - Our blundering hero returns, this
  time confused with the King of Rock 'n Roll
  (Peter Beater)

  * STARCH - The secrets of Elvis' trousers
  revealed (Monkeon)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Amy Winehouse <<
  We love tabloid superstar Amy Winehouse. With
  her massive hair, blistering jazz pipes and
  nasty habits, all she's missing is a series of
  puerile photoshop gags made at her expense. So
  let's put that right.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TARD ON THE BBC - Afinkawan blithers, "Do
  you remember aaaaages ago when there was an
  advert for an BBC sketch writing competition
  in the newsletter? Well, as it turned out, I
  did rather well at it. The new series of
  Recorded For Training Purposes starts on Radio
  4 at 11pm on the 20th September. I know the
  next newsletter will be on the 21st but
  there's not much of my stuff in the first
  episode anyway. Please order all newsletter
  readers to listen to it and possibly email the
  BBC to tell them how great my sketches are."
  Yay. Well done.

  * HITLER VS CHRIS CROCKER - the "Leave Britney
  alone!" thing obviously went completely mental
  across the web prompting this small tribute
  from our very own Tepid_Halibut who downplays,
  "it's a pity I haven't the talent to match it
  up properly." Still, gave us a quick laugh.

  * BIRDS - m-a-t-t twitters, "Alfred
  Hitchcock's 'The Birds' set to the Birdie
  Song! As requested by the lovely people who
  write the newsletter." Heh, that would be us,
  us lovely people.

  * A-TEAM VAN - Pat Wood (probably best known
  for his t-shirt site Truffle Shuffle)
  complains, "That Mystery Machine you linked
  last week was wank, Check out my van!  Fuck a
  grand, this thing can drink a grand’s worth of
  petrol in a week, the lousy American beast
  that it is."


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  All you people want is more, more, more, more,
  more... Leave B3ta alone. This issue was
  written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson.
  Even we wouldn't piss on a dying spastic.
  Stuff sent in by jonny_burn, Redhotchiligrrl,
  The Great Architect, pobblepop, kinks with the
  newsletter subject line from pzykozomatik.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Wanking to Lauren Harries Porn.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. If your mum wasn't
  your mum would you?


  We've just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter
  Simulator" onto our PC, but it keeps crashing.

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