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This Week:
* SEX - on crack!
* SPORT - The next England manager?
* PORN - with 'celebrity' heads

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      "Shit in a box? - A
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  cheap and easy Christmas
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     present for your mum"

B3ta email 306 - 7 Dec 2007

Read this issue in your browser:

       Pocheen:  [email protected]
       Vodka:  [email protected]

  Syphon Filter: Logan's Shadow - PSP game

  Got a PSP? Ever wanted to be a secret agent?
  You need Syphon Filter Logan's Shadow - IGN
  have awarded it 9.5 out of 10 and rated it as
  "one of the best titles to come out on the
  system this year", so on the eve of the
  European release why not be the first to see
  the interactive viral commissioned to promote
  the game. (It's a send to your mate thingie,
  so we've pre-filled it in for you, hey, you're
  spoiling us!)

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  50p per mile and all the cash goes to "charity".


  England manager, lists, puzzles and bikes

  >> Americans love lists <<
  We're really enjoying Goodie bag's
  fast-talking, tightly-edited online stand-up
  routines. This time, some chat about how great
  lists are.

  >> Find the next England manager <<
  A crack team of b3tards, including Down on the
  Farm, 100% Gibbon and Malevole, has wrought a
  cunning online simulation of the Barwickotron.
  This is the venerable machine used by the FA 
  to produce the identity of the next England
  manager. Observe the carefully-reasoned
  results, drawn from genuine FA shortlists!

  >> Christmas puzzle book <<
  "I've made you a puzzle book," chirps
  baldmonkey. "Give it away FREE with your
  newsletter. I recommend everyone printing it
  out fifty times to give as gifts instead of
  spending money."


  Pathological Liars

  Last week we wanted to know about your friends
  who regard the truth as an illusion:

  * SCOTSMAN - "On holiday, I found myself in a
  Scottish pub. I made the mistake of asking for
  my first drink with a Scottish accent.
  Something in my head just thought that would
  be a good idea at the time. It slightly
  backfired when the Scotsman behind the bar,
  bored on a slow night, was so glad to meet a
  fellow countryman that he began chatting to me
  and asking where I was from etc. This meant I
  had to tell lies of increasingly complexity
  about my whole Scottish upbringing (having
  grown up in North London) whilst drinking like
  a fish. I kid you not, when you're plastered
  at 3 in the morning in a hot country, it's not
  that easy to carry off a Glaswegian accent and
  keep a massive series of lies going. Somehow I
  managed it and was even propositioned by a
  Scotty lass in the bar. Sadly she was short,
  ugly and incredibly drunk so I declined. I was
  however very amused to see her fall flat on
  her face (literally pancaked) just 5 mins
  later when trying to leave with her friends."
  * KNUCKLES - "One rainy day at school, I was
  sitting indoors on my own and noticed a few
  first-year boys hanging around. Aha, a chance
  to mess with their heads. I form two fists,
  and start striking my knuckles against each
  other in the manner of someone trying to start
  a fire with a flint. After a minute or two,
  one of them notices and says, "What are you
  doing?" "Trying to strike sparks off my
  knuckles." "No, go on. Don't be daft. You
  can't do that!" Quite right, of course. But
  I'm the science spod and everyone knows it.
  "Yes you can," I say, matter-of-factly. "Small
  flakes of skin are heated by friction and
  burn, but you've got to get the right
  conditions." After a few more exchanges of
  plausible bullshit, I have a small circle of
  half-a-dozen younger boys sitting around
  striking their knuckles together for no
  reason. And then, we hit gold. One of them
  starts backwards and explains: "I got one!" I
  congratulated him and left, leaving them all
  enthused by this mythical success, and more
  eager than ever to waste this lunch break, and
  for all I know many others, learning the harsh
  lesson that the wages of gullibility is sore
  knuckles." (Amish Information Systems)
  * PONY GIRL - "My boyfriend and his best mate
  managed to convince the mate's little 8 year
  old sister that when she reached the grand old
  age of 10 she would have the opportunity to
  choose whether she wished to spend her
  remaining years as a human or a horse. She
  couldn't wait to become a horse, and was
  devastated when she remained human and
  realised that you should never trust an elder
  sibling, as they are all bastards."

