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This Week:
* DESPERATE WANKS? - Drawing your own porn? Really?
* EARLY CHRISTMAS CARD - You'll nick this idea
* VIDEO - Relentless and shit Guitar Hero gags

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "So rubbish....
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      we give it away
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|         for free"

B3ta Roland 303 - 16 Nov 2007

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          Bass:  [email protected]
      Treble:  [email protected]

  TV Search Engine

  Crave the Cheerleader? Find out when Hayden is
  next on with Locate TV.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Money burning a hole in your marketing budget?


  Polls, Parsley Boobs, Quo and Christmas

  >> Ask the web <<
  Upload two pictures to this site to make an
  instant public poll, whether it be which shirt
  to wear or if you should cycle to work today.
  The real draw, though, is the weirdness of
  things that other people seek guidance on. "My
  personal favourite: best beard in international
  cricket," chirps b3tard markhforsyth. Girls who
  submit a 'what outfit should I choose?' should
  be aware that internet nerds will likely vote
  for the one that displays the most cleavage.
  Something to bear in mind.

  >> Parsley Boobs IV <<
  The plot thickens in the latest episode of
  Jonti's ambitious time-travel epic. Well,
  perhaps 'thickens' is a little strong, but
  there are dinosaurs - and who hates dinosaurs?

  >> Guitar Hero: Status Quo <<
  Tedious proudly presents his special edition of
  the Playstation classic. "Because," he says,
  "Some jokes never get old. Just like Status

  >> Surprise Christmas card <<
  "I spent Saturday afternoon making this lovely
  thing," beams Lazlo Woodbine. Thanks Lazlo -
  that is frighteningly good. There's definitely
  an emphasis on 'frightening', mind you.


  Abusing Freebies

  Last week we asked if you were capable of any
  restraint when presented with free stuff. It
  seems not:

  * WELL HARD - "My folks were given loads of
  promotional stuff from drug companies hawking
  their wares - nothing expensive, stationary
  mainly. One time my Mum was given a gimmicky
  towel, a small towel that had been compressed
  into a wee brick, and could be uncompressed and
  used normally after soaking in water. She
  kindly gave it to 14 year old me, as I though
  it was quite cool. I took the wee brick with me
  to an Army camp with the cadets (nice and
  compact, saved on packing and carrying). A
  couple of days in, I thought I might need a
  small towel and soaked the brick in the sink
  for ten minutes. It softened up, and I pulled
  it out of the sink by its corners, proudly
  displaying the legend "VAGISIL" to the other
  hard as fuck army cadets in the room. Er,
  thanks Mum." (Udidin)
  * NUTS - "My mates and I were flying to Buenos
  Aires - one wanted to grab as many bags of
  complimentary nuts as possible, "so I don't
  have to buy lunch during the day when we are
  there." To help her, we kept wandering to the
  different food prep areas on the plane saying
  we were hungry and can we have a bag of nuts?
  This continued for the entire 8 hour flight -
  we manage to amass around 85 bags of them. As
  the plane started its descent, a gaggle of
  giggling Space Waitresses arrived at our seats.
  One had a very large, brown, hard-wearing
  carrier bag (the type with straw handles) 3/4
  full of peanuts and dumped the entire lot on
  our laps. We shrieked with laughter and
  delight, raised our arms in triumph \o/ and
  told them they were the best Space Waitresses
  EVER to grace the skies. On the return trip
  some of the crew were the same and as we took
  off, one came over to us and said "We have
  plenty of nuts if you are interested". We were
  all somewhat peanutted-out by then and politely
  declined." (Flowerpot)
  * PENCILS - "Forced by your significant other
  to go on a family trip to IKEA? Liven up an
  otherwise dull and boring experience by
  offering a prize to your offspring for the
  child who can steal the most pencils. The boy
  Scaryduck Jr - who rattled as he walked past
  the tills - won with 186, pipping his sister
  who racked up a mere 152. Subsequent shopping
  trips can be enlivened by stealing all the pens
  from Argos and confusing the staff by replacing
  them all with IKEA pencils. And there's
  literally pence to be made from your swag at
  car boot sales. I realise, as the evil Fagin
  figure behind this sorry affair, that I should
  be doing hard time in a Scandinavian prison,
  forced to knit lingerie for the female inmates.
  Where do I hand myself in?" (Scaryduck)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Our special QOTW correspondent ScaryDuck was 
  once so desperate he resorted to drawing his
  own porn. Surely you've never been that needy?
  You have? Tell us about it:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Collapsing shop page <<
  Cleverly-set-up website for a Dutch retailer.
  Looks fairly nondescript, but mouse-over the
  blue cup on the right... pandemonium!

