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This Week:
* FACT - Peanut butter disproves evolution
* CUTE - Fattest squirrel ever
* CHALLENGE - Maps that tell YOUR truths

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |     "B3ta newsletter...
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       now on lazerdisc"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       

B3ta email 311 - 18 Jan 2008

Crashing just short of the Information Superhighway

       A-levels:  [email protected]
     O-levels:  [email protected]

  Cloverfield monster Friday viral

  The film launches in the US today, everyone's
  banging on about it online: it's the monster
  movie that shits all over Godzilla and it's out
  here in 2 weeks. The Cloverfield viral's on B3ta,
  not that we expect any of you lot to give a shit.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Sexy gnomes, free cash and fibbing headlines
  >> Cute electro dance <<
  Nice little bit of fluff from Scrambled Edd,
  with three young rascals demonstrating their
  individual dance stylings to the beepy, bloopy
  beat. Very short, but it really did make us

  >> Swing News <<
  We'd love it if the news actually was presented
  as an upbeat jam session like this. Okay, so
  this is actually a bit of commercial work, but
  Ben Wheatley has been ensconced with a crack
  team, polishing this up to a fine sheen. 

  >> Podgy squirrel <<
  "Recently I took some photographs of a fat
  squirrel," fluffs  ShodoPan. "They make me
  giggle, perhaps you will too." He's certainly a
  chubby little chap, puffed up against the
  winter cold.



  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked for your shoplifting stories:

  * POINTLESS - "Last year I was at the
  hairdressers when in walks the local druggie
  carrying a heavy object. He's well known in the
  area for constantly trying to sell you his
  latest shoplifted items for the next fix and
  the hairdressers tolerate him. He sits down
  next to me and starts showing off the vacuum
  cleaner he's just nicked. "From the window of
  Curry's," he exclaims proudly. "Top of the
  range, yours for... fifty quid?" "Alright...
  twenty." Still no one was biting. "Watch this,
  all this hair on the floor, gone." He leans
  over to plug it in. A light appears on the
  front of it and a quiet whirring sound starts
  up. Unable to find a nozzle, he just pushes it
  across the floor through all the hair
  clippings. Nothing happened, but he persevered.
  As I watched this bizarre demo I started to
  feel cold. Taking a closer look, I realised his
  problem, "That's not a vacuum cleaner." "What
  do you mean?" "It's an air conditioner, to keep
  your house cool". "... a fiver then?" He ended
  up leaving it behind. There's not really a
  market for air conditioners in Glasgow."
  * PERSPICACIOUS - "A local convenience store
  had recently expanded into the empty unit next
  door. As a result the other entrance door was
  unused and the owners had stacked a display
  shelf full of crisps in front of it. They'd
  failed to notice that it now backed onto a
  letterbox. Wotsits galore for about three weeks
  till they must have either noticed the handy
  crisp-flap, or wondered what the rustling noise
  was behind the shelf." (never-right)

  * PRETENTIOUS - "When I was around 12 or so, my
  best friend and I went through a phase of
  shoplifting pocket dictionaries and other
  improving literature. We'd pop them in
  stupid-looking people's bags and pockets on the
  Tube home." (TurangaLeela)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your worst hotel and B&B experiences.
  Fawlty our towers here.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Mutant Toys <<
  "Some clever artist fella had the idea of
  turning teddy bears inside out and re-stuffing
  them," informs Rainbored, "I reckon the end
  result's probably much cuter than the
  originals." Ooh, we're loving this and can't
  wait to get the newsletter out of the way to
  have a crack at this technique ourselves. 

  >> Gay banker blog <<
  Fancy some voyeuristic kicks from reading a gay
  man's encounters through gaydar.com? Then
  gaybanker is your new favourite blog of choice. 

  >> Rude reviews <<
  Continuing the bumsex theme, we're cutting and
  pasting this Oxo Tower review before it's
  removed: "Last Friday evening I tried to take
  my girlfriend up the Oxo Tower but
  unfortunately we found it was completely full,
  so despite our best efforts, we just couldn't
  get in. I even greased the odd palm in the hope
  of slipping in without too much of a fuss, but
  I didn't want to push it." A meme begins...

  >> Re-enacting Garfield <<
  Art project or the work of the truly insane -
  who can fathom these live action re-enactments
  of the Garfield cartoon strip? Fucking weird
  actually and really drives home the point that
  Garfield is NOT funny.

  >> Forwarded emails <<
  "Dear B3ta", writes thefoggypoo," I saw an
  email today, one of the ones that some
  disgruntled person sends around when they are
  very cross about something, like a failed
  romance or similar. Anyway - that's all jolly
  fine but it got me thinking; there are quite a
  few of these at this stage are there not? There
  was Claire Swires a couple of years ago - along
  with a couple of others. But could b3tans
  compile a collection of these for our
  amusement?" No! Do your own work and send it to
  us! That's how this system works, sunshine!

  >> Daily Mail polls lols <<
  Last night, instead of actually writing the
  newsletter, your humble scribes spent a good
  two hours reading 5 years of online polls on
  the Daily Mail website and attempting to guess
  their outcomes before clicking. E.g. 'Do Daily
  Mail readers think that doctors should be
  allowed to remove organs from dead patients
  without prior consent?" The trick is thinking
  like the Daily Mail; an uneasy passtime at best.


