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This Week:
* TOY - Cubicle freakout
* FUNNY NAME CORNER - Introducing Miss Puke
* PHOTOS - Squishy shoe fetish
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're getting internet   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  fuckwits to write our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  tagline... badly"

B3ta email 299 - 0o23 0o12 0o3727

Stick these words up your browser chuff

     iPod Touch:  [email protected]
   Nokia n810:  [email protected]

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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Where do you see ions? Only in Enya. In Enya
  they've got ions. 


  Games, Swears and book signing bollocks

  >> Cubicle Freakout <<
  "Alright B3ta monkeys", chatters Eyegas, "A
  while ago you put my Attack Of My Sprouts
  Christmas game in your newsletter (which was
  terribly nice of you), and about two years
  later I've finally got round to doing another
  one. It called "Cubicle Freakout", and it's
  dedicated to frustrated office workers the
  world over." 

  >> Swear machine <<
  "Last Friday I made a website that displays
  random swearwords in a random size on a random
  coloured background", profanes Andy, "You can
  also add new swearwords to the batch by
  clicking on the little + sign in the top left."
  Huzzah, and we also like that Andy finished his
  email with, "PS - fucking ace newsletter."

  >> Eat the Alphabet <<
  A few months ago your Ginger Fuhrer was
  nattering to Fraser from Kittenwar and he
  challenged him to eat the alphabet, A is for
  antelope - Z is for Zebra etc. Fraser - the
  cocky shit - only went and sold the idea to the
  Guardian and got a column out of it. Read it
  here. BTW: Fraser and Tomsk will be doing a
  book signing 7pm tonight, Friday 19 Oct, at The
  Art Gallery, Foyles Book Shop, 113-119 Charing
  Cross Road. We'll be there. Will you?



  Last week we asked if you've watched or been
  watched. Lots of you seem to have binoculars:
  * SCOUTING - "Once upon a time in a city in
  Engerlaaand, I got hideously drunk dressed as a
  Scout. I'd managed to lose all my mates (also
  dressed as Boy Scouts and Brownies). My memory
  of the evening kicks in at about the point
  where I was slouched in a doorway, 'pleasuring'
  a girl with my hand down her knickers,
  slobbering into her mouth when a riot van full
  of coppers pulls up, the passenger window goes
  down and the friendly copper in the passenger
  seat says 'Steady on Sam, you don't know where
  he's been.' Cue the blue lights, siren, much
  laughing and the riot van speeds away. Poor old
  Sam the policewoman has been caught by her
  co-workers being fingered by a 22 year old
  drunk man dressed as a Scout." (Biromunch)
  * WANKING - "My folks bought a camcorder and
  being about 14 at the time, I decided that
  filming myself having a wank was the most
  creative use of this shiny new toy. Now,
  obviously, I knew how sensitive this sort of
  material can be when you've got two sisters, so
  I thought the best place to leave the tape was
  in the camera. In the cupboard. Where everyone
  had access to it. It wouldn't have been so bad,
  but my younger sister showed it to all of her
  friends who promptly told theirs and so on and
  so on. 12 years later and the story still comes
  back to me on occasion, with more and more
  embellishments each time. The most recent
  version has me fucking a teddy bear while
  wearing a skin tight catsuit and shouting my
  mother's name. I also found photos my sister
  took of her vag, but being a decent sort of a
  bloke I have said nothing as yet. Also, I went
  to school with the guy who delivers my parents'
  post. He said that one day while delivering to
  their house, he caught - through the window - a
  glimpse of my dad wanking into the fruit bowl.
  What the fuck is wrong with my family?" (JayHay)
  * DOGGING - "I was sitting in a pub in
  Wakefield having a loud conversation about
  dogging, with a guy who I had only just met.
  Apparently he and the gf were into it, and one
  of the rules is windows down = come over and
  join in. The couple were getting down to it
  with him face first in her lady parts when he
  feels someone reach through the window and
  start to give some hand relief. Not thinking to
  look until he's at the vinegar strokes, he
  looked round to see a filthy wizened old man
  clutching his penis. In his words, 'he was like
  a tiny, homeless Alf Garnet and he was touching
  my cock.' We were all staring into our pints
  looking a bit embarrassed when he filled the
  silence with, 'The worst thing about it is that
  that was the best handjob I have EVER received
  in my life.'" (willenium)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Conned someone? Perhaps you hustled a few quid
  off a stranger, or defrauded a multi-national
  company. Or have you been taken for the
  wide-eyed, naive rube that you are?:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> iPod fingersocks <<
  Intended to protect your shiny new iPod Touch
  from the corrosive grease of your disgusting,
  fat fingers, these resemble nothing so much as
  thigh boots for your hands. Way sexy!

  >> Prison hooch <<
  Readers with longer memories may recall a link
  we ran some time ago about the
  evil-yet-still-piss-weak prison brew known as
  pruno. This 'prison wine' is cut from much the
  same stinky cloth, but the pictures and
  commentary are great, making it well worth the

  >> Pixel art <<
  Pretty basic 'make your own pixel art' app. The
  nice bit is being able to see the massed array
  of everyone else's tiny creations too.

