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This Week:
* VID - Retro internet
* PICS - Trailer trash mugshots
* READ - Huge Steve Albini 'interview'

________  ____ __  ___      "if you close your 
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | eyes, it's no different 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to being fucked hard up
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| the arse by a woman."

B3ta email 324 - 18 Apr 2008

Read this issue in your browser:

Spitty schoolboy:  [email protected]
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  Sponsored linky

  Tuesday 22nd April 2008, 7.30pm - 11pm.  Mirth
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  WC2. All for £5 entry! Get clicky! (£ 2.50 if you
  sign up on the B3ta Calendar)

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Other than earwax stains on the desk

  >> Retro internet <<
  Amusing eighties throwback documentary by
  weareace, purporting to show how this
  futuristic 'internet' thing will work. Of
  course, it fails to do so, but in entertaining

  >> Random Proverb Generator <<
  A call for content in last week's newsletter
  opened the floodgates, as a veritable horde of
  techie b3tards wrote their own proverb-mashing
  machines. Area writes, "Here's my (quick and
  dirty) proverb generator. 'Doctors make the
  very worst love and war' is my favourite so
  far." We also like 'A bad workman blames your
  cloth.' and 'A friend in need is in the bush.'

  >> Pocketless pool <<
  SlurpyJ has recently been busy redubbing
  sporting events. This 'pocketless pool'
  particularly impressed us, as we initially
  thought he'd built a huge set and filled it
  with a fake sporting tournament.



  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked what scares the willies out
  of you? (Providing, of course, you had willies
  inside you in the first place):

  * INVISIBLE TOUCH - "Fingers+Face=Fear,
  Paranoia and Freak-out. Anyone lightly poking
  my face so that they are barely touching it
  sends me into a panic fit. The lighter they do
  it, the worse it is. I can't cope with it, it
  makes me unable to breathe and I feel like I'm
  gonna pass out. I stopped telling people when I
  realised that people are bastards, and they
  will do it to see the subsequent freakout and
  me batting at my face like a spakker angry with
  his own nose. I thought I was alone in this
  strange condition, but when I went to Uni I
  found someone else with this weird streak in
  them. As a result we have spent many a strange
  afternoon sitting in front of one another
  lightly touching each others face at the same
  time to see who would 'break' first. It truly
  is a game with no winners, just two very sad,
  demented-looking losers..." (unloved)
  * EIGHT-LEGGED FEAR MACHINE - "I'm 7. It's high
  summer and I'm on my Auntie's farm, playing
  with my cousins. The sun is hot, the barn is
  cool. We are climbing the big, stacked, plastic
  sacks of animal feed that reach nearly to the
  rafters. A perfect game, an idyllic scene.
  Chased to the top, I had seemingly vanished: my
  lithe 7-year-old frame had posted itself down a
  2-foot square gap in the centre of the pile,
  and slid about 20 feet to the bottom. I was ok.
  Arms and bare legs scratched but the gap was so
  tight that my descent was not so rapid. After
  much laughter and reassurance, the older girls
  ran to get Uncle Gerard and a length of rope.
  Alone in the tight dim space, my scratches are
  becoming increasingly tickly. Then my eyes
  adjust. I'm coated with house spiders. You saw
  that coming, didn't you? They were in my long,
  thick Irish curls. They were in my t-shirt.
  They were creeping up my shorts. Bare-foot I
  was stood in an sea of the bastards. They were
  still abseiling down onto my upturned face, my
  ears, my nostrils, sticking to my tears. I kept
  my mouth clamped shut. You know that dry,
  crackling sound when you rip spider's web? Every
  movement I made. I was alone and unable to move
  down there for the longest 10 minutes of my
  life. I don't remember my rescue, I must have
  blocked it out. There are photos of me being
  hosed down by my Auntie to remove them. No-one
  ran to hug the spider-child. Apparently I did
  not open my mouth, not even to eat or drink,
  for almost two days. I did not speak for a
  week, catatonic, but screamed in my sleep.
  No-one played in the barn again, not even the
  boys. I got over it, and maintain just a
  healthy mistrust of spiders. I don't like the
  hunch of their legs. But if I get a web stuck
  over my face..." (hahasnakes)
  * DOING ALRIGHT WITH THE BOYS -  "Tell us what
  innocent things make you go pale, wobbly and
  send shivers down your spine"... I'd be
  interested to ask Gary Glitter that same
  question." (K2k6)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your stories about the kiddies.
  Either you love 'em or you hate 'em. Or in the
  case of Fred West - both. Tell us about the
  ankle-biters here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Trailer trash mugshots <<
  If we believe the movies then we believe that
  all Americans are really good-looking. Wrong.
  This parade of rednecks and freaks could give
  Karen Matthews and her a family a run for their
  money. If we didn't have the rest of the
  newsletter to write, we'd still be clicking
  'previous page' and going, "OMG" until we
  needed a wee wee so much that it hurt.