  >> Trick family pictures <<
  Endearing gallery of child photography, with
  the twist being the budget special effect of
  making them lie down and pretend to be flying,
  diving etc. Surprisingly effective, looks quite
  dreamlike. The Ghostbusters one is excellent.  

  >> Ten words that don't mean what you think <<
  A list of words that are commonly misused,
  rated according to how much of a dick you would
  have to be to pull people up on it. Some of
  these seem borderline to us - is anybody really
  puzzled as to the meaning of nonplussed? - but
  it's still a good read.

  >> Mike or dyke? <<
  This was actually an idea we had for a quiz
  back in the day. Now someone has put the wheels
  in motion and gathered up photographs of
  celebrity blokes who resemble butch women.


  Man sentenced for fucking bike

  Possibly the most commented on recent news
  story has been the, oh fuck it, here's a paste
  from BBC news: "Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a
  sexually aggravated breach of the peace by
  conducting himself in a disorderly manner and
  simulating sex."

  We're mentioning this because we're amused by
  the number of puns it's produced.

  * "I think he should be strung up, these bloody
  pedalphiles" - via the b3ta talk board.

  * "He's a cycle path!" - via Cr3 in our office.

  * "Since when was a it a crime to be bike
  curious?" (We made that one up ourselves.


  Like flickbooks with bonus witchcraft

  >> Monkey band <<
  There are those in advertising who think that
  gorillas playing drums are a new thing. They're
  completely forgetting that similarly-simian
  Lancelot and the Evolution Revolution got there
  first in the pre-Phil Collins days of the
  1970s. Happier times indeed.

  >> 24 - the 1994 pilot << 
  A series of great gags about how far
  communication technology has come in such a
  short time - "150k? We can't email that. Let's
  print it." 

  >> German kid vs. Star wars girl <<
  The last time the USA and Germany fought,
  Nagasaki was atomic-bukkaked. This time it's
  just cyber rofls.

  >> Cowbell hero <<
  As the web takes recent console game Guitar
  Hero III to heart, you wonder quite why
  Activision are bothering to make any marketing
  material when the fans will do it for them.

  >> Casting gags <<
  Marketeers! If you're stuck for a idea for a
  web viral, then hold an open casting and edit
  up the crappest participants. It never fails.
  This one: looking for someone tough!


  (Not funny or a corner)

  * C BUTT Ltd. - Distribution and logistics
  company. You'd want to work for them purely to
  carry the business card...

  notenglishthankgod, alert to the plethora of
  innocent-sounding words with dirty meanings in
  a foreign language. The Honda Fitta had to be
  renamed in Scandinavian countries, as no-one
  wanted to drive a car called 'cunt'. And here's
  Honda again with the Enis - a car just begging
  for a smart-arse passer-by with a marker pen.


  I Sans The Serif

  For reasons best known to the Ginger Fuhrer
  himself, he's spent most of the week singing "I
  sans the serif" to the tune of a rather famous
  ditty by Sir Robert Marley. Maybe you'd like to
  buy the corresponding t-shirt?