  >> Squishy shoe fetish <<
  It's frightening what you can stumble on when
  following up on people who mark your Flickr
  photos as favourites. Here's an entire gallery
  devoted to crushing squishable things while
  wearing high-heeled shoes. Then spoogeing on


  We Love Odd-Shaped Balls

  England stunned the Aussies and shocked the
  French. If the Springboks are anything like this
  motley bunch the trophy’s theirs.


  Coz you're not sick of YouTube links are you?

  >> Pretty girl, shit trumpet player <<
  Disastrous attempt by a beauty pageant
  contestant to dance and play the Star Wars
  theme in the 'talent' section of the show. What
  we figure must have happened is that the
  backing track was played in the wrong key and
  she just gamely carried on with her act. That
  doesn't change the fact that she is utterly
  terrible though.

  >> Creepy animated graffiti <<
  'John Carpenter meets Banksy' would be a lazy
  way to describe this stop-motion fruit of
  countless hours slapping paint around in an
  abandoned warehouse. It would, however, be
  rather accurate too. Much wall-scuttling and
  body-splitting ensues.

  >> Mattress-mounted shotgun <<
  Just when we start to think that America is
  sane, something like this comes along. It's a
  gun-rack to keep your firearms within easy
  reach by the side of your bed. Ideally-placed
  for bleary-eyed blasting of your toddler when
  he unexpectedly walks into the room during the

  >> Excellent mirror prank <<
  Put identical twins on either side of a sheet
  of glass made up to look like a mirror in
  public toilets. Film people's reactions when
  they notice that their own reflection is
  missing. We'd probably assume that we'd been
  turned invisible and creep around spying on
  things we shouldn't.

  >> Extremely fresh sushi <<
  One of the worrying things about sushi is that
  you always wonder about how long it's been left
  sitting around, going manky. That's definitely
  not an issue here, as this meal shows that it
  is still clinging onto life. Eww!


  With added phallus!

  * MISS PUKE - Thai massage that somehow fails
  to tempt.

  * CUBIST FRUIT-COCK - food promotion from
  Australian supermarket features a rather
  worrying fruity construction. The glistening
  pink tip is particularly attention-grabbing.


  I Love Heroin

  Your Ginger Fuhrer recently started a Facebook
  group "I love Heroin". It lasted about two
  weeks before the mods gave him a slap and took
  it down. This annoyed him somewhat and in
  response he spent valuable time making a
  t-shirt to celebrate his love of the brown. Ha.
  Take that Facebook.


  Inappropriate Actors Challenge Results

  Last week we wanted you to portray actors
  playing inappropriate roles.

  Your favourites included:
  * CHRISTOPHER REEVE - meets his nemesis in this
  beautiful tale of equine romance (Koit)

  * STEVIE WONDER - as a hard-bitten, hard-nosed
  cop facing difficulty at every turn (Donkey

  * HEATHER MILLS - brilliantly re-enacting *that
  scene* from Basic Instinct (dbroon)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Infidels! <<
  In the West we love berating our enemies around
  the globe, but how do you think they see us? Do
  we live in caves and go to the toilet wherever
  we want? Fire up Photoshop and make some
  propaganda against the West. Challenge
  suggested by Friz.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  DIY SHOCKSITE VIRAL - "I just wrote
  'www.cupchicks.com' on 300 quid's worth of
  tenners," titters SickRik with ghoulish glee,
  the evil swine. Needless to say, this is
  another url for shock site du jour '2 girls 1
  cup'. You'd be well advised to follow this line
  of enquiry no further. And think twice before
  using such a tenner to pay the nice lady at the
  sweet counter in Woolworths.


  Super-fun wordy double bill!

  >> Word web <<
  Word association game. Fill up the whole
  network by guessing the connections between
  words. We're not sure we really got the trick
  of it, but it certainly kept us entertained for
  a number of minutes.

  >> What's the definition? <<
  You're presented with a word and four choices
  of possible meaning. Simple enough. The twist?
  They're donating rice to hungry people for
  every answer you get right. Actually, one of
  these where they send increasing amounts of
  pizza round our house would be quite nice.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * REALITY TV SHOW - "infiltrate a group of
  extremist Islamic militants and replace their
  bombs with devices that'll knock them out for a
  day or two. Then, when they wake up, they'll be
  in heaven, but it'll be a twist, it will be our
  televised whacky version of heaven. They'll be
  all the different religious leaders, who'll
  force them to do 'tasks' every day, like 'Swim
  the equivalent of The Channel'. They will win
  their virgins, except with a twist, they'll all
  be pre-op transsexual male-to-females." (Thanks
  to 90Nz0 for this suggestion.)

  * LOLBOB DYLAN - Remake the Subterranean
  Homesick Blues video with a big Dylan cat and
  cards saying, "I'm in ur basement mixing ur
  medicine." (Thanks Rob Wakefield)

  a cheapo live performance video for Did You
  Ever using a instant message application.
  LEEHAZELWOOD48: Did you ever? NANCY16: All the

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Grubbymitts,
  Admiral_T, patrickolemouche, sallyannmorrison,
  We are the lemon, thiess914, pixelmixer, Ben
  Goldacre, Toist, kowali, John_Anon_Smith, hahn
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Newsletter title from The Artist Formerly Known
  As Crab Bloke. Xing the Y from Wicca'd Witch.

  POPBITCH NEXT WEEK: A chicken walks up to a
  duck stood at the side of the road, and says
  'Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of

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