  >> Maddie books? <<
  Amused to find this selection of books on
  Amazon, the titles alone tell a rather dark
  little story:  Maddie Tries to Be Good, Maddie
  in Hospital, Maddie in Danger and our favourite
  Maddie Surfs for Cyber-Pals. Wonder if they're
  still selling, or the authors are currently
  tearing their hair out at the unfortunate
  coincidence. We're looking forward to their
  next efforts, "Shannon buys some cigs from
  Iceland (they're 8p cheaper you know)."

  >> The world's most unlistenable song? << 
  Research suggests that the most unappealing
  music includes kids singing, songs about
  Christmas and holidays, and of course opera. So
  what not try and combine them into an unholy
  cacophony? The irony is of course, the results
  are rather compelling. And sound like one of
  Malcolm McLaren's post-punk efforts - rapping
  opera? Didn't he do that in Madame Butterfly?
  A 25-minute endurance test for your iPod anyway.

  >> Disposal camera art project <<
  Guy attaches a disposable camera to a bench for
  people to use and collects the film that
  evening - these are the results. Not the most
  exciting results, but the concept is so lovely
  that we feel compelled to tell you about it.
  Maybe you'd like to try this on your local
  tramp bench?

  >> Steve Albini mega-thread <<
  Music nerds might remember the name Albini, he
  famously produced Nirvana's In Utero and was
  flavour-of-the-month in the mid 90s. He's still
  recording, but he's also a massive poker fan
  and hangs out on poker forums shooting the shit
  with other card nerds, including this great 50
  page+ thread where he answers peoples
  questions. Highlights include ragging on Liz
  Phair (getting her tits out to sell records),
  Billy Coogan (annoying people on the local
  scene) and Urge Overkill (not be able to play
  their instruments.) He's also passionate about
  tape vs digital and the recording process in
  general. Highly recommended reading to anyone
  interested in making music. BTW: The board
  deteriorates about halfway through, when external
  sites start linking to it and Steve starts 
  refusing to answer except in haiku form.


  Not containing leopards, this week or any week

  >> YouTube comments song <<
  Entire track made up from comments solicited
  from YouTube users. A lyrical masterpiece, as
  you might expect.

  >> Cats: Engineer's guide <<
  It's the monotone delivery that makes this
  deadpan guide to pet keeping so effective.

  >> High-tech Noon <<
  Pretty much the original Gary Cooper film with
  a few small visual and audio effects added to
  tell the tale of a lone marshal vs a gang
  robot killers. We'd love to see this done with
  some other movies. When Harry Met Sally maybe.
  Hmm. Perhaps not.

  >> Cat playing a theramin <<
  Aww. Bless the little kitty. She has no idea
  what's going on but hears the squealing and
  assumes she's chewing on something alive.

  >> Microsoft cod-Springsteen <<
  Hard to say if this is authentic; it looks like
  a video for the MS sales team based on Bruce
  Springsteen's Dancing in the Dark.
  Simultaneously glossy, competently-made and
  lacking any sort of conviction whatsoever.

  >> Burning shopping trolley robot <<
  Yes, it's a trolley pushed by staggering robot
  legs that are wreathed in flame. What's most
  surprising is how few passers-by even take
  notice of what resembles a casualty of some
  futuristic automated battle.

  >> All about the Stylophone <<
  Enthusiast Brett Domino explains the history
  and workings of the cult musical instrument.
  Entertaining tripe.


  More dated 80s schoolyard lols

  * MAIL ON SUNDAY - Flo Rida, gangster rapper,
  rhyming for Middle England, in the best-named
  album since Beyonce did 'B-Day'. 

  spooges, "A penis draws itself in front of
  you!?" Weirdly looks like it's about to come,
  but then the semen draws back into the shaft,
  as if expertly manipulated by Sting.

  * STOP SMOKING AIDS - we thought it gave you


  Results from the Future Advertising 

  Last week we wanted you predict the 
  future of advertising.

  Your favourites included:
  * DYSON - everyone's favourite domestic
  cleaning company branch out into lady hygiene
  * TESCO - a terrifying glimpse into the future
  of b3ta, unwittingly revealing its corporate
  ambitions (Beejster)

  * GILLETTE - it's only a matter of time

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: The Beatles <<
  They're the most iconic band of all time, and
  ripe for photoshopping. So that's the
  challenge. Simple.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  mechanically wheezes, "You may remember me as
  the rather silly boy who got married as Darth
  Vader. Thanks to the wonders of the Intertubes,
  our story got picked up by purveyors of tat
  extraordinaire, Full House Magazine!  BTW: My
  wife would like it noted that she is 25, not

  * STARBUCKS VS MCDONALDS, digignome vomits, "I
  maintain that McDonalds is still the clear
  winner, since one can buy four Double
  Cheeseburgers for the princely sum of £4.76 and
  consume a whopping 1,780 calories and 88g of
  fat (44g saturated). I can't find reliable
  prices for Starbucks, but their most
  calorific drink is apparently the "White Cocoa
  Breve w/Whip, Venti", at a fantastic 1070
  calories. And I'll wager half a nut you can't
  buy two for a fiver. Another triumph for the
  Golden Arches."

  * SUPER TOASTER, our request for a toaster with
  bigger springs prompted JimM to burble,
  "Hello! You asked for toaster modifications, so
  here goes. I did it a few years ago." Hurrah. 

  * HIDING IMAGES IN AUDIO - our mention of this
  last week provoked a couple of members to
  attempt their own experiments, including B3ta
  jukebox favourites - Status Quo.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PILLOW STAIN ANALYSIS - krang enquires, "You
  know when you change your pillowcase, and there
  are always brown-yellow stains on the pillows
  themselves - what are those stains? My
  girlfriend says that they're from when you
  spill tea when you're in bed, but I reckon
  they're some far more sinister residue made of
  a combination of snot, dribble, earwax and
  tears. Anyone have any empirical evidence on
  this? Anyone want to find out?" Our bet: it's
  all down to pillow-biting.

  * ATM FRAUD QUESTION - Sn0tters wonders,
  "Supposedly if your withdraw cash from an ATM
  and do not physically remove the cash then
  after a certain amount of time the cash is
  sucked back in to the machine and your account
  is not debited. Is it possible to get someone
  to try taking out, say £50 and then slide out
  the middle £20, leaving £30 to be sucked back
  in and then see if their account is not

  * PENIS SHADOWS - draw a cock on a lampshade to
  make a penis shadow for a wall. Maybe at your
  mum's house?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chiff_chiff,
  Malchick, Walrus Man, Fishcat, rodmansell,
  nivan, qwghlm, and ali_way_2k. Random Proverb
  Generators by Happosai, Burton Earny,
  notenglishthankgod, hctc, Littlebuddy, Krog3r,
  akx, Canazza. Top Tippery by Jeccy. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Mastheadlols: ccc.
  Subjlols: Joe Scaramanga.


  Increase office morale with a simple game. Wait
  until the person sitting next to you is paying
  attention to whatever they are doing, then
  sneakily try to remove something from their
  person. Carry on until the other person spots
  you and freaks.

  At this point, jump up and shout "BUCKAROO!" as
  loud as you can, much to the obvious delight of
  your work colleagues.


  Police are investigating the bigger picture of
  Mark Speight's death. It was sent in by 11 year
  old Susie from Reading.

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