  We can't bring you the results of last weeks
  challenge, but it was widely written about in
  the online press. If you missed it, here's some
  * The Register calls us a 'popular UK website'

  * Whilst the Guardian describes us as having
  'frequently deviant and often inspired visual

  * Best of all? The Times, with 'celebrated, and
  frequently scatological'

  >> New challenge: Life After Kids' TV <<
  What happened next for the characters of Kids' TV?
  Did SuperTed end up on the brown? Maybe Bananaman
  rented his banana out on the game? Only you and
  Photoshop can decide.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  might be interested in a bit of QotW feedback",
  writes Cullexus,"A letter appeared in the Times
  business section."

  And here's the post in question. Let's hope no
  one gets fired. BTW: It's nice for The Times to
  describe us a "scurrilous" in the same week as
  "frequently scatological." Our mother will be

  * FIZZY PISS - Afinkawan dribbles, "No, it's
  not possible for carbonated drinks to turn your
  piss fizzy. The carbon dioxide would become
  carbonic acid (H2CO3) long before it was
  expelled in your urine. Fizzy piss is far more
  likely to be caused by proteins in your urine
  due to a kidney infection or diabetes. I'd go
  see a doctor if I was you."

  * HOW MUCH CAN A PENCIL WRITE - s.bradshaw
  scribbles, "The structure of graphite is layers
  of carbon, where one layer at a time is rubbed
  off onto the paper. The diameter of a carbon
  atom is about 140 picometres (1.4e-10 m). Let's
  say that the graphite rod in a pencil is about
  1mm in diameter and about 15 cm long, giving it
  a volume of around 4.5e-9 m^3, with a usable
  volume of graphite (accounting for the distance
  between layers) of about half this (2.3e-9).
  Estimating that maybe 3 layers at a time are
  rubbed off, if one is moderately heavy handed,
  then the raised cross-sectional area of a
  graphite mark on a piece of paper is about 3 *
  1.4e-10 * 1e-4 = 4.2e-14 m^2.
  (2.3e-9)/(4.2e-14) = 5.5e4 m 5.5e4 / 1500
  (metres per mile) = 37 miles, Hmmmm.... Not bad
  and I didn't even cook the numbers (much)."


  Californication Portmanteau Game Results
  Last week we invented a completely brilliant
  game where we asked you to think of a place and
  sexual act and combine them with the lost art
  of portmanteau.
  Your entries include:
  * "Stoke-on-Trent boy, or Bangor till it hurts"
  * "Chicagoatse, and my fave Memphisting"

  * "Chelseamen swallower or Isle Of Doggy style"
  (Big Al)

  * "Sidcup the Arse" suggests jamessinden,
  although we'd have gone with "Sidcup two

  BTW: Fail of the week goes to rhcpaul who
  writes, "I am contractually obliged to send an
  email to correct your spelling of 'red hot
  chili peppers' in newsletter 302" Apparently we
  stuck 2 Ls in it. Happily we replied with "you
  are a very sad man with an exceptionally small



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * EDIBLE ALBUM COVERS - Dismantle a big mac and
  press the baps to your ears, like some
  hamburgery Craig David. Instantly, you are the
  jacket of Born To Do It. Can you recreate other
  classic covers, using common foodstuffs? 

  * REVERSE HEAT MAG - Snidey journalists are
  always knocking celebs for the way they look
  and dress, but we bet they have a few
  easily-found embarrassing pics of their own - a
  mere facebook search away. Why not stick a
  bunch together to form your own cheap gossip
  magazine - bonus points for getting a minor
  celeb to write the mean captions about
  cellulite and knobbly knees.

  * FATTIES' ADVENT CALENDAR - A chocolate for
  every day of the month, all year long.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  TANKS:  This issue was written by Rob Manuel
  with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  Darklord,  Giles Thomas, Subject line from WS
  woz ere. Other bits from songsforeveryone. 
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.


  I live near a remedial school. There's a sign
  on the road outside that says "SLOW CHILDREN".
  That can't be good for their self-esteem.

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