  Slightly better quality than your phone

  >> You suck at Photoshop <<
  Purports to be a Photoshop tutorial for the
  clueless, but is actually a vignette of some
  nerd's bitter, messed-up life. Also, some handy
  graphics hints.

  >> Playing the drums, age 1-100 <<
  Sequence of people banging on the drums in
  order of age. The little kids and the very
  elderly are cute, but there are enough people
  enjoying life at all ages to make it a
  feel-good experience.

  >> Everyday guy rap <<
  A sequel to Jon Lajoie's original angry rap,
  expressing entirely uncontroversial and
  ordinary feelings, events and opinions. Just
  excellent stuff, although potentially NSFW as
  there is a fucking shitload of swearing.

  >> Hugh Laurie sings 'Mystery' <<
  The musical phenomenon that is TV's Doctor
  House serenades us with a lounge tune based
  extremely heavily on words that rhyme with
  mystery. Something about his delivery just
  makes it work.

  >> Rubber Band Machine Gun <<
  Very long, self-indulgent vid by a bunch of
  guys who have made what is basically a
  non-lethal version of that cool whirly gun from
  Predator. It really dwells a little too
  lovingly on the rotating band-holders but we
  got quite excited when they started shooting
  things with it. 

  >> Peanut butter disproves evolution! <<
  US creationist advances a straw-man argument
  against evolution so flimsy and poorly-reasoned
  that for a few moments we almost thought it was
  pro-Darwinist propaganda put out to make the
  other side look mental. But no. Has to be seen
  to be believed.



  Last week we idly wondered what would be the
  best way to bump off a load of people without
  using guns.

  * MILK - "Kill your neighbours by slowly
  poisoning them with mercury injected via a
  hypodermic needle into their milk bottles."

  * COOKIES - "Send your relatives Christmas
  cookies laced with all sorts of nasty
  nastiness." (links nana)

  * ACID - "Hydrofluoric acid is relatively easy
  to obtain from our local glassworks. You only
  need to cover an area about the size of
  someone's face to give them a lethal dose.
  Put it in a sprayer - you probably won't
  survive." (corinoco)

  Hmm, none of this appears particularly easy or
  foolproof, perhaps the restrictive gun laws in
  the UK are a good thing.

  Results from the Crabs Challenge

  Last week we wanted to you to 'shop 
  crabs. You did.

  Your favourites included:
  * STORMTROOPER - anarchy on the board meant
  that this week's challenge was won, not by a
  crab, but by an elephant in a helmet (Tribs)

  * GAY - squeal with delight as this lovely,
  flamboyant crab performs a giddy dance on the
  beach (c_kick)

  * ZODIAC - God hands out the signs, crab gets
  the short straw (Lazio Woodbine)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Maps <<
  Tube maps, road maps, world maps, globes -
  redesign a map to tell the truth. YOUR TRUTH.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * TONY HART HONOUR - "You silly, silly people!"
  was the reaction of a number of readers to the
  petition we pointed to, aiming at a gong for
  kids' TV legend Hart. In fact, you can
  nominate someone for an honour yourself by
  filling in a form on the government's website.
  Bah. Online petitions - always shit.

  * GHER ANIMATION - So what was last week's
  gleeful, dancing cartoon all about, we asked
  creator Aap. "It's quite stupid really. I just
  opened up Google and hit some random keys on my
  keyboard like this: 'gnrejkawgrae'. I typed
  'gher' and found the news story below. It said
  'Download COLOR Photo Here', and I couldn't
  resist. I mean, a COLOR photo of Leo A. Gher!
  As for the dance, I used to dance like that at
  school parties, haha."

  * BOGUS DAVE BLOG ENDS - a site we featured a
  while back has finally come to an conclusion.
  The writer would reply to wrongly-addressed
  emails, pretending to be the proper addressee.
  Predictably, he's finally got caught out and
  people are a little upset with him.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * INKY TRANSSEXUAL - Buy a printer, photograph
  the body of a member of the opposite sex - A4
  sheet by A4 sheet, stick it on your clothes and
  become a papery gender-bender.

  dribbles, "What I want to see is a website
  where you can upload an image (of friends,
  loved ones etc.) and it will magically appear
  on a copy of the Daily Mail under the headline
  'BAN THIS SICK FILTH!'" - We're surprised that
  this doesn't exist already. On the Daily Mail

  * DEAR WANKER BLOG - fill in every form
  registration with the name "wanker" and stick
  photos of your letters from Orange and BT up.
  (Thanks stripeert)

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Redsushi, Hampster
  Squared, manbear84, ma0sm. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. Nods to b4ta.
  Subject-line lols from The Great Architect and
  Connor & Doctor When. 


  "And here's my cat toy tip that you haven't
  asked for: Local hardware shop (or B&Q if you
  really must). Buy a 1m stretch of bath chain. 
  Cats love it. Ours even fetch it. They love
  the sound of it. And the feel of it in their
  mouths. Much better than that string rubbish."
  (Thanks stripeertw!)


  What's the best thing about fingering a Gypsy
  on her period? You get your palm red for free.

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