NEWSLETTER: "LOOKS LIKE WE PICKED THE WRONG WEEK TO QUIT LANDING PRACTICE"
This Week:
* FACT - Peanut butter disproves evolution
* CUTE - Fattest squirrel ever
* CHALLENGE - Maps that tell YOUR truths
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "B3ta newsletter...
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | now on lazerdisc"
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B3ta email 311 - 18 Jan 2008
Crashing just short of the Information Superhighway
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue311/
A-levels: [email protected]
O-levels: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Cloverfield monster Friday viral
The film launches in the US today, everyone's
banging on about it online: it's the monster
movie that shits all over Godzilla and it's out
here in 2 weeks. The Cloverfield viral's on B3ta,
not that we expect any of you lot to give a shit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Sexy gnomes, free cash and fibbing headlines
>> Cute electro dance <<
Nice little bit of fluff from Scrambled Edd,
with three young rascals demonstrating their
individual dance stylings to the beepy, bloopy
beat. Very short, but it really did make us
smile.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Just_a_Bit_crazy
>> Swing News <<
We'd love it if the news actually was presented
as an upbeat jam session like this. Okay, so
this is actually a bit of commercial work, but
Ben Wheatley has been ensconced with a crack
team, polishing this up to a fine sheen.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Swing_News
>> Podgy squirrel <<
"Recently I took some photographs of a fat
squirrel," fluffs ShodoPan. "They make me
giggle, perhaps you will too." He's certainly a
chubby little chap, puffed up against the
winter cold.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/iangreenleaf/21884628...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Shoplifting
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for your shoplifting stories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/shoplifting/
* POINTLESS - "Last year I was at the
hairdressers when in walks the local druggie
carrying a heavy object. He's well known in the
area for constantly trying to sell you his
latest shoplifted items for the next fix and
the hairdressers tolerate him. He sits down
next to me and starts showing off the vacuum
cleaner he's just nicked. "From the window of
Curry's," he exclaims proudly. "Top of the
range, yours for... fifty quid?" "Alright...
twenty." Still no one was biting. "Watch this,
all this hair on the floor, gone." He leans
over to plug it in. A light appears on the
front of it and a quiet whirring sound starts
up. Unable to find a nozzle, he just pushes it
across the floor through all the hair
clippings. Nothing happened, but he persevered.
As I watched this bizarre demo I started to
feel cold. Taking a closer look, I realised his
problem, "That's not a vacuum cleaner." "What
do you mean?" "It's an air conditioner, to keep
your house cool". "... a fiver then?" He ended
up leaving it behind. There's not really a
market for air conditioners in Glasgow."
(sparks)
* PERSPICACIOUS - "A local convenience store
had recently expanded into the empty unit next
door. As a result the other entrance door was
unused and the owners had stacked a display
shelf full of crisps in front of it. They'd
failed to notice that it now backed onto a
letterbox. Wotsits galore for about three weeks
till they must have either noticed the handy
crisp-flap, or wondered what the rustling noise
was behind the shelf." (never-right)
* PRETENTIOUS - "When I was around 12 or so, my
best friend and I went through a phase of
shoplifting pocket dictionaries and other
improving literature. We'd pop them in
stupid-looking people's bags and pockets on the
Tube home." (TurangaLeela)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your worst hotel and B&B experiences.
Fawlty our towers here.
http://b3ta.com/questions/craphotels/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Mutant Toys <<
"Some clever artist fella had the idea of
turning teddy bears inside out and re-stuffing
them," informs Rainbored, "I reckon the end
result's probably much cuter than the
originals." Ooh, we're loving this and can't
wait to get the newsletter out of the way to
have a crack at this technique ourselves.
http://www.kentrogowski.com/bears.html
>> Gay banker blog <<
Fancy some voyeuristic kicks from reading a gay
man's encounters through gaydar.com? Then
gaybanker is your new favourite blog of choice.
http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/search/label/Encount...
>> Rude reviews <<
Continuing the bumsex theme, we're cutting and
pasting this Oxo Tower review before it's
removed: "Last Friday evening I tried to take
my girlfriend up the Oxo Tower but
unfortunately we found it was completely full,
so despite our best efforts, we just couldn't
get in. I even greased the odd palm in the hope
of slipping in without too much of a fuss, but
I didn't want to push it." A meme begins...
http://www.london-eating.co.uk/1626.htm
>> Re-enacting Garfield <<
Art project or the work of the truly insane -
who can fathom these live action re-enactments
of the Garfield cartoon strip? Fucking weird
actually and really drives home the point that
Garfield is NOT funny.
http://www.lasagnacat.com/
>> Forwarded emails <<
"Dear B3ta", writes thefoggypoo," I saw an
email today, one of the ones that some
disgruntled person sends around when they are
very cross about something, like a failed
romance or similar. Anyway - that's all jolly
fine but it got me thinking; there are quite a
few of these at this stage are there not? There
was Claire Swires a couple of years ago - along
with a couple of others. But could b3tans
compile a collection of these for our
amusement?" No! Do your own work and send it to
us! That's how this system works, sunshine!
http://ann-pa-c.blogspot.com/2008/01/detta-r-inte-...