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Have you accidentally been cruel to an animal?
  Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Model behaviour <<
  A reader recently added us on Facebook and on
  looking at their profile we discovered they
  were a member of modelmayhem, a community of
  good looking people offering themselves for
  photographic work. A certain young lady,
  London Andrews, caught our eye, she's using
  the money she's earning - via both ordinary
  modelling and private fetish shoots - to
  travel around the world and blog it as she
  goes. TV companies! Surely you can find
  documentary material here.

  >> Wordy biro review <<
  On being asked "which biro is the best?",
  Nobbynobody of Biromash fame answered, "Bic
  Cristal medium. The only biro worth the name."
  Looking up this pen, they're only 13p from
  Amazon (12p secondhand), but we're linking it
  for the amusement offered by the overly
  detailed review, "On the third day of
  ownership I went on a trip to London and took
  my pen carefully packed away in my brief case,
  but I needn't have worried, this isn't some
  temperamental ink pen that leaks when you
  store it at the wrong angle. I sat at my
  meeting and confidently removed the cap from
  my pen and it wrote flawlessly, almost

  >> Crack sex <<
  The newsletter staff have been addicted to
  crack and anal sex since the first dotcom
  crash, and in a "simply astonishing blog post"
  one of our members has actually caught Rob and
  Dave on a still camera. WARNING: If you find
  photos of homeless men people having sex and
  smoking rock erotic, prepare for your
  clitstick to get stiff.

  >> "I'm afraid of everything..." <<
  "This must be the reason the internet was
  created," spluffs Spng, "I am tottally
  fascinated with this guy. Even though he
  basicly lives 23 hours a day all year, in a
  small room, he is fascinating."

  >> DIY LCD picture frame <<  
  Meet Stuart Kennedy, he likes to invent mad
  stuff out of bits and pieces of equipment he
  has laying about, including a garden strimmer
  out of a small universal motor from a spin
  drier a broom handle and a 'bog-chain'. Best
  of all? We love his new photo frame, it's the
  detail on the back that really makes it.

  >> Meat sex doll <<
  When a man hits middle age, his thoughts turn
  to ham - witness both Weebl's and Joel Veitch's
  recent pig obsessions, and we think we've
  found the perfect sex doll to, er, pork.


  B3ta told off by fluff lovers

  "I wish to register a complaint," rages
  Warrior_Librarian, "To my dismay there was no
  'things that make you go aahh' section in this
  weeks issue of your electronic publication.
  Please correct this error until next time or I
  shall be forced to take my business to your
  competitors." OK then, here's a video sent in
  by redazril, who writes, "Awww!  Cute cat
  standing on his hind legs. He thinks he's



  Check out the brilliant 60-second short
  created by Oscar winning director Michel
  Gondry (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)
  and Motorola; includes exclusive behind the
  scenes footage and designs from Gondry’s
  sketch book.


  Like a small TV in your browser

  >> I wanna be a popstar <<
  Rock vid tracking the convoluted career path
  of a typical, manufactured pop star. They do
  live fairly baroque lifestyles, don't they?

  >> How fast is a Formula 1 car? <<
  Enjoyable old-school Top Gear-style spot,
  pitting a family saloon against a Porsche and
  a F1 car in a race around Silverstone track.
  Crazily quick.

  >> 'Celebrity' sex tape <<
  This is porn, make no mistake. Celebrity heads
  'artfully' added to scenes of fairly hardcore
  porn. The amusing thing is that the celebs
  have clearly been cut from various interviews
  and their heads blithely keep chatting away,
  seemingly quite unaware of what their hands
  are up to with that enormous dildo. Very NSFW



  Results from the Animal Suicides Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know how animals top

  Your favourites included:
  * BANG - a bold critique of police-state
  Britain, and brilliant use of classic animated
  gif (Damocles)

  * BOOM - proof that elephants don't just use
  their trunks for retrieving poo from each
  other's bottoms (HappyToast)

  * BOSH - in which a snail finds ingenious use
  for a jar of tippex in a desperate bid for
  oblivion (Zak McFlimby)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Alternative Christmas Cards <<
  Santa is drunk, the shops have run out of
  tinsel, and no-one's kissing under the
  mistletoe. It's an alternative Christmas, and
  it needs alternative Christmas cards. Design


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PORN NAME - last week Postbear was filming a
  porno and wanted YOU to suggest a credit. He
  says, "I have selected 'Ginger Führer', it
  resonates most with me. and yes, the umlaut is
  vital." Er.. very original. 

  * MR SPLASHY PANTS - Igotdamaged blithers, "My
  wife is the News Editor for the leading
  magazine for the charity sector - 'Third
  Sector' and I told her about the Mr Splashy
  Pants, Greenpeace whale vote that was swayed
  by B3tans. She ensured that it made the pages
  of this week's magazine (available in all good
  newsagents priced £2.40) and an online version
  of the story can be read here. Third Sector is
  a weekly bible for anyone in the charity
  industry. If Greenpeace were previously
  unaware of why Mr Splashy Pants proved to be
  such a popular choice, they will now
  understand that the glorious blame lies firmly
  at the door of B3TA." 

  * BEST MOUSE TRAPS - lots of email on this
  subject, here's just a selection:

  + Put some drops of peppermint oil around
  everywhere the mouse frequents or emerges
  from, and it will soon leave and not come
  back. (fross)

  + "I live in rat-ridden Jakarta and the only
  way I have found to keep them out of the house
  is to clean up a lot. If there's no food for
  them to eat they'll fuck off. Tough but
  simple." (revilogreen)

  + "After mices started eating bread from my
  kitchen, I hid a poison bait in a bread
  wrapper & set up this honeypot; poor little
  guys never had a chance..." (gareth)

  * ABBEY ROAD INVADERS - NoSoup4U chirrups, "I
  gladly wasted my Saturday afternoon crafting
  Abbey Road Crossing, as per the b3ta
  newsletter request." What's that phrase? Be
  careful of what you wish for?

  Nostrebor mumbles, "Remember a year or so back
  when you featured a cool story about a chap
  who cured his chronic asthma and hayfever by
  contracting hookworms? Well I study parasites
  at uni and was at a loss as to what title to
  pick for my 25% essay this year and after much
  searching fund that article through b3ta
  again. I received good marks. Thank you b3ta."
  Although he then went on to say, "I'm afraid
  that I couldnt reference you as you are not
  technically peer reviewed." Which annoyed us
  slightly as we think our contributions to
  science are underrated. 



  If this game was available for our phone, we'd
  never get off the Tube. To play it is to be



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  This week we've made our suggestions whilst
  reading the ART catorgory on Wikipedia.

  famous and expensive works of art of art side
  by side, can YOU click the more expensive one? 

  * STATUE COCK QUIZ - from Donatello's David to
  Michelangelo's Bacchus, this is a quiz about
  art that's well hung.

  URINAL GAME - or possibly something on the
  theme "René Magritte is a fucking pedant."

  Furthermore, Chris requests, "My name's Chris 
  (as you may have gathered). I'm currently 1
  month into a 9-month tour round the world, and
  you're not.  Great isn't it! I started nicking
  all the little soap bars and sticking them
  together into 1 big multi-coloured chunk and
  it made me think of B3ta. I wonder if any
  B3tans can think of any other completely
  useless, but slightly more interesting things
  I can do while I blow the last 18 months'

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Links from rosemaryewalton,
  michael.mcnevin, chickenlady, and
  thiswasmyclone. Xing the Y from
  Thor_sonofodin. Subjectline from Want
  Bartender. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Asciilols from Captn Hood-Butter.


   Going through a speed trap too fast? If
   possible, climb out through the sunroof
   and clap hollowed-out coconuts on the roof.
   This tricks the camera into thinking you're
   riding a horse, so you should get away
   without being flashed.



  If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving
  definitely isn't for you.

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