>> Daily Mail polls lols <<
Last night, instead of actually writing the
newsletter, your humble scribes spent a good
two hours reading 5 years of online polls on
the Daily Mail website and attempting to guess
their outcomes before clicking. E.g. 'Do Daily
Mail readers think that doctors should be
allowed to remove organs from dead patients
without prior consent?" The trick is thinking
like the Daily Mail; an uneasy passtime at best.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/dmpolls/monthly.h...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Slightly better quality than your phone
>> You suck at Photoshop <<
Purports to be a Photoshop tutorial for the
clueless, but is actually a vignette of some
nerd's bitter, messed-up life. Also, some handy
graphics hints.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/You_Suck_At_Photoshop
>> Playing the drums, age 1-100 <<
Sequence of people banging on the drums in
order of age. The little kids and the very
elderly are cute, but there are enough people
enjoying life at all ages to make it a
feel-good experience.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/People_in_Order_1_to_100
>> Everyday guy rap <<
A sequel to Jon Lajoie's original angry rap,
expressing entirely uncontroversial and
ordinary feelings, events and opinions. Just
excellent stuff, although potentially NSFW as
there is a fucking shitload of swearing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_amused_me
>> Hugh Laurie sings 'Mystery' <<
The musical phenomenon that is TV's Doctor
House serenades us with a lounge tune based
extremely heavily on words that rhyme with
mystery. Something about his delivery just
makes it work.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hugh_Laurie_sings_Myster...
>> Rubber Band Machine Gun <<
Very long, self-indulgent vid by a bunch of
guys who have made what is basically a
non-lethal version of that cool whirly gun from
Predator. It really dwells a little too
lovingly on the rotating band-holders but we
got quite excited when they started shooting
things with it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Peanut butter disproves evolution! <<
US creationist advances a straw-man argument
against evolution so flimsy and poorly-reasoned
that for a few moments we almost thought it was
pro-Darwinist propaganda put out to make the
other side look mental. But no. Has to be seen
to be believed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: HOW TO PLAN MASS MURDER
Last week we idly wondered what would be the
best way to bump off a load of people without
using guns.
* MILK - "Kill your neighbours by slowly
poisoning them with mercury injected via a
hypodermic needle into their milk bottles."
(whatspaulsdoing)
* COOKIES - "Send your relatives Christmas
cookies laced with all sorts of nasty
nastiness." (links nana)
* ACID - "Hydrofluoric acid is relatively easy
to obtain from our local glassworks. You only
need to cover an area about the size of
someone's face to give them a lethal dose.
Put it in a sprayer - you probably won't
survive." (corinoco)
Hmm, none of this appears particularly easy or
foolproof, perhaps the restrictive gun laws in
the UK are a good thing.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Crabs Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to 'shop
crabs. You did.
Your favourites included:
* STORMTROOPER - anarchy on the board meant
that this week's challenge was won, not by a
crab, but by an elephant in a helmet (Tribs)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7940920
* GAY - squeal with delight as this lovely,
flamboyant crab performs a giddy dance on the
beach (c_kick)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7941081
* ZODIAC - God hands out the signs, crab gets
the short straw (Lazio Woodbine)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7941439
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/crabs/
>> New challenge: Maps <<
Tube maps, road maps, world maps, globes -
redesign a map to tell the truth. YOUR TRUTH.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/maps/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* TONY HART HONOUR - "You silly, silly people!"
was the reaction of a number of readers to the
petition we pointed to, aiming at a gong for
kids' TV legend Hart. In fact, you can
nominate someone for an honour yourself by
filling in a form on the government's website.
Bah. Online petitions - always shit.
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Gtgl1/GuideToGovernmen...
* GHER ANIMATION - So what was last week's
gleeful, dancing cartoon all about, we asked
creator Aap. "It's quite stupid really. I just
opened up Google and hit some random keys on my
keyboard like this: 'gnrejkawgrae'. I typed
'gher' and found the news story below. It said
'Download COLOR Photo Here', and I couldn't
resist. I mean, a COLOR photo of Leo A. Gher!
As for the dance, I used to dance like that at
school parties, haha."
http://news.siu.edu/news/November00/110900p0159.ht...
* BOGUS DAVE BLOG ENDS - a site we featured a
while back has finally come to an conclusion.
The writer would reply to wrongly-addressed
emails, pretending to be the proper addressee.
Predictably, he's finally got caught out and
people are a little upset with him.
http://youhavegotthewrongperson.blogspot.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* INKY TRANSSEXUAL - Buy a printer, photograph
the body of a member of the opposite sex - A4
sheet by A4 sheet, stick it on your clothes and
become a papery gender-bender.
* DAILYMAIL HEADLINEINATOR - Arksworld
dribbles, "What I want to see is a website
where you can upload an image (of friends,
loved ones etc.) and it will magically appear
on a copy of the Daily Mail under the headline
'BAN THIS SICK FILTH!'" - We're surprised that
this doesn't exist already. On the Daily Mail
website...
* DEAR WANKER BLOG - fill in every form
registration with the name "wanker" and stick
photos of your letters from Orange and BT up.
(Thanks stripeert)
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Redsushi, Hampster
Squared, manbear84, ma0sm. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. Nods to b4ta.
Subject-line lols from The Great Architect and
Connor & Doctor When.
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TOP TIP:
"And here's my cat toy tip that you haven't
asked for: Local hardware shop (or B&Q if you
really must). Buy a 1m stretch of bath chain.
Cats love it. Ours even fetch it. They love
the sound of it. And the feel of it in their
mouths. Much better than that string rubbish."
(Thanks stripeertw!)
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SICKIPEDIA:
What's the best thing about fingering a Gypsy
on her period? You get your palm red for